To feel so rejected re: childrens party

[HostOffice]

NC in case outing.

I went to my DS aged5 school friends party yesterday. Not one parent initiated any conversation with me (though I did talk to some parents that I initiated brief chats with and also the host parents).

When I arrived, I sat next to the 3 women of who I feel are most my type of people but I've noticed they now go for coffee mornings and gym visits together and have never invited me so obviously the people I thought were 'my people' don't really want to have a further friendship with me. I sat next to one of the Mums and she was turned away from me when I sat down, and then stayed that way, which is fine I guess but didn't feel good.

DS moved to this school in September from being at nursery at a school in the next town but if made a huge effort to make friends with the new school parents by hosting a birthday party for him and inviting the whole class, talking to parents while waiting to collect and smiling at them all when we'd pass in the playground.

And then this yesterday, sat alone. Stood alone when children gathered to eat and observing all the relaxed parents feeling comfortable in their friendship groups whilst I felt very uncomfortable.

I came home last night and sobbed my heart out, I felt so rejected. At DS old school I had a wonderful friendship group and could have sat with nearly any one of the parents in a party situation or an event and it not be awkward.

I'm clean, tidy, make an effort aand try to have open body language with a relaxed none RBF face. Im a professional and I feel I have to walk a line between sometimes feeling I may come across common and other times worry I seem stuck up! I'm overweight, there are bigger women than me at the school though they also gravitated towards one another but it's enough to make me think this is why I can't get in with the slim Mums I thought I would become friends with.

Feeling really shit as I felt like this when my older DD was in primary school and loved how things were different when my DS was in nursery and I felt I belonged. But I'm back to this again and I can't face another 7 years of kids parties feeling like a reject

[Kiwiinkits]

OP, in the kindest possible way, it's not all about you.

[MsTSwift]

Your child is only 5 give yourself a chance! Some of my nicest friends met at school gate but thinking about it didn’t get to be friends until year 2 or 3.

Surely a normal way to make new friends? My mum is still pals with her school gate group and I am 44!

[Awwlookatmybabyspider]

I'm sorry this is happening.
Cliques are bloody horrible. However are/were you once guilty of the same thing. "I thought they were my people'. I'm neat and tidy".
"I'm professional". " Im over weight but there are bigger women than me.'.
Therefore does that indicate that you.would have/have excluded an unemployed over weight dowdy mum. If so its not nice is it, op

[awesomeness]

TBF it's sounds like they aren't the ones with the issue. Like pp have said, you've came across very judgemental with the 'my type' and 'larger than me'

It's not about how a person 'looks' if you go in to a situation thinking you only want to be friends with a certain sort of person, then quite frankly I pity you.

I'm not socially friends with many mums at school, I'll speak to them, there's only one i do things with outside of school and that's go to the gym as we're both hardcore gym addicts and I'm her personal trainer.

But you need to relax and not focus on people being 'your type' end of the day women are perceptive creatures and I'd know if someone thought they were too good to be friends with me as that always comes out in how you act and talk, so honestly, drop the standards

[Rooska1]

Try and relax. It seems as if you are desperate, this will drive potential friends away. Don’t try and fit in, say hi and move on. Be yourself and I’m sure you will soon make friends with the other mums.

[Radoy]

My heart goes out to you because I understand what you're feeling. I think most of us have been there.

What I find disheartening is when your children go to school, it's a bit like you (as a mother) go back there yourself. All the cliques and petty politics from those days somehow resurrect. You think that now that we're all grownups that behaviour goes away, but sadly, as many of us know, it doesn't. Although our children and their experience is the main thing that matters when they go to school, as mothers we should support each other. Behaving the way the OP describes, and rejecting her in this way, for any reason is bad form after all.

OP, do not buy into anything that diminishes you - I hear you looking for "reasons" why they behave the way they do, as if you are somehow lacking in something. Truth is, it's a reflection on THEM and not you. Hold your head high - you clearly care and you're a good person for doing so. :-)

[athousandmiles]

I’ve also picked up on your references to ‘my kind of people’ and wondering are YOU actually excluding other women who don’t feel are worthy enough and therefore doing the exact same thing that these gym-clique mums are doing to you.

[Itssosunny]

OP, sometimes it's not essential to make friends with the school parents. Most important that your DS is treated well and that the school is nice. One of my DC's is in the secondary. You don't get to meet the parents anymore like in the primary school. Be higher than them.

[winniestone37]

You don't need to be friends with other Mums but I understand it can feel really horrible when they're all chatting. It feels like your post is more about your own self esteem, work on that, you don't really need validation from anyone else just yourself.

[Teacher22]

I think some of the comments on here are as excluding as those other mums at the party seemed to be!

Keep at the 'being open' and being friendly. Some people are nice. And the other mothers might be a longstanding, tightly knit group.

[Latteaday123]

I think a few posters on here have set out to kick you when you are down. I always feel awkward at these events--totally normal to feel a bit crap if you've felt a bit isolated. It's great that you are making an effort. Don't let it stop you from trying again!

