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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be fuming at MIL and her lack of sense?

224 replies

SmallFoot1 · 27/04/2019 15:48

I have a 12 year old DD. Over the last 12 months we have had a very difficult battle with an eating disorder caused by anxiety and DDs body image issues and inability to recognise she was underweight. DD has had counselling and worked hard to get herself well. At her worst her hair was falling out and she was dangerously underweight, it was the darkest and scariest time. I am so proud of her for overcoming this and she is now a healthy weight and doing well.

MIL knows all about our struggle.

Yesterday MIL called by. While she was here DD sat on the arm of my chair, which I am fine with but is a pet peeve of MIL. MIL told DD to get off as she would break the chair (she wouldn't). I replied that it's fine and I don't mind and DD said "I don't think my weight would break it" to which MIL replied jokingly "oh I don't know, with that big fat bottom it could!"

MIL was joking and deep down I'm sure she meant no harm but for Christ's sake think before you speak. DD went very quiet and this morning I caught her weighing herself (a habit we have been trying to break) and she is quiet and wearing her old baggy clothes.

I am so irrationally angry! MIL has no idea what she has done and I want to tell her how insensitive she was but DH says it's DD who has an issue and we can't expect the world to pander to her.

Am so terrified this could trigger a relapse as she is new to recovery and so fragile.

I need to talk to DD but don't want to upset her, and I want to wring MILs neck!!

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 27/04/2019 16:11

That is a comment I don't expect anyone to make to a young girl.

How very insensitive.

Epiphany52 · 27/04/2019 16:11

You need to speak to MIL and explain the consequences of her comments.
I also think speaking to DD would be a good idea too. Not a great comparison but recently I hear my DF talking to DS saying ‘ oh you won’t want to go to university’ he used to say this to me. Implying i wasn’t clever enough. So I spoke to DS and said sometimes Grampy makes silly comments and they are to be ignored. This might be a good time to have a similar conversation.

nokidshere · 27/04/2019 16:12

The evil, vindictive cow should never be allowed to darken your doors again. What a horrific thing to say to a young woman with those issues.

Yes of course, because a family feud and more stress will really help the daughter to feel in control won't it? Especially if she thought the row was about her HmmConfused

Mumberjack · 27/04/2019 16:12

It would be a rude enough comment for anyone, never mind a teenager, never mind a teenager with disordered eating!
Wonder if your MIL would take kindly to a ‘fat arse’ type of comment...
Is there a way you can tell DD how angry you feel about MILs comment, opening up a convo about how to ignore or address thoughtless comments in general (not specifically related to her or her weight)?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 27/04/2019 16:13

Does MIL have form for saying ill-considered things?

Katterinaballerina · 27/04/2019 16:15

Tell your MIL exactly what you’ve said here

‘MIL was joking and deep down I'm sure she meant no harm but for Christ's sake think before you speak. DD went very quiet and this morning I caught her weighing herself (a habit we have been trying to break) and she is quiet and wearing her old baggy clothes.’
‘Am so terrified this could trigger a relapse as she is new to recovery and so fragile’

You understand that your meant no harm but it has caused some harm and you are concerned. It’s not expecting ‘the world to pander to her’ for your DD to know that her weight won’t be joked about in her home when she’s still recovering from an eating disorder.

foreverhanging · 27/04/2019 16:15

Your poor daughter. I'm an adult and I would be very upset if someone said that to me.

diddl · 27/04/2019 16:15

What a stupid thing to any young girl.

She had no business telling her to get off the arm of the chair & should have kept her bloody trap shut after you said it was OK.

Sounds as if she's pissed off that what she wanted (no one to be sitting on the arm of the chair) didn't happen.

Ceebs85 · 27/04/2019 16:16

Sorry but not calling someone fat is not 'pandering' it's just basic manners/common sense

youarenotkiddingme · 27/04/2019 16:17

Great post nokidshere

Well done on coming as far as you have Thanks

Original poster
SmallFoot1 · 27/04/2019 16:18

MIL has made thoughtless (maybe thought out and just nasty) comments to me in the past and I've generally ignored it for an easy life. She is usually quite good with DD though and they get along ok.
DH and I are tense at the moment because I have told him I will speak to MIL and he thinks I'm "stirring up trouble and making DDs problem MILs responsibility". DH was in denial during most of DDs problems and I've had to arrange help and support her alone mostly. It's been horrific and it took a dr spelling it out to myself and DH for him to realise how serious things were.

