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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to visit my dying sister or go to her funeral?

264 replies

Cruelstepmother · 24/04/2019 17:59

She has cancer, will prob live a couple more weeks/months, lives about 6 hours drive away. She's surrounded by other family members, I don't want to watch her dying and my DH has heart failure, is very frail and needs my help. She hasn't asked to see me, but we're very close and love each other more than our other sisters.

OP posts:
Drogosnextwife · 24/04/2019 19:51

When my grandparents were dying, two of my cousin's decided they wouldn't go and see her because they would be too upset. This angered me so much because all I could think was my poor gran, that we were all so close to, wasn't getting the chance to see them one last time.

How do you think your Dsis will feel if you don't.

TheBouquets · 24/04/2019 19:51

Your dear sister is dying and you are on here saying YOU dont want to go visit her and YOU dont want to go to her funeral. I am sure your poor dear sister does not want to be dying or to be having a funeral fairly soon. I dont speak to my sister due to her constantly demanding from me and the parents but if she was dying I would be there as fast as lightning. She would not do that for me personally but just might show up to see what she could get her hands on.
This is NOT about YOU. Stop being selfish. Do something for her. This is the sister you claim to love. I wonder how you would treat a sister you dont get on with.
Watching a loved one dying is terribly sad and distressing. You should be there for her. I have sat with a number of family members and I am glad I did. Time to grow up!

HotSpotSpot · 24/04/2019 19:53

OP
I'm sorry to hear about your sister and that your husband is ill too. 💐

I really loved my SIL who was ill for a long while before she died. I loved her like a sister and she loved me. We all knew she was going to die within a few months and I didn't visit her. It was a long, long way away and it would have been really difficult to arrange (kids, business, husband travelling etc). We phoned almost daily and I know I was there for her when she needed me. I wasn't there physically but I was there emotionally.

I don't regret not going to see her in person and I don't feel any guilt. I really don't. She had lots of people around her.

OP, It's ok to do what's right for you. No one here knows you or your sister.

Everydaypeople · 24/04/2019 19:53

tiny your comment is ridiculous.
Do you really think on your dying moments you will be spending it thinking about being hurt about who came to visit you. I certainly hope you won’t

Happyandglorious · 24/04/2019 19:54

I am so sorry. If you did go it may well be a difficult trip and be terribly sad but it may also be healing and uplifting for you. I think the regret you will have after if you do not go will be much worse.

Coconutsandcobbles · 24/04/2019 19:54

It can be very, very different to the time you spent with your mum if you want it to be. You could just spend an hour or two there, maybe bring some music you know she likes/ that you have shared memories of. Tell her how much you love her. Maybe paint her nails if that's something she would like. Squeeze her hand. Tell her you are so lucky she has been in your life and that you think she's utterly brilliant. Have a set plan then leave. You've got this.

TheTrollFairy · 24/04/2019 19:55

I can absolutely understand why you don’t ‘want’ to go OP, this is a desperately sad situation without the added fact of your DH illness on top but you only get one shot at this. There isn’t any do overs, you can’t go back in time and you can’t say goodbye when it’s too late. By all means skip the funeral if you want (they are more for the living and tying off lose ends) but I think you would desperately regret not spending some more time with your sister.

Haffdonga · 24/04/2019 19:59

Do you think your sister would like to see you?

I think you need to base your decision on what she would want.

MyOtherProfile · 24/04/2019 20:01

OP you're in such a difficult situation. Do you feel like you have already said goodbye to her?

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/04/2019 20:01

I also think you should go. Both for your sister and you for closure. She is your sibling and you are very close. How you feel and what you want now will change over time. And then it will be too late to change the choices you make now. Burying your head in the sand will change nothing.

Notverygrownup · 24/04/2019 20:02

Oh goodness. What an awful situation for you. Don't feel guilty if you can't go. Your dh needs you to be there for him, and your sister has other family to care for her.

I do agree that if you are able to make the trip to see her, it may not may give you some peace of mind afterwards, but you do need to think about how you will get back safely. It's too far to drive safely - you will find leaving her so hard. And the train would be very public. Any chance that a friend can take you, or that you could get a cheap flight??

If you can't go can you still talk to her on the phone and tell her how much you love her and that you are there with her in spirit/in thoughts. If you cant be there with her, you might also send her a cuddly toy to hold onto - I know that it gave my mum a lot of comfort in her final months. I tied a big luggage label around its neck with a message from me, so that when I wasn't there, she could hold onto it.

Thinking of you at this very difficult time. Life can be very cruel

thelastgoldeneagle · 24/04/2019 20:03

If you love her go and see her now, while you can. Get a friend to sit with your husband.

