To feel so rejected re: childrens party

[HostOffice]

NC in case outing.

I went to my DS aged5 school friends party yesterday. Not one parent initiated any conversation with me (though I did talk to some parents that I initiated brief chats with and also the host parents).

When I arrived, I sat next to the 3 women of who I feel are most my type of people but I've noticed they now go for coffee mornings and gym visits together and have never invited me so obviously the people I thought were 'my people' don't really want to have a further friendship with me. I sat next to one of the Mums and she was turned away from me when I sat down, and then stayed that way, which is fine I guess but didn't feel good.

DS moved to this school in September from being at nursery at a school in the next town but if made a huge effort to make friends with the new school parents by hosting a birthday party for him and inviting the whole class, talking to parents while waiting to collect and smiling at them all when we'd pass in the playground.

And then this yesterday, sat alone. Stood alone when children gathered to eat and observing all the relaxed parents feeling comfortable in their friendship groups whilst I felt very uncomfortable.

I came home last night and sobbed my heart out, I felt so rejected. At DS old school I had a wonderful friendship group and could have sat with nearly any one of the parents in a party situation or an event and it not be awkward.

I'm clean, tidy, make an effort aand try to have open body language with a relaxed none RBF face. Im a professional and I feel I have to walk a line between sometimes feeling I may come across common and other times worry I seem stuck up! I'm overweight, there are bigger women than me at the school though they also gravitated towards one another but it's enough to make me think this is why I can't get in with the slim Mums I thought I would become friends with.

Feeling really shit as I felt like this when my older DD was in primary school and loved how things were different when my DS was in nursery and I felt I belonged. But I'm back to this again and I can't face another 7 years of kids parties feeling like a reject

I do have friends outside of school mums yes, I think because I work from home it mattered a bit more and having had friends at the old school it was hard to leave that behind.

(Yes I know it's like MLM bingo but no I don't sell MLM!!!) @WoodenToyKitchen I have 5 stones to lose so it is a journey.

The reason I thought those Mums were my type was because I used to talk with them individually and got on well with them all but have watched the bond form further without me since DS joined the school.

Exactly, Hadjab

It’s not personal you know. I’ve felt like that at times when at parties for my dd. The best thing you can do is be bright and breezy. I’m disabled and chronically ill, hardly anyone knows this. Some of the parents have seen me collapse a few times in the playground. But they don’t really have a clue. Not even my friends do - apart from a couple I trust - because the moment you show weakness you’re becoming a burden sadly. Learnt the hard way on that one!

I wouldn't give a shit about this. I've taken my DDs to parties before and sat there with no one to talk to, as has my DH. Just take a book to read if you think you'll get bored, or would your DH/partner come with you (if you have one) - I've noticed some people do this

I honestly don't care whether any of the mums want to be friends with me. I have my own friends and family, and neither want nor need any more. All my friendships have developed in the weirdest of situations with people I never initially thought I'd be friends with, you can never force it.

I think you are taking it too personally.

It reminded me of when I used to go to toddler group, and there were three of us who would huddle together and chat, exclusively. We weren’t being arseholes, we were taking the opportunity to see our friends when the DCs were occupied. That was all.

I realised at the time it made us look like a clique, but we didn’t mean to exclude anyone. We needed to be with our friends because we had 9, then 10, then 11 DCs between the three of us and toddler group was the highlight of the week.

It’s hard work, making new friends. I moved to a new city 10 years ago, you have to be open, smiley and always put yourself out there. It’s exhausting.

If you go into a group of people already judging that some of them are more "your type" than others then you can't moan if you feel they are judging you. You don't come across as open minded as you seem to think you are.

Sorry OP but YABU. Bit of an overreaction to the situation, really not worth sobbing your heart out. It’s a kids party not a parents party. Send your husband next time - we split roughly 50/50 on parties - he needs to experience the fun as well!

Maybe think about what you can do to build your confidence? I like the book The Confidence Code.

You have only just started at this school a few months ago .Give it a little time .See what children your son plays with, and talk to their parents .Try to stop seeing yourself as a "professional","Gym Bunny" etc .You are all parents and on a level playing field together .If you say hello and smile then you have done your bit ,and will probably find in time as people get to see you, and remember your face it will get easier for you .Dont pigeonhole yourself !

Playground politics amongst the mums is worse than those of the childrens- seriously!! You are better off not getting involved with them - the clique mentality is unbearable and i am talking from experience. Please don't let them get to you

This probably isn’t helpful but it’s not true it doesn’t go away but you have to care less

My DD is now 16 and all of the primary gang mums are still friends and do things with their DC that me and my child are never invited to - always things arranged by the mums and it’s been this way for years. I am talking about the 10 or so girls from primary DD grew up with and she is still friends with them in the same school

Mums have arranged having all the DD’s round one of their houses prior to prom and arranging limos and hair stylists together and my DD is not included and I can’t help her be included as I was never included either!
So her whole group of oldest friends will arrive at prom together - arranged by all the mums and DD is excluded but will hang out with the girls when she arrives. It’s weird
I’m also not thin and they all are

Is this a (relatively) new thing, making friends with (as opposed to just being friendly towards) school mums? I'm asking genuinely? My children went to school in the 90s...I honestly never had a single 'mum friend' throughout all of their years in school. And as far as I know, this was the norm. Of course I was 'friendly' but I'd be dropping off and heading off to work (on the very rare days I actually took them!) and 'play dates' were with neighbouring children, so didn't require any of the considerable organisation and 'diary checking' that goes on now.

I honestly wouldn't have wanted to make friends with all the other mums...I had my friends 🤷‍♀️

It all sounds exhausting for all concerned 😧

Sometimes the people you’re around just aren’t your people. I suspect some of this may be down to your own current desperation to make friends — it’s a cruel fact that ‘desperate’ vibes are unattractive — and the fact that you seem to be classifying people in groups according to their BMI. Are you really suggesting that all the fat parents hang out together, and the thin ones hang out separately?

