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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this is a dreadful way to treat my son

307 replies

ThespianTendencies · 23/04/2019 10:54

I am currently in rehearsals so my schedule is quite hectic as the show goes up this week. I left my son (12) with my niece (36) for the evening and was due to collect hm at 1030pm latest. When I arrived - 10:15pm he was sitting alone downstairs in lamplight while my niece and her two sons had all gone up to bed. I think this is an appalling way to treat my son almost as if she was demonstrating how much they did not want him there. He was fine(ish) but I was disgusted. I regularly look after her two boys and never would I leave one of them downstairs while my children and me went up to bed! I texted her to say that it was not very nice and her response was "He's 12, what did you want me to do, sing him a lullabye.' I am really disgusted and angered by it and don't know what to do.

OP posts:
RockinHippy · 23/04/2019 12:12

YADNBU & I don't understand those who say otherwise 😐

She was at best very rude. Hell if he was an adult it would still be incredibly bad form. It's a HUGE feck off you're not welcome here.

As above I'd let him stay at home next time & id massively cut back on the childcare favours too. She has a 15 yo, no need for you to be watching her younger DCs

Original poster
ThespianTendencies · 23/04/2019 12:13

undertheleash you left your child downstairs in their own home - big difference! However, I would not even leave my son and go to bed in our own house after me. I make sure he is safely upstairs before me. When he gets older that will change (have 22 year old dd so I am not some helicopter parent with a PFB.) But it is just a nice way to make a child feel secure and taken care of imo

OP posts:
mummyhaschangedhername · 23/04/2019 12:13

I'm with you OP. Although I guess it's difficult to know to a certain extent. I mean it could be her kids don't settle well and so she was upstairs in case they wake and your 12 year old was downstairs watching TV. I guess if you were home you may at times be asleep before your 12 year old and would spent time in different rooms.

However it sounds more like she just went off to bed and left him. I don't think that's right, it isn't his home, it's her home and it's rude to leave him. Not speaking to him all evening sounds horrible too. Does she have some sort for issue you using her for childcare and took it out on him? Either way you need to speak to him or stop using her. Hope your son is ok?

Original poster
ThespianTendencies · 23/04/2019 12:14

And for someone who asked earlier - yes acting is my job. But that should not be relevant - adults are allowed out to pursue hobbies.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 23/04/2019 12:15

It sounds to me like she was making some kind of a point, and I imagine your son might well have felt awkward and unwelcome and as though he was a nuisance.
Can you either get someone else to mind him, or change the arrangement so he stays home by himself but he can phone her (or perhaps someone less resentful) if there's an emergency?

MondayTuesdayWednesday · 23/04/2019 12:16

bubachak paying a 12 year old to babysit is ridiculous and not very good parenting.

I think it is your family that is odd not the op’s!

Babuchak · 23/04/2019 12:18

M4J4
i know it's not his home Hmm
and nothing wrong with sending him to his cousin for the evening at that age, but unless massive drip=feed, he should be pretty independent at that age.
"borderline abusive" good lord. If they really had a bad evening, just stop the visits, talk about over-reacting Grin

I wouldn't go to bed an d leave my 3 year old downstairs in our own house I thought the child was 12, not 3....

Babuchak · 23/04/2019 12:20

MondayTuesdayWednesday
huh? How old do you start paying kids to babysit then? Do you expect free service until they reach 16?

Much better to make them use to spend 1 hour here and there than having a full night alone! Don't be so ridiculous.

Babuchak · 23/04/2019 12:21

However, I would not even leave my son and go to bed in our own house after me. I make sure he is safely upstairs before me.

the poor kid will have a shock on his first sleepover Grin

Cbatothinkofaname · 23/04/2019 12:22

OP- You’re too uptight, starting a thread needing validation for being a twat. You need a fag or six .

Cbatothinkofaname · 23/04/2019 12:23

Oopsy wrong thread!

M4J4 · 23/04/2019 12:23

@Babuchak

and nothing wrong with sending him to his cousin for the evening at that age, but unless massive drip=feed, he should be pretty independent at that age.

No one has sending him to his cousin for the evening is wrong! Are you actually reading the thread? The issue is ignoring her nephew all evening and then taking herself and kids off to bed whilst leaving her nephew alone, that she agreed to babysit until 10.30pm.

