To think that a 32yo man doesn’t have to spend his bday with his parents?

[Emma090]

My DH and I are living with my parents in the week and his parents at the weekend while we wait to move into our first house (just exchanged).

DH’s birthday is next Wednesday. DH works long hours and won’t be home that early, so my parents offered to take us out for dinner locally. We assumed we’d celebrate with DH’s parents when we see them at the weekend as they live about an hour away.

DH’s parents have just suggested we go out for dinner (local to them) on Wed, but DH has told them (not as tactfully as he perhaps could have done tbh) our plans as above. They got very upset and FIL has just finished lecturing my DH about how much he has hurt his mother etc.

DH is now saying we should cancel on my parents and spend it with his instead. AIBU to think that this all a bit ridiculous?

To everyone saying they don't see their parents on their birthday, how would you feel about your own child, the one you gave birth to not seeing you on their birthday? It is not only a memorable day for your child but also you.

Bearing in mind we are talking about a grown adult here, it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. It’s one day. Life isn’t about “Hallmark moments”, it’s about ongoing relationships. It would upset me not to have good, meaningful relationships with my DC when they are adults. Seeing them on one particular day? Not something to make a fuss about. Far better to celebrate together at a time convenient for everyone.

Jeez far too many people giving you a hard time OP!

I agree the problem was probably the way he told them, it’s silly to expect you both to drive for an hour after a long day at work just for a meal when you could spend more quality time with them at the weekend.

I think you need to stop being so hard on your PiL. It's a really kind thing to let you stay with them weekly, I know a lot of parents who wouldn't do this.
Did you read the OP? If it's kind of the OP's PIL to let them stay every weekend, it is just as kind (if not kinder) for her parents to allow them to stay all week.

I find it bizarre you are nonplussed that his parents want to see him on his birthday yet have arranged for him to see yours...
Outrageous that the OP has 'arranged' for her parents to see the man who is living in their house with them on his birthday.

Getting home at 7.30 yet they still want him to go to them, an hour away? They're unreasonable. Possibly he lacked tact when speaking to them, but they're still unreasonable.

It's interesting that you see your DPILs as being controlling but seem oblivious to the fact that this entire situation resulted from your DM getting involved in 'organising' your DH's birthday.

Your dh doesn’t want to do anything on his birthday, he’s working late, but he is now going out to dinner with his in laws because your mum has asked and he potentially feels he has to as he’s staying with them.

I wonder how your mum would react if you went for dinner with your in laws rather than her in your birthday. It’s easy to paint in laws as controlling people but often I think they just want to be included

•To everyone saying they don't see their parents on their birthday, how would you feel about your own child, the one you gave birth to not seeing you on their birthday? It is not only a memorable day for your child but also you.*

Just because you gave birth to them doesn't mean you own them,and that emotional blackmail shit that you're spouting is just awful. I'm surprised you don't demand your kid/s don't buy YOU flowers on THEIR birthday seeing as you did give birth to them therefore it is your special day too

etting home at 7.30 yet they still want him to go to them, an hour away? They're unreasonable. Possibly he lacked tact when speaking to them, but they're still unreasonable.

But he doesn’t want to do anything, but is now going for a meal with his in laws - why? Does he want to, feel obligated? Is the ops mum controlling, does he feel he had to go. After all it’s his birthday

@Cranky17 My DM really wouldn’t mind (prefers me to be independent, happy to help us out but will be very glad when we’ve moved out) which is why I think she didn’t realise what reaction my PiL might have to it. I don’t think my DH did either so he’s learnt to communicate a bit better next year.

I think your parents are being unreasonable by not wanting his parents there tbh.

My DS1 is 28 on Tuesday, we always spend family birthdays together and as a mother his birthday is very important to me, remembering the day he came into the world, looking into his surprisingly knowing eyes and wondering if I was up to the task of being his mother.

I wonder how your mum would react if you went for dinner with your in laws rather than her in your birthday. It’s easy to paint in laws as controlling people but often I think they just want to be included

I totally agree with this.

Easy to think your own parents are faultless in this situation.

Did I read correctly that your parents organised this? Not you, but them? Hmmm.

There's no way I'd have my parents upset, in favour of my PILS.

