To think that a 32yo man doesn’t have to spend his bday with his parents?

[Emma090]

My DH and I are living with my parents in the week and his parents at the weekend while we wait to move into our first house (just exchanged).

DH’s birthday is next Wednesday. DH works long hours and won’t be home that early, so my parents offered to take us out for dinner locally. We assumed we’d celebrate with DH’s parents when we see them at the weekend as they live about an hour away.

DH’s parents have just suggested we go out for dinner (local to them) on Wed, but DH has told them (not as tactfully as he perhaps could have done tbh) our plans as above. They got very upset and FIL has just finished lecturing my DH about how much he has hurt his mother etc.

DH is now saying we should cancel on my parents and spend it with his instead. AIBU to think that this all a bit ridiculous?

I am one who thinks I would be upset if my child said they wanted to spend their birthday with p'n'law and not me. I suspect your parents were being kind in offering - I also suspect they would understand if the plans were changed.

Lots of people are saying his parents are being controlling - but are they? Did they insist you change? Their feelings were hurt - and they told him. People can't help their feelings but I see a bigger problem if they can't tell their own son how they feel. Your hubby has decided to change plans - so its you being controlling if you don't let him do what he wants on his birthday.

To everyone saying they don't see their parents on their birthday, how would you feel about your own child, the one you gave birth to not seeing you on their birthday? It is not only a memorable day for your child but also you.

Geographically I lived almost 4 hours from my parents so could not see them if my birthday fell on a weekday but did go and see them on the weekend.

The way he phrased it is bound to be a bit upsetting to his parents but also they are being unreasonable as he will see them at the weekend and is staying over.

Quite lovely to have both sets of parents wanting a meal with him. I didn't have that kind of relationship with my ILs until about 7 years into my marriage (10 years into my relationship with Dh)

So now, because he didn’t think to frame this in a tactful way, he’s panicking because mummy is upset and daddy has got on his case, so his solution is so be a) be rude to his PIL and uninvite himself from a previously arranged meal, and b) put you in a difficult position with everyone in the situation.

This is what I can’t stand about men who can’t deal with mummy, mostly, and daddy, being cross or upset. They always want everyone else in the situation to be okay with rudeness and unreasonable expectations, just so they don’t have to feel uncomfortable (because that’s what it’s really about).

Why are you even involved in where he spends his birthday? He should spend it where he wants and naturally I'd imagine he'd prefer his own parents

She’s his WIFE . And why do you assume he would rather spend it with his parents?

Some of the responses on here are so strange. He’s an adult, he’s working long hours and would rather see them at the weekend when he has time to celebrate properly.

The ILs are being U and only thinking about themselves. Weirdly possessive and selfish.

We live about 1 hour from my ILs. My husband has never spent his birthday with his parents. We usually see them at the weekend near his birthday. It’s just too far for a week day.

I suspect the entire problem was his delivery. If he’d said ‘That would have been lovely, but we wouldn’t get to you until at least 9 & by the time we’ve had dinner & driven back it’s going to be too late when I have to leave for work early on Thursday. I’d far rather celebrathe with you at the weekend when we can have a much more relaxed time’ his parents might have still been a bit disappointed but not quite so upset. Instead I expect he just waded in & said something tactless like ‘No, can’t do that, Emma’s Mum & Dad are taking us out for dinner at my favourite pub’

🙄

He needs to ring his Mum, apologise for upsetting her and just explain that it’s too far and too late mid week, that he’s looking forward to celebrating with them at the weekend.

YOU need to ask him why he thinks it’s ok to ditch your parents, to appease his mother, to do something that doesn’t suit you or him because he’s upset his mum by being a tactless twat.

I'd rather spend my birthday with my parents than my in laws. I'd suggest meeting half way.

YANBU and I’m really surprised more people aren’t saying that but obviously it depends on an individual family and how they celebrate birthdays whether the ‘actual day’ matters. In ours, we don’t care, it’s when we can all be together and enjoy it.
He chose the weekend so he would have energy and enjoy it. Totally understandable. I’d say to his parents that the meal in the week isn’t even a proper celebration, they are welcome to join but you’ll still see them at the weekend as well.

To everyone saying they don't see their parents on their birthday, how would you feel about your own child, the one you gave birth to not seeing you on their birthday? It is not only a memorable day for your child but also you.

Errr...when my children become adults they are free to decide how to spend THEIR birthday. No point throwing strops and guilting people into doing what you want.
But I seem to be in the minority here.

