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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming at MIL and her lack of sense?

224 replies

SmallFoot1 · 27/04/2019 15:48

I have a 12 year old DD. Over the last 12 months we have had a very difficult battle with an eating disorder caused by anxiety and DDs body image issues and inability to recognise she was underweight. DD has had counselling and worked hard to get herself well. At her worst her hair was falling out and she was dangerously underweight, it was the darkest and scariest time. I am so proud of her for overcoming this and she is now a healthy weight and doing well.

MIL knows all about our struggle.

Yesterday MIL called by. While she was here DD sat on the arm of my chair, which I am fine with but is a pet peeve of MIL. MIL told DD to get off as she would break the chair (she wouldn't). I replied that it's fine and I don't mind and DD said "I don't think my weight would break it" to which MIL replied jokingly "oh I don't know, with that big fat bottom it could!"

MIL was joking and deep down I'm sure she meant no harm but for Christ's sake think before you speak. DD went very quiet and this morning I caught her weighing herself (a habit we have been trying to break) and she is quiet and wearing her old baggy clothes.

I am so irrationally angry! MIL has no idea what she has done and I want to tell her how insensitive she was but DH says it's DD who has an issue and we can't expect the world to pander to her.

Am so terrified this could trigger a relapse as she is new to recovery and so fragile.

I need to talk to DD but don't want to upset her, and I want to wring MILs neck!!

OP posts:
woollyheart · 27/04/2019 17:18

You are right to be furious with any member of the family that said this to a 12 year old child.

It they don't have eating issues already, this drip drip of insults would upset anyone and cause problems.

Most people have enough common sense to avoid being spiteful to pubescent girls.

Ated · 27/04/2019 17:25

CATSMOTHER: Sometimes it is necessary to use shock tactics to get through to people who are irrational. Show them what can happen and if real photos do not make an impression and your talking to them at home doesn't work then consider medical intervention where control is removed from their hands until they are better.

caughtinanet · 27/04/2019 17:27

Your dh is clearly lacking in basic manners and decency if he classifies not body shaking as pandering. The apple has not fallen far from the tree there.

ElinorRigby · 27/04/2019 17:27

It's rather like putting a bottle of whisky in front of a young person with an alcohol addiction and suggesting that they rise above it.

Adults - which includes grandparents - have a duty of care to young family members. Not everyone will be clued up in advance about every kind of illness, but it's important to find out what the rules are in terms of the sorts of behaviour that facilitate recovery. And stick to them as a group.

Katterinaballerina · 27/04/2019 17:28

Guess who’s not a psychiatrist?

Dora26 · 27/04/2019 17:38

If your daughter is having the reaction you have described please schedule a “damage limitation” appointment with her counsellor who knows her. This is far more important right now than dh(wanker) or mil(stupid cow)

Original poster
SmallFoot1 · 27/04/2019 17:38

@Ated
I missed your first post before it was deleted but are you suggesting I show my daughter pictures? I mean...?? She has got better through reassurance, patience, counselling, behaviour therapy, doctors and counsellors have been involved and none have suggested traumatising her funnily enough. Please don't spout shit on the internet about helping children recover from life threatening illnesses which could make them worse, it's not helpful and could be damaging.

Thank you everyone else for validating how I feel. I just watched TV with DD and chatted, I told her she could sit on the arm of the chair whenever she likes and not to listen to mil. She understood what I was saying and thanked me and we had a cuddle. She cried a little but we are close and will get through this.
I have told DH I will be speaking to mil, not aggressively but just a mention that while she means no harm we have to be ultra careful around DD right now.

OP posts:
Ated · 27/04/2019 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Angelicinnocent · 27/04/2019 17:52

Honestly OP I think you have handled this perfectly. Be proud of your DD for taking the help she has been given and be proud of yourself for the love and support you have provided.

Mil is an idiot but you have taken the right approach.

Alsohuman · 27/04/2019 17:53

Deleted post not enough for you @Ated?

NewAccount987123 · 27/04/2019 17:55

Hi SmallFoot1 - registered on Mumsnet just to reply to you as your post hit such a nerve.

First of all, just to say you sound like you're doing everything right in terms of getting treatment for your daughter and helping her recover from this horrible illness.

I definitely don't think you are BU. I think what your MIL said was a nasty thing to say to anyone, let alone a child, let alone your granddaughter who is recovering from a serious illness.

You know your MIL best so you'll know whether telling her what she said was hurtful and insensitive will be well received and reflected upon or whether she'll take the same stance as her son and feel you're 'pandering' to your daughter (agree with the poster above who doesn't like that word!) . If it's the latter I'd be inclined to not say anything but use this opportunity to talk to your daughter about what her Gran said and explain that sometimes people say stupid, insensitive things without thinking and that it says more about them than about the person they're talking about.

I would be more concerned about your husbands general attitude to your daughters illness. Does he see your daughters illness as 'a fad' by any chance? In spite of recent high profile public figures talking about mental health and psychiatric illness there is still very much a lack of understanding around them: I often think it's because they're less visible - it can be easier to relate to someone in physical pain if you've never experienced emotional or mental pain and distress.

But your daughter is 12 years old and likely thinks the absolute world of her Dad and if she sensed at all that he saw her illness as a 'nuisance' or something that he wished she'd just 'get over' then she may find that quite upsetting. And children are so sensitive - if this is your husbands attitude then she likely will pick up on this.

One of the main things I can say from my own experience is please try not let your daughter become defined by this illness. She is a beautiful, wonderful young person who happens to have an illness.

