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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that a 32yo man doesn’t have to spend his bday with his parents?

247 replies

Emma090 · 18/04/2019 07:00

My DH and I are living with my parents in the week and his parents at the weekend while we wait to move into our first house (just exchanged).

DH’s birthday is next Wednesday. DH works long hours and won’t be home that early, so my parents offered to take us out for dinner locally. We assumed we’d celebrate with DH’s parents when we see them at the weekend as they live about an hour away.

DH’s parents have just suggested we go out for dinner (local to them) on Wed, but DH has told them (not as tactfully as he perhaps could have done tbh) our plans as above. They got very upset and FIL has just finished lecturing my DH about how much he has hurt his mother etc.

DH is now saying we should cancel on my parents and spend it with his instead. AIBU to think that this all a bit ridiculous?

OP posts:

NameChange92 · 18/04/2019 08:26

yanbu his parents are being ridiculous

That being said -
Are his parents able to travel to you for his birthday? If so i’d invite them along with you and your parents on the day. And not engage in any further discussion about it, they’re invited, it’s their choice whether or not they accept that invitation.

If they aren’t able to travel to you i’d be tempted to go with natural consequences I.e. do what they want and go to them on his birthday, but leave to get home at the time you would have if you’d gone for dinner at the local pub, e.g. he gets home at 7.30, time for him to change + you drive an hour and arrive at 8.45-9, you spend 30mins and leave at 9.30pm.

If they complain you weren’t there very long then you calmly point out yes, that’s why you wanted to leave celebrating until the weekend as he has to work tomorrow. Then make really nice plans for a leisurely celebration with your parents at the weekend.

harriethoyle · 18/04/2019 08:31

I find it bizarre you are nonplussed that his parents want to see him on his birthday yet have arranged for him to see yours...

Acis · 18/04/2019 08:32

Not sure about this one. I would have no problem with my DC spending their birthdays with their partners rather than coming to us. I suspect I might be unhappy if they were spending time with their partners' parents rather than us.

ChuckleBuckles · 18/04/2019 08:36

I find it bizarre you are nonplussed that his parents want to see him on his birthday yet have arranged for him to see yours...

They all live in the same house so bound to bump into each other I would have thought.

Your DH has set you up to fail here OP by his lack of tact, you will be at fault with the il's if he doesn't go now on Wednesday because of your "interfering" parents having the nerve to think they could take out their SIL for a birthday meal , and if he bins off your DP it will make life very awkward around the breakfast table on Mondays to Fridays.

lablablab · 18/04/2019 08:39

His parents are being unreasonable to expect him to drive an hour over to them and an hour back on his birthday after a long day at work!

It's his birthday, not theirs. I think they're being ridiculous, mean-spirited and selfish.

If they really must see him on his birthday, then they can come to him. Invite them to dinner. He can explain he hadn't realised how important it was to them to celebrate on the actual day (wtf?!) but he has a late finish and an early start so he really needs to stay local.

Speak to your parents about doing dinner with them another night, if they wouldn't mind, to keep the peace.

Do you plan to have dc? I can see some batshit in law behaviour coming for the future...

diddl · 18/04/2019 08:41

I don't think that he should cancel having accepted, but I suppose I find it a bit odd that your parents didn't think that just the two of you might want to go out.

AspergersMum · 18/04/2019 08:43

YANBU and this topic is hilarious. I didn't realise how invested people are in their birthday - I thought that stopped around age 12, except for perhaps 18th, 40th, 80th where it seems more customary to celebrate with family and friends.

IfNotNowThenWhy · 18/04/2019 08:45

To everyone saying they don't see their parents on their birthday, how would you feel about your own child, the one you gave birth to not seeing you on their birthday? It is not only a memorable day for your child but also you.

Um..if he was 32 and married I don't think I'd expect to see him on his birthday!
And no, birthdays belong to the person whose birthday it is NOT the person who gave birth!

Having said that, why is everyone saying the MIL is making a fuss? OP said it was the FIL making a fuss ( just because he said "your mother is upset doesn't mean she is!)
OP-yanbu. Stay in and get a takeaway or just go locally the two of you.

WeeDangerousSpike · 18/04/2019 08:45

Yanbu.

If it's so important for them to see him on his birthday, then given the circumstances they need to travel to see him. I doubt very much they make all the effort on their birthdays - I bet he has to travel to them because its their birthday. Works two ways.

Absolutely not reasonable to be travelling like that between shifts so close together. Just not practical.