@HostOffice

You do sound overly concerned OP. Tbh, being mates with the mums at the school is the thing of nightmares. When mine were at school, the school gate mafia were vile; gossipy, bitchy, and cliquey. I worked part time then (school hours) and didn't socialise with them, and didn't want to.

They were always falling out with each other and having massive arguments and rows. Whenever their kids fell out, they'd all get involved; it was pathetic.

Why would anyone want to be a part of THAT?

Oh no op, that happened to me a few months ago at a school friend's party of ds7. Ds does not get invited to many parties, these parents obviously were and were comfortable with each other as they saw each other often at parties, they seemed surprised when i rocked up with ds. I tried to make conversation with them, but felt that my presence wasen't wanted, despite talking to them at the school gates. It hurt at the time, but I think stuff them now. Ds is due to move to middle school in September, so loads of the yr 2 will be going to different schools anyway as he is currently in an infant school.

I don’t know why you are getting such a hard time OP
It was the same for me (luckily my kids are adults now) I would chat and be friendly with mums on the playground but at parties/gymnastics/swimming lessons they all formed their little groups and I never had anyone to talk to, they would have coffee meet ups and nights out but I wasn’t included
Mumsnet is a weird place, I often see posts about making friends and according to mumsnet you can NEVER make friends with mums on the playground or work colleagues!!!
I was told to get a dog to make friends
I’ve always struggled to fit in and make friends due to HFA (Aspergers)
At least you have friends outside of school, focus on those friendships and keep it polite and breezy with the school mums, give it time and see what happens x

I have many friends outside school I don't really care tbh, they are not really my people.

I'm sorry these women have made you feel this way. When your kids start school the adult social interactions that play out in the playground and at parties/ play dates can seem childish and hurtful. Try to outwardly show that it doesn't bother you, even if you are feeling shite inside. Just distance yourself and smile, be polite, don't hide in the background though. Fake it 'til you make it. Pretend it doesn't bother you and eventually it might not.

They are friends. Obviously good friends. As mothers, and often working as well, we all lead very busy lives. This isn’t like school or university where our friendships groups tend to be our total focus. If you want to enter into an adult friendship group, responsibility generally lies with you to make the effort

I moved from London to a totally new town where I didn’t know a soul. I made the effort. I invited people over to myself. I suggested coffee / drinks / bbq at mine.

7 years later I have a truly wonderful group of friends that have supported me through a divorce and bereavement (and I am just walking back from a wonderful birthday lunch with)

Agree with PPs that the most important thing is that your child was invited. Remember this is a bunch of random women who’ve ended up together by a quirk of happening to have kids of a certain age, not people who you would necessarily gel with.
Be pleasant and friendly with everyone and do a nice party for your child when the time comes. Be inclusive.
Look outside for more people who are your tribe and enjoy being with them. If in the fullness of time you become friendly with the School mums, great but don’t rely on them for friendship. It all tends to move on come secondary school anyway. Try not to get upset!

I was an acquaintance let's call it of one of my dd's friend's Mums as in - dd would go for sleepovers or go over the hols when they were at their holiday home. We had the sum total of ZERO in common, yet our dd's were best friends. I recall her coming into my humble abode one day and me feeling like the Queen had arrived. It was my own insecurity - she was a genuinely nice woman, but I just felt 'less' than her. I never bothered with any of the other Mums. Couldn't be arsed.

I find it quite hard to find good friends as I've a wicked sense of humour and am somewhat unpolished. I'm not someone you'd trundle out at a lawn gathering for e.g. Give me a piss up? I'm there.

There was a coven of witches at the school though who pointedly excluded me. I think they had been friends for a very long time, whereas I was a blow-in. I didn't like any of them anyway, so it didn't bother me.

I've been in your shoes, OP, so from me, because I know how that hurts.
I've been in those kind of situations (where everyone blanks me) several times. It's almost certainly them, not you. It's almost certain that you haven't done anything 'wrong'. But that doesn't make it hurt less.

Chin up. Give it time. Let them get to know you. Throw a FABULOUS party for your DS's b.day. Maybe join the PTA... you'll get to know other parents and then people will have a reason to talk to you (or avoid you, ha ha!). Be friendly on the playground, but not needy. Think about starting small. Concentrate on your DS's friendships and your own relationships with those parents might naturally follow.

But, I do know how much it hurts. x

It's probably nothing to do with you or the way you look - some people are just cliquey and rude .. I'd never keep my back to someone who sat next to me at a kid's party and not acknowledge them at least - don't always assume it's you and good luck in finding nice friends, which I'm sure you will

It's also really nothing to do with your weight. Women come in all shapes and sizes.

I also think whatever this was, it was unintentional. Maybe your conversation was stilted or awkward. Maybe they were just busy doing other things, and not thinking, but I'd assume it wasn't some mass ignoring of you.

The fact it matters so much to you that you cried, makes me wonder if you came across as socially awkward in what should have been a relaxed setting. If you've other friends then try to relax around others at school.

If you go into a group of people already judging that some of them are more "your type" than others then you can't moan if you feel they are judging you.

I really agree with this. However I'm sure in fact nobody was judging or intentionally excluding you - they were either catching up with friends or engaging in desultory chit chat with acquaintances. When you've been there longer, you will be doing the same thing. Just be patient, friendly, and open minded about people who might not be "my people" (?!). Also your DS will choose his own friends, which to some extent will determine who you spend more time with.

You know what OP I think the other parents were mean. I wouldn't stand by and leave someone out on their own. One of them could have invited you to join them.