To be fuming at MIL and her lack of sense?

[SmallFoot1]

I have a 12 year old DD. Over the last 12 months we have had a very difficult battle with an eating disorder caused by anxiety and DDs body image issues and inability to recognise she was underweight. DD has had counselling and worked hard to get herself well. At her worst her hair was falling out and she was dangerously underweight, it was the darkest and scariest time. I am so proud of her for overcoming this and she is now a healthy weight and doing well.

MIL knows all about our struggle.

Yesterday MIL called by. While she was here DD sat on the arm of my chair, which I am fine with but is a pet peeve of MIL. MIL told DD to get off as she would break the chair (she wouldn't). I replied that it's fine and I don't mind and DD said "I don't think my weight would break it" to which MIL replied jokingly "oh I don't know, with that big fat bottom it could!"

MIL was joking and deep down I'm sure she meant no harm but for Christ's sake think before you speak. DD went very quiet and this morning I caught her weighing herself (a habit we have been trying to break) and she is quiet and wearing her old baggy clothes.

I am so irrationally angry! MIL has no idea what she has done and I want to tell her how insensitive she was but DH says it's DD who has an issue and we can't expect the world to pander to her.

Am so terrified this could trigger a relapse as she is new to recovery and so fragile.

I need to talk to DD but don't want to upset her, and I want to wring MILs neck!!

AND I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE DID THAT!!!! WHAT A WITCH!!!!!

I completely agree that comments from people at school, on social media and even strangers count for nothing. They are people who don't know you and can only judge you on your appearance.

The thing about comments from family is that they know you. They know whether you are kind and caring; they know whether you go out of your way to help people; they know if you are funny and whether you are a laugh-out-loud type or a killer one-liner type person; they know what you like doing in your free time, who you admire and what you think about the world.

So to find out that they are eyeing you up and wondering whether you have put on weight since last time they saw you, looking at your bottom and thinking that it's got a bit big, thinking that your thighs look a bit chunky or noticing your cankles and are thinking about it and commenting on it even when they know all that other stuff about you is heartbreaking. It makes you wonder what everyone else might be thinking if your own family are so wrapped up in your appearance that they see fit to comment on it even when they know it's likely to upset you.

So it's not pandering to expect your family to be mindful of treating you like a person who is more than just their appearance or weight. It's what we should all strive to provide for the people we care about!

OP - the fact that your MIL made it all about her as SOON as you pushed back a bit tells you all you need to know. She wasn't sad that she had upset your daughter, she wasn't sorry that she had said something inadvertently hurtful - she was only concerned about how it was going to impact her if she couldn't comment on your daughter's weight (WHY is she so keen to say anything about it - I can't wrap my head around why she is so determined to mention it!) and how mean you were being to her by asking for space. She didn't call your husband to clear the air and apologise or explain, she wasn't crying because of the impact her words had - she was feeling hard-done-by because you asked her to put her own weird desire to comment on your daughter's body aside to aid her mental health, and she does not want to do that. She's a twat, in short, so well done you for getting her off your daughter's back and putting a stop to her negative input. Your daughter's lucky to have you - I hope that this is the beginning of her being able to say the same about her dad.

Yeah shouldn't have deleted but couldn't risk DD hearing it and she would have wondered why she couldn't have her phone back.

What an ignorant and vicious old harridan she is.

I think you've handled everything so well Small. In your shoes though, I'd be seriously thinking about whether you can trust her near your DD again. Certainly never unsupervised.

Bloody hell. I was appalled at the original post, but that voicemail is disgusting. What a horrid shit she is.

It isn't pandering to not talk about your daughters weight or make jokes about it. Mental health issues need to be carefully managed long term and small, flippant, thoughtless comments are often the most distressing. You do need to have words with your MIL and possibly your DH. Could you all attend family counselling together and outside perspective may help. I did this with my mum recently I wish we'd done it sooner. She has a much better understanding of me now and I learned some things too.

She doesn't seem to have a clue! She sounds like a bull in a china shop.

I don't think DH will doubt what MIL said in that message, sounds like the penny has dropped for him too. Just keep doing what you're doing OP, if I'm half the mother you are to my DD I'll be more than happy

Tell mil what she has done and that you can't trust her round dd atm.

No, it's not dd issue, it's your dh issue. Who would take the side of somebody who'd done that, even if unintentional.
Something tells me the dh is the reason for dd illness, call it instinct.

@RomanyQueen1 wtf! DH is not the reason for DDs illness. Nasty little bullies are which is why DD moved schools. DH may have confused loyalties with his mother but there are reasons for that, however he is amazing and strong and a brilliant dad.

It's never kind to comment on anyone's weight, let alone a child's and one in your own family. I don't have an ED but I do have a tendency to emotional eating and a lack of self esteem thanks to my father's continual comments on my weight, no doubt linked to his mother's and sister's skeletal bodies and Gran's anorexia. "Jokes" about personal qualities are never welcome, particularly from those who should love you.

Bloody hell, that is complete reason for going NC with her. Huge well done for protecting your daughter so well and I hope your DH opens up and things improve.

How old is your MIL?

Her voicemail 😳

Her lack of boundaries 😳

Her lack of sense 😳

I hope that at least this will bring you & DH closer together on this and allow you both to feel supported by each other rather than you feeling a bit alone with it all.

Hopefully it’ll open his eyes to him previously pandering to his mother at the cost of you and DD.

You sound amazing & DD is very lucky to have you 🌷 don’t doubt yourself for a minute.

I don't have any constructive suggestions about how to approach the chat with MIL, but I just wanted to say that you sound like a fantastic Mum, who is really tuned in to her daughters feelings, and is always ready to fight her corner. Best of luck to you and your DD x

Your DH has had the awareness to think beyond his original reaction and that's to be commended. My DH often has a knee-jerk reaction to things but will then come back later with a really thoughtful, considered response when he's had time to process, I ignore what he says initially now and wait for the 'proper' version It sounds like your DH did the same and that he may well have some stuff to work through of his own in the not too distant future but, as Incredibly said, it may well bring you and he closer. I hope so, better for everyone if you're supporting each other, especially DD. Sending unmumsnetty hugs to you and DD, hope she's doing ok

Sorry, phone threw a wobbly, have asked for duplicates to be deleted

I am so sorry you are going through this. At least it seems now your DH has at last seen your MIL in her true colours. You are absolutely right to have said no contact and she is now seriously overstepping by contacting your DD, terrible behaviour. I hope your DH can now see why you both need to concentrate on your DD and your family unit as a support to her. We are all rooting for you and your DD.

Ah I've just seen your updates about the phone call and the VOICEMAIL - what is wrong with that woman??

I wonder if your MIL really understands how dangerous anorexia is. I don't care if it sounds melodramatic, if it pushes your DD into a relapse then it is genuinely putting her life at risk. Perhaps she needs some education or just to bloody Google it.

Surprising update about dh. Not surprising update from MIL.

Oh my, your MIL sounds like a complete narcisissist. The comment on your daughter, complete lack of empathy, manipulation, not respecting boundaries......

Well done for blocking her number and keeping her away from your daughter.
I grew up with a narc father and such family member can completely wreck your self esteem.
I wish my mother had been like you