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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to visit my dying sister or go to her funeral?

264 replies

Cruelstepmother · 24/04/2019 17:59

She has cancer, will prob live a couple more weeks/months, lives about 6 hours drive away. She's surrounded by other family members, I don't want to watch her dying and my DH has heart failure, is very frail and needs my help. She hasn't asked to see me, but we're very close and love each other more than our other sisters.

OP posts:

Teddybear45 · 24/04/2019 18:27

The funeral isn’t essential. Meeting her one last time is. You will forever regret not going.

Dippypippy1980 · 24/04/2019 18:28

You need to see her. You probably also need grief counselling to get you through this.

See what arrangements you can make to ensure your husband is taken care of (is he in hospital or hospice, do you have family or friends who could sit with home). But please go and see your sister. SHe shouldn’t have to ask - she might not for a second think you would stay away.

tootiredtospeak · 24/04/2019 18:29

I thought you were going to say you didnt get on. If your close then go you will never get another chance your DH will understand.

greenpop21 · 24/04/2019 18:29

Make it into a mini break and take dh with you .

Disfordarkchocolate · 24/04/2019 18:30

I understand your concerns about your husband but I think you should visit your sister. You don't want to be left with regrets, they haunt you. Take care.

Annasgirl · 24/04/2019 18:30

My dear aunt hated death and never went near anyone who was dying. The my darling mum, her beloved youngest sister, got ill suddenly and we had only days with her. Dear Aunt arrived straight away and spent three days with us. She was on her way to visit again when my dear mum passed away but both were so happy to be together for those important days. Please go and see her. Can you get respite care for your DH?

Alsohuman · 24/04/2019 18:31

Nothing would stop me.

juneau · 24/04/2019 18:31

I think I would go and see her if I possibly could - just to say goodbye and to hug her and tell her I loved her and how much she had always meant to me.

Could you DH go into a care home for a few days to allow you to go? It would be worth talking to his GP about respite care. I'm sure if it can arranged, it will be, so you can do this important thing.

If it's absolutely not possible and there is absolutely no one and nowhere that your DH could go, I'd write her a letter or arrange a video call so you can say the things you want to say, but I would really try to visit, far though it is. Could you fly? If so, that six hour drive could easily be a one-hour flight.

myrtleWilson · 24/04/2019 18:31

OP watching someone die is awful and yet I do understand how some people describe it as an honour. When my sister died (cancer) she held on for so long... I don't know how old you are OP but mine was young and although the disease had ravaged her in lots of ways other parts of her body (heart etc) just kept going beyond expectation of nursing staff. Once we knew she wasn't in distress and wasn't in pain anymore the waiting became different, less stressful and more peaceful. Still upsetting but less raw.
I appreciate your situation is made harder with your DH but I'd urge you to go, not for the reason of seeing her die, but for the reason of reinforcing your love for each other, to say thank you. I wish you peace

BettysLeftTentacle · 24/04/2019 18:33

I feel strongly that you can’t tell another how they should act in their own grief but in your case, considering you’re close, you need to give yourself a chance to say goodbye. I fear that if you don’t, you’ll be in for a really shit time mentally after she’s gone. Especially considering how unwell your DH is.

for you

brizzlemint · 24/04/2019 18:33

I would go and see her now and then miss the funeral if it's too awkward with finding respite care for your DH.

jellycatspyjamas · 24/04/2019 18:34

It sounds like you’re between a rock and a hard place with your sister and your husband - I can’t imagine how hard it is, I’m guessing it feels like you’re choosing between two very poorly, much loved ones. I don’t think there’s a right answer here tbh, you can only do what feels manageable at the time. I’m not sure I could be with my dear sister knowing she was going to die soon while also knowing how frail my husband was - I think the grief and fear would be all encompassing.

Be very gentle with yourself, and try to do what feels most manageable for you.

viques · 24/04/2019 18:37

I am so sorry to hear this. I would go, and go as soon as possible.

If you have not seen her for a while then waiting a few weeks longer to see her may be a terrible shock, and she might have deteriorated both physically and mentally. She will know about your other caring needs and will understand why you are not visiting more often.

Perhaps you can set up a Skype link to check up on her and say hi on days she is feeling up to it. Don't forget too the power of the written word, writing letters, sharing memories of your childhood will be something she can read and re read when she feels strong enough, and writing them will also help you to remember and come to terms with what is happening.

When you visits take photos of your childhood with you, you have shared memories together, she might prefer to talk about these than discuss her current situation, if you are ill and have lots of visitors saying the same things over and over again becomes very tiring!

