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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that this is a dreadful way to treat my son

307 replies

ThespianTendencies · 23/04/2019 10:54

I am currently in rehearsals so my schedule is quite hectic as the show goes up this week. I left my son (12) with my niece (36) for the evening and was due to collect hm at 1030pm latest. When I arrived - 10:15pm he was sitting alone downstairs in lamplight while my niece and her two sons had all gone up to bed. I think this is an appalling way to treat my son almost as if she was demonstrating how much they did not want him there. He was fine(ish) but I was disgusted. I regularly look after her two boys and never would I leave one of them downstairs while my children and me went up to bed! I texted her to say that it was not very nice and her response was "He's 12, what did you want me to do, sing him a lullabye.' I am really disgusted and angered by it and don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Aprillygirl · 23/04/2019 11:46

To be honest I'd be more worried about the kid not getting enough sleep. Was it not his first day back after the Easter break for him?

LillithsFamiliar · 23/04/2019 11:47

It's not really about 'knowing her' is it Confused Did you ask your son or did you just fly off the handle? I also don't understand why she'd have to talk lots to him when there are two other children in the house. If my nephew is over, he spends most of the time talking to his cousins, not me.

harrypotterfan1604 · 23/04/2019 11:48

It’s so incredibly rude! Makes no difference that he was fine and more than capable of sitting downstairs without coming to any harm it’s just so rude!

MadeForThis · 23/04/2019 11:53

Is she usually antisocial and rude? I have a close family member who would totally do this. She's selfish and always puts her own needs first.

MondayTuesdayWednesday · 23/04/2019 11:54

I can’t believe the responses here!

I think that was a horrible thing to do to your child and I wouldn’t be happy about it. You are right to be annoyed.

As for the people saying they would leave a 12 year old home alone at night time, 12 is too young to be left home at night and maybe the 12 year old wouldn’t like that.

Some of the attitudes here to parenting are frankly bizarre.

TheTitOfTheIceberg · 23/04/2019 11:57

I agree that this is not about whether a 12yo is likely to be safe / keep themselves occupied for a short time alone, it's about courtesy and consideration towards someone who is a guest in your home, and the OP's niece was rude and inconsiderate.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 23/04/2019 11:59

I think you need to explain to your 12 year old that he should have gone to bed

Why should he have gone to bed? His mother was coming for him at 10.30!

OP - I think it was a shitty thing to do.

I can understand if she wanted her own children in bed, but it would have been much more welcoming if she had sat up with him until you arrived (it was 10.30pm, not 2.30 am ffs!)

I'd have been stotting about this!

Charley34 · 23/04/2019 11:59

So bloody rude I would never do that ! I would rethink using her from now on .

Babuchak · 23/04/2019 12:00

12 is too young to be left home at night and maybe the 12 year old wouldn’t like that.

so the 12 year old was safely in his aunt's house.
I don't wait for my older kids to go to bed to go myself, a 12 year old can stay up without supervision, no need to over-react.

At 12 you are old enough to start babysitting and being paid for it! A normal 12 year old should be perfectly happy to be watching tv downstairs alone, when others do it for cash when parents are away.

It's all how you present things, if you invite your nephew and plonk him downstairs, it's very rude. If you do a favour, he's there often, knows the house, and you leave him downstairs with everything he might need, what on earth is the big deal?

Original poster
ThespianTendencies · 23/04/2019 12:00

M4J4 I was earlier than I had stated. I think it was awful too. Childcare is prob about equal but I have taken hers on holiday with me several times so in that respect is is weighted in her favour!

OP posts:
Gratefulbeyond103 · 23/04/2019 12:03

Yanbu op. She was very mean to leave him alone. I get that he was safe but he must have felt so awkward. She could have sat up with him till you came. I wouldn't do that to any child I was looking after. Her reply to you tells you all you need to know!

Original poster
ThespianTendencies · 23/04/2019 12:04

Aprillygirl - No, he goes back to school tomrrow, No way would he be in bed or asleep by 1030 anyway!

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 23/04/2019 12:04

It just seems very strange. But I guess she thought that as family he'd be OK?? However I wouldn't be leaving him there again. For 2.5 hours I'd be taking him with me and sticking him in a corner with something electronic or his homework.

Original poster
ThespianTendencies · 23/04/2019 12:05

MadeforThsis yes she is. She is either great fun or totally morose. No in-between.

