To feel so rejected re: childrens party

[HostOffice]

NC in case outing.

I went to my DS aged5 school friends party yesterday. Not one parent initiated any conversation with me (though I did talk to some parents that I initiated brief chats with and also the host parents).

When I arrived, I sat next to the 3 women of who I feel are most my type of people but I've noticed they now go for coffee mornings and gym visits together and have never invited me so obviously the people I thought were 'my people' don't really want to have a further friendship with me. I sat next to one of the Mums and she was turned away from me when I sat down, and then stayed that way, which is fine I guess but didn't feel good.

DS moved to this school in September from being at nursery at a school in the next town but if made a huge effort to make friends with the new school parents by hosting a birthday party for him and inviting the whole class, talking to parents while waiting to collect and smiling at them all when we'd pass in the playground.

And then this yesterday, sat alone. Stood alone when children gathered to eat and observing all the relaxed parents feeling comfortable in their friendship groups whilst I felt very uncomfortable.

I came home last night and sobbed my heart out, I felt so rejected. At DS old school I had a wonderful friendship group and could have sat with nearly any one of the parents in a party situation or an event and it not be awkward.

I'm clean, tidy, make an effort aand try to have open body language with a relaxed none RBF face. Im a professional and I feel I have to walk a line between sometimes feeling I may come across common and other times worry I seem stuck up! I'm overweight, there are bigger women than me at the school though they also gravitated towards one another but it's enough to make me think this is why I can't get in with the slim Mums I thought I would become friends with.

Feeling really shit as I felt like this when my older DD was in primary school and loved how things were different when my DS was in nursery and I felt I belonged. But I'm back to this again and I can't face another 7 years of kids parties feeling like a reject

Been there, OP, worn the tshirt. Bless ya.
I just WISH I could go back to have a word with myself when my kid was starting toddler group/nursery/school. I would say please dont give a shit about getting matey with all the mums and that you will come across loads of rude parents during the next few years who you make an effort with but are not worth the effort. Take a book to kids parties and dont get involved in cliques. If you do make a friend it is a bonus but keep things a bit superficial, like they are work colleagues, rather than prospective friends. I worried way too much about making an effort but really wish i hadnt. Its hard though when you are going through it.

A lot of it is about confidence.

As an older mum, I didn't give a shiny shit when this happened; I already had lots of friends (with grown up kids) and wasn't looking for more.

I worked shifts so dodged a lot of the school gate nonsense.

I always arrived a little bit earlier to parties my DD was invited to and would offer to help set up. If my help wasn't required in setting up, I would offer drinks to waiting parents instead. This did give openings for superficial chat - sometimes with the relatives of the party child, sometimes with the lone dads.

Then towards the end, I would ask the parents if it would help if I started clearing up......keeping busy certainly helps if there is no-one to talk to. And it helps give the parents time to do the cake & candle thing.

It won't be forever; soon you'll be able to leave them.

I always carried a book/paper-it was 2 hrs of relative peace for me which I didn't get at home

*just want to say, ive been really really overweight and really slim and it made no difference to who i was drawn to talk to (which was friendly, kind, polite people). Please dont think most people give a shit what you weigh, as long as you are nice nobody notices or cares really.

I’m also a school mum in a very similar situation. I stand at the gates or we go to parties and barely no-one interacts with me. You know what? It’s bloody bliss!!! I speak to 1 mum regularly outside breakfast club for 5 mins 2-3 days a week and that’s plenty. It’s a posh area and I’m from the Black Country, it’s clear I’m not good enough. If that’s the case I don’t want to know them. Too bloody judgemental!! Life’s too short. Stick with people who really want to be around you!! 😊

I think it's about your expectations.

My DD started school in September. I like the other parents well enough, I'm on the class FB group and there are several Mums I happily make small talk with when I see them at drop off/pick up or at birthday parties. I've never really expected anything more than that though. If I'd been thinking I was going to gain a whole new circle of close friends when DD started reception (which is what some people on MN do seem to expect) then I suppose I'd be pretty disappointed. I'd say I've made some friendly aquantainces at the school gates rather than actual 'friends' but it's never occurred to me that this is because people don't like me or that they're being rude.

The reality is that people have busy lives and most Mums probably don't have time for coffee mornings, trips to the gym with other mums etc as they're already run ragged trying to juggle work and kids and maintaining their long-standing friendships. The ones that do have time will naturally group together with people they knew before their DC started school as they were at nursery together etc. Don't take it personally.

HostOffice forgot to add that I was nearly 17 stones & size 18-20 during this time

I always felt the exact opposite! I used to sit in the soft play parties thinking "please don't talk to me!" I'm not unfriendly, I have a large circle of friends I'd trust with my life. I'm not good with new people or small talk and these parties were an opportunity for some down time. Despite having RBF I was often approached by other Mums. I would be friendly and have a laugh and a coffee but inside I was thinking "I really just want to read my kindle".

My advice would be to enjoy your own company. Go in there on your own and enjoy watching your child in a social setting, sneak a sausage roll or two! Be friendly and open but if people don't want to talk to you, sod them, it's their loss.

On the bright side, if no one talks to you, you get an interrupted episode of secret life of 5 year olds They are amazing to watch playing.

The party is for the children, not a social event for parents. The parents will likely be dropping their children off at parties in a year. In those early years of school I would wait until I saw another parent leave, then I would too (checking with the host parent first of course). I got to know some parents of my child's close friends, but I didn't want to chat to a stranger just because our children were in the same class.

I don’t really understand all the PP who ask why you want to make school Mum friends. It’s not about that. It’s about expecting people to be civil, welcoming and inclusive at a social gathering. Sure it’s a kids party but that doesn’t mean that the adults should expect to stand on the peripheries being ignored.

