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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that a 32yo man doesn’t have to spend his bday with his parents?

247 replies

Emma090 · 18/04/2019 07:00

My DH and I are living with my parents in the week and his parents at the weekend while we wait to move into our first house (just exchanged).

DH’s birthday is next Wednesday. DH works long hours and won’t be home that early, so my parents offered to take us out for dinner locally. We assumed we’d celebrate with DH’s parents when we see them at the weekend as they live about an hour away.

DH’s parents have just suggested we go out for dinner (local to them) on Wed, but DH has told them (not as tactfully as he perhaps could have done tbh) our plans as above. They got very upset and FIL has just finished lecturing my DH about how much he has hurt his mother etc.

DH is now saying we should cancel on my parents and spend it with his instead. AIBU to think that this all a bit ridiculous?

OP posts:

Original poster

Emma090 · 18/04/2019 09:08

@harriethoyle I didn’t arrange for him to see my parents on his bday. He wasn’t planning to do anything as it’s a weeknight, it was getting quite close to his bday (about 8-9 days before) and PIL hadn’t mentioned anything. We live with my parents, so my DM just thought it would be nice to mark it, but with something low-key, so she suggested it to him.

OP posts:

outpinked · 18/04/2019 09:08

He’s an adult, he can decide what he wishes to do on his own birthday. I can understand his Mother being upset that he’s spending it with his wives parents instead of his own though. I know he’s 32 but birthdays never stop being important to some Mother’s.

Notonthestairs · 18/04/2019 09:09

And I don't think I spent a birthday with my parents after the age of 18. We were very close and always did something special together to mark it but it never needed to be on the day itself.
I'll assume the same for my children - and raise a g&t to them at home.

ddl1 · 18/04/2019 09:09

'Odd IMO to have dinner out with his in laws on his birthday rather than just go out as a couple.'

The point here is that they are living with her parents. It's not like making a special arrangement to meet them on that day.

Exhausted18 · 18/04/2019 09:11

Invite them to join you in the pub you were originally going to go to and if they refuse, tell them nicely that it's a shame and you will see them at the weekend. None of this pandering meet them half way rubbish. Do they not care they are putting pressure on their son or that he has long hours to work or is it only their feelings about it that matter? Honestly, some people. My partner's parents came around to my house with flowers, a card and some homemade bread on my birthday (I was on my own with infant DD). They stayed for a good two hours, we had tea and a great chat. I couldn't see my mother who lives further away. When I told her, she was delighted that someone had been so kind to her daughter on her birthday. Because she's lovely and normal and not self-obsessed. He's 32 not 5!!

MrsFassy · 18/04/2019 09:11

@Emma090 Thanks.

So there's no tradition in place as someone previously suggested. Like I said if it was truly about wanting to spend time with their son on his birthday then the in-laws would travel to him, as that would be the easiest, most sensible solution. The fact they want it to be just them, speaks volumes. As does the fact they expect their son to drive a two hour round trip after being at work for 13 hours and having to be up for work so early the next morning to do, I presume, another 13 hours.

Yabbers · 18/04/2019 09:12

but i do feel that a birthday is important to the person that gave birth as well as the person that was born
But surely by the time you’ve had 32 of them it’s not important to do that on their actual birthday and most normal adults accept that “we’ll do it at the weekend” is the solution. To travel an hour for dinner when you don’t finish til 7.30 then back again when you’ve to be up for work the next day seems like a really unreasonable request.

Onetimenamechangey · 18/04/2019 09:14

What time would you get there? Is it really practical to get to them mid week for dinner?

churchthecat · 18/04/2019 09:14

What does he want, as it's HIS BIRTHDAY? And I dont mean what does he think he should do to keep the peace with PIL.

If he wants an easy night going to his local pub for a chilled dinner, having worked late and having to get up early, then PILs should be the ones to travel. He shouldn't be the one to be inconvenienced by driving on his own birthday.

I say tell PIL they're welcome to join you at your local.

Aprillygirl · 18/04/2019 09:15

YANBU to think this is ridiculous OP. Is your husband an only child/son by any chance because he sounds like a bit of a mummy's boy. I have children in there early/mid 20's, and sometimes we do things together on their birthdays and sometimes they do things with their friends or partners. I just want them to do what makes them happy on their special day, and definitely not to feel pressured to spend time with mummy

ciderhouserules · 18/04/2019 09:19

To everyone saying they don't see their parents on their birthday, how would you feel about your own child, the one you gave birth to not seeing you on their birthday? It is not only a memorable day for your child but also you. - oh stop with the emotional blackmail! MY child can see whomsoever he wants to, on HIS birthday; he is not my property.

It's the same at christmas - so many posts from people agonising over how to fit in visits to ALL the family, on both sides, in ONE day, so that no one feels put out!

