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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that a 32yo man doesn’t have to spend his bday with his parents?

247 replies

Emma090 · 18/04/2019 07:00

My DH and I are living with my parents in the week and his parents at the weekend while we wait to move into our first house (just exchanged).

DH’s birthday is next Wednesday. DH works long hours and won’t be home that early, so my parents offered to take us out for dinner locally. We assumed we’d celebrate with DH’s parents when we see them at the weekend as they live about an hour away.

DH’s parents have just suggested we go out for dinner (local to them) on Wed, but DH has told them (not as tactfully as he perhaps could have done tbh) our plans as above. They got very upset and FIL has just finished lecturing my DH about how much he has hurt his mother etc.

DH is now saying we should cancel on my parents and spend it with his instead. AIBU to think that this all a bit ridiculous?

OP posts:
Original poster
Emma090 · 18/04/2019 14:56

@LittleChristmasMouse I think you may have got the wrong end of the stick from my earlier post. I didn’t say he preferred to do nothing, just that he would have been happy to stay in and do nothjng if dinner out hadn’t been suggested (he’s v focused on passing his exams for his clinical oncology specialty atm so don’t think he was too proactive about planning specifics). But he would always take steak & chips followed by banofee pie at his favourite local over a meal at home.

OP posts:
diddl · 18/04/2019 14:58

I don't think it's a leap to think that someone who has said they want to do nothing might agree to a meal out nearby when it's suggested.

Presumably he could have said no if he'd wanted to & wouldn't have been met by a Mrs Doyle response!

Well Op, hope he enjoys his celebration/s when & where it/they occur!

Pegsinarow · 18/04/2019 15:01

Sorry missed your update op! Hope your dh has a lovely birthday when he chooses to celebrate it! Sorry he has to work!

LittleChristmasMouse · 18/04/2019 15:22

@Emma090

Fair enough OP.

Oakenbeach · 18/04/2019 16:36

I should've told my late 20's DD when it was her birthday recently and she was off to a cottage in Wales with a load of friends.... that she can't. She must come home and see Mummy.

Too right... It’s her birthday, but YOU gave birth to her, so it’s your right to see her on that day. How thoughtless of her to book a holiday at that time! Next you’ll be telling me she doesn’t let you blow out the candles on her cake! Confused

Teacakeandalatte · 18/04/2019 16:41

His parents abu. If I were him I would cancel all parents and just have a takeaway at home.

Roussette · 18/04/2019 17:36

Oaken Grin
exactly!!

Shootingstar1115 · 18/04/2019 17:42

Parents still want to see their children on their birthdays, even when all grown up.

Maybe they are hurt because he’s going out to dinner with your parents and not seeing them? Can’t they come to him on Wedneday or meet half way?

Motoko · 18/04/2019 17:56

Maybe they are hurt because he’s going out to dinner with your parents and not seeing them? Can’t they come to him on Wedneday or meet half way?

They were invited to come on the Wednesday. They don't want to.

It makes more sense that he sees his PIL on his birthday, as he lives with them. He would have been seeing his own parents just 2 days later. Why would anyone sensible be hurt by that?

Anyway, he's now going to be working both times.

Roussette · 18/04/2019 17:58

Parents still want to see their children on their birthdays, even when all grown up

Of course. But not if they've got something else on. I would hate for my DCs to feel obliged to drop everything and see me. We are in contact loads anyway and always speak on birthdays but not necessarily see each other. I'm just happy they're enjoying their lives to the full.

IM0GEN · 18/04/2019 17:59

Parents still want to see their children on their birthdays, even when all grown up

Oh yes I agree, I WANT to see them. But I try to accept that they have their own lives now and mostly want to be with their friends and partners. Doing what teens and young adults do - going out and socialising / playing sport / holidays / hobbies etc.

IM0GEN · 18/04/2019 18:00

X posted !! great minds etc

Dana28 · 18/04/2019 18:22

He may be 32 but he isn't independent of his patents is he, still living with them on a weekend. Because of this I think he should celebrate his birthday with them.i think they feel a bit used.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 18/04/2019 19:01

@Dana28 have you read the thread? He wouldn't be eating until very late. He would have an hour's drive back. He works in a hospital. His parents were invited to join him and the OP in his actual birthday, if it's of such importance. They declined.