I think that the problem is probably with them and not you OP. People become very entrenched in their friendship circles very quickly.

At my children’s school there is one very friendly and inclusive class and one very cliquey class, and I found the Cliquey class parties really miserable. Try and ignore it as best you can and please don’t try to look for a reason.

But Windswept it’s not about chatting to a stranger because your child is in the same class. It’s about chatting to a stranger who is looking a bit left out and doesn’t know anyone else. To me it feels a bit unkind not to do that. You don’t have to best buddies but exchanging a few words doesn’t hurt.

I lost sympathy when you said "my type of people" who are you to say that others there weren't worthy of conversation with you! It speaks of social climbing to be frank. I've seen it with my own eyes, women (and it is always women) who only want to speak in the playground to the "right" people, the ones they feel there kid "should" be mixing with. These people may have known each other for years, you could be the interloper!

Rather than the right kind of people, just be friendly and you will connect. I was fed up with school mums ignoring me until they realised that actually I had (through h) the "right" connections and suddenly I'm invited to 2pm wine (no thank you!)

I get you OP. We moved our youngest to a bigger school when she was 8 as she wasn't getting enough teaching (small village school, shared teacher) and was massively behind. For the 2 years she went to the new school, not one parent spoke to me or made me feel remotely human. I used to dread pick up as they all stood in their little groups. I went to PTFA meetings, helped out on parent mornings, nothing. Smiled, said hello. Nothing.

My crime? Being overweight.

It completely destroyed what little self esteem I had and I've never got it back.

You can not judge your worth on one birthday party. Thats just that group of people. Find your friendship group outside of school with mums you have something in common with other than your kids are in the same class. Besides....parents stop going to parties from year 1 onwards...this is not the next 7 years of your life it was one incident.

It takes time. It really does. You just have to keep going.

Raaaaaah I am socially anxious and I found making small talk with strangers at children's parties exhausting. I make the effort with parents of my child's close friends, but at parties I preferred to stand alone. If another parent wants to talk to me then they can, and I will be friendly, but I'm not one to start a conversation.

The only real thing you have in common with them is that you all had sex with a man during the same year and currently live in the same area.

Could that help you feel it as less of a rejection of you as a person?

Sometimes it's total luck whether you get a nice group of parents.

In my dc1s class, they are really friendly and I get on with everyone. In his previous school, I also got on with everyone.

Dc2s class are hard work...cliquey and horrible quite frankly. I can't wait until I never have to see them again. One woman will occasionally chat with me and next time I see her, I say hello and she looks at me like she has no idea who I am and blanks me.

I remember a few birthday parties like that when my dc (now teenagers) were small - I don't know why they were so awkward, I think other people just already were in their friendship groups and didn't want to expand them, it wasn't personal

I think mum friendships are a marathon, not a sprint, you have to take it very slowly and lend social situations no expectations to social situations and eventually you work out the ones who are meant to be your friends. That certainly was my experience. I now have more mum friends from school than I know what to do with.

I don't think this is a weight thing.

I also think those sneering why be friends with other mums are missing the point. They may not want to be friends, but YOU do and that is totally normal and fine and sociable.

I'm on the edge socially of my own kids' classes of parents - I don't get invited to coffee or meals out and stuff like that - but I can usually find someone to pass 10 minutes with on the playground on a morning or pickup time. I'm fine with that - and with parties it's so variable how the dynamic goes down when you're waiting around - there are ones I've gone to where I've been sat with a group and we've been almost in tears laughing at the conversation going on, and ones where no one's spoken to me and I've spent the time fiddling with my phone. It's so variable.

I find one cohort much easier than the other from my kids though - one bunch of parents are incredibly cliquey and nasty about each other - to the extent that they've driven the decent parents I do get along with into hiding in their cars on a morning until the bell goes... therefore it's even cliquier on the playground now.

My crime? Being overweight.

Someone told you that you weren’t liked because you’re overweight???

My crime? Being overweight.
I’m very skinny
All my school gate friends are very slim

It’s a coincidence

My best friend of 20 years is morbidly obese.

I can tell you honestly. I promise promise promise that you’re weight will have nothing to do with it

Sometimes it’s just luck w school mums. I am/was much more friendly w DS’s class mums than DD’s. It was just a different dynamic. I think it also helped that DS went to the school nursery but DD didn’t, also a lot of the DCs in DD’s class were the eldest children so the parents had known each other for a long time w other siblings. I was friendly enough w them, an occasional coffee etc and but nothing beyond an organised mums night out or chat at dropping off, kids’ parties etc.
I also think having school age children is a great way to expand your circle, but like anything, you have to be lucky.

You’re taking it too personally. For all you know, these parents have older DC who are friends and in the same class or do sports together or maybe they all live on the same street. Who knows? It might have nothing to do with you.

It sounds like you had built the party up as a chance to meet other parents and spark a friendship with them and when that didn’t happen, you were crushed. Do you lack friends in other areas of your life? I found that when I moved to a new area and had very few friends I used to feel like this at parties, anxious and overly focused on whether anyone was talking to me and how every social interaction went. Now, a few years later, I have a solid group of friends and rarely feel like this because I’m not so in need of feeling like I belong.

Not saying I have zero self doubt because we all do sometimes but it gets worse when you are isolated or lacking friendships in your life. Try to focus on the friends you do have rather than whether the parents at your DS’s school are going to talk to you at a party. If school parent friendships happen, see it as a bonus nice-to-have rather than something you need.

I had no idea that women really get obsessed with this sort of playground fanfare.