Not to visit my dying sister or go to her funeral?

[Cruelstepmother]

She has cancer, will prob live a couple more weeks/months, lives about 6 hours drive away. She's surrounded by other family members, I don't want to watch her dying and my DH has heart failure, is very frail and needs my help. She hasn't asked to see me, but we're very close and love each other more than our other sisters.

Also have a little ponder on whether you would want to see your close sister if you were in her position.

OP all the best to you and your family whatever happens.

Please know that MNHQ are very supportive about situations like this and you can request that they delete this thread any time you wish.

Whatever you do don't give yourself a hard time at a harder time ingesting random unsupportive judgements of strangers.

You could maybe call Cruse if you want to talk things through a bit?

www.cruse.org.uk/get-help/helpline

The Cruse Bereavement Care Freephone National Helpline is staffed by trained bereavement volunteers, who offer emotional support to anyone affected by bereavement. Our volunteers are here to help you talk things through. They can also help you find your local Cruse service, or signpost you to other services and useful sources of information.The helpline is open Monday-Friday 9.30-5pm (excluding bank holidays), with extended hours on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday evenings, when we’re open until 8pm. The number is 0808 808 1677 or for Scotland 0845 600 2227.

Nobody walks in your shoes but you. We all do what we can in life and that really is all we can do. You are stretched razor thin right now, be kind to yourself.

Whatever you do don't give yourself a hard time at a harder time ingesting random unsupportive judgements of strangers.

Exactly.

I'm amazed at how dogmatic so many posters have been. No one on this threads knows you or your family, it's ridiculous that strangers can be so certain what's best for you.

Pointing out different options or things for the OP to think about is one thing but TELLING her she MUST do this or that is really unkind.

You don’t want to go do you?

By the way you can speak to your sister in hospital. If she is very poorly they will take s phone to her.

My Mum doesn’t go to anybody who is at the point of death or go to funerals unless they are absolutely immediate family. In practice this means she has only done it for her parents (within my memory) because my Dad and all descendants are alive.

I don’t know why she does that, she hasn’t discussed it and won’t. She has had cancer twice, but I think it predates that so don’t think that’s the cause. She has occasionally made comments about seeing someone dying pushes out the happy memories and makes it harder to remember the good times.

Whatever the cause it works for her and everybody is different. Think carefully about it, but remember you are only responsible to yourself and not anyone else on here.

When I was with my dying DM, I didn't want to be anywhere else. It gives me great comfort that I was there over those last few days just talking to her her, singing to her, keeping her comfortable.She would have moments of alertness and I told her who was there and who had been and she was so comforted knowing that. I was out of the room when she died but she was with my DF and her DB.
For a while I could only see her in that bed bit that lifts and now I remember her in all her vibrant glory.

That is a beautiful recollection of your DM, greenpop and I concur with you that once the memory of those final days of illness fade, what you're left with is the warmth of that person in their prime. I am the same with my DBro, I can see him in my mind's eye racing around on his motorbike, and waterskiing. I feel reconciled by the thought that he knew I was there right to the end.

I hope the OP makes the right choice for them, no judgement here it's a very very personal choice.

From my own experience, I did not do this with my father. I was on the train up there on the day he died and I regret so much I didn’t go sooner. My mother did t want me to go and I can’t forgive her for that. You will never get another chance so I would go.

Update: My sister is being sent home in a few days with carers coming in and lots of family taking turns to visit her. I've arranged to go up next week but will just stay 3 nights so I won't be away from my DH too long. He won't actually be alone but will only have my stepson with him (who stays in his room, hears nothing and sleeps most of the time due to depression and frankly is f*ing useless as a carer when he is awake). But we will ring each other every day and DH has promised to take things easy (hmm...) Anyway, thank you all for your input.

cruelstepmother . Thankyou for updating. I'm pleased you are going to be able to spend sometime with your sister. Take care of yourself.

I don't think it's heartless. You can write her letters....you could speak on the phone if she's able.x I really understand what you're feeling OP...it's an awful thing.

It's hard as watching somebody dying makes us face our own mortality. But as the people who are going on living I believe it's our duty to put aside our own feelings and concentrate on the person going the trauma that losing everything they love. You have potentially many years to grieve. She does not.

We went up about 6 weeks ago so it's not like she hasn't seen me for years,

I wished you'd said this in your opening post because it puts a completely different spin in things. From what you posted originally it sounded like you hadn't seen her for a very long time. I think other posters might have been less harsh had they known you had seen her relatively recently.

I'm glad you will be able to see her again soon and I have my fingers crossed our DH will be fine while you're away.

I'm glad you are going to see your sister OP. I think, even though you shouldn't, you would still have felt guilt if you had not gone to see her whilst you could. After that would it be possible for the two of you to FaceTime/Skype when you are back home?

Regarding your husband: good he won't be entirely alone. How old is your stepson? Is there anyone more emotionally mature and responsible who could come in for an hour or two daily whilst you are away? And I guess you will talk/FaceTime him whilst you are away to you can see each other that way until you are home.

Don't beat yourself up OP. You are in an incredibly hard place: still grieving for your mother, no doubt, and trying to hold onto all the mundane life issues which still need to be dealt with as well.

Treat yourself a little kindly if only for the reason you need the physical and mental strength to keep going for yourself as well as those you love and need you. You've a lot on your plate. Take care. 🌹

Thanks for updating. I'm glad you'll get to see your sister. But it'll be hard too I'm sure. You take care of yourself.

I think you'll be pleased you made that decision.

So pleased you’re going. 💐

Also glad you're going. Of course it will be difficult but you won't get an opportunity to do it over if you didn't go. It may be easier and healthier in the long run to face and deal with her death and funeral as they happen.

Final update: I went. It was a ferry trip from my island and a 225 mile drive. Halfway there my car started making horrendous rattling noises and the acceleration was sluggish. before I left I called the AA. Naturally, my membership had expired, so I had to join, upgrade to Relay, pay an 'additional mileage' charge because I hadn't upgraded before I started my journey, had to come back with a 7 hour journey with the car on a low-loader because I had no papers to scrap it, no time to waste waiting for it to be repaired locally and needed to just get home. The whole nightmare cost me over £500 - so thanks for your advice, everyone, because I STILL don't regret going to see my sister, who was thrilled to see me.

You must go. You’ll regret it if you don’t. Make sure partner is looked after and go say your goodbyes. I’m so sorry for you but you’ll utterly regret it if you don’t.

Oh gosh sorry late to party! So pleased. Well done you.

Sounds like an awful journey but I'm glad you've seen her and it sounds like she was glad to see you too.

I'm so glad you went. I wanted to post on here, but realised that my own (wonderful) experience of being at the bedside of a dying loved one wouldn't necessarily be yours, so I held back. But I'm so glad to hear that you went and she was happy. What a journey though! Poor you!

Unless she or other relatives have explicitly asked you not to visit her, you should visit her. You might regret it if you don't, and it might be a comfort to her. I think that if you visit her in life, you are not obliged to go to her funeral; though if it is very important to her other family that you do so, you might try to go for their sake.