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Original poster

To be fuming at MIL and her lack of sense?

224 replies

SmallFoot1 · 27/04/2019 15:48

I have a 12 year old DD. Over the last 12 months we have had a very difficult battle with an eating disorder caused by anxiety and DDs body image issues and inability to recognise she was underweight. DD has had counselling and worked hard to get herself well. At her worst her hair was falling out and she was dangerously underweight, it was the darkest and scariest time. I am so proud of her for overcoming this and she is now a healthy weight and doing well.

MIL knows all about our struggle.

Yesterday MIL called by. While she was here DD sat on the arm of my chair, which I am fine with but is a pet peeve of MIL. MIL told DD to get off as she would break the chair (she wouldn't). I replied that it's fine and I don't mind and DD said "I don't think my weight would break it" to which MIL replied jokingly "oh I don't know, with that big fat bottom it could!"

MIL was joking and deep down I'm sure she meant no harm but for Christ's sake think before you speak. DD went very quiet and this morning I caught her weighing herself (a habit we have been trying to break) and she is quiet and wearing her old baggy clothes.

I am so irrationally angry! MIL has no idea what she has done and I want to tell her how insensitive she was but DH says it's DD who has an issue and we can't expect the world to pander to her.

Am so terrified this could trigger a relapse as she is new to recovery and so fragile.

I need to talk to DD but don't want to upset her, and I want to wring MILs neck!!

OP posts:
Original poster
SmallFoot1 · 27/04/2019 18:42

@Ated
Sorry for what you have been through.
But we are talking about a CHILD here. Yes it would be easier to not engage, but I wouldn't want another parent to think your suggestions are a good idea, especially without medical advice, so I had to respond.

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 27/04/2019 18:51

SmallFoot1 I used to work on an eating disorder unit.
YANBU to be fuming at MIL.
EDs are very prone to relapse. That was a really nasty comment made by MIL and she needs telling that your DD had attempted to resume some of her ED behaviours as a result of it.
Frankly, I would have told MIL to 'get out, now' at the time the comment was made, but you are obviously more polite than me!
You have done the right thing of talking it through with your DD.
Very much hope your DD stays steady. She has a great DMum.

Nancydrawn · 27/04/2019 18:57

Your family are supposed to be the ones who have your back, not the ones who make you feel on edge.

Your husband needs to get with the fucking program. She will remember her grandmother saying that for a long, long time.

Ihatehashtags · 27/04/2019 19:06

Go round there and tell her if anything like that ever comes out of her mouth again she’ll never see her granddaughter again. And get her to apologise to your daughter. Anorexia and bulimia have the highest mortality rates of any mental illness. It’s no joke. I would be livid.

Ihatehashtags · 27/04/2019 19:12

Im also shocked at the posters on here who are implying not accepting your daughter being put down and verbally abused by relatives is pandering. I’d hate to live in your households.

Ated · 27/04/2019 20:34

SmallFoot1:
That.s ok. They are better now but it meant the breakup of a family, another marriage, the loss of a successful business, a career gone, a house lost and complete financial ruin. It all started with what everyone thought was just a bad temper and frustration whilst out camping in a friends garden in the country. It escalated to multiple arrests, counselling, medication, police chases, mild violence, and then a deep downward spiral to finally 'shock' treatment which finally worked, but the damage had been done by then. Never close your mind to alternative suggestions because some remedies require a plaster and others radical surgery and only after intense evaluation.

Kennehora · 29/04/2019 11:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NCforthis2019 · 29/04/2019 11:08

Your husband is a fucking idiot and so is your MIL. What happens if dd goes in relapse because of her? Who picks up the pieces then? Idiots. I would have a stern word.

StormTreader · 29/04/2019 11:40

I'm going to guess that your MIL is also one of these people that thinks people "should just get over it", that mental illness is just "people making a fuss", and that everyone needs to not be such "special snowflakes".

This also probably does not apply to HER feelings which must be protected as she wanders through life being mean and thoughtless.

I'm assuming this because of your husband being so concerned with protecting her feelings from your criticism while being totally indifferent to your daughters.

LadyLaSnack · 29/04/2019 11:45

A disgusting comment to say to anyone, young or old, overweight or not. I would have been hurt and shocked and I'm a 37 year old woman. The history of eating disorder takes it off the scale. Reckless and dangerous. I feel angry for you. I'd be tempted to ban contact for a period to make the point to MIL and husband about how serious this is.

Mummaofmytribe · 29/04/2019 11:56

Family should be a safe haven for a child. You can't legislate for the world, but parents and grandparents should have the child at the forefront of their minds when she's had a rough time.
Refraining from bodyshaming an adolescent with an eating disorder is not "pandering".
I would say to your girl something along the lines of "blimey, old people can say such stupid things, can't they! I don't know what planet they're on!"
So she knows you're on to it without you making a huge fuss which might upset her more - and that you know Grandma's in the wrong, not your girl.
Then I would definitely be having a sharp word.
The woman would have to be dim not to know what an inflammatory remark that was!

Honeybee85 · 29/04/2019 11:59

What an incredibly rude cow your MIL is!
I would be furious too!

My sister was once left in tears at aged 14 when my grandma told her that her legs were a bit fat and she didnt even have an eating disorder ffs.

I would have a serious word with her about the impact of her thoughtless and downright dangerous comment!

Eliza9919 · 29/04/2019 12:41

I did say "don't be ridiculous!" when she said it but I don't think she realises what she has said or done!

