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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be concerned about ExDH’s MUCH younger girlfriend

212 replies

Fpsb · 17/04/2019 18:13

Recently divorced after 20 years of marriage with 2 DC. ExDH and I are both 45. He’s a very high earner (investment banking) in the city. As his success grew over the years, so did his ego and inflated sense of self worth, which lead to our divorce. He’s recently got in to a relationship with 25 year old model type and in just the few months they have been together, he’s funded a number of extremely lavish holidays, weekend breaks and has showered her with high end gifts. According to DC1 the latest included a Rolex. In such a short space of time, he’s done more and bought more for his new girlfriend than we ever did in 20 years of marriage!

Whilst ExDH is a good looking man and in good shape for his age, I’m rather perplexed as to what (other than money) a very attractive 25 year old young woman would be looking for in a man 20 years her senior..... Hmm I’d been merrily minding my own business until I hear via the DC that not only is he spending enormous amounts of money on said girlfriend, he is now intending to propose. ExDH has a large sum of money put away for the DC (most of which he earned whilst I was at home looking after the DC) and a number of assets which the DC are due to inherit in the near future. He has clearly fallen head over heels for this young and very attractive woman. AIBU in thinking that she is going to take this silly fool for all he has?! I worry that by the time he realises this, it’ll be all too late and the DC could be left with nothing!

OP posts:
Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 17/04/2019 18:16

He's not that old, she's not a teenager.

Nothing you can do.

Slarti · 17/04/2019 18:16

Concerned because she's younger than him? Concerned because he's spending his own money in a way he has chosen to? What does her age actually have to do with it? In fact what does any of it have to do with you?

Honeyroar · 17/04/2019 18:17

There's nothing you can do about it, and you're probably the last person that he would listen to anyway.

Barbie222 · 17/04/2019 18:17

If he has money "put away for the dc", isn't it in savings accounts or similar under their name?

If he just has lots of money which you assumed he was going to pass on to them, I can see that you are disappointed but maybe he did not feel the same about the assets.

What did your financial settlement say?

IncrediblySadToo · 17/04/2019 18:19

In fact what does any of it have to do with you?

Because he appears to be throwing away the money they built up as a couple so they and their children had some security. St a guess.

Nnnnnineteen · 17/04/2019 18:19

Was it Mrs Merton who asked Debbie McGee what she first saw in the millionaire Paul Daniels...?
Do not bother yourself with what he does and with whom. It's not your problem anymore. You cannot dress this up in terms of your children's future without the undertone of one of your sentences: more than we ever did in 20 years of marriage. Don't be jealous and let them crack on. He is your ex for a reason Flowers

werideatdawn · 17/04/2019 18:24

You sound really jealous OP and you're not even doing a great job of hiding it.
What if he'd fallen head over heels for a middle aged, average looking woman? His new girlfriend is no more likely to leave your children with nothing than any other woman would be. Was exDH supposed to stay single forever? This is all just weird.

TheFastandCurious · 17/04/2019 18:26

Why will they inherit it ‘in the near future’? Are you planing on killing him? Wink

He’s not the only silly one. I mean, I’m sure he’s not with her because of her sparkling personality and shared interest in origami.

How interested will he be once the wrinkles and weight start appearing? They are both getting what they want out of it.

I’d make as much provision for your kids as you can yourself.

ForalltheSaints · 17/04/2019 18:28

I hope the 25 year old has something between the ears as well as looks. I take it if you are invited to their wedding you will not go, even if your DC do.

As for what the 25 year old sees in him, it might not be just money- most 25 year old men are still quite emotionally immature. I think most people would have preferred the 45 year old me to the 25 year old me.

LemonTT · 17/04/2019 18:31

I am assuming the money accrued in the marriage has been split between the OP and her ex as part of a clean break. So it not “theirs” anymore it’s his and it’s hers to do with as they please.

The saga highlights once again why people in their 40s and 50s need or want to protect their assets in favour of their children rather than new partners. Plenty of examples of woman throwing their wealth and divorce settlement away on a new marriage to some cocklodger in need of security. This is just the other cliched example.

Lolatall · 17/04/2019 18:32

Yanbu, though you'll be told you are.

managedmis · 17/04/2019 18:32

No fool like an (almost) old fool

foodiefil · 17/04/2019 18:34

He's at his peak.

She's at her peak.

Annoying I know ...

Loopytiles · 17/04/2019 18:34

What she sees in him is primarily money.

IME some women without DC think non resident fathers who talk about how much they love their DC are good dads, and find that attractive, whether or not the men actually ARE decent dads.

Nothing you can do.

Loopytiles · 17/04/2019 18:34

He’s not “at his peak”.

Itsnotme123 · 17/04/2019 18:36

So when he’s 80 and has dodgy knees, failing health and unable to do things that his 60 year old wife wants to do, you’ll be saying ‘oh shame 🧐’

