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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to visit my dying sister or go to her funeral?

264 replies

Cruelstepmother · 24/04/2019 17:59

She has cancer, will prob live a couple more weeks/months, lives about 6 hours drive away. She's surrounded by other family members, I don't want to watch her dying and my DH has heart failure, is very frail and needs my help. She hasn't asked to see me, but we're very close and love each other more than our other sisters.

OP posts:
PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 24/04/2019 18:01

Will you regret it if you don't?

Floralnomad · 24/04/2019 18:01

I think you will regret not going , so I’d go . Make it into a mini break and take dh with you .

tessiegirl · 24/04/2019 18:01

Is there a background reason you don't want to go?
I would be worried I would deeply regret not saying goodbye in the future.

HerRoyalNotness · 24/04/2019 18:02

I would go to see her before she dies, but miss the funeral if your DH can’t do without you

99calmbeforethestorm · 24/04/2019 18:03

I would arrange care for DH and go and see your sister.

Dieu · 24/04/2019 18:03

You should go.

Halo84 · 24/04/2019 18:03

I would go see her for a day. You will regret it if you don’t.

malificent7 · 24/04/2019 18:03

At least attend the funeral....you will be so upset if you don't. Sorry op...grief is shit.

BlueEyedBengal · 24/04/2019 18:04

You are very close and love each other? Then you must make that trip and let her know you are there for her and it will help you saying goodbye. You will probably regret it if you don't. I am very sorry for your sisters illness sometimes life is horridThanks

fruitbrewhaha · 24/04/2019 18:04

Oh dear, I'm sorry, that is sad.

Is there no one who can stay wth your DH while you go? If you love her I'm sure you will regret not going to see her. You don't have to watch her die. Just go and have a final chat, cheer her up a bit, it's hard on her.

The funeral is for the people left behind, not the dead, it's a good way to get closure.

AnneTwackie · 24/04/2019 18:05

Go. You will regret it if you don’t. It will be hard for you of course, but harder for her.

Binting · 24/04/2019 18:07

I would go. My brother was in a hospice 18 months ago and although we weren't very close I was there with him to the end. His wife chose to stay away as she didn't want to see him looking as I'll as he was. It broke my heart every time the door to his room opened and and a glimmer of hope was in his eyes hoping it was her. Even if she is very weak she may be hoping to see you x

AnneTwackie · 24/04/2019 18:08

It sounds like you might be in denial which is really common in grief, and understandable given your husband is so ill too, but something you need to tackle head on. Wishing you strength and comfort OP Flowers

Idonotlikeyoudonaldtrump · 24/04/2019 18:09

You absolutely have to go.

GreytExpectations · 24/04/2019 18:09

Honestly, yes you should go. You say you love each other but why wouldnt you want to say good bye? Imagine how your own sister would feel if you didnt show up? Imagine the guilt youd live with? Wouldnt you want to be there for your grieving family?
It seems like unless there is some really bad history or some kind of serious emergency, then not going would be a terribly awful thing to do.

Nanny0gg · 24/04/2019 18:09

I think you should go and see her while you still can.

PinkCrayon · 24/04/2019 18:10

I would visit. You might regret it.

Qweenbee · 24/04/2019 18:10

Go and see her and miss the funeral if it's one or the other. You might not want to see her but I bet your bottom dollar she would like to see you.

MuddyMoose · 24/04/2019 18:10

I'd go. I think you'll deeply regret it if you didn't especially as you are close. I'm sorry for what you & your family are going through.

RomanyQueen1 · 24/04/2019 18:12

This must be so hard for you with a sick husband too Thanks I'm so sorry you are facing this.
I know that I would regret it further down the line if I didn't go. Is there somebody who could look after dh while you go?
Or could you arrange a carer for the time you are away?

NoSauce · 24/04/2019 18:12

I’m sorry about your sister OP, I’m sure she would love to see you. I think you should go. Is there anyone who could stay with DH while you go or could you take him?

junebirthdaygirl · 24/04/2019 18:13

One of the saddest things l experienced when my dm was dying was seeing her saying goodbye to her closest sister. It was heartbreaking but beautiful as there was so much love there. Please go and see your sister. Have you someone to drive you there or could you fly. I know it's difficult and probably missing her funeral would be alright. But a visit will help you when she finally goes.
Take care of yourself as you have a lot going on.

Lifeisabeach09 · 24/04/2019 18:13

Don't go for yourself. Go for your sister.

acalmerfuture · 24/04/2019 18:13

I had a painful relationship with my dad and went nc with him. I never visited him when he was terminally ill and did not go to his funeral. It is over a decade later and I still find this hard to live with. If you are close to your sister I think you will find it unbearably hard, if not now but in the future, to know you did not visit or go to her funeral. All human cultures have developed rituals around death to help the living to cope with the death of a loved one. It is hard to process the death of someone close if you have not been through these rituals.

Downthecanal · 24/04/2019 18:14

You must go and see her.

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