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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming at MIL and her lack of sense?

224 replies

SmallFoot1 · 27/04/2019 15:48

I have a 12 year old DD. Over the last 12 months we have had a very difficult battle with an eating disorder caused by anxiety and DDs body image issues and inability to recognise she was underweight. DD has had counselling and worked hard to get herself well. At her worst her hair was falling out and she was dangerously underweight, it was the darkest and scariest time. I am so proud of her for overcoming this and she is now a healthy weight and doing well.

MIL knows all about our struggle.

Yesterday MIL called by. While she was here DD sat on the arm of my chair, which I am fine with but is a pet peeve of MIL. MIL told DD to get off as she would break the chair (she wouldn't). I replied that it's fine and I don't mind and DD said "I don't think my weight would break it" to which MIL replied jokingly "oh I don't know, with that big fat bottom it could!"

MIL was joking and deep down I'm sure she meant no harm but for Christ's sake think before you speak. DD went very quiet and this morning I caught her weighing herself (a habit we have been trying to break) and she is quiet and wearing her old baggy clothes.

I am so irrationally angry! MIL has no idea what she has done and I want to tell her how insensitive she was but DH says it's DD who has an issue and we can't expect the world to pander to her.

Am so terrified this could trigger a relapse as she is new to recovery and so fragile.

I need to talk to DD but don't want to upset her, and I want to wring MILs neck!!

OP posts:
livefornaps · 29/04/2019 14:22

To be honest, from this point, whenever DD was out of earshot I would be saying to MIL in a really pleasant tone of voice "do you mind getting your massive arse out of the way?" "Please don't sit there, you fat cow!" smiling the whole time.

timeisnotaline · 29/04/2019 14:30

It is a huge shame your dh isn’t on your side, because what you should tell your mil is what caring adult says to ANY teenage girl that they have a fat bottom? Much less their own grandchild who has been seriously unwell?! I have no idea where that came from mil but it has affected dd and you are not welcome here until you can at least pretend to be a caring grandma.

Seriously fuck your dh.

redexpat · 29/04/2019 14:31

Your DH is a prick and didnt fall far from MILs tree. How can they both be so flippant and dismissive of a potentially fatal illness? I just dont get it.

You otoh sound awesome.

JamesBoredom · 29/04/2019 14:32

Can’t expect the world to pander to her? Can’t expect people not to make comments about her body? Really?

Original poster
SmallFoot1 · 29/04/2019 14:35

Thanks and thank you @Kennehora for sharing your experience and for the advice. I really appreciate everyone's support.

OP posts:
JamdaniSari · 29/04/2019 14:37

You have every right to be angry. Your MIL is bang out of order.
Your DH needs to grow some and tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable.
Hope DD is ok? Flowers

Original poster
SmallFoot1 · 29/04/2019 14:39

The reason I want to keep the peace with DH is that if we are arguing or there is an atmosphere DD will pick up on it and her home should be her place of peace where she has no worries. Don't get me wrong, I'm annoyed with DH, but DD comes first, he can wait...

OP posts:
Kennehora · 29/04/2019 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SadOtter · 29/04/2019 14:45

If that's her sense of humour you need to have a word. She probably didn't mean it, and to an extent DH has a point, your DD needs to learn to ignore such comments because there will always be people who don't think but MIL is someone important in DDs life and she needs to be aware of the effect comments can have.

Hidingtonothing · 29/04/2019 14:53

FWIW my DM was absolutely my best friend all the way through my teen years and beyond OP, you might be surprised at just how firmly what you're doing for DD right now cements your relationship.

As for MIL, and your DH tbh, I suspect you're going to need to go into full 'lioness' mode to protect your DD, awful though that is when it's her own family you need to protect her from. Any and all accusations of 'pandering' or upset caused to MIL (or anyone else other than DD) need closing down with reminders that DD is ill, not upset or offended or any of the other feelings MIL might have, all of which are entirely insignificant by comparison. Your instincts are spot on, don't let anyone make you doubt them Flowers

BlueJava · 29/04/2019 14:53

What?! Sorry I have no advice but really your MIL is beyond it. What a ridiculous thing to say to anyone especially your DD. Who cares about the arm of the bloody chair anyway especially when they have been through so much! Hope your DD can put this out of her mind and move on.

Coyoacan · 29/04/2019 15:00

I just wish people didn't think it was funny to tell teenage and pre-teen girls that they are fat. My dd's father used to think this was hilarious

ChoudeBruxelles · 29/04/2019 15:00

I would have to say something to MIL. She needs to understand that what she does has an impact. She (and your DH) is an adult and your DD a 12 year old girl. It's not pandering. It's creating a safe environment at home.

Your daughter I'm sure will at some point have people saying things to her that may upset her, but home should be a safe place.

Would your DH like it if you were calling him fat? (by his own words he shouldn't bat an eyelid).

Original poster
SmallFoot1 · 29/04/2019 17:12

I called mil to speak to her this afternoon as wanted to talk without DD in earshot.