It's one day of the year. So long as it's celebrated - who cares? Do what your DP wants, on HIS birthday, and everyone else's emotional neediness comes second.

Chocolate1984 · 18/04/2019 09:20

I would have organised a birthday meal for him with his own parents. I would never arrange a birthday meal for my husband with my parents and not considered his family.

I can see why his parents at hurt being excluded from their sons birthday.

If this was a MIL post everyone would think your parents were out of order.

thebabessavedme · 18/04/2019 09:21

cider - the voice of reason I cannot imagine putting my child through so much crap over a fucking birthday.

NataliaOsipova · 18/04/2019 09:21

Wanting to see your adult children on their birthday to the point of getting upset and angry if that doesn’t happen is ridiculous and really rather pathetic.

Sorry - I completely agree with this. And I’d say to stamp it out now.....imagine the fuss about nothing you’re going to get if there are grandchildren involved. He’s not 7, FFS.

Notonthestairs · 18/04/2019 09:22

They are not being excluded. They can drive to him and met in the pub. I imagine it would make his life a lot easier.

PregnantSea · 18/04/2019 09:23

I think it really depends on your family. I would find that very oppressive and weird but then my family are very casual with birthdays - for example I usually call my mum on her birthday and always send her a card in the post so she gets it on the day, but in terms of meeting up and giving her a present etc we tend to just do that whenever is convenient for everyone. When I lived near her it would be as close to her birthday as possible, since she'd normally be on holiday with her husband for the week of, but now I've moved another country we don't really bother much with birthdays apart from the phonecall and a card. If I visit the UK I always go and see her and we just spend time together then.

I know some people have very close families who always spend birthdays together. Sounds like your DH comes from one of these. In which case yes, I do think he should try and see his parents on his birthday because obviously that's the precedent that's been set, so it is a shock to his parents to be rejected. Especially seeing as how he's spending his birthday with his MIL. That will rub salt into the wound.

thebabessavedme · 18/04/2019 09:25

ffs, he is working late, up early, its mid-week and he is living with his in-laws and he is 32.

wanders off shaking her head

Hadjab · 18/04/2019 09:27

@FineWordsForAPorcupine

My husband and I divided our time between my mum’s during the week and his parents at the weekend whilst we saved up for our house. This wasn’t to make anyone happy, rather to save money, not remotely weird.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 18/04/2019 09:34

I'm about an hour away from my parents and live about 10 minutes away from ILs so I normally see MIL on my birthday and often my parents would mark mine at a weekend somewhere near mine when we could get up to see them. If my ILs decided to take us out for a low key meal on my birthday and my parents kicked up a fuss over it whilst demanding I went midweek to theirs I'd tell them to get over themselves.

Would be a different matter if that was a deviation from the normal way things are handled, but from your updates it doesn't seem like DP would normally have spent his birthday with them anyway.

Dahlietta · 18/04/2019 09:35

For those just reading the thread title, I'm not sure there is any evidence that they would have been upset if their son had just said, "No thanks, parents, I'm really busy at work so I'm doing nothing on my birthday/having a quiet one with OP and I'll see you at the weekend". I would have thought that the problem is that, now that he's finally living close enough for them to see him on his birthday, he's turned down their offer not for these reasons, but because he's going out to dinner with his in-laws, with whom he lives all the time anyway. I'm not saying that makes their reaction okay and of course he can do whatever he likes on his birthday, but I can see how it could be a little hurtful if that's the way it was presented.

MrsFassy · 18/04/2019 09:39

Chocolate the OP and her husband planned to celebrate with his parents at the weekend when they'd have more time. OP also didn't arrange the birthday meal, her mother suggested it to the OP's husband, who agreed. I'm sure if he didn't want to go he would have said so. And they're not "excluding" his parents. They were invited to join them at the pub, but are demanding it just be them, closer to their home.

SerenaOverjoyed · 18/04/2019 09:51

I'm in my late 20s and I don't know anyone who sees their parents on their birthday. I'd never expect my DD to see me on her birthday as an adult. She might want to drink too much wine and have a dance with friends, or travel, or just celebrate locally with her OH. It's not my day.

There's obviously nothing wrong with seeing family on your birthday, but it's his day and everyone (including you and PIL) should work around your DH.

SerenaOverjoyed · 18/04/2019 09:53

I do usually see my parents and ILs on their birthday, because that is their day and they are both free and reasonable to make demands

IncrediblySadToo · 18/04/2019 10:02

In relation to his parents, and yours, where is the house you’ve bought?

LillithsFamiliar · 18/04/2019 10:03

I wonder if you're under-estimating how much your DH is enjoying spending the majority of the week with your parents. It sounds likely that he has framed it to his parents that your DM is trying to organise his birthday and so his parents have offered an alternative.
It's interesting that you see your DPILs as being controlling but seem oblivious to the fact that this entire situation resulted from your DM getting involved in 'organising' your DH's birthday.

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