His parents are behaving like babies and guilt tripping their son. I'd rather my child choose to come and see me than have to guilt trip them into doing so.

It's midweek too, so not even practical especially if you're going to see them at the weekend as well! I feel had for your husband being trapped like this.

Neither my mum or my OH's folks would behave like this because it is not normal.

Because I'm a bit bitchy I would give them a choice now. See them midweek for a quick and hurried meal where you will basically not be sticking around. And then go and do something else on the weekend and they will not get to see you.

They can come over for a shared meal.

Or wait a couple of days and have a nice relaxed meal with some qt together.

Frankly, as a 32 year old married man who has to live with his in laws, id want to go out on my own with my wife on my birthday. If it was a choice between seeing my parents and my in laws, Id choose my parents. Why arent you going out by yourselves? He isnt your parents son, why do they want to spend his birthday with them? i get a card and a cheque from my MiL on my birthday, as does my DH from my parents!

@ittakes2 surely it's more to do with the timing and practicalities of his parents being an hour away and him working long hours? It's hardly a choice between one set of parents and the other. I'm assuming the weekdays with one set and weekends with the other is because of proximity to respective workplaces.

I didn't see my DD on her 21st because she was 250 miles away at university. I didn't for a second think that she "chose" her friends over me!! I respect her "choices" given the distance, and the small fact that she's an adult rather than a possession.

But OP's husband isn't necessarily choosing his in-laws over his own parents, it's more that they're the more practical option, due to work/distance etc.

Plus, if it was really about the in-laws wanting to see their son in his birthday, then they'd happily have accepted the invitation to join OP, her husband and her parents. Instead they're kicking off and demanding it's just them and it has to be the OP and her husband who travel. That sounds more like people who simply want their own way.

Out of curiosity @Emma090 what are the usual arrangements for birthdays?

Sounds like the poor bloke just wants some peace! You’re all fighting over him like some prized possession!

I don’t care if my kids decide to celerbrate with their partners or friends and I have done so for years!! Can’t remember the last time I did anything with family on my birthday - how ridiculous

I’m not sure it actually was his delivery. People like that are weirdly possessive anyway and don’t really understand that when a man has a wife, that that is now where his priority lies, and where it should be. They are childish, selfish and entitled and would likely be upset no matter how it was phrased.

And my children are both grown up now. I think of them fondly on the day, see them on their birthdays if that is how it works out, but otherwise we can speak on the phone on the day, or near to it, wherever suits them or us best. I wouldn’t dream of demanding that they come see mummy because mummy needs to be the main priority on their special day!

i think a meet halfway suggestion is an excellent idea.

I think meeting halfway is an excellent tides too.

Idea!

I don’t think so, personally. It’s just rewarding their selfishness and entitlement and letting them know that a guilt trip will work to their advantage every single time from now on.

But I despise it when people try to manipulate me, so maybe I’m being a little bit harsh.

I think birthday norms are one of those things that really differs between families.

In my family the norm is that it's very important to send a card, but that's about it. Presents, meals, parties etc are just for children really. It's no big deal, but Christmas is all about multiple get togethers and presents.

In DP's family birthdays are very much a family event with a set routine of all (adult) siblings and partners around to the parents' house, ceremonial present-opening, cake, song etc. and it must be on the actual day. It's very much about keeping the parents happy.

How would the PP on here who always see their adult DC on their DC’s birthday feel if their DC decided one year to either spend their birthday solely with their partner or their mates?

I would like to think that once DC is an adult and is absolutely free to choose who he spends his birthday with, I would accept his wishes and not throw a strop if he didn’t want to spend it with me. I can’t imagine that he would want to spend every birthday with me, and I think I would have partly failed as a parent if he couldn’t be independent enough to spend it with other people, at least once in a while.

People like that are weirdly possessive anyway and don’t really understand that when a man has a wife, that that is now where his priority lies, and where it should be

This. I think a lot of problems can be solved when your new family takes priority over your old family.

I didn't see ds on his birthday for six years, from age 17, as he was boarding at sixth form in the UK, and then was he was at university.

My Mum hasn't seen me on my birthday every year as we lived 180 miles apart from when I was 20, and then further as she lived abroad for a couple of years, and then I moved abroad in 06 to follow dh.

Dh was often at sea or working elsewhere on my birthday.

The OPs pils need to get over it.

He needs to decide what he would like to do for his birthday. Then do it.
OP if you’re newly married and about to move into your first home then you both need to set a precedent. Or the rest of your life will be you being guilt tripped into doing things you don’t want to.