Very best of luck SmallFoot1 - you sound like a great Mum and your daughter is very lucky to have you.

Original poster
SmallFoot1 · 27/04/2019 17:59

@Ated but I have received brilliant advice on here and the support means alot. I care less about your opinion however I would hate for anyone in a similar situation to take you seriously as your advice has the potential to cause lots of damage... (You don't care about that though do you, so long as you can make a case and "win" rather than admit you might be wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
SmallFoot1 · 27/04/2019 18:00

@NewAccount987123,
Thank you your post means alot and you raise some important points that I will give thought to.

OP posts:
woollyheart · 27/04/2019 18:00

I had a similar problem with my DF with my Dd when she was in a similar state of mind to your daughter. DF could be very insensitive and targeted people when they were vulnerable.

After a few comments like this, I came down on him like a ton of bricks and told him never to speak to my daughter like that again, to have more sense and stop being so spiteful.

He was a bit shocked 😮 but never tried it again. I think my daughter appreciated someone standing up for her and stopping it.

It is a very worrying time for you all. Wishing you the best in dealing with this and hope your daughter emerges unscathed- as mine did. Thanks

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 27/04/2019 18:08

@Smallfoot1 - to me, this smacks of your dh and your MIL not believing that mental health issues are real. They don’t get that what your MIL did is the same as feeding a diabetic pure sugar, or leaning repeatedly on someone’s broken leg.

I have a mental illness - depression - and I want people to know that mental illnesses are just as real as physical illnesses or injuries - as Dumbledore says to Harry “Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”

Lizzie48 · 27/04/2019 18:15

I expect your DD hears far worse at school, for instance

That’s not the same and you know it. Home should be DD’s safe place and her family should have her back.

My DM said some truly awful things to me about my weight when I was growing up and I’ve had so many issues with eating as a result. What parents (and grandparents) say can cause lasting damage.

Your DH needs to be on board with this, and make it clear to his mother that what she said isn’t on. It would be a nasty thing to say to any teenager, never mind one with an ED.

You need to continue what you have been doing with your DD, and she will get back on track. FlowersFlowers

TeamLannister · 27/04/2019 18:17

I also think your DH doesn't recognize your DD's illness which is troubling. But eating disorder or not, your MIL's comment was rude and hurtful and she would have known as much. My DM used to comment on me and my sister's sizes/weight etc, and would have thought she had a right to announce you had a fat arse in company. Funny thing was the only fat arse was her own!

BertrandRussell · 27/04/2019 18:19

You’re not irrationally angry at all- you’re perfectly rationally angry.

Nsmum14 · 27/04/2019 18:24

That is a completely out of order comment! I would be so so angry with MIL. I suffered from an eating disorder at the same age as your daughter, and the mental anguish was nothing short of torture. If someone had made a comment like that I would have been devastated, and it would have stayed in my mind. Your MIL should not be allowed to see your daughter is she is going to come out with destructive comments like that.
Well done to you and to your DD for getting help, and for managing to escape the grip of this horrid horrid illness. I wish her all the best. Many of us have had eating disorders and survived them and gone on to lead full lives. She needs to surround herself with kind, loving, understanding people, which it sounds like your MIL is not.

Italiangreyhound · 27/04/2019 18:26

"I am so irrationally angry! MIL has no idea what she has done and I want to tell her how insensitive she was but DH says it's DD who has an issue and we can't expect the world to pander to her."

This is not an irrational anger. Your MIL was wrong and stupid and you need to tell her. Whether your husband sees this or not is immaterial. Just explain calmly to MIL your fears for your dd and the fact she was weighing herself the next day and say to MIL not to mention weight, food or breaking furniture.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/04/2019 18:33

Aged
Maybe if you don’t wish to look like a complete fool you should retain such stupid comments in your twisted brain.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/04/2019 18:34

That was to Ated - autocorrect amended this.

Ated · 27/04/2019 18:35

SmallFoot1:
I am glad that you have the time to talk withyour DD and she is somewhat better. I however am not trying to win an argument or prove myself right or wrong, no matter what your perception of my response.I merely stated that shock tactics can be effective in the right circumstances and sometimes as a last resort. Having had the experience of someone that wished to 'end' their life and watching a family disintegrate because of it and noting all the counselling, group therapy, medication and 'sectioning' and seeing shock treatment providing the cure, spread over eight years, i've opened my mind to all kinds of treatment. If you don't agree with others opinions then ignore them, but don't engage in correspondence with them, it solves nothing.

Italiangreyhound · 27/04/2019 18:35

Gth1234 "On the other hand you cant live your entire life on eggshells worrying that a relatively innocuous remark gets taken the wrong way."

When you have a child with mental health issues, you do need to do that. And it is draining and awful, and you would expect those who love your child not to make it worse.

SmallFoot1 "DH and I are tense at the moment because I have told him I will speak to MIL and he thinks I'm "stirring up trouble and making DDs problem MILs responsibility". DH was in denial during most of DDs problems and I've had to arrange help and support her alone mostly. It's been horrific and it took a dr spelling it out to myself and DH for him to realise how serious things were."

Sounds like your DH is in denial, not taking it seriously whatever. Or as been. You don't need his permission to speak to your MIL. I am sure you will be kind and pleasant but serious. He doesn't need to worry about his mum, he should be worrying about his DD.

BarbarianMum · 27/04/2019 18:36

When ds1 was allergic to nuts, our house was a nut free zone. The world will not pander, but you can create a safe space within it where you can relax.