I really fear for the DC of some posters.

MortyVicar · 18/04/2019 19:23

But it’s not up to HIM is it, he doesn’t want to do anything.

Nope. Don't know it all. Just find it odd that the OP says that her husband would prefer to do nothing and yet they were still going out for a meal with her parents.

The OP says her husband would rather do nothing. Why was that not the beginning and end of the discussion? Why then the offer of a takeaway or pub meal? Surely what he actually wants to do is what he said - nothing?

Good grief there's some people hard of reading on here. The OP said he didn't 'prefer' to do nothing, he didn't think of it because of work. When his MiL suggested that they ate out instead of at home he thought it was a nice idea:

I think tbh he was quite happy to do nothing on his actual bday as he won’t be home till 7.30 and has to be up at 6, so he saw dinner at our favourite local pub with my parents as just a bonus.

Go that? A bonus. So why PPs are painting OP as the Wicked Witch of the West physically keeping her DP from his mother, and her mother as the controlling MiL from hell for daring to - y'know - suggest the meal, I have no idea. They're making the story up for themselves it seems.

IfNotNowThenWhy · 18/04/2019 20:33

Honestly, once my dc is past about 16 , if they want to spend their birthday with mates or girlfriend/boyfriend I'm FINE with that! It doesn't mean I'm not important in their life! In fact.. (shocking idea) It's not about me at all! There are some nutty ideas about what adults children should be expected to do on here today!

ifpossible · 18/04/2019 23:36

FGS some of these replies....
Isn’t it just a case of oh well seeing as you are here we’ll take you out to dinner. Probably the same as what the OP’s PILS would have done for her if her birthday had fell on a day they were at their house.
YANBU by any means. I think it just needs to be explained it’s been arranged on these simple terms and no drama required. Hope you both enjoy the evening either way OP.

puppymouse · 18/04/2019 23:38

My parents are obsessed with seeing me on my birthday. It's lovely but so awkward these days as I just want to do my own thing. I've been more vocal and selfish about it the older I've got as I hate the way it's assumed I won't have any other plans...

SandyY2K · 19/04/2019 01:02

Apologies...I thought it was your parents that wanted it to be with just them.

I can still see why his parents would be upset about it tbh.

He's a grown man, yet despite not wanting to particularly do anything for his birthday, your mum suggested the meal....and he goes along with it, probably for an easy life and not wanting to appear ungrateful.

My DM would have asked me if my DH was doing anything and once I said hell be back late...so no... that would be the end.

Because it's his parents they are BU... the DHs parents and men are generally seen as wrong on MN.

BummyKnocker · 19/04/2019 01:12

Bloody hell, he is 32, it is a weekday and he works late you both see his parents every weekend, just do something then.

Orangeballon · 19/04/2019 01:30

Yes, it is rediculous and his parents are being thoughtless and childish.

SenecaFalls · 19/04/2019 01:30

To everyone saying they don't see their parents on their birthday, how would you feel about your own child, the one you gave birth to not seeing you on their birthday?

It would not bother me in the least. All of this palaver over adult birthdays is ridiculous, in my opinion, unless it's a milestone birthday. My eldest lives across the country (we're in the US) and I have not seen her on her birthday in years. Even my son, who lives close by, often doesn't even do anything special for his birthday because it comes during his busiest time of the year at work.

Hazlenutpie · 19/04/2019 08:19

How would I feel? I honestly wouldn’t give a shit! These are adults we are talking about, not small children. As we grow older birthdays become less important. Most people are at work on their birthday. Many have moved on and are at university or have jobs in different parts of the country. Spending time with mummy and daddy is not on most adults’ agenda. They probably prefer a quiet night out with their spouse or friends of their own age.

user1493391099 · 19/04/2019 18:06

Now that I’m the mother of a son I can see his mum’s point of view. We moan about our mils but I’ve day we will be that mil. And even though your child will be an adult, I’d hate to feel pushed out. It probably sounds petty but I get how she feels.

NiceViper · 19/04/2019 18:11

How on earth did he manage to upset his parents so thoroughly over something that ought to be easy to sort?

Is he difficult to deal with at other times? "not as tactfully as he perhaps could have done tbh" does sound like a euphemism for 'he was fucking rude and it scares me, but if I can make it someone else's fault I don't have to examine that possibility'