I know from experience how hard it is to lose a sibling, take care of yourself as well as your family.

Everydaypeople · 24/04/2019 18:37

Make it a mini break [shocked] , sometimes I wonder what I read on here.
I would try to visit before she dies but you don’t need stay for her dying , having a death vigil round someone’s bed is awful .she knows you love her.
If I couldn’t make it to the funeral due to my seriously unwell dh then I would be sad obviously but there’s only so much you can do.
I don’t think people should say to the op it would be extremely hurtful to the op sister if she didn’t go etc, I’m sure she will be feeling bad enough.

tolerable · 24/04/2019 18:39

are you in contact with her(phone,letter?)has she asked for you to go?would you want\expect her to come if otherway around. I might be way of mark,but..thats no new...i dont know its possible from your post to decide if you'll regret it or not. ..if its going to be too emotionally traumatising,it might be better to not go.if youre closer than the other families,can you speak with her?

Original poster

Cruelstepmother · 24/04/2019 18:40

Last year I stayed at our mother's side in hospital until she died (about 3 weeks). I just don't think I can go through that again. I might go. Thank you all.

OP posts:

TwigTheWonderKid · 24/04/2019 18:42

I am so sorry that you are facing all of this.

I don't think it matters much if you choose not to go to your sister's funeral (and it certainly won't matter to your sister) but I really think you must go and give her one last hug. You don't need to watch her dying but you can offer her some comfort whilst she is still living.

Floralnomad · 24/04/2019 18:43

everydaypeople , when I said make it a mini break I was thinking of the OPs husband ie have a few days away , stay in a nice hotel , visit her sister but not flog the husband into the ground by trying to do it all in a day . It was fairly obvious that I didn’t mean make it a jolly holiday .

Lalliella · 24/04/2019 18:43

Adding to the voices saying go and see her OP. I did a 6 hour round trip to see DA who was dying. She hasn’t been told she was dying, the rest of the family told her I just happened to be in the area and had popped in. It was really difficult but I was so glad I went.

I think it’s reasonable to miss the funeral though, there isn’t such a strong reason to be there.

Dexterslockedintheshedagain · 24/04/2019 18:44

Only you can make that decision, but FWIW I would go.
My sister had been in hospital for a few weeks a few years ago, and I was going to go and see her (I live 3hrs drive away). But she rallied, and became much better so I said I’d go the weekend after I was originally going.
Two days later she died. Not a day goes by that I don’t regret that decision. And it hurts so much not having seen her in her final days.
💐 for you OP.

ReanimatedSGB · 24/04/2019 18:45

I think you would regret it if you didn't. Is there a good friend who could go with you if your H is too ill to make the journey? Or, as PP have said, if it really isn't possible to travel, try to set up a Skype call or similar.

My oldest friend died at the end of last year; he lived in another country and i couldn't afford to go and see him. His wife and I were planning to sort out a phone call if not a video call but in fact he was too ill for either by the time he came out of hospital.

Takethebuscuitandthesink · 24/04/2019 18:47

Oh op this is awful please feel free to pm me and I would be happy to talk to you one on one. I really think you should go as I feel you will probably regret it if you don’t. I fully understand the situation you are in and although nothing can make the pain go away remember looking after yourself is key and

NoCauseRebel · 24/04/2019 18:47

How ill is your DH? Heart failure isn’t generally the terrifying thing that it sounds when said, so obviously only you know how bad things are.

You say he’s frail but is he e.g.bed-bound? Unable to care for himself at all? Or does he benefit from your help iyswim.

I am in heart failure but that doesn’t mean I’m dying (at least I’ve been told it doesn’t) but it means my heart is functioning below normal and that for me means a loss of stamina, some mobility etc but I can still care for myself iyswim.

Only you know how ill your dh is, and he presumably also does, but if your sister is dying imminently and you are close you will likely regret not going to see her at least.

Funerals are generally for the living and that is a separate decision, but while she’s still here and you have the opportunity you need to see how you can make this happen for yourself as much as anything. .

whyohwhyowhydididoit · 24/04/2019 18:48

Even if you don’t stay long I think you might regret it if you don’t go at all. Go for half an hour and see how it feels. I wouldn’t even think about the funeral for now. Plenty of time to decide about that later. .

SunshineCake · 24/04/2019 18:48

I'm so sorry. With what you've said about your mum I Remember you if you are the same poster. Iirc you were glad you stayed with your mum even though it was exhausting. No one is saying you have to sit with your sister for weeks but that you may regret it if you don't see her again. Take care.

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