To be fuming at MIL and her lack of sense?

[SmallFoot1]

I have a 12 year old DD. Over the last 12 months we have had a very difficult battle with an eating disorder caused by anxiety and DDs body image issues and inability to recognise she was underweight. DD has had counselling and worked hard to get herself well. At her worst her hair was falling out and she was dangerously underweight, it was the darkest and scariest time. I am so proud of her for overcoming this and she is now a healthy weight and doing well.

MIL knows all about our struggle.

Yesterday MIL called by. While she was here DD sat on the arm of my chair, which I am fine with but is a pet peeve of MIL. MIL told DD to get off as she would break the chair (she wouldn't). I replied that it's fine and I don't mind and DD said "I don't think my weight would break it" to which MIL replied jokingly "oh I don't know, with that big fat bottom it could!"

MIL was joking and deep down I'm sure she meant no harm but for Christ's sake think before you speak. DD went very quiet and this morning I caught her weighing herself (a habit we have been trying to break) and she is quiet and wearing her old baggy clothes.

I am so irrationally angry! MIL has no idea what she has done and I want to tell her how insensitive she was but DH says it's DD who has an issue and we can't expect the world to pander to her.

Am so terrified this could trigger a relapse as she is new to recovery and so fragile.

I need to talk to DD but don't want to upset her, and I want to wring MILs neck!!

Your MIL is a totally self-centred arsehole. To drag your DD into this is beyond despicable. You need to go no contact now, if only for a couple of weeks, to send an extremely strong message that this behaviour will not be tolerated.

You have a young lady who is extremely vulnerable in your household. There is absolutely no room for behaviour like this around her. Your DH needs to man up and accept that his mother needs to fall into line.

Gosh what a lot you have on your plate OP with all three of them.

Look after yourself too. Do something nice just for you today that's not about them for a bit. You're important too .

OP it is possible that there is s genetic link eith earog disorders, or at least they may be potentially hereditary.

www.sciencemag.org/news/2003/05/how-eating-disorders-are-inherited

That is notyobse your dh of course. My dd has a potential earing disorder, amongst other things, and I do have a form of eating disorder. I'm just saying this for clarity not to point any fingers.

Your MIL cleary does not to have one clue about how to react to this.

You are a brilliant mum.

Well done for keeping her safe.

Please tell me you kicked your DH out of the house for a few days after that comment. He sounds like a right tool. My cousin had eating disorders that were brought about by my Uncle saying she needed to lose weight when she was fine (Size 16, lovely curvy figure. But she went from a 16 to an 8 very drastically)

I'm so sorry your daughter been going through such hell. I wouldn't speak to my MIL ever again if it were Me. If she can't be mindful of a young girl's problems then she can't come in the house - It's simple

Sorry typos! That is not the fault of your dh of course...

I just knew your MIL would come up with a passive aggressive response, would make the whole thing about her and how she was wronged and refuse to take on board anything that might help and support your DD.

Your DH has a serious DM problem. It sounds like she was emotionally abusive to him through out his childhood and your DD’s eating issues will bring all this up again for him. I am really glad he is recognizing the evil influence of your MIL on your DD, the two of you need to stand together and block all access to your DD. Be prepared for major tears, dramatics and MIL taking the wronged victim role with everyone you know.

Wow... that voicemail is hideous. I'd be turning around the conversation, she's trying to make you and DD seem like the problem and blaming while you're trying to not hurt her feelings for peace. Play her at her own game. Make blaming comments to her, ask her why she's harassing her family, ask her why she thinks she should be pandered to and say that her generation is overly sensitive 😈 no one ever does this but I think it's the only way to get through to manipulators is to paint it as it is.

Hi @SmallFoot1

I've just read your thread with growing amazement at the complete lack of self awareness and empathy from your MIL towards you or your daughter. I can quite believe that she treated her son the same awful way when he was growing up and is continuing with her granddaughter.

I'm so glad your husband thought about what you said (when he'd had time to process it more after his "pandering" comment) and glad he's more understanding and on his/your daughter's behalf.

It's a pity you deleted her voicemail to your daughter as I think actually hearing his mother's words to his daughter would have had such an impact. However with his revelation to you about his mother's treatment of his own ED in his childhood I think the scales have really fallen from his eyes and he'll be more protective of your daughter from his DM going forward. I hope he lets his DM know, in unvarnished terms, how he feels about her actions.

I'd like to say that your daughter sounds very sensible and, yes, balanced given her ED and that with loving and intelligent support from you and now, the support of her dad, she will overcome this enough to live the life you want for her.

Distance from/brief NC with your MIL may also be helpful. Perhaps she can use the time to reflect on how she wants her relationship with your family to be in future.

Good luck OP. 🌹

Absolutely shocking behaviour.

Instead of genetics having a factor in this could it be your MIL and her influence.

As your dh said when he was out of her clutches he stopped throwing up.
Your dd is saying the time she has with her gm she gets the feeling that she isn’t liked.

Something very amiss if both your dd and your dh as a child felt the need to control their eating when around your MIL.

If mil ever leaves a nasty message on dds phone again, I would record it on your phone then delete it off dds. At least you will have a copy.

OP did you tell your DH about the voicemail? It's so great that he opened up to you and I hope you can continue on that open and supportive footing together.

Your mil sounds exactly like my mother. Poor you. The ONLY way to deal with this type of behaviour (unaware, likely on narcissistic spectrum) is with calm but firm boundaries. I empathise so much with your sheer anger at her I really do- and you must feel livid. But I suspect your mil will never change and never be reasoned with. Therefore trying to reason with her is pointless and simply uses up your valuable energy. She is too stuck in her own pattern of thinking and behaving. You and your DH can only neutrally repeat certain phrases and boundaries "DD has had an illness / Using language about body shape is inappropriate around her / no that won't be appropriate / no that won't work for DD" etc. If she argues just say "I'm sorry you are not able to hear what we are saying. / This won't work for now but we are happy to talk about it another time when you are clearer about DD's needs" etc and put down phone.