As for PP with he can leave work early Ffs! You're his boss are you? What if he's a surgeon. GP. Bus or train driver. Bin man. Carer. Anyone who works alone in a shop. Or just works in the real world in any number of roles where you can't just sod off when you feel like it?!

I suspect his delivery has aggravated the sitiluation, OP. but tbh his parents taught him his manners

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 18/04/2019 08:46

Why are you not just the two of you going? Odd that either of you would want anyone's parents there for a birthday meal out.

LillithsFamiliar · 18/04/2019 08:46

His original plan of not doing anything would probably have worked well. It's become an issue because that changed to going out with your parents.
You're adding to the bickering tbh by framing it as he 'has to spend it with his parents'. He wanted to do nothing. When it became a choice between ILs or parents, of course he chose parents.

kateandme · 18/04/2019 08:48

he had more energy and time to celebrate properly with them. But they are insistent on spending his actual bday with him

could he say this to them.you know then it might placate this type of mother and make her feel he is actually choosing them.could he maybe say he was looking forward to going to so and so loally at the weekend.
talk to your dp and let him knw whatever he wants to do is fine.but he is coming home from work probably close to knackerd so he needs to do what he WANTS to do not for others.

tashac89 · 18/04/2019 08:52

Christ. DP's parents are at a festival every year on his birthday and we're on a kid free weekend in London. He sees them before going, I don't understand the issue.

Missingstreetlife · 18/04/2019 08:53

Presume you could go to theirs from work and stay afterwards. No law says you have to go to your parents first even if you usually do. That's not the point, they are being daft.

HoraceCope · 18/04/2019 08:54

i imagine the op dh said yes to the meal offer because her parents are paying? or just why not have a meal tbh?
he was unfortunately tactless and his own parents took offence.
not the end of the world.

ineedaholidaynow · 18/04/2019 08:58

I must admit I can’t see why OP and DH just don’t go out together for his birthday. I would have thought as they have no time apart from living with parents (either hers or his) it would be nice to just have some couple time.

Original poster

Emma090 · 18/04/2019 09:00

@MrsFassy

Before this year, we lived about 5 hours away, DH saw them about 3x a year, and not usually on his bday. Before we were together, he saw them less often.

OP posts:

BobBobBobbingAlong · 18/04/2019 09:00

His parents sound like dicks. His mother getting upset over not seeing someone on their actual birthday and having to wait until the weekend is just bizarre. And then getting your husband to lecture your adult child about his wrongness is pathetic.
He may have been tactless but they shouldn't behave like toddlers.

Loopytiles · 18/04/2019 09:02

DH is U for being so passive about his birthday wishes. Lots of people work long hours: doesn’t mean we can’t also do normal “life admin”.

OP seems a bit passive too.

Odd IMO to have dinner out with his in laws on his birthday rather than just go out as a couple.

A bit off, when the in laws were attending, not to invite his parents and suggest a venue half way in the first place. Having been invited, the parents are U to make a fuss.

ineedaholidaynow · 18/04/2019 09:03

Oh OP I suppose it is the novelty factor and the fact that he is going out with your parents this year that has hit a nerve. Could they come to the meal on Wednesday?

I assume you have moved to be closer to parents?

Saracen · 18/04/2019 09:04

Well, I think the principle of your DH not necessarily spending his birthday with his parents is fine. But he's known them for 32 years and presumably could have anticipated that this is what they would expect. In which case he could have thought about how to break the news gently that this was not the plan this year. Sounds like he was rather rude to them. That isn't on, especially as they're being kind enough to let the two of you stay with them every weekend.

But it's crazy that your DH is now responding by letting you and your parents down in order to fix things with his own parents. I think it should be adequate for him to give them a proper apology and ensure he spends some time with them at the weekend.

ddl1 · 18/04/2019 09:04

I don't think you're unreasonable at all. I think the whole idea of 'it must be on the DAY!', however much trouble it causes the person who's supposed to be celebrating, is very unreasonable. It's not as though he's not going there at all. And it makes perfect sense that the weekend is a better time. Under the circumstances, your dh should probably just have stuck to the 'working day versus weekend' issue, and not mentioned tea with your parents, as this seems to have sparked off a 'us versus the in-laws' jealousy on the part of his parents. You have invited them; they have turned it down; now it is up to them and your dh to deal with it. Best for you not to get involved any further, or you and perhaps your parents will become the 'bad guys' in their arguments.