OP posts:
OKBobble · 23/04/2019 12:06

Not sure what the problem is if she was awake? If she was uosatirs cleaning the bathroom, or in another room doing the ironing etc that would be fine I assume.

Maybe she was knackered and just wanted to lie in bed to watch a different tv programme to a 12 year old in which vase it was easier for her to go upstairs rather than give access to her bedroom to a 12 year old boy. He is 12 not 2 so if there had been a problem at all he could have presumably just called up.

Original poster
ThespianTendencies · 23/04/2019 12:06

MondayTuesday\Wednesday - I absolutely agree. To me it was unacceptable, I wouldn't go to bed an d leave my 3 year old downstairs in our own house! I always make sure he is upstairs before I go to bed.

OP posts:
M4J4 · 23/04/2019 12:07

@Babuchak

You are an odd family.

That's very rude. Why is OP and her family odd?

The whole thing is odd, but some posters are completely over-reacting. "borderline child abuse"? FFS, get a grip. A 12 year old is more than old enough to spend the evening home alone.

Have you RTFT? It's not his home! His cousin was supposed to provide childcare, OP sent her son there in good faith, where her niece proceeded to ignore her DS the whole evening and said one sentence to him. Yes, that can be 'borderline abusive', especially as OP has said this is not a one-off. You may not have experience of this, but a child does know when they're being treated differently. My aunt let her daughter target me in her home as a child, to get back at my mum. Just because you don't understand something, does not mean it is not possible. The niece could very well be trying to get at OP.

I would happily leave my nieces and nephews and my own kids alone at that age, but because we are normal, and close, nobody would mind.

Would you also ignore your niece/nephew all night? Doesn't sound 'normal' or 'close' to me?

As per my previous post, I would stop the babysitting completely.

underneaththeash · 23/04/2019 12:08

I left my 12 year old downstairs at 9.30pm last night when I went to bed (I was knackered for some reason yesterday).
I think you are massively overreacting.

LittleMissHappy19 · 23/04/2019 12:08

Yes he may be able to sit by himself at 12.

But that is besides the point! It's bloody rude and mean!

Sat there quietly, waiting for his mum while everybody else in the house just goes upstairs to bed?!

Don't people have manners in this day and age?!

She had to sit there for 15 minutes with him, have a little chat and then OP would of been there to pick him up.

I would be very upset! Thinking of my child say there quietly waiting by himself. It must of been very uncomfortable for him, knowing they had all gone to bed. Bless him!

kingsassassin · 23/04/2019 12:08

We often have my 13 yo nephew to stay in school holidays. It is for several weeks on end, so slightly different but if he was actually being collected that evening, I'd probably stay up until he'd been collected.

After Christmas when I tried to put my nephew to bed and finally got him to stay there at 2am (so I could then get up for the day at 6), I can't do it. The wifi goes off at 10 but he can read / draw / sleep for as long as he likes but on his own from 11pm.

If my brother has a problem with that, he is very welcome to source alternative childcare for all school holidays.

Original poster
ThespianTendencies · 23/04/2019 12:09

TheTit Thankyou. I cannot imagine any of my friends looking after a nephew and going to bed leaving him to let his parent in to collect him. I find it bizarre that people find it acceptable!

OP posts:
Moreisnnogedag · 23/04/2019 12:09

He’s not a guest, he’s family. If it was only a few hours, why couldn’t he be on his own? Or had dinner together with your sis and then walk home by himself? If he was younger then I could maybe see it but he’s 12!

OKBobble · 23/04/2019 12:10

If your 12 year old is "no way in bed by 10.30 or asleep by then anyway" type of boy he is presumably also a not bothered by being left downstairs alone for 15 minutes boy too!

LittleMissHappy19 · 23/04/2019 12:11

It completely different your own child, in their own house! They are not going to feel uncomfortable or out of place are they?! It's their home!!

This boy was not in his own house, and no doubt would of felt uncomfortable and uneasy, just say there waiting.

Gosh I'm glad my family and friend have manners!

Some posters are shocking! Thinking it's acceptable! It's just bloody rude!

Rosesaredead · 23/04/2019 12:11

I think you're overreacting. It was a bit questionable manners-wise, but with close family you don't always feel the need to be on your best behaviour and are more comfortable to do what you really want. I don't see why he was only 'just' okay. He was left downstairs in a house watching TV with the lamp on, not thrown out into the street in the pouring rain or something 🙄