Not to visit my dying sister or go to her funeral?

[Cruelstepmother]

She has cancer, will prob live a couple more weeks/months, lives about 6 hours drive away. She's surrounded by other family members, I don't want to watch her dying and my DH has heart failure, is very frail and needs my help. She hasn't asked to see me, but we're very close and love each other more than our other sisters.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. But if it's at all possible to arrange help for your DH, then I really think you should go. If you don't, it's a decision you can ever undo or put right if you regret it.

Not even the fact the ops husband is really ill !! There’s no need to add to the ops guilt

You wouldn't be expected to stay until she dies though would you?

Just visit for as long as you feel you can manage.

Yes go of course.

For me I would feel it would be more important for me to see her now whilst I still could. The funeral is for the living and if you don't think it would matter to you to miss it then have you own private memory session at home

It’s not about making the Op feel guilty. It’s about saving her from feeling guilty when her sister is gone and there is nothing she can do about it.

I do think you should go to see her once before she dies - you don't need to sit with her for weeks as you did with your mother, there are others to do that.

On the other hand, the funeral is unimportant in my mind - you can take yourself off somewhere private at the time and think of your time together.

I was with my sister when she died (brain tumours). I will treasure these last few moments and I'm glad I spent these very precious times with her. It had been a horrible, cruel illness but her last days were very peaceful.

I organised and attended the funeral. TBH- the funeral is for others, not for the deceased. In your position, I'd give that a miss in favour of being with her in her last days.

It is exhausting being at someone side in hospital for weeks. You don't have to do this for your sister as she has people caring for her. It is ok for you to visit her for an hour but not take over her care.

I didn’t go to my dear friends funeral (I had a dreadful tummy bug) and it still eats at me 20 years later. However I know he would have understood and forgiven me. It’s more that I missed a way of honouring him.

I think you really must try and see your sister now. Could someone share the driving with you so you can do it in a day even? or someone care for your husband? Or could you look into the option of flying? You will never get the chance back, and it’s really painful living with that. What does your husband say? He must want you to go.

and yes, out of the two, visiting her now should take priority over the funeral. You can find other ways to remember her.

Ps. Huge sympathies and no judgement from me. You must feel absolutely torn.

I also think you will regret not seeing her since you said you are really close xx sending hugs for whatever you decide

I don't understand why you wouldn't go..
It seems heartless, frankly.

I've been with my brother until Tuesday morning. It's hard and it really, really hurts.

Our sister and her husband came, even though she will be doing the same for him in just a few weeks. And her daughter is very, very seriously ill.

Please, please go to see her now.

I don't understand why you wouldn't go..
It seems heartless, frankly.

Not as heartless as your post.

I'm sorry about your mum. That must have been really hard.

But from what you have said your sister is not dying today, or even this week. She is still living and you should go and spend time with her. (Did I word that badly? I didn't mean to)

I expect it does seem heartless. But you don't know me.

Exactly soupdragon

My brother died in an accident, so it was very sudden, but I would give anything to have had the chance to say good bye to him. Do go, it will be hard, but if you don't you will regret it.

I would suggest you try to go, is flying or the train an option? In your circumstances going to see her ASAP while she's alive far more important than the funeral.

Your question to a bunch of people who don’t know you was AIBU. The majority says yes, YABU not to bring some comfort at your own expense to your dying sister.

It doesn’t seem heartless op, please don’t think like that. It will be a difficult enough time for you.

only you can decide op.
really

I think you have to go. I would imagine that you will totally regret it. You will never see her again. I know it must be very hard but can you live with that? If you don't think you can, then go. If you are ok with that, don't go.