It's all a bit pathetic. Where does the FIL get off 'lecturing' his son?

If it were me not getting home until late, I'd be very happy with a quiet pub dinner with whichever loved ones happened to be nearby.

Your DH needs to grow up and tell his parents he'll see them and celebrate at the weekend while you're staying there anyway.

Honestly I think if the situations were reversed (OP lives with in laws, MIL arranged OPs bday dinner and OP wants to see her parents instead) then I think you would be getting different responses.

It’s very rare in my family that we celebrate special days on the actual day due to DHs job so I am very much in the ‘just do a special day when you can’ camp. But if the OPs DH wants to see his parents on his birthday then why shouldn’t he?

Would OP be slagged off a called a mummy’s girl for wanting to see her parents on her birthday ?

Your child's birthday will always be special. But you don't have to be together for it to be special - especially when you know you get to plan a bloody lovely birthday meal/party/whatever 3 or 4 days later.

'I wonder how your mum would react if you went for dinner with your in laws rather than her in your birthday.'

The point is that this couple have the somewhat unusual living arrangement of living with her parents in the week, and his at the weekend. It doesn't seem unreasonable to me for them to celebrate with the people whom they're living with at the time. It's not that he's leaving his parents out; just celebrating with them on a day that's easier for him. And since it's HIS birthday, why should they be demanding that it be on their terms? If he went out with the ILs on his Mum's or Dad's birthday, then I could see why his parents would be offended. His own birthday: up to him.

And yes, my Mum (with whom I had a very close relationship and was in daily touch with) would have fully accepted my choice of what to do on my own birthday. She did accept my desire not to celebrate it at all! We did other things together.

@SANDY2YK They’re perfectly happy for them to be there which I mentioned further up, his parents want it to just be ‘family’ roast type thing at theirs.

Would OP be slagged off a called a mummy’s girl for wanting to see her parents on her birthday ?
Agree, these mummysboy comments are unnecessary and mean imo.

And since it's HIS birthday, why should they be demanding that it be on their terms? If he went out with the ILs on his Mum's or Dad's birthday, then I could see why his parents would be offended. His own birthday: up to him.

But it’s not up to HIM is it, he doesn’t want to do anything.

I think tbh he was quite happy to do nothing on his actual bday as he won’t be home till 7.30 and has to be up at 6

So it’s not up to HIM, Op mum has arranged a dinner for. So I can see why op in laws might be a tad upset by it.

Cranky they want to travel an hour each way after work - that's the problem.

Sorry that should read they want him to travel. Why can't they?

But it seems OP's husband only wants to spend it with his parents after they've given him grief.

Perhaps his MiL thought it would be nice to go out and made a suggestion to do so. I'm sure she didn't hold a gun to his head. If he hadn't fancied it, then he'd have surely said "no thanks, I'll be too tired from work".

And suggesting a meal out at the local pub is hardly being controlling.

Based on everything you've said, OP, you are not being unreasonable to go ahead with your low key plans with your parents who were just being nice to suggest marking the day since you're living there at the moment.

Your DH's parents are being ridiculous You've already said you'd see them at the weekend. Tell them you're bringing cake and drinks to celebrate if you must.

Cranky if he really didn't want to do anything I'm sure he would have turned down the offer of dinner at the local pub. So yes, it is up to him that he accepted an invitation to dinner from his in-laws.

Cranky they want to travel an hour each way after work - that's the problem

And I completely understand why they don’t want to and they don’t have to..
but my point is I can understand why the in laws are upset.

dh doesn’t want to do anything his birthday - sorry mum we’ll see you at the weekend, it’s a long way to come to yours and I’m tired.

But now ops mum has organised dinner and now they are going along rather than not doing anything, it’s hardly going to be an early night.

My point is I can understand why his family might be upset, and often in laws are painted as controlling when really just want to be included.

Cranky tbh I don't see popping to the local for dinner as taking much organisation, and the in-laws are invited. They've declined, stating they want it to be "just family" at theirs. That to me doesn't really say that they're genuinely bothered about seeing their son on his birthday. They simply want their own way, otherwise they'd accept the invitation, join him at the pub then have their family celebration at the weekend.