To think that this is a dreadful way to treat my son

[ThespianTendencies]

I am currently in rehearsals so my schedule is quite hectic as the show goes up this week. I left my son (12) with my niece (36) for the evening and was due to collect hm at 1030pm latest. When I arrived - 10:15pm he was sitting alone downstairs in lamplight while my niece and her two sons had all gone up to bed. I think this is an appalling way to treat my son almost as if she was demonstrating how much they did not want him there. He was fine(ish) but I was disgusted. I regularly look after her two boys and never would I leave one of them downstairs while my children and me went up to bed! I texted her to say that it was not very nice and her response was "He's 12, what did you want me to do, sing him a lullabye.' I am really disgusted and angered by it and don't know what to do.

I think you’re overreacting.

It’s a tricky one! I agree that wasn’t very nice, but then she was doing you a favour. It sounds like you often help her out as well though.

Some people just have really different ideas about what’s decent behaviour. I wouldn’t rely on her for childcare again (but also feel free to be unavailable next time she needs a favour from you!)

*DoneLikeAKipper - can you tell me why? I need some perspective.

I think that's an incredibly rude thing to do.

She was rude the way she responded but she can't force a 12 year old to go to bed. I think you need to explain to your 12 year old that he should have gone to bed - not in a telling him off way but just a fact.

I don't think your son was treated disgustingly. Your niece should of stayed up until you picked him up if she knew he was being picked up by 10.30. The boys going to bed is fine. Don't think it's worth falling out over, she knows you weren't happy so leave it as that.

brizzlemint he wasn't staying over! He was being collected at 10.30 but the others in the house left him downstairs and went to bed.

I would be upset too. Like previous poster said I wouldn’t be so available myself next time.

Depends how it happened, was it a case of "do you mind if we go to bed" and your DS was fine with it or was it "we are going to bed you are to sit here in silence with no lights or TV or anything? If the first you are over reacting if the second then I'd be pissed off too

It's not great, but he's 12, not 2, so is unlikely to have got himself into any kind of scrapes.

It's difficult when you're asking someone for free childcare to then complain about how the childcare is provided. Perhaps find an alternative for when you're in rehearsals; it's much easier to have high expectations when you're paying for childcare.

Brizzlemint You;ve got the wrong end of the stick. My son was coming home with me, he was not meant to go to bed there, he was waiting to be collected! So he was not doing anything wrong, just being looked after until I came back.

Some people like to go to bed early. (My dp goes at 8.00). She was doing you a favour by having DS but no reason why she shouldn't go to bed as usual. He's 12, he didn't mind, he was old enough to leave downstairs on his own. That's why you're overreacting, OP

Why was she in bed at 10.15pm?

Don’t think I have ever gone to bed at 10.15pm since I was about 12.

I would have replied that she didn’t need to sing him a lullaby but waiting up with him and watching tv was a common curtesy.

She should have said ‘I’m up early so need to go to bed before you’re back, is that ok?’ or stayed up with him.

He's 12 can't you just leave him in his own house?

I wouldn't be upset by this at all! Your niece was tired, your son was absolutely fine, presumably he was reading a book or watching telly or something?

FudgeBrownie We live in the same road, we regularly help each other out. I had her youngest (9) for three days over the holidays,. 2 of them were sleepovers, I have taken her eldest (15) on holiday with me so it is not something I expect to pay for with family members. We help each other out, have done for years, but she's done this before and I have written it off as being a one off. I don't find it acceptable to leave him sitting there especially since I was earlier than I had said and always treat my great nephews with care. love and respect.

Ah, I see. YANBU.

My 12 year old stays home by himself. Unless he has SEN I cant see any problem with the others going to bed. YABU.

What time does she usually go to bed? Are her kids much younger?

I think if she usually goes to bed at 9 she should have made you aware of this and that he would be left sitting up waiting for you? But again, he's not 2, he's 12. I think disgusted and appalled is a bit OTT.

OliversMummy she was watching TV in her bed! That made matters worse for me. She was awake cos when I texted her she immediately replied!

I think it's awful, even at my
Most tired I can stay up until 10.30 if I have a responsibility to do so. At the very least she could have left him with TV and snacks and text you saying 'he's alone for 15 minutes watching a film I've had to settle my children' her response is crap too

It's not dangerous, it's just downright rude!

Aww I think it's a really mean thing for her to do.

Fair enough her children being tired and going to bed, but she should of stayed up and waited with him downstairs for you.

I would be upset too!

It's not ideal but not necessarily too awful IMO, depends on whether DS minded and whether there was a reason she needed to go to bed (eg really early start or not feeling well?). You do sound a bit dramatic though. 'In lamplight"? Do you mean there was a light on?