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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fuming at MIL and her lack of sense?

224 replies

SmallFoot1 · 27/04/2019 15:48

I have a 12 year old DD. Over the last 12 months we have had a very difficult battle with an eating disorder caused by anxiety and DDs body image issues and inability to recognise she was underweight. DD has had counselling and worked hard to get herself well. At her worst her hair was falling out and she was dangerously underweight, it was the darkest and scariest time. I am so proud of her for overcoming this and she is now a healthy weight and doing well.

MIL knows all about our struggle.

Yesterday MIL called by. While she was here DD sat on the arm of my chair, which I am fine with but is a pet peeve of MIL. MIL told DD to get off as she would break the chair (she wouldn't). I replied that it's fine and I don't mind and DD said "I don't think my weight would break it" to which MIL replied jokingly "oh I don't know, with that big fat bottom it could!"

MIL was joking and deep down I'm sure she meant no harm but for Christ's sake think before you speak. DD went very quiet and this morning I caught her weighing herself (a habit we have been trying to break) and she is quiet and wearing her old baggy clothes.

I am so irrationally angry! MIL has no idea what she has done and I want to tell her how insensitive she was but DH says it's DD who has an issue and we can't expect the world to pander to her.

Am so terrified this could trigger a relapse as she is new to recovery and so fragile.

I need to talk to DD but don't want to upset her, and I want to wring MILs neck!!

OP posts:

Heartofgoldheadofcabbage · 27/04/2019 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sparklfairy · 27/04/2019 16:38

Shockingly bad advice Ated

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 27/04/2019 16:38

So she has form then... it seems you may have a nasty MIL. In which case, after you or DH has addressed her latest crap, you need to work on a damage limitation for this kind of thing, maybe giving her less opportunity to be in the company of DD?

Heartofgoldheadofcabbage · 27/04/2019 16:39

Sorry...I have reported myself...wrong thread...

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 27/04/2019 16:39

Ated wow, just wow.

Macandcheese05 · 27/04/2019 16:40

DH says it's DD who has an issue and we can't expect the world to pander to her.

i think DH is right. However I think your DD (or anyone for that matter) has the right not to be called fat in their own home by someone who loves them. The people closest to you are the ones you are supposed to trust and who will tell you things like weight gain. I would definitely have a word and just ask she be a bit more sensitive around DD. Your home is her safe place.

catsmother · 27/04/2019 16:42

It's not just the MIL who needs a taking to! I'm very sorry your daughter's recovery has potentially been set back by such a thoughtless remark but your DH's use of 'pander to' makes me wonder just how seriously he's taken/is taking his daughter's condition. I see a doctor spelled it out for him but it'd appear that it's only sunk in so far, and I can't help but question how he and his mother have discussed the situation between themselves?
It's true that if you're in a fragile state of mind (for whatever reason) seemingly innocuous remarks can take on a greater significance than they otherwise would, and it's true your daughter might see or hear things in the wider world which could be triggering for her. That's very hard to police because there are so many variables. But when someone is ill, or in recovery, then your nearest and dearest, at home, should be ultra sensitive to that and make every effort to be understanding and tactful. I would also expect both her father and her grandmother to educate themselves to the nth degree about eating disorders - even if they knew little about them beforehand - so they were best placed to support your daughter going forward. It would appear that either they haven't done this at all, or they have, and have dismissed it as 'all in the head' or 'attention seeking' or some such similar dismissive appraisal, or else neither of them could possibly think it acceptable to 'joke' (ha fucking ha) about the size/shape of your daughter's body.
Your daughter's condition isn't MIL's responsibility, no. But surely to god she has a responsibility simply to be kind? As does he. And the pair of them need to get this into their thick skulls as soon as possible, no matter what 'trouble' is stirred, in order to avoid future recurrences. I really feel for you having to shoulder this pretty much alone by the sounds of it. I am very very sorry to suggest anything which might be upsetting for you, and of course you don't need to be told how serious it is, but maybe they'd both benefit from being made to read case studies with tragic outcomes to impress the seriousness of it upon them.
I bloody well hope the witch has enough decency to thoroughly apologise for being so thoughtless and unkind. And that your daughter doesn't take her remark to heart.

PrayingandHoping · 27/04/2019 16:42

DH says it's DD who has an issue and we can't expect the world to pander to her.

Her on GM is not "the world" though. She should be able part of the group of people putting her arms around her and helping her through this

Happyspud · 27/04/2019 16:43

Taking care not to exasperate a loved ones very serious illness is not pandering. Your DH could do with pandering a bit more. You need to speak to MIL and (kindly as I don’t think she meant any harm) tell her that comments about your DDs body, food or weight are completely off limits.

diddl · 27/04/2019 16:44

Is letting her sit on the arm of a chair & not wanting her Gran to tell her that she has a big fat bottom pandering??

The poor girl is mentally unwell-she should be safe from barbs about weight in her own house!