Your family of 3 is what matters and you and DH need to be a unit for each other and to support DD. If mil isn't onboard that's her choice.

As well as being cruel, I get the impression that she's also not very bright. She wouldn't have had the capacity to understand the nuances of your conversation so reacted to what she thought you were saying instead.
Be vigilant because she will try to contact your DD again. Can you change her phone number?

I have not RTFT because I am so angry. You have every right to be furious. I have no words

It sounds to me like your MiL is from the same generation as my parents, to whom those with eating disorders are picky eaters and mental heath illness can be turned on and off.

I would have gone absolutely apeshit at her for that comment and would have asked her to leave.

Your dh is wrong. You and everyone who loves and cares for your dh absolutely should and must pander to your daughter to encourage her to reach a point in which she feels well. Eating disorders are dangerous.

Sorry that should have read .... Everyone who loves and cares for your Daughter (not dh)

Plus the fact it's your chair, your house, your rules. MIL should not be telling DD off in any event, regardless of the thoughtless comment, if you say it's ok for DD to sit on the arm of a chair.

Just an idea @SmallFoot1, if she leaves any more voicemails, you could play it on speakerphone and use voice recorder on your phone so you have it saved as evidence and can delete it from your daughter's phone

Fucking hell she has totally disregarded everything you said
I would be livid

Your DD is very lucky to have you protecting her. You are doing exactly the right thing.

I think she might be jealous of your DD and the attention she's getting. She probably thinks her own needs should be prioritised over her DGC and is resentful that your DH is so caring towards his DD.

You may need to think through how else she might attempt to get her message across to your DD. She clearly wants to hurt her to try to make herself feel better.

Can I just say from, sadly, going through a divorce because of an ED (I gave everything for ten years out of a 20yr marriage until I couldn't handle it any more) that you must get your MIL on the same page. Take her aside and explain and tell her to stop it, now. The consequences, long term, can be devastating.

My wife's problem was diagnosed but not dealt with when she was a child. She 'got over it' herself....but she didn't, she just buried it. Further emotional trauma 20+ years later (caused by same 'idiot' family) set her off on a spiral I still find hard to understand and yet I've seen it all. I have a 'wife' that has all but shut down, can't do anything other than to do with food and has left me with, basically, a void where she was and no amount of love, care, money or expert help has changed her mindset. It is like living with a stranger or just becoming a carer and nothing else. It's AWFUL. You can imagine the stress of separation where one person completely relies on another.

So, the point is, your daughter deserves a life where she can be who she wants without the fear of humiliation by any means...and that starts at home. It sounds like she, and you, have done a great job so far. You're doing the right thing by tackling it even though I know just how hard it is. 'Normal', non-ED, sufferers will never really 'understand' I am afraid. Older generations are on another planet when it comes to understanding and sympathy. I 'begged' my wife's family for help and....they ignored me. So, communication is key, give your MIL a whooping (verbally:)) or don't have her over. No-one should have to go through what I have and I wouldn't want that for you any more than you 'have' to deal with it. Be proud of yourself and your efforts....tackling it when they're young is the best thing you can do.

All the very best:)

Thanks for all the replies.
Mil called me today, she didn't know that I knew about her voicemail. She started just chatting generally about stuff, no acknowledgment of anything from yesterday. So eventually I told her that I was aware she had called DD and left a voicemail and that I was unhappy with what she had said. She replied, "I would expect nothing less than you to get in the middle and prevent me having contact. You got in the middle of my relationship with my son and work hard on destroying that and now you are doing the same with my grandchild." I told her she had no idea, that I was not getting in the middle but protecting MY family from her, which is necessary. I told her she is free to contact her son as and when but to leave me and DD alone until we feel ready to see her and that DD herself has requested this. (Of course she said that's because I have poisoned DD against her!).

The best bit, DH called to say his mum had called him crying again and that he had told her that what she said to DD was wrong, that she owes an apology, that he will contact her when DD is ready to hear her apology and not before, and that if she tries to contact DD again without our consent that will be the last she hears from any of us!

DH is very shaky and came home from work early as he is upset but he is strong and I am so proud of him for defending his daughter and protecting her.

DD is not ok, she refused breakfast this morning. Her lunchbox is entirely empty, which usually means she has chucked it as there are remnants left if she eats. I have told her I will get her the high calorie/protein milkshakes while we deal with this and she agreed (she normally drinks them ok, it's food that's the issue and at least something is going inside her.)
She has til the end of the week and if no change I will arrange for her to go back to counselling.

Thanks everyone for the support.

I'm trying to find words for what I think of MIL but there aren't any, she's just breathtaking in her awfulness. I wanted to cheer when I read what DH said to her, bet it's taken it's toll though, he's facing some pretty big realisations just now.

Your response to what's happening with DD's eating sounds spot on to me, it's just bloody unfair this has happened and knocked her back. I hope you're all as ok as you can be, look after each other

Your poor family. And you. All of you. With everything all of you are going through, and this STUPID woman, all she can think about is HERSELF. Not her grand-daughter. Not the mother of her grand-daughter, who is having to do the equivalent of shifting planets to help her daughter be as emotionally safe and physically and psychologically healthy as possible. Not her SON, who she actually had such an incredibly damaging impact on also.

Your family is strong. You, as individuals, are strong. You are lending your daughter your strength, your protection. And you and your DH are growing in strength, together, as you mutually identify the threat to your family, and hold it at bay.

In short. . . you guys rock.

What a witch. Your daughter is very lucky to have you