I’m so sorry. Flowers

PillowTalker · 24/04/2019 20:04

don't want to watch her dying

Such a selfish attitude, not sure if you've noticed but this isnt about you. You should go so support and comfort her in what are likely to be some of the hardest days of her life.

I lost my brother very suddenly to a heart attack at 43 last summer ago and would give anything and travel any distance to have one last moment with him.

TheHumanSatsuma · 24/04/2019 20:06

If it were me,I know I would regret not seeing her one more time- but having said that, only you. can decide.

I do sympathise, I was a minimum of 4 hours away from my parents and drove at least once a week when they were nearing the end. At times, after work, I resorted to driving the last few mikes with windows
wide open. and even poured my bottle of water over my head to kerp awake (journey nudging 6 hours at that point)

Could you phone or face time? Often, I would get there and was not even sure they knew I was there. I can’t offer advice, but hope you manage to find a way. The McMillan nurse told us that the last time you see someone, us just that. Don’t beat yourself up because it was a week or more before they died.

TheHumanSatsuma · 24/04/2019 20:07

ignore typos, fat finger syndrome!

Islaofsilly · 24/04/2019 20:09

I would go OP. A family member died recently of cancer and those end days at the hospice, and the funeral, were, objectively speaking, a really important time for those who were closest to her and helped them come to terms with their grief. I honestly think you will deeply regret it if you don’t go - and I am usually always the one saying ‘don’t go if you don’t want to’. Flowers

whyohwhyowhydididoit · 24/04/2019 20:13

pillowtalker

Show some compassion for a woman who has recently lost her mum, is taking care of her ill husband and whose much loved sister is dying. Sometimes we all need to put ourselves first.

cheeseandpineapple · 24/04/2019 20:14

What a heartbreaking dilemma. There’s no right or wrong here. So sorry you’re going through this Flowers

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 24/04/2019 20:14

I have had two friends die very young. Due to the nature of their deaths I wasn’t able to visit either before they died.

For both of them the funerals were very difficult for me to attend.

One I made it to and one I didn’t.

The one I made it to I have peace about. I have no guilt and I had a time when I was able to grieve.

The other I still struggle with. I feel guilty about my reasons for not going and 5 years on they seem less good. And I never had a time and a place when I was supposed to grieve so I don’t think I have properly.

For your sake - I really think you should go.

Honeyroar · 24/04/2019 20:17

You poor thing, you've had so much to deal with, and it's not long since you lost your mum. This is for her. However hard it is for you. Go and give her a last hug, tell her you love her. You'll kick yourself forever if you don't.

Think about the funeral later. I think visiting her now is more important.

SpeakUpXXWomen · 24/04/2019 20:18

Poor love. This isn't a decision that you get to change later on so I would just go.

Agree with pp that you should pack up DH and take him with you if possible, plan for a couple of days but take some extras in case you want to stay longer. Options open.

If you really can't take DH then arrange care and do a straight there and back visit (get a friend to drive you if possible), do it now and don't hang about. That gives you room to decide if you want to go back and see her again next week, or next month or not.

There really isn't a right or wrong answer so YANBU. If you've come on here to ask it's because you're swithering. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks but you're asking because you don't know so just go whilst it's still your decision to make. See what's what when you get there. No regrets, no delays, no ifs/buts/maybes.

LuvSmallDogs · 24/04/2019 20:24

I think I understand OP. I saw my gran on the day she died, and it was really scary to see someone who had once been so bloody stubborn and mouthy and full of quirks reduced to a shaking moaning person on a bed. I was scared to touch her and didn’t know what to do with myself.

And of course, if she’s far away it would be very worrying for you to leave your frail DH with someone else caring for him, no doubt you’re worried about something happening to him when you can’t get home quickly, I would worry too.

No judgement, but sadly no advice either I’m afraid.

Truly sorry things are so hard right now.Flowers

PinkysEars · 24/04/2019 20:26

Pillowtalker I think maybe your grief at your own loss has made you see the OP's situation through your own prism.

Your experience is not hers. What you feel (and regret) isn't what what the OP should or must feel.

I think you've been unnecessarily unkind.

Celledora · 24/04/2019 20:26

I'm sorry to hear about your husband, would he be in safe hands if you went for a few days? Do you think it would bring her happiness/comfort to see you?

I lost my sister unexpectedly 2 years ago and it will never stop hurting that I didn't see her face or give her one last hug. I realise this is different if you KNOW it will be the last time but you will not get another chance.

CynthiaRothrock · 24/04/2019 20:28

I lost.my sister last year to cancer.15 days after she was diagnosed i held her hand for 13 hrs until she slipped away. We talked and chatted the whole day and i still didnt get to say everything i wanted to her. If you are close please find away to go. It is not nice seeing someone in that state but you really will regret it if you dont.