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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to visit my dying sister or go to her funeral?

264 replies

Cruelstepmother · 24/04/2019 17:59

She has cancer, will prob live a couple more weeks/months, lives about 6 hours drive away. She's surrounded by other family members, I don't want to watch her dying and my DH has heart failure, is very frail and needs my help. She hasn't asked to see me, but we're very close and love each other more than our other sisters.

OP posts:
Schuyler · 24/04/2019 19:15

You’re neither reasonable nor unreasonable because we cannot - and should not - judge. Only you can decide and do what feels right for you. You have so much going on, my heart goes out to you. Flowers

3timeslucky · 24/04/2019 19:15

I would say "Go see her", not to watch her die, but to be with her one last time while she is living. To me that is much more important than whether you do or don't go to her funeral. You sound like you love her so much - it just seems like it would be important to you both to see each other again.

Not an easy situation for you to be in with your dh's condition also. I feel for you and hope you can make it work.

miaCara · 24/04/2019 19:15

My cousin died recently and although we were never close at all we had made more frequent contact in the months before her untimely death.
I did go to see her in her last few days as I felt she needed more family around her . I contributed to the round-the-bed chat with other visitors so she could hear 'normal' life.She wasnt properly awake any of the time while I was there but she indicated that she knew I was present and was very happy with this.
When I think of that visit Im proud that I decided to go and give her comfort when it was most needed.

Tinkobell · 24/04/2019 19:16

I absolutely think you must go OP. My FIL died in Dec of glioblastoma. My DH visited him every week - a long trip with many overnights. It was incredibly hard seeing him but has given my DH a lasting comfort to know that they were together many times in those last months. Take some pictures on your iPad to show her....add variety to her hard day.
I didn't go and see my FIL (I was worried that I'd cry, I'm a baby) and I do sincerely regret that. He was a good man, I should have gone.
This time will pass too soon, have no regrets if you can avoid them. Tell her you love her and she's been a great sister.

KittyInTheCradle · 24/04/2019 19:16

This sounds really hard.

My only advice is that not seeing your sister won't make what's happening to her any less real. And when she has passed away, you may feel very confused and unresolved if you haven't seen her unwell or been to the funeral.

Visiting loved ones, seeing them in their final hours and attending wakes and funerals have helped me personally to psychologically contextualise what has happened to them. But then everyone deals very differently with these things.

If I were you, I would think through what you think you would feel by going, then what you think you would feel by not going. If it turns out a part of you believes not seeing it will prevent it hurting you, then I'd perhaps reconsider.

But in the end, whatever you can do to cope is what you must do.

longestlurkerever · 24/04/2019 19:17

My dh’s Dbro didn’t visit him because he found it too upsetting. I know my df was deeply hurt, and it’s hard to think of, tbh.

longestlurkerever · 24/04/2019 19:18

Though I am very sorry for your sister’s illness and understand how difficult it is.

Eviecee · 24/04/2019 19:19

Go and see her, if its at all possible. For her. Im sure she wants to see you.

DoneLikeAKipper · 24/04/2019 19:24

You have to try and think beyond your current hurt and think would you regret not seeing her one last time. I think I know what you’re doing, you’re trying to preempt the grief of never seeing her again when the inevitable happens by just not seeing her again. That won’t make it less awful when you get that phone call though, I’m afraid - it won’t lessen the pain by putting off that final goodbye in person.

From a previous post you say you have a stepson. I understand he has his own difficult issues, but could he not take care of his father for a couple of days? Is there no one near you that could check in on them if needs be? It sounds like you’re struggling a lot here, you will need support during and after this regardless - you can’t keep trying to look after everyone without eventually breaking yourself, and sadly it already sounds/reads like your already feeling extremely down and negative. I can’t blame you, facing the death of a much loved one is extremely difficult, I hope you can be kind to yourself in this terrible time.

TinyTickler · 24/04/2019 19:25

I cannot imagine how hurt I would be by my sister not coming to say goodbye. You must go, you know that..

ohfourfoxache · 24/04/2019 19:26

Oh sweetheart Sad

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, but you must go. You absolutely must. It will break your heart many times over in the future if you don’t.

