To think that this is a dreadful way to treat my son

[ThespianTendencies]

I am currently in rehearsals so my schedule is quite hectic as the show goes up this week. I left my son (12) with my niece (36) for the evening and was due to collect hm at 1030pm latest. When I arrived - 10:15pm he was sitting alone downstairs in lamplight while my niece and her two sons had all gone up to bed. I think this is an appalling way to treat my son almost as if she was demonstrating how much they did not want him there. He was fine(ish) but I was disgusted. I regularly look after her two boys and never would I leave one of them downstairs while my children and me went up to bed! I texted her to say that it was not very nice and her response was "He's 12, what did you want me to do, sing him a lullabye.' I am really disgusted and angered by it and don't know what to do.

It’s more about how the son felt. Poor kid.

I definitely would never leave my child with the niece again.

I don't get everybody banging on about him being 12 and what bearing that has on it.

I wouldn't leave ANY guest downstairs while the rest of the family buggered off to bed. Horrendously rude. As an adult I'd feel really uncomfortable and unwanted if this happened to me. Poor lad.

Honestly, some of Mumsnet have zero manners or empathy and must have been dragged up.

If this was about leaving a visitor downstairs on his own, I agree that is not okay. But I suspect she sees him as close family she sees all the time, not a visitor. So yes I would go upstairs and leave my mum downstairs. It is the same as going to bed and leaving your own 12 year old downstairs.
And plenty of things adults watch on tv that are not okay for 12 year olds. Especially at that time of night, nearly everything on is not ok.

YANBU. Your niece is very rude. I would never leave a guest downstairs by themselves waiting for a taxi talk less of my actual flesh and blood. Glad you've got alternative childcare arrangements now

In fact my mum would get upset if I treated her like a guest, she is family, that is different.

I wouldn't be upset by this at all but I can see why someone might be. I think it's just a different way of looking at things

Yanbu. Rude and mean

Yes agree this is a different way of looking at things. Op wants her son to be treated as a guest. Her sister is treating him like one of the family. Neither is wrong. But Op is being over dramatic.

Really this is all about the OP's hobby.

If OP wants to participate in a hobby late at night and the niece is the only available childcare, OP has to accept that childcare might not be done exactly as she would do it. As others have said, DS was perfectly safe.

If OP wants to avoid the situation she could put her thespian tendencies on hold until DS is old enough not to need to be looked after.

OP, has your DS actually said he felt unwanted, or is that you projecting because you have some guilt about leaving him to others at an unsociable time?

It depends how it was done or communicated in the past. Did she go to bed or watch tv in another room? Does your ds know he can go to your niece if he needs help?

I’d not be able to stay up like this. But I’d make sure the child was comfortable and would likely get up to let the parents in. My dd souls probably still be up also.

You say she has fluctuating moods. Clearly she’s on a downer atm. Maybe she has some kind of mood disorder or bi polar. In this case it isn’t her fault per se.

Perhaps you should all be talking more as a family so that your ds understands things a little more and your niece a little more open about how she feels. A knee jerk reaction to this situation isn’t helpful.

I think a bit more understanding all round would be though. You’re a thespian op. I imagine you to have studied human behaviour. Use this knowledge to gain insight into your own family.

Oops strange autocorrect, that should read :

My dd would probably be up.

PINKGLOVES Thank you - you are singing my hymn!
Amandacarnet I don't go up to bed and leave my child/children downstairs when I go to bed. I make sure I'm the last one up so everything is locked up, secured, the dogs have had a wee outside etc. I'd feel odd going up to bed and leaving the youngest member o the family downstairs! So I certainly don't expect that at someone else's house.

mooncuplanding I disagree that I should 'get over it'. why should anyone tolerate poor care of their child?!

Tolerating poor care of your child? It’s all so dramatic.

You haven’t said what your son actually said about it. I imagine he barely noticed. Although if he did, that shouts out to me that you’ve instilled massive preciousness on him

If my dc were at someone’s house who was doing me a favour and they were perfectly capable of sitting in a room on their own, and the person wanted to go to bed, for whatever reason, I’d expect them to have the manners to let them and occupy themselves for 15 minutes. To expect this person (family) to stay up when a 12 year old is perfectly capable is utterly bonkers.

reefedsail This is my job, not my hobby. Also 730-1015 once is not what I consider unsociable hours. I have my gt nephews regularly for long overnights and sometimes during the day when I am otherwise child free.

Yes, ds said he had not been spoken to and texted me once he was alone to ask me if I could come and get him and when.

I'd feel odd going up to bed and leaving the youngest member o the family downstairs! So I certainly don't expect that at someone else's house.

But different people are different and live differently. I often leave the dc watching tv downstairs and go and sit upstairs with a book. I don't think personally that this is remotely contraversial.

Ultimately whatever anyone else thinks is irrelevant though - you aren't happy so next time pay for childcare and moving forward don't provide childcare all the time for your neice.

My 12 year old ds goes to bed at 8:30 on a school night!

My 12 year old ds goes to bed at 8:30 on a school night!

Okay.
Some other 12yo’s don’t need to go to bed at 8.30 on a school night. I know mine never did and even between them there was a good deal of variability at that age. Doesn’t make yours right and other people’s wrong or in reverse, kids are different.

shannaratiger My son has not gone to bed qt 830pm since he was out 8! If only.........

about 8...

It makes no difference what time your DS goes to bed Shannaratiger - the post isn’t about that!

leaving him sitting downstairs with fuck all to do while he waited for me

Might she have thought that his phone would occupy him for a short while?

Maybe she has some kind of mood disorder or bi polar. In this case it isn’t her fault per se.

Can we please stop assuming any rude or unreasonable behaviour can be excused away as mental illness? Having bipolar disorder doesn't turn a normally polite courteous person into a rude arsehole. Some people are just rude arseholes.

I think those people saying "the niece was just watching TV in another room, does the OP need someone in the same room holding her son's hand 24/7" are missing the point that presumably, as far as the OP's DS was concerned, his cousin had gone to bed to sleep and he would have felt uncomfortable at the thought of going in to wake her up had something happened, such as the OP being delayed, so it's not quite the same as if he were watching TV in the sitting room and there was an adult fossicking about in the kitchen or whatever.

Hope rehearsals are going well, OP, and that your son enjoys the show.

Thankyou thetitoftheiceberg. That was exactly my point. Buggering off to bed is vastly different to being in a different room. Thanks for the 'good luck' wishes, my son loves that I do something different so he's quite an independent and well rounded little fella. I think people on here think I have him chained to me like his security blanket. Very odd.

AutumnCrow. Possibly. I still think it's bad form though.