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/04/2019 16:44

Ated
Why not go one step further, strap her to a bed and force feed her ffs.

eggsandwich · 27/04/2019 16:49

Honestly I’m not surprised your angry, if I was you I would have a word with your Mil and tell her firstly its your house and your furniture and if your dd wants sit, lie or jump on your furniture and your ok with it then its none of Mil business, and secondly I really think it would be good to educate your Mil about eating disorders and how idle comments about peoples weight can be a trigger and in future to think before she opens her mouth.

Oh and tell your Dh he’s a dick.

catsmother · 27/04/2019 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Xyzzzzz · 27/04/2019 16:51

Whilst the world will not pander to her, your MIL should not better.

Collaborate · 27/04/2019 16:52

As father to an anorexic daughter (doing ok right now) you are not overreacting. What an appalling thing to have said, and something to call her out on.

BoomBoomsCousin · 27/04/2019 16:53

I understand why you're angry. I would be too. And scared. But your DH makes a point you shouldn't ignore - the world won't "pander" to your daughter. Part of her getting well is her learning to handle comments from others, either said in jest or deliberately mean ones.

This is an opportunity to do that and it's one that's happened in front of you where you know what's going on. You won't have that sort of insight when it's someone at school who's made a comment in the changing rooms that she doesn't tell you about or when she's out on her own getting comments from strangers. So swallow the anger, talk to her doctor and find out how to support her in learning to love her body regardless of others' comments.

Purpleartichoke · 27/04/2019 16:56

This is not the world. It’s a family member in your home.

We have to be so careful in our speech with dd right now. Her anxiety is sky high and it’s so easy to trigger. The world causes her enough pain. My job at home is to create a sanctuary where she can recharge and safely practice her coping skills when things do inevitably come up.

ItsAGo · 27/04/2019 16:56

Sorry your DH isn’t on board.
Of course you have to speak to MIL and ask her not to make comments like that!
You need to talk to your daughter today and say MIL doesn’t mean it the way she’s thinking, MIL doesn’t like people say on the sofa arms as she’s from the history books and that’s why she said it, even if a baby was sat there she would have said.

Although can clearly get where your DH gets his denial over your DD from.

Acis · 27/04/2019 16:58

You need to point out to your husband that refraining from stupid remarks about big fat bottoms isn't "pandering" by any stretch of the imagination.

Walkaround · 27/04/2019 17:01

Well, if your mil and dh do not believe in pandering to people, then you could try the sledgehammer approach on mil and see how she likes it - she is an obtuse, obnoxious old woman...

RSAcre · 27/04/2019 17:01

but DH says it's DD who has an issue and we can't expect the world to pander to her.

Really?
His daughter has had a life-threatening illness, & this is the level of care & support he offers?

Even had she NOT been ill, MiL made an insensitive & damaging comment. I would expect a father to stick up for his child. It's hardly asking the world to pander to her, to expect her own grandmother not to be such an irresponsible twat.

Your poor daughter. Your husband needs a kick up the arse. Are you going to make sure he gets one?

cardibach · 27/04/2019 17:07

Presumably OP’s DH and posters who think it’s ‘pandering’ not to call the DD fat think it’s ok to refer to people’s ‘big fat bottoms’ generally? Because pandering implies special treatment, doesn’t it?
It isn’t. It isn’t ok to say that to anyone, male or female, fat or thin, suffering from/recovering from/never having had an eating disorder.
Jesus! I despair of people’s attitudes.
OP YANBU. At all.

RSAcre · 27/04/2019 17:09

"stirring up trouble and making DDs problem MILs responsibility"

DD is a 12 year old girl. Guess what - her problems ARE her family's responsibility! If MiL chooses not to get on board with that she needs to be phased out of DD's life for a while.

Your husband is unbefuckinglievable. Has he learned NOTHING about his child's disease? - because he is coming over as extremely ignorant & uncaring. Or is it that he's too selfish & lily livered to tell his mother to back off?

Katterinaballerina · 27/04/2019 17:16

Has your DH ever broken a bone? Suffered from back pain? Sprained a wrist? I’d tell him that the next time he does you’ll probably trip over his plastered foot or barge into him, as being careful when you move around him would just be pandering to him. Your DS has a healing wound. Just because he can’t see the bandages doesn’t mean your DD’s health isn’t vulnerable.

SallyBeach · 27/04/2019 17:18

So sorry for you going through this OP.

I think you would do well to speak with your DD openly and honestly about MIL's comment, rather than leaving it as this big unspoken elephant in the room. I think it's a good idea to sit her down and just say 'look, I know what MIL said was rubbish and tbh with you I felt really miffed about it, so I completely understand if you felt hurt. Grandma doesn't think before she speaks sometimes but the best approach is for us both to rise above it, and you've done so well etc..."

I also think a calm conversation with your DH pointing out the seriousness of this and ideally HE having a word with MIL. If he refuses then I definitely think you should tell her.

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