Be strong, be brave. You can do this x

DistanceCall · 24/04/2019 19:28

I'm so very sorry, OP.

I think you should go, though. You don't have to stay over, or stay for the funeral. But I think you should go to see your sister, and comfort her. Show her your love. You'll regret it if you don't.

Pk37 · 24/04/2019 19:29

It’s not about you , it’s about your sister .
She probably hasn’t asked because she doesn’t think she has to.
Harsh I know but you will regret it if you don’t

GabsAlot · 24/04/2019 19:30

i hated seeing my dm slipping away and she didnt really acknowledge me by the end but like others say will u regret it

understand its a hard decision

fblake · 24/04/2019 19:32

Sorry for everything you're going through. I think you'd regret it if you didn't see her ☹️ I think the funeral can be missed though if your husband needs you there x

DonPablo · 24/04/2019 19:34

Having just been through this with my mum, I know exactly what you mean about not being able to face it again.

But nobody chooses to have cancer and she is where she is with it. I bet she doesn't want to face it either. I'd be there with my sister no matter how much I felt I couldn't face it, because I'd be there for her.

If. You do go, what would your dh need while you were gone?

agteacht · 24/04/2019 19:35

Sorry you are going through this.

My heart broke into pieces when I lost my Dad and I haven't been able to piece it even close to back together. I can't imagine not having seen him before he died. I wouldn't ever have forgiven myself. It's such a subjective thing but I can't help but feel you must go. It will be many years you'll carry the knowledge that you didn't see her. Good luck with your decision.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 24/04/2019 19:36

You must be horribly torn. How frail is your husband? Is he dangerously ill or is it more that he depends on you but could manage if you arrange care?
I think in your situation I'd try to arrange care and go, but that's easy to say because my husband isn't frail and my sisters are hellish. Can you skype/facetime her? Not instead of seeing her, but more to help you make your mind up. I think that seeing her face will make it clearer and you will probably feel that you need to go. But I understand the fear of leaving your husband and maybe being away when he dies.
Is there anyone who could travel with you? If a relative I loved was about to die I don't know if I'd be in a fit state to drive, t be honest. But I do know that when my husband's beloved uncle died recently, it was great comfort to my husband that he had done everything possible to make his last days comfortable, and that they had spent time quietly together..

2018SoFarSoGreat · 24/04/2019 19:36

Cruel what a horrible place to be in. Flowers and a hug, if you would like one.

I am still reeling from not being with my DM when she passed, and making the decision not to see her in the funeral home. I question my decision daily, but I can't go back in time. That's my dilemma though.

I hope whatever you decide you can do is right for you. I wish you peace with that.

As to the Heartless comment, that was indeed heartless, to comment. Not what was called for here, at all.

marvellousnightforamooncup · 24/04/2019 19:39

I lost DM to cancer last summer. Seeing her as often as possible during her illness (600 mile round trip) has helped me deal with the grief. I know your DH needs you but try to make it at least once.

Shrewbie · 24/04/2019 19:41

Don't let her last days be sad as she's not seen you, that's not nice. Go and see her Xxx

Surfingtheweb · 24/04/2019 19:41

Why would you even think that's ok? You know when she's gone she's gone? Of course you should go & see her.

Missingstreetlife · 24/04/2019 19:44

I think to go for a long time would be too much and is not neccessary.
If you can go just for a day or two I think it would be good. So sorry.

Babooshkar · 24/04/2019 19:47

Better to regret going than not.

Many people do not get the chance to say goodbye to their loved ones, you do have that chance, so don’t think twice, get going and say your goodbyes.

You don’t need to stay and watch her die, but you can pay your respects and give her a last chance to see you. This isn’t just about you, it’s for her too.

So sorry for your previous loss too - grief is truly horrendous.

Hope you find the strength to go x

SparrowBo · 24/04/2019 19:48

Your sister needs love and support. You need to go and give her this.