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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that a 32yo man doesn’t have to spend his bday with his parents?

247 replies

Emma090 · 18/04/2019 07:00

My DH and I are living with my parents in the week and his parents at the weekend while we wait to move into our first house (just exchanged).

DH’s birthday is next Wednesday. DH works long hours and won’t be home that early, so my parents offered to take us out for dinner locally. We assumed we’d celebrate with DH’s parents when we see them at the weekend as they live about an hour away.

DH’s parents have just suggested we go out for dinner (local to them) on Wed, but DH has told them (not as tactfully as he perhaps could have done tbh) our plans as above. They got very upset and FIL has just finished lecturing my DH about how much he has hurt his mother etc.

DH is now saying we should cancel on my parents and spend it with his instead. AIBU to think that this all a bit ridiculous?

OP posts:
RuthW · 18/04/2019 07:06

I'm 50. My parents like to see me on my birthday just as I like to see my adult daughter on hers. Nothing wrong with it. His birthday, he gets to spend it how he chooses.

EdtheBear · 18/04/2019 07:11

Nobody in life has to do anything!

However your birthday isn't just a special day for you, it's also a special day for your parents, especially your mum.

I'd suggest inviting his parents to join you both and your parents.

BeanBag7 · 18/04/2019 07:12

Can't you all have dinner together? At a restaurant half way? Although I don't jew how you suggest that now without offending his parents.

If he actually wants to spend time with his parents, and not just because they made him feel guilty, then I'm sure your parents will understand

HaventGotAllDay · 18/04/2019 07:13

Nobody has to do anything on their birthday that they don't want to.

Why can't both sets of parents participate?

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 18/04/2019 07:13

It sounds a bit like both sets of parents have decided what will happen, and your DH has just let himself be steered, resulting in upset all round.

Yes, he is a grown adult man. So why doesn't he decide what he wants to do, then invite who he wants to invite? Rather than have mummy and daddy #1 and mummy and daddy #2 squabbling over who gets to give him his birthday tea??

(And honestly, the situation where you go from one set of parents to the other from day to day sounds weird. I'm guessing this was already an attempt to "share" out your time and "make it fair" to both sets of parents, but it sounds like it has played into a very strange dynamic where you and DH are being bickered over by the older generation like kids trying to share an x box. I hope you can buy a house soon and move out, then start a slightly more grown up relationship with both families)

YouJustDoYou · 18/04/2019 07:15

Oh Jesus. Mummy having a strop and son giving in to mummy. What a joke.

adaline · 18/04/2019 07:16

Well - if I was given the choice I'd rather spend my birthday with my parents, not my in-laws.

Original poster
Emma090 · 18/04/2019 07:17

I think tbh he was quite happy to do nothing on his actual bday as he won’t be home till 7.30 and has to be up at 6, so he saw dinner at our favourite local pub with my parents as just a bonus. We’ve suggested having dinner with both sets of parents, my parents are very happy to do that (she just likes to keep the peace) but his parents seem to want it to be a more exclusive family thing of us, them and my SIL.

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 18/04/2019 07:18

You were wrong to make assumptions about when his parents wouid want to see him for his birthday.

And it strikes me as perfectly normal to want to see your own parents, rather than your ILs on your birthday.

Perhaps your parents couid take you out at the weekend instead?

And yes, your DH really does need to learn some more tact. He seems to have thoroughly upset his parents to an extent that sounds wholly disproportionate and would not have occurred if someone's used ordinary basic courtesy and basic adequate manners.

HoraceCope · 18/04/2019 07:18

it is mid week, they are simply jealous and unreasonable. he will see them at the weekend.

Shoxfordian · 18/04/2019 07:18

Maybe you can all have dinner together?

Is he a man who will always do what his Mum wants though? Be careful op

HoraceCope · 18/04/2019 07:19

let him decide op.

fleshmarketclose · 18/04/2019 07:20

My adult dc and their siblings come to me on their birthday. I cook their favourite meal and make a birthday cake all partners are included. Obviously if they have other plans we tend to celebrate on a different day it's not a problem. I think DP should get the choice of who to celebrate with and I expect he'd choose his parents and you and your parents should graciously accept this.

HoraceCope · 18/04/2019 07:21

Just because he is 32 doesnt mean he shouldnt see his parents op, would you have a meal with your parents on your birthday?
why should you cut him off from his parents?

let him chose

Gentlemanwiththistledownhair · 18/04/2019 07:24

I can't believe the amount of pp's suggesting that you're BU. YAsoNBU!

Sure, when you're 6, your parents seeing you on your birthday is a big deal. But he's a grown man! Mind you my mil throws similar childish strops about "her boys", so i'm probably sensitive to it...

MeredithGrey1 · 18/04/2019 07:24

His parents are being unreasonable imo. Yes I’m sure it’s nice to see your adult children on their birthday, but it’s his birthday, so to get upset when he doesn’t want to go to dinner an hour away when he’s going to be home late and has to get up early is making the birthday a bit more about them than him.

missmouse101 · 18/04/2019 07:25

YANBU at all. Common sense prevails here. The original plan was perfectly fine. What a ridiculous fuss from his mother making it all about her. He's a grown man.

Original poster
Emma090 · 18/04/2019 07:26

@HorsceCope if you read my original post rather than just the title - it’s mid-week and he works long hours, so wanted to see his parents at the weekend when he had more energy and time to celebrate properly with them. But they are insistent on spending his actual bday with him.

OP posts:
Lobsterquadrille2 · 18/04/2019 07:26

Surely the point is not that he actively doesn't want to see his parents, but the effort and time/late hour that it would involve. If he gets home at 7.30pm and they are an hour away, that's starting to eat at 9pm at the earliest. And he has to then (I assume) eat, get back to your parents' house and get up at 6am.

I wouldn't even consider it.

megrichardson · 18/04/2019 07:27

I agree with the poster upthread who said 'be careful'. The whole thing is ridiculous, he is a grown man. If his parents can be manipulative over this non event, what other stunt could they pull in the future?

saraclara · 18/04/2019 07:27

He doesn't have to. But maybe it's their tradition? It certainly is ours, and my kids are that age. No way I'd kick off if they wanted to change that though.

Sounds like he messed up informing them though. If it IS usual for them to be together, they might have already made plans which now need un- making.

Sparkletastic · 18/04/2019 07:28

How utterly bizarre of them to make a fuss - particularly when you are staying with them every weekend.

billybagpuss · 18/04/2019 07:29

It’s not practical to see his parents. By the time he’s got home, changed and got there it’s going to be at least 9pm.

stucknoue · 18/04/2019 07:30

Dinner half way, a 30 minute drive is reasonable for both of you

Oakenbeach · 18/04/2019 07:30

I can't believe the amount of pp's suggesting that you're BU. YAsoNBU!

I agree. Wanting to see your adult children on their birthday to the point of getting upset and angry if that doesn’t happen is ridiculous and really rather pathetic.

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