I started by saying that we need to be sensitive about how we talk about weight around DD. Mil agreed so I said "that's great, it's just your comment about her having a big bum really upset her."
Mil claimed she didn't remember saying it and if she had it would have have been a joke as DD is anything but big. I said I knew that but even so we should be careful.
She said next time she saw DD she would tell her she was slim, and I said no just don't comment on her weight. 🙄

At this point mil got defensive with "I just can't win" "does DH know you are speaking to me like this". She then said she would come over this evening to talk to DD. I told her not to as DD needs space and I was accused of trying to keep her away and that I make her worse by sheltering her. I did get a bit frosty at this point and told her again to give DD space and time to heal and I'm sure it will be ok.
Mil hung up on me.

DH called me 5 minutes later saying his mum had called him in tears saying I had told her she couldn't see DD again. I explained and he said he would call her back to explain.

However he did say DD has to come first and that while he wished I'd left well alone, he was surprised about DDs comment last night about mil and it had got him thinking about how mil would put him down as a child and that he will try and make peace but won't let mil near DD until she wants it. He admitted the eating disorder scared him because he used to make himself sick as a teen after eating lots, which I had no clue about, and that eventually he stopped when he went to uni but he wonders if there is something hereditary and blames himself. I assured him this wasn't the case and it's not his fault. I'm pleased he has opened up and we are going to talk more later if he is willing.

Thanks for everyone's replies and support, I'm not sure I would have confronted mil if not for people's reassuring comments and I feel like I understand DH more now too, and feel like a lioness needing to protect her whole family now. I'm quite tearful but am keeping going.

OP posts:
Eateneasterchocsalready · 29/04/2019 17:15

Only read page one but I can't stand this sort of thing. Your poor dd.

3timeslucky · 29/04/2019 17:23

Well done SmallFoot1 Flowers

livefornaps · 29/04/2019 17:26

Your poor DH. The hard line about "pandering" reflects his own upbringing in which clearly unhealthy attitudes to food and bodies were prevalent.

Your MIL is a clear manipulator who has no grasp of how to handle the situation. She sounds like the step mum in Fleabag!!! Pure awfulness with a smiling serene face.

Karwomannghia · 29/04/2019 17:26

As someone who has had extreme sensitivity to a couple of body issues growing up you are right to worry about the impact of this comment on your dd and right to make it very clear it is 100% not true at all and that people sometimes say things that are not at all true and MiL is one of them. You could maybe practise saying ridiculously untrue things to each other.
But ffs what was she thinking.

Ceebs85 · 29/04/2019 17:27

Oh well done and I'm so glad you have DHs back up now more too.

MIL sounds awful making it about her

EvenLess · 29/04/2019 17:31

Wow OP, your MIL sounds like a charmer... Your poor DD! Definitely a good idea for her to stay away for a while, especially with her reaction when you tried to talk to her about it.

Glad your DH opened up to you. You'll get through this- you sound like a lovely mum Smile.

Lancelottie · 29/04/2019 17:35

If you need to, explain it to her in terms of the broken limb, as suggested by wise posters upthread.

'MIL, you may not have meant any harm, but DD is trying to heal from a wound. Things that wouldn't hurt an uninjured person* can do serious damage to her while she is so fragile. You wouldn't poke someone on their broken arm, after all, would you?'

[*yeah, I can't actually think of anyone who would like being called fat...]

mbosnz · 29/04/2019 17:37

I've read the whole thread. You are an INCREDIBLE mother, and it's no wonder your daughter is also an incredible young woman, because she's been raised by you. And your daughter is an incredible young woman, because recovering from this cruel disease is a lifetime's work, and she's putting the hard yards in, and really trying.

I'm glad it sounds like your DH is getting with the program a touch more. That was a huge admission and a very insightful one on his part. Maybe now, he'll be able to open up to what his daughter is going through a bit more. (And his wife!)

MIL can go have her hissy.

(I have a family member who struggles to this day with an eating disorder - that she takes back to one particularly unnecessary, spiteful and cruel comment made by her mother. So I'm very aware of just how 'little' it can take. My FIL made a similar not funny comment to my DD on a skype call to her, with my DH and other DD on it as well, but not me. Other DD told me about it. DH did not. DH got it both barrels from me, because when I asked DD about it, she'd actually been quite hurt by it, understandably. Both DD's have decided that they'd rather not do skype calls with FIL anymore. And they don't have to. )

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/04/2019 17:42

Wow your MIL sounds like a manipulative sod. But the rest of it - your DH opening up, him stepping back and seeing the big picture - very, very positive and hopeful, OP. Best wishes, hope your further talks with him go well.

Original poster
SmallFoot1 · 29/04/2019 18:32

Mil has been trying to call DD directly on her phone. DD didn't answer and came and got me. Mil had left a voicemail which thank god DD didn't listen to and I'm so glad she didn't answer the phone, along lines of "your mum says that you don't want to see me anymore because apparently I said you had a big bum. This is ridiculous, obviously you don't but your mum is over reacting because of everything you put her through not eating. Let her know it's all ok then we can all be friends again."

I am livid! "Everything you put her through" honestly my heart is thumping with rage.
I have deleted the message and blocked her number from DDs phone but right now I am considering never letting her anywhere near DD ever again. I will speak with DH but that woman better not contact me for a very long time.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 29/04/2019 18:34

Oh shoot! You deleted it? Before DH heard it?!

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