You did better than I would have, I'd have smacked the woman in her big fat mouth thrown her out of my house for that.

PregnantSea · 29/04/2019 12:46

Wtf? Who would say that to any 12 year old girl, nevermind one who has been suffering with an eating disorder?

Your MIL was being a massive twat. Does she know that people die from anorexia? I would explain to her how serious this is and if she ever says anything like that again I would keep her well away from your DD for a long time. She needs to recover around people who don't tell her she has a fat bottom that will break a chair ffs

Original poster
SmallFoot1 · 29/04/2019 12:54

Thanks for all the replies. DD hasn't eaten much since it happened so I spent some time with her last night. We discussed the lack of food and it led to me asking if MILs comment had upset her. She looked embarrassed and said that mil is always telling her what to do and she feels like MIL doesn't like her. I have said if she feels that way then she should take some time away from mil and not see her for a while and DD was happy with that. We did some of her exercises from counselling together and this morning she had half a slice of toast and a banana which may not sound like much but it was a good sign.

I plan to speak to mil later today, not sure what to say in terms of phrasing thing.
What I need to say is "your comment the other day was out of order given you know DDs history and you have potentially triggered another relapse which I am desperately trying to contain. As a result you are not to visit us as DD needs space away from you as it appears you often cause DD to feel disliked (which may or may not be the case, however of DD feels it then that is enough right now for me to believe it and take action). "

However in the interest of not appearing as nasty or aggressive I need to say that more tactfully as if I appear to be "the baddie" to DH it could push him towards his mother rather than me and DD and we need to be a strong family unit right now for DD.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 29/04/2019 12:55

Refraining from telling someone that they have a big fat bottom is not pandering to them. It's treating them with the same level of respect and courtesy you would offer any adult.

There isn't any I can think it would be appropriate to say this to. It shouldn't be your DH's responsibility to stop his DM from syaing inappropriate things but, when she is saying it to his own DD and is likely to cause her significant harm, it is. It is his role to protect her from adults behaving inappropriately.

She sounds like the sort of person who enjoys putting children down and then justifies it as a joke so that nobody feels able to challenge it.

Some needs to have a frank conversation with her. If your DH is too scared to do it, you need to either keep her away from your DD or have the conversation yourself.

Ceebs85 · 29/04/2019 13:46

For what it's worth, you sound like an incredible mum. I'm glad you and your daughter are able to be so open with one another. You're responding by treating her with the respect she deserves and she's been able to articulate she'd appreciate not seeing this woman for now.

Hope it goes as well as it can with MIL X

Original poster
SmallFoot1 · 29/04/2019 14:00

@Ceebs85
Thank you, that makes me tear up because I am doubting myself literally every second of every day. I just want to fix things and wrap her up and keep her safe from the rest of the world forever. But I can't and I live in a state of constant fear while trying to pretend I am coping. Seeing the person you love most in the world struggle like this is the worst thing I have been through and I would give anything, absolutely anything, to make it all better. I am lucky that we are close and she opens up with me, her counsellor has said that she calls me her best friend which is wonderful, but I dread the years ahead in that as she gets older and becomes a teenager she will undoubtedly stop seeing me that way and I may lost what little influence I have to help her fight this. I don't let myself think for too long or it hurts too much.

OP posts:
Ceebs85 · 29/04/2019 14:04

@SmallFoot1
Ive not worked with ED specifically but I do work in mental health and have some experience.

Just the simple act of acknowledging the comment was cruel and unnecessary and handing power to your daughter will be invaluable I'm sure

Ceebs85 · 29/04/2019 14:07

You're shaping her now too don't forget so while that feels like lots of pressure for you now; she will be entering her teenage years with tools to manage pressures that come with it including managing comments like the one your MIL made

RB68 · 29/04/2019 14:12

There was no necessity for weight or her figure to be mentioned - just arms are not meant for sitting on - end of. She was wrong to make it about your daughters weight and body shape

Toooldtocareanymore · 29/04/2019 14:15

I'd tell your dh that he has 2 choices he tells his mother today or you will, because while you don't expect the world to pander to your daughter she has a basic human right to fell happy, and safe and not ridiculed or called names in her own home. While you know it was just thoughtlessness, you do not want that to ever happen again, so his mother has to be told very calmly what she said and what the reaction to that was, or could potentially be, so she doesn't thoughtlessly continue with this irresponsible type of banter. Your daughter doesn't have an issue she was ill, if her hair was falling out would it be ok for your mil to call her baldy.

downcasteyes · 29/04/2019 14:21

I would be furious if an adult said that to ANY child, let alone a child with an eating disorder.

To be honest, I would have given it to her with both barrels. "This is my house, and so it's my rules, and my own daughter is allowed to sit on the arm of my chair. How dare you suggest that she is in any way fat after the terrible time we have had with her eating disorder. I would like you to leave now, and think about what you just said".

downcasteyes · 29/04/2019 14:22

"However in the interest of not appearing as nasty or aggressive I need to say that more tactfully as if I appear to be "the baddie" to DH it could push him towards his mother rather than me and DD and we need to be a strong family unit right now for DD."

Also, this should be the last of your worries. Your DH need to stop being such a Mummy's boy and start standing up for his own family.

3timeslucky · 29/04/2019 14:22

In some respects the eating disorder is irrelevant - your MIL was bang out of order in making a comment like that anyway. But in the context of the ED she was reckless and I'd be (rationally) furious.

Your DH is also in the wrong. The world may not "pander" to your DD, but it is reasonable to expect that her family and home be places of respect and kindness.

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