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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this is a dreadful way to treat my son

307 replies

ThespianTendencies · 23/04/2019 10:54

I am currently in rehearsals so my schedule is quite hectic as the show goes up this week. I left my son (12) with my niece (36) for the evening and was due to collect hm at 1030pm latest. When I arrived - 10:15pm he was sitting alone downstairs in lamplight while my niece and her two sons had all gone up to bed. I think this is an appalling way to treat my son almost as if she was demonstrating how much they did not want him there. He was fine(ish) but I was disgusted. I regularly look after her two boys and never would I leave one of them downstairs while my children and me went up to bed! I texted her to say that it was not very nice and her response was "He's 12, what did you want me to do, sing him a lullabye.' I am really disgusted and angered by it and don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThespianTendencies · 23/04/2019 11:07

churchthecat - she does not regularly go to bed at that time. her children are 9 and 15. I felt very hurt for him. Just sitting there by himself while everyone was upstairs,

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 23/04/2019 11:09

I’m not seeing the issue. He was fine, he doesn’t need to have an adult sat with him at all time. Why can’t he stay on his own house?

BarbarianMum · 23/04/2019 11:10

YANBU

LisaSimpsonsbff · 23/04/2019 11:11

Is she supposed to be having all week while you have rehearsals and then the show? If it was a one-off then I agree she really should have stayed up, no matter how tired; if she's supposed to be having him for days in a row then I have a bit more sympathy for why she wants to go to bed at her normal time.

Why was she in bed at 10.15pm?

Don’t think I have ever gone to bed at 10.15pm since I was about 12.

What time do you get up? I don't really like going to bed before 11 but I do it, because I have to get up at 6 so getting into bed at 11 means I'm getting well under 7 hours, which isn't enough for me on a regular basis. I used to regularly pull all-nighters for work but that ability disappeared when I was pregnant and is yet to come back...

colditz · 23/04/2019 11:11

Leave him at home. He's clearly not welcome and would probably be happier at home with his own tech and right of movement.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 23/04/2019 11:12

Oh if that's not her normal bed time then I agree that she was being nasty and passive aggressive.

PotteryLady · 23/04/2019 11:15

It was rude and YANBU - I don't people saying it's fine!

Oliversmumsarmy · 23/04/2019 11:15

That makes it look like she really doesn’t like him enough to even sit downstairs with him or let her 15 year old to sit with him. I would wonder what else has been going on.

If he is going to be on his own then why not just leave him with a cold collation in his own house.

I presume he is a sensible boy and not going to start a fire or answer the door to strangers or have his mates over to party.

Or let him go to a friends house for the evening

DerelictWreck · 23/04/2019 11:15

Just sitting there by himself while everyone was upstairs

Your niece was awake, so they hadn't all gone to sleep and left him, she was just in a different room from him? If you want to watch TV at home do you always do it in the same room as him?

I get that it's odd and seems a bit weird/mean, but he was hardly treated disgustingly.

getback · 23/04/2019 11:16

Ffs she was incredibly rude! Don't get these responses at all, if it was you posting saying "my sister was visiting, her DH was collecting her at 10.30 but me and my dc were tired so we went to bed and left her downstairs" everyone would fall
over themselves to say how unreasonable and rude you were. But because it's a 12-year old boy it's perfectly acceptable to be so incredibly rude. That's mumsnet for you, I'm surprised nobody has asked why he didn't get himself a taxi.

Babuchak · 23/04/2019 11:16

It sounds like there's an odd vibe between all of you!

True, most people would have stayed with your son until he was collected, but at that age, and with a close family member, he was perfectly fine to watch tv or entertain himself with snacks downstairs. He must be very comfortable in that house by now. I would go to bed before my own son, I'd trust my kids at that age.
Was he the one to open the door for you?

Time to stop all babysitting from all sides, it's both your confrontational reactions that is odd.

Original poster
ThespianTendencies · 23/04/2019 11:17

LisaSimpson No of course not! She is not having him all week. She had him one evening for 2.5 hours!!!!!!! Where did I say she had had him all week? Nowhere! She was reciprocating with chilcare as I had had her son for 3 days over Easter hols. We share childcare at times. If she goes away or if I have to go out. WE have holidayed together I take her sons on holiday - it is a family thing. But she was plain rude

OP posts:
Villanellesproudmum · 23/04/2019 11:17

Was she I’ll, clutching at straws. If you have a key maybe she went to bed knowing you’ll only be 10 mins. Although I’d stay up with him. Bit late for him on a school night though.

Villanellesproudmum · 23/04/2019 11:18

*ill

Oliversmumsarmy · 23/04/2019 11:18

LisaSimpsonsbff I am definitely awake by 6am, usually anything between 4.40am and 6am.

AncoraAmarena · 23/04/2019 11:19

Bloody hell, what world do posters live in to this that this was in any way acceptable?

You don't go to bed and leave a visiting 12 year old downstairs when you've agreed to look after him. It's RUDE and absolutely is treating someone 'disgustedly'.

OP, I agree that you should leave him at home from now on. I would be cutting down the amount of help you give to your niece too and tell her why.

Aprillygirl · 23/04/2019 11:20

I think it was rude of your niece for sure,and I would be a bit miffed but I do think you are being a bit overdramatic. Surely he had the telly on or something and wasn't just sat staring forlornly into space?

laptoplacey · 23/04/2019 11:21

It was a bit of a mean thing to do. Regardless of the age. Especially if she was awake watching tv in a different room. It would have been nice of her to just sit with him until you collected him.

Original poster
ThespianTendencies · 23/04/2019 11:24

Ancora - thank you! I cannot imagine looking after a child and then my entire family popping off to bed and leaving them sitting there to answer the door on their own. I am staggered that people think this is acceptable. She was being rude and not treating my child with the same respect and care I treat hers with.

OP posts:
PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 23/04/2019 11:24

What is your actual issue ?

Most 12 year olds can self occupy - did he actaully need observing, closely for 2.5 hours? Does he have some form of SEN?

You are family, you live in clsoe proximity, you know each others routines, you halep each other out, why the sudden issue that they are running their hosue as they normally would.

I am really disgusted and angered by it and don't know what to do.

I'd try getting over yorself. That would be a start.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 23/04/2019 11:24

It was rude and inhospitable of her, but you are being very dramatic with the lamplight (as opposed to...the dark?) and I'm sure here was watching TV or on his phone.

I'm wondering how often you leave him there, and how early your DN gets up? Could you bring him to rehearsals? And is the performance a hobby, or your job?

SweetMarmalade · 23/04/2019 11:24

Very rude of your niece and odd that they all buggered off upstairs leaving their ‘guest’ alone.

How does your Ds feel about it?

junebirthdaygirl · 23/04/2019 11:24

Would your ds have been happy having the remote to himself and picking his own programme. How was he when you arrived. He might have felt all grown up.
But if he was uncomfortable with it l wouldn't be happy.

M4J4 · 23/04/2019 11:24

Are you going to keep looking after her children? I wouldn't!

I think it was a pretty awful thing to do. If she wanted to go to bed earlier, she shouldn't have agreed to take care of your child until 10.30pm.

Is the childcare more weighted in her favour i.e. do you take care of her kids more than she does of yours? Sounds like she expects you to provide childcare because you're her aunt but she doesn't feel she needs to reciprocate to the same extent?

Nicknacky · 23/04/2019 11:25

Why couldn’t he just stay in his own house if it was only for a couple of hours?