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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming at MIL and her lack of sense?

224 replies

SmallFoot1 · 27/04/2019 15:48

I have a 12 year old DD. Over the last 12 months we have had a very difficult battle with an eating disorder caused by anxiety and DDs body image issues and inability to recognise she was underweight. DD has had counselling and worked hard to get herself well. At her worst her hair was falling out and she was dangerously underweight, it was the darkest and scariest time. I am so proud of her for overcoming this and she is now a healthy weight and doing well.

MIL knows all about our struggle.

Yesterday MIL called by. While she was here DD sat on the arm of my chair, which I am fine with but is a pet peeve of MIL. MIL told DD to get off as she would break the chair (she wouldn't). I replied that it's fine and I don't mind and DD said "I don't think my weight would break it" to which MIL replied jokingly "oh I don't know, with that big fat bottom it could!"

MIL was joking and deep down I'm sure she meant no harm but for Christ's sake think before you speak. DD went very quiet and this morning I caught her weighing herself (a habit we have been trying to break) and she is quiet and wearing her old baggy clothes.

I am so irrationally angry! MIL has no idea what she has done and I want to tell her how insensitive she was but DH says it's DD who has an issue and we can't expect the world to pander to her.

Am so terrified this could trigger a relapse as she is new to recovery and so fragile.

I need to talk to DD but don't want to upset her, and I want to wring MILs neck!!

OP posts:
Bayleyf · 27/04/2019 15:51

You are not irrationally angry, you have every right to be angry.

That would be a thoughtless thing to say to any girl, let alone one with your DD's history.

Please tell your MIL that she can't say things like that. Her being in a huff is far less important than your DD's health.

redstapler · 27/04/2019 15:51

You need to talk to MIL and make it clear that any more comments and she won't be seeing her granddaughter again

QueenofallIsee · 27/04/2019 15:52

I would absolutely tell your MIL what she did, and get an urgent apology from her to your DD. How bloody stupid! She needs to own her mistake and support your DD

PillowTalker · 27/04/2019 15:53

Your DH sounds like a dick

Original poster
SmallFoot1 · 27/04/2019 15:53

I did say "don't be ridiculous!" when she said it but I don't think she realises what she has said or done!

OP posts:
Angelicinnocent · 27/04/2019 15:54

Whilst DH is right that the whole world won't pander to DD, her grandmother should bloody well know better!

If you are sure it was just thoughtless, a quiet word about watching what she says in future should do it.

rabbitheadlights · 27/04/2019 15:55

You certainly need to tell MIL the implications of her comment .... The only issue DH would need to be concerned with is how to make the sofa comfy!

lunicorn · 27/04/2019 15:57

How is it pandering to her to try not to be thoughtless when talking to someone about a psychological and medical condition she has.
Your dh is wrong. He just doesn't want any hassle with his mum.

Originallymeonly · 27/04/2019 15:57

Next time you could say "er, your bottom maybe MIL, but DD has my full permission to sit like that, and it is her house"

Gladrag · 27/04/2019 15:57

I would be more concerned about your husband's attitude rather than by a careless remark by your MIL.

mineallmine · 27/04/2019 15:58

You can't expect the world to 'pander' to her but you CAN expect family to. That's the most insensitive and stupid thing she could have said. I hope it doesn't trigger a relapse after all her hard work she's put in.

Might it be a chance to talk to your dd about how to deal with stupid comments so that it's not echoing around in her head with nowhere to go.

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 27/04/2019 15:58

Learning to think before you speak is not ‘pandering’ to someone.

MIL shouldn’t said that to your daughter, whether she meant any harm or not. It must be soul destroying to watch your child go through what she is going through.

miaCara · 27/04/2019 15:59

Does MIL have a history of coming out with ridiculous things like this?
If this was me and I had a MIL who was comfortable enough to pop round for a cuppa I would definitely speak to her myself and explain how a simple 'joke' has affected DD. If she is a good Grandmother she will speak to DD and apologise for her silly joke and tell her how perfect she is .