"borderline abusive" good lord. If they really had a bad evening, just stop the visits, talk about over-reacting

Ignoring a child and treating them differently can be borderline abuse. I would not leave my child with such a person again.

GirlcalledJack · 23/04/2019 12:25

I think your DS was very rude, especially considering she was watching TV in bed. The perfect solution is to not look after her DC anymore, so yanbu.

I do think you are overreacting about your 12 yr old DS not going to bed after you, so yabu about that.

beanaseireann · 23/04/2019 12:25

Horrible. I would be disgusted with her behaviour. It's not as if you never reciprocate the favour.
I'm gobsmacked somebody would do that to a guest in their home. A 12 year old child !

HoppingPavlova · 23/04/2019 12:26

It’s all odd. He was not a guest but family. You live on the same street. In that situation I would think the ‘normal’ thing to do is say to kiddo that everyone is beat and needs to go to bed early, can’t wait up for you so they will be staying the night and Mum will be texted to advise and he can pop home in the morning. Then pop him into bed along with her own kids and she could jump into bed without feeling obliged to wait up. That’s a normal family scenario where you are not babysitting or being paid, just having a family member over.

Babuchak · 23/04/2019 12:28

The issue is ignoring her nephew all evening
that wasn't in the OP

and then taking herself and kids off to bed whilst leaving her nephew alone, that she agreed to babysit until 10.30pm
he's 12, it's not terribly good mannered but it's not a big deal either. It would be much more uncomfortable in a house where you feel watched and not left alone for 5 minutes because you somehow can't be trusted!

Just don't send him again and chill.

Mrsjayy · 23/04/2019 12:28

Well i think that is bloody rude she was meant to be looking after him and she went to bed wtf is that about fine with your own kids but somebody elses what a cheeky thing to do.

Lllot5 · 23/04/2019 12:30

I’m with you OP very odd behaviour. Her two can go to bed but I’d stay up with him. If she doesn’t want to look after him she should say so.

M4J4 · 23/04/2019 12:36

@Babuchak

The issue is ignoring her nephew all evening
that wasn't in the OP

So because it wasn't in the OP you're going to stick your fingers in your ears and shout 'lalalalala'? It's pertinent information. If you choose to wilfully ignore pertinent information, then there is no point engaging with you anymore.

and then taking herself and kids off to bed whilst leaving her nephew alone, that she agreed to babysit until 10.30pm

he's 12, it's not terribly good mannered but it's not a big deal either. It would be much more uncomfortable in a house where you feel watched and not left alone for 5 minutes because you somehow can't be trusted!

No, there is a middle ground, where you stay up until 10.30, don't ignore your cousin, and perhaps tidy up or have a drink. No one has said the niece needs to hold her cousin's hand!

Just don't send him again and chill.

I suspect OP will chill very well on her next family holiday where doesn't have to watch over her niece's children that she has generously taken on holiday with her.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 23/04/2019 12:36

They're family so I think that's different to friends babysitting. And she was watching a TV in her room so no different than if he was in the room he was in downstairs and she was watching TV in any other room. I think you're massively over reacting especially feeling the need to make sure your 12 year old is safely upstairs before going up yourself

Lweji · 23/04/2019 12:36

I wouldn't go to bed an d leave my 3 year old downstairs in our own house!

He's not 3, though.

I'm not sure. My DS at 12 would have been happier on his own watching Youtube on his phone.
Was he upset about being left alone? By not having his cousin make conversation?
Has she had him before? What happened?

OwnerOfThatChocolateBar · 23/04/2019 12:39

When I arrived - 10:15pm he was sitting alone downstairs in lamplight

Op did say she was 'in rehearsals'...actors do tend to be drama llamas

AutumnCrow · 23/04/2019 12:44

Yes but what was the 12 year old doing?

Staring at the lamplight in silence? On his phone? Watching tv?

Original poster
ThespianTendencies · 23/04/2019 12:45

3 was a typo. He's 12. I'm typing on my phone

OP posts:
lyralalala · 23/04/2019 12:49

I wouldn't have an issue with him watching tv downstairs and her upstairs.

However add in the not speaking and I wouldn’t ask your niece to babysit again. She obviously didn’t want your DS there and instead of saying to you she took it out on him.

Was there any issues between him and her kids through the evening? If definitely wasn’t a “you in your room, you in your room and you in the living room” set up as they’d been driving her mad bickering/being cheeky etc?