[Whysoannoying]

I don't understand people who say you don't even need to chat to the other mums - they may never be your BFFs but of course it's nice to be vaguely sociable, and I don't blame you at all for feeling sad that your efforts so far have been rebuffed.

I never really made friends at pre-school as we all did different hours/days and I'm not the best at small talk. But over time I've got to know a lot of the parents quite well, and now (Yr 6) I'll miss the after school chats when they all go up to secondary. I have made one good friend who I will continue to do things with, but probably never see the rest socially - but it has been nice in the meantime.

The children do playdates and parties etc throughout primary school, so you do want some sort of engagement with the parents. It's also nice to think you have a few numbers in your phone you can ring in an emergency to collect your kids when the car won't start, or take DS swimming with her son when your DD is unwell, etc.

Good luck OP - I'm sure you're doing all the right things but it can take a while. Just keep doing it - and if one or two are cliquey and bitchy then ignore those and chat to the others.

[ukgift2016]

Well I never found my 'tribe' with the school mums. I tried but have given up, the being friendly one day but not the next has got to me.

I go in, collect and leave quickly.

[Seaweed42]

I have had this on occasion also, plenty of times. Feeling like you don't belong. Truth is people can be very insular and wary of talking to new people, or even people they sort of know.
People are quick to make sure they talk to the person they know best, and thereby exclude (unwittingly) another person beside them who has no one to talk to. It's not you personally, it really isn't. But it feels shit, of course it does. Keep on going with it though, you are doing everything you can.
My advice is if there is a school committee or something you can volunteer with, that's a great way to get to know people.

[norrismcwhirtersfridgemagnet]

I think you should focus on the fact your daughter has friends and is being invited to parties. If you got on with all the parents but she never got invited to anything - well, which would you prefer? Honestly, in a couple of years time you'll be able to leave her at parties and pick her up at the end. Until then, I'd say those sorts of events are exactly what mobile phones were invented for - big smile and then head down and do something more interesting instead. You will look back and wonder why you ever gave a shiny shit.

[Lou12124]

I think it's nice enough that your DS was invited to the party. If they really didn't like you then I'm sure your DS wouldn't have been invited? 🤷‍♀️ I have school mums I talk to but dont class them as friends....we speak when were at school playground and then we all go off and do our own thing. Dont stress about it too much. As long as your DS is being treated well that's the main thing

[Rachand23]

People can be very cruel, so sorry to hear you have been hurt like that, but ask yourself do you really want to be friends with people like that? Just be yourself, don’t try so hard, if others are not accepting of you, it’s their lose.

[TheBulb]

Well I never found my 'tribe' with the school mums.

Nor did I, in the three years DS has attended the village school. It's not surprising, really, and I bear no particular malice. They are almost all SAHMs (weirdly, I think that of 24 children in the class, only three other mothers work) who grew up either in the village or very nearby, they are much younger, and we have very different priorities. I tried all possible friendliness for two and a half years whole class parties with drinks and nibbles for parents, helping out at school fundraisers, making conversation in the schoolyard on the days I pick up but it didn't go anywhere, and that's fine. I found more congenial people via work, and DS is happy and sociable.

[safclass]

I personally choose to stay on the fringe and not make those links although I understand if you've had it, then you may want it again, personally I font like the cliques. I attended all parties with him and was polite, spoke at times etc always happy to come away x

[ToftyAC]

I feel for you OP. I was in your exact position when my eldest was at primary school. It sucks and I could never work out why. Am glad he’s now at 6th Form. However, my youngest is starting school and I’m not looking forward to all that shit again tbh. Playground mafia here I come......

[Booyahkasha]

I feel for you. I got too involved, the school mums turned out to be btches led by one queen b. When I disagreed with her and stood up for myself they all turned on me, it was like I was back at school despite being a full time working mum in my 40s. So it's not all it's cracked up to be. I bet you'll just make one or two close friends and be polite but sack off the rest.

[Justaboy]

I got too involved, the school mums turned out to be btches led by one queen b.

Isnt that the way of it at their private schol the queen bitch was well award winning!

I loved taking the piss out of her when occasion demanded she dammed well derserved it:)

Fortunealy my then wife was non english it didn't affect her she had some good friends there from her own country and queenieB couldnt understandf thier Language anyway!

[Motherontheedge1]

Fairly new to mumsnet.

What is MLM bingo?
Do you sell mim?
Thanks .

[coco2303]

Uno...... I'm a 'slim' mom and the school my girls go to the majority of the mom's are twats to be honest 🤷‍♀️ I stand alone and prefer it that way. I am comfortable in myself and you should be too. Aslong as your kids are happy and any 'adults' liking or disliking another parent doesn't affect your childrens friendships, I wouldn't take it to heart. You probably wouldn't be able to be yourself around them anyway.
And forced friendships never work out. I am polite to other mom's at the school and smile ect...... And for me that's all I need to do