Originallymeonly · 27/04/2019 16:00

And tell DD now that you wish you'd said it yesterday, that granny's been a bit silly, and she's to ignore it being said yesterday and remind you if you don't speak up quick enough next time. Don't even mention anything about dd now weighing herself.

youknowmedontyou · 27/04/2019 16:00

I think you or DH need to sit MIL down and tell her straight. I don't know about apologising to DD in case this makes her dwell on it more..

cstaff · 27/04/2019 16:01

If your mil didn't know what was going on with your dd then maybe I'd let her away with it. But she did know so that is not good enough. She needs to be told to cop on.

Also even if your dd didn't have those issues it is still not a nice thing to say to anyone, never mind a teenager. Ffs your mil needs to grow the fuck up and your dh needs to be the one to put her right. Who knows what gem she will come out with next.

Hope your dd is ok Flowers

nokidshere · 27/04/2019 16:02

Sometimes people speak without thinking. Stop being angry and go and talk to her. Remind her that even things said in jest can be a trigger and even more so with your daughters history and ask her to be more careful. Often people think that eating disorders are "cured" and everything can go back to "normal", simply because they don't have experience of it or understand it.

You say you have "been trying" to break your daughters habit of weighing herself which means she isn't quite there yet, so she might have weighed herself today with or without the comment from her grandma.

You cannot shield your daughter from every inane comment she comes across, all you can do is support her as you have been doing. Speak to MIL then put it aside and go back to concentrating on your daughter

Gth1234 · 27/04/2019 16:06

On the other hand you cant live your entire life on eggshells worrying that a relatively innocuous remark gets taken the wrong way. I expect your DD hears far worse at school, for instance

Ratatatouille · 27/04/2019 16:06

Your DH sounds like an absolute tool. Your MIL possibly just a bit thoughtless.

It is NOT too much to expect people to be mindful of other people's struggles and the impact of their words and actions. Especially when they know all about that person's issues. I am astounded that a recovering anorexic's own father would frame this as "pandering" when it comes to her grandmother. He must realise what the outcome of anorexia is for some sufferers.

AfterSchoolWorry · 27/04/2019 16:06

You need to speak to mil and explain to her.

Ratatatouille · 27/04/2019 16:08

And anyway, anorexia aside, joking about someone having a "big fat bottom" is just fucking shitty. It's not funny or witty in the slightest and has so much potential to humiliate, embarrass, offend or otherwise hurt the person on the receiving end.

MorningRichie · 27/04/2019 16:08

The evil, vindictive cow should never be allowed to darken your doors again. What a horrific thing to say to a young woman with those issues.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/04/2019 16:08

"I am so irrationally angry! MIL has no idea what she has done and I want to tell her how insensitive she was but DH says it's DD who has an issue and we can't expect the world to pander to her. "

Your anger is rational.

I think you should tell MIL the results of her thoughtless remark, otherwise how will she know not to do it again?

As for your DH - wow. You're not expecting the world to pander to her, you're expecting family to be thoughtful and supportive. And as for ^"it's DD who has an issue", well that issue didn't come from nowhere, did it? He needs to give his head a wobble. Ask him this - if someone other than his mum had done this, would he be saying that? He should be prioritising his daughter's health over PANDERing to his mum.

Veterinari · 27/04/2019 16:09

Not telling someone that they have a ‘fat bottom’ is not ‘pandering’ it’s basic fucking human decency - even without the ED context. With that context MIL’s comment is not simply rude, it’s irresponsible and cruel.

You need to spell out the implications of her comment to DD and your idiot husband needs to stop fucking pandering to his mother and protect his daughter’s health and welfare

Alsohuman · 27/04/2019 16:10

Your anger is anything but irrational. I’m angry on your daughter’s behalf and it’s a toss up whether I’m more angry with your MiL or your husband.

And I loathe the word pander with a passion!