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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that a 32yo man doesn’t have to spend his bday with his parents?

247 replies

Emma090 · 18/04/2019 07:00

My DH and I are living with my parents in the week and his parents at the weekend while we wait to move into our first house (just exchanged).

DH’s birthday is next Wednesday. DH works long hours and won’t be home that early, so my parents offered to take us out for dinner locally. We assumed we’d celebrate with DH’s parents when we see them at the weekend as they live about an hour away.

DH’s parents have just suggested we go out for dinner (local to them) on Wed, but DH has told them (not as tactfully as he perhaps could have done tbh) our plans as above. They got very upset and FIL has just finished lecturing my DH about how much he has hurt his mother etc.

DH is now saying we should cancel on my parents and spend it with his instead. AIBU to think that this all a bit ridiculous?

OP posts:
JustAnotherMillennial · 18/04/2019 07:32

Yanbu OP, I love my parents dearly but if my birthday falls on a weekday then I probably won't go out, happy with a takeaway with DH and the kids.

The weekend we can all celebrate together etc

saraclara · 18/04/2019 07:32

"Sorry mum, but I don't finish work until 7:30, so driving up to you will only give us a short time, and I'll be really tired. I'll be much better company at the weekend, which was why I thought this would be better"

Youseethethingis · 18/04/2019 07:32

YANBU! It won’t really be much of a celebration with his parents mid-week if they are a hour away, he doesn’t get home til 7.30 and has to be up at 6. The fact that your PILs are kicking off and wanting you both to go somewhere local to them, and won’t compromise is just ridiculous. I would be so pissed off with their behaviour if I were your DH.

GeorgeTheBleeder · 18/04/2019 07:32

This is ridiculous. You’ve just exchanged on a house? Cancel all the nonsensical, tiring, inconvenient birthDAY complications and simply have a combined birthday/housewarming - to which both sets of parents are invited - once you move into your own home.

HoraceCope · 18/04/2019 07:32

i am sure your parents wont mind if that is what he wants to do op,
just go with the flow

Butterfly84 · 18/04/2019 07:34

Hmmm...maybe the fact that you're staying with them every weekend is causing some issues. It seems like your MiL was upset because 1. she's got a good enough house for son to live in but he doesn't want to see her on his birthday and 2. the way that your DH declined the offer.

I think you need to stop being so hard on your PiL. It's a really kind thing to let you stay with them weekly, I know a lot of parents who wouldn't do this. Your DH needs to apologise for letting them down rudely. Yes, it's up to him what he does on his birthday but there's no need to be rude and unappreciative.

PolarBearBubbles · 18/04/2019 07:34

I live 20 minutes from my parents and rarely see them on my birthday, nor have I done since I left for uni at 18. I think it's bizarre for an adult to arrange to see their parents on their birthday rather than doing something with their own family.
I'll spend the day/evening with DH and the kids and probably see my parents at the weekend.

TrojanWhore · 18/04/2019 07:35

Well quite saraclara but he didn't use either tact or manners did he?

He was blunt and that's why it kicked off.

OP and her parents are collateral damage from his inadequacy.

BarbaraofSevillle · 18/04/2019 07:35

it’s not practical to see his parents. By the time he’s got home, changed and got there it’s going to be at least 9pm

^^ This. If they're the type of people to get upset about what are perfectly reasonable arrangements, they're hardly likely to want to go out for dinner that late.

Margot33 · 18/04/2019 07:37

Its up to your husband. If hes tired and works long hours then celebrating at the weekend would be sensible as he'll be able to enjoy it. Just stick to what he wants to do. They'll get over it.

KC225 · 18/04/2019 07:39

Ordinarily, I would say no you don't have spend a birthday with anyone. However, when you are living at someone's house ...... It puts a different slant on it. Don't make things awkward if you still have to live there.

I also suggest a go out to dinner with both sets of parents. Its not that far, can he knock off half a hour early.

grasspigeons · 18/04/2019 07:42

Obviously i agree with the sentiment that he is an adult who can do what he likes but i do feel that a birthday is important to the person that gave birth as well as the person that was born. Being too tired or busy is one thing but spending it with the in-laws is a bit 'ive replaced my mother with my partners mother' its not quite the same as spending it with your own partner or kids.

ineedaholidaynow · 18/04/2019 07:44

I’m assuming PP who see their parents/DC/siblings on their birthdays all live near each other.

If it was either DH’s or my birthday and it was mid-week, it would probably be just us 2 going out for a meal, then we would try and see the respective parents whenever it was possible. But at various times in our lives we have lived between 2 - 5 hours from our families.

As an aside, as both sets of parents are so used to seeing you, have you discussed how much you are going to see them once you move out?

NameChangeNugget · 18/04/2019 07:46

YANBU.

Your mil is getting irrationally excited about a non-event

Settlersofcatan · 18/04/2019 07:46

I suspect the issue is that he said "I already have plans with my in laws" sending the message that they are more important to him now. If he had said "I would love to celebrate with you, but I only finish work at 7 so can we go out at the weekend?" it would have been fine.

Ninkaninus · 18/04/2019 07:50

I think mummy and daddy need to be reminded that their little boy is an adult working man now and works long hours, and also that they are being incredibly selfish and childish to be fixated on having to celebrate his birthday on the actual day when it means their son (whose wellbeing should matters more than their preferences) will suffer.

I would find people like that so, so tedious, and YADefinitelyNBU!

Hazlenutpie · 18/04/2019 07:52

Completely ridiculous! No you should not change your plans, your parents have very kindly offered and it’s all arranged.

His mother needs to wind her neck in.

lboogy · 18/04/2019 07:53

Why are you even involved in where he spends his birthday? He should spend it where he wants and naturally I'd imagine he'd prefer his own parents

Hazlenutpie · 18/04/2019 07:54

I suspect the issue is that he said "I already have plans with my in laws" sending the message that they are more important to him now. If he had said "I would love to celebrate with you, but I only finish work at 7 so can we go out at the weekend?" it would have been fine.

Bollocks to that. He was right to tell the truth. His parents need to back off from an adult son.

LemonTT · 18/04/2019 07:55

It is his birthday so he decides. He has.

Whilst his mum is making a fuss, so are you.

I’m sure your parents will be ok with it. He can leave work early. Job done. Life goes on.

Hazlenutpie · 18/04/2019 07:56

Yes but he’s already accepted an invite from his in-laws. He’s not six, he’s 32 FFS.

woolduvet · 18/04/2019 07:58

I'd say, that's lovely. We've booked a meal at my local pub at 8. See you there. Just to let you know I'll be leaving straight after cake as I'm up early. Or we can do something else at the weekend.

Westfacing · 18/04/2019 07:58

but DH has told them (not as tactfully as he perhaps could have done tbh) our plans as above.

Conversation was probably something like, we'd like to take you and DW out for your birthday, and reply Oh, no thanks, I'm going out with in-laws.

That would be a little hurtful, but I'd keep it to myself - speaking as a mother of even older sons!

ukgift2016 · 18/04/2019 07:59

I would be a bit upset too if my DD chose to spend her birthday with her PIL and not include me!

But most people are here like to paint the PIL as the enemy so go ahead!

Hazlenutpie · 18/04/2019 08:00

Jesus what is wrong with you people? You don’t own children, especially ones who are adults.