To be fuming at MIL and her lack of sense?

[SmallFoot1]

I have a 12 year old DD. Over the last 12 months we have had a very difficult battle with an eating disorder caused by anxiety and DDs body image issues and inability to recognise she was underweight. DD has had counselling and worked hard to get herself well. At her worst her hair was falling out and she was dangerously underweight, it was the darkest and scariest time. I am so proud of her for overcoming this and she is now a healthy weight and doing well.

MIL knows all about our struggle.

Yesterday MIL called by. While she was here DD sat on the arm of my chair, which I am fine with but is a pet peeve of MIL. MIL told DD to get off as she would break the chair (she wouldn't). I replied that it's fine and I don't mind and DD said "I don't think my weight would break it" to which MIL replied jokingly "oh I don't know, with that big fat bottom it could!"

MIL was joking and deep down I'm sure she meant no harm but for Christ's sake think before you speak. DD went very quiet and this morning I caught her weighing herself (a habit we have been trying to break) and she is quiet and wearing her old baggy clothes.

I am so irrationally angry! MIL has no idea what she has done and I want to tell her how insensitive she was but DH says it's DD who has an issue and we can't expect the world to pander to her.

Am so terrified this could trigger a relapse as she is new to recovery and so fragile.

I need to talk to DD but don't want to upset her, and I want to wring MILs neck!!

Well done again for protecting your family. Sadly she’s always going to see you as stealing her son away. And it will be really difficult for your DH now the mist has lifted and he will process everything that has gone on in his past.

Well in some ways she's done you a favour, her true feelings and nastiness are out in the open. As a strong family unit you can take steps to mitigate against her negative influence and ensure she doesn't continue to keep setting your daughter back in her recovery.

Your MIL is working hard to get herself into a total No Contact situation with all three of you, foolish woman. She's so entrenched in her own, wrong, self belief that she doesn't recognise how close she is to losing your family.

Well done to you, DH and DD and strength and love to you all. 🌈

Yeah I will be no contact for the foreseeable, I blame her for the relapse. Yes it's an ongoing battle but we were winning for a while there... I don't have the strength to deal with mil, everything I have is for DD right now. Nothing else matters.

I don’t think it’s pandering to avoid saying that sort of comment. I wouldn’t say that to anyone, certainly not a teenage girl even if I knew nothing of the circumstances.

I don’t think you’re being irrational at all. I think you have every right to be furious. I think your DH (but if he won’t, then you) should ring up GM and explain firmly but kindly exactly how incredibly dangerous that sort of comment is.

I’m so sorry, I missed somehow the last page.
How awful to ring your daughter like that!!
Even if it was a poorly judged comment she should have apologised and agreed with your totally reasonable advice.

Keep well clear.
Also, you sound like such a wonderful mum. None of this is your fault.

Well done SmallFoot, and well done Mr SmallFoot.

@SmallFoot

What an incredible mother you are! Thumbs up to DH as well, it must have taken a lot to stand up to his mother like that.

I have no experience with ED but I am a primary teacher and know all too well how body image issues are working their way into the minds of younger and younger children at an alarming rate. Of course not helped by the media and social media.

Your daughter is doing exceptionally well, regardless of the relapse you should be so proud of her, it’s awesome you two are so close. You absolutely did the right thing telling her she didn’t have to see her grandmother until she wanted to, you’ve given her all the power, and so often young people feel like they have no power whatsoever and are forced to go places/see people they don’t want to.

You go lioness mama!!

Well done and I hope your DD overcomes this set back.

I don’t have any experience of ED but I do know that when my DD needs me (she has a rare bone disease) I don’t have room in my life for anyone that complicates it. Dealing with a child that is unwell is challenging enough without having to pander to narcissistic ILS.

Good god OP, you are truly wonderful defending your dd like that. What an evil witch your MIL is! Utterly appalling! for you and dd

@SmallFoot1 - has anyone told your MIL that she has caused your dd to relapse? She needs to hear, plainly, how much damage she has done.

My heart goes out to you and your dd - and to your dh too - it must have been hard for him to stand up to his mum - I suspect he is stuck in FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt).

"Mil called me today, she didn't know that I knew about her voicemail. She started just chatting generally about stuff, no acknowledgment of anything from yesterday."

I suspect there was a strong element here of "ha ha, I've gotten one over on you by calling your DD without you knowing, I've won and you don't know" which was then scuppered by you telling her the truth. She must have been really pissed off that you knew!

Oh my god, that woman is a divisive BITCH! Thank goodness your husband had your back this time!!! Unfortunately I foresee unsolicited visits in your future. She isn't going to take this lying down because I suspect she sees contact with your DD as her right. She is not going to see herself as being the damaging harpy that she is. I am very proud of you and DH for being such an amazing team for DD.

"With everything all of you are going through, and this STUPID woman, all she can think about is HERSELF."

Mbosnz is absolutely spot on here. She's allowing her unresolved Freudian issues with her son come before the wellbeing of an extremely vulnerable young woman. The essence of selfishness.

Oh well done OP! And well done your DH! 💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽 I am so glad for you that he has stepped up so brilliantly and now you are a unit you can all work to support your DD. Forget mil- she has been told!!!

I really hope things calm down for DD and the steps you are taking support her to get back to full health. You sound like you are doing an amazing job. Wishing you all well

Your DD is lucky to have you (and your dh). Wishing you all well.

Your MIL's behaviour makes me feel sad and angry.

I've been watching this thread but wanted to take the time to say how incredibly strong both you and your DH are and how lucky your DD is to have such helpful, supportive and loving parents.

Ive no advice but wanted to tell you that you're doing a great job

Op you and your husband sound like incredible parents. 💐

Hi op I have just read this thread and just wanted to agree with pps that there is thought to be a genetic link with eds so it may be significant that your dh had one in his past.

Nothing to do with blame but just may help your dd understand herself more that she may well have a genetic predisposition to this and it is not her fault but it is not inevitable and she can get better.

(From personal experience eds very clearly run in the paternal line of my family with a few in each generation that I know of having one. Including me unfortunately but I am recovered now although it will always be my Achilles heel I think.)

Your dd is very lucky to have you and her df to support and protect her and keep that toxic woman away from her:-(.

Why do I have the feeling that Maleficent is going to swoop in on her dragon to do some dirty work this weekend? (*artistic license taken with Disney cartoon)

OP, following on from justilou1's comment, I would agree to watch for anything happening soon, and possible flying monkeys.

That woman is pure evil.

DD has two wonderful, caring, protective parents supporting her through this. She's got an excellent chance of gaining control. Unfortunately she may have further relapses in the future but knowing her mum and dad are there to cocoon her in love without judgement will be very beneficial.

I wish you, your DH and most all your DD the very best.

Just wondering if she's respecting your boundaries still?

YANBU. Your MIL lacks insight (& probably knowledge re eating disorders) and needs it spelling out that her comment was thoughtless & insensitive and had an adverse effect. Your DH needs to know that he is equally unsupportive & family should be there for your DD, not minimisi g her illness by usi g terms like 'pander g'.