OP posts:
BogglesGoggles · 27/04/2019 16:18

I’m inclined to agree with your husband in asfar as that your daughter is the problem here and you need to continue to focus on fixing that however, I don’t think it’s unreasobabke to expect your MIL to not set you back in your process.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 27/04/2019 16:20

body shaming a 12 year old is grim.

body shaming a 12 year old who has disordered eating is cruel.

Tell her off.

Silly cow.

diddl · 27/04/2019 16:21

"stirring up trouble and making DDs problem MILs responsibility"

It surely is the responsibility of her as an adult to not deliberately say such a thing to a 12yr old with body issues?

ElinorRigby · 27/04/2019 16:21

If it's a joke, it's not very funny is it?

How much does your mother-in-law know about anorexia and distorted body image? Does she know that young people have lost their lives from this condition? That it's a condition which mean young women may find it harder to have children?

Is she generally a loving person. Because I think she should apologise to your daughter for being rude and untruthful. And I think your husband should be backing you up. It seems really important that the two of you should be able to agree on the kind of support that your daughter needs - and to be clear with other relatives about a) how they can help and b) what to avoid doing.

This website might also be useful for your mother-in-law www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/04/2019 16:22

I would be telling your dd that her grandmother says stupid things. I wouldn’t be holding back on with what I said to your mil either. I’d say that your dd has reacted badly to her comment and you are very upset. Tough shit if she reacts badly. She shot her mouth off.

She’s making decisions about how your child acts in your house. You are not irrationally angry.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 27/04/2019 16:24

Your DH is right in the sense that the world can't pander to her. Others won't no and might make comments that could affect her however her grandmother shouldn't be saying things like that to her at all. It's not a nice thing to say to someone anyway let alone to someone with an eating disorder.

If I were you I'd have a chat to your MIL, explain what she said and now how your DD has responded to it.

Your DH needs to understand the problem that your DD has, he needs to be much more supportive. Eating disorders are horrible and can destroy people and families.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/04/2019 16:24

Oh and your dh is behaving like an idiot. His loyalty should lie with his child, not mother. Hmm

MaMisled · 27/04/2019 16:24

I so feel for you! My DD suffered similarly a few years back and my dear, generous, loving, kind brother (age 60) kept on referring to her "big, fat bum"! He knew of her issues but didn't understand. It was like a reverse psychology thing, ok to say because she had the opposite of a big fat bum. A generational thing, I think. I had to ask him to stop and I explained why. He was very upset with himself but did stop. I hope your DD takes no notice. Ouch.

AnnaMagnani · 27/04/2019 16:24

Your MIL needs to cop on.

Even if your DD didn't have an eating disorder it would be ragingly rude to say to another woman of any size.

We don't value women by how big/small they are and we don't bodyshame. It would have been just as unhelpful if her eating was disordered because she was big.

PrayingandHoping · 27/04/2019 16:29

We have a family member with an ED so I can completely understand what's happened here

You absolutely need to frankly tell your MIL what she said was beyond thoughtless and the damage it has likely done. She NEEDS to think about everything she says around your DD. No excuses.

I wouldn't give 2 hoots if u upset her or not. Your DD is far more important

My family member has had an ED for 15 years, nearly died several times and is in and out of a unit like a ping pong ball. I know what it's like when it's out of control and you are doing an amazing job with your DD helping her the way your are. It is so hard

ElinorRigby · 27/04/2019 16:32

I think if someone is having a serious mental health issue, family members accommodate that rather in the same way that if someone has a severely compromised immune system you don't sneeze all over them.

And even if someone didn't have a disorder relating to their body image - the comment was rude. Asking family members to be polite to one another seems reasonable.

IvanaPee · 27/04/2019 16:32

Your dh sounds like a total prick. He really does.

And your MIL is a silly cow.

JazzersMaw · 27/04/2019 16:35

Your DH is wrong, so is his mother. You should explain to her (or try to) what the issue is - I hope you can reassure your daughter.

Ated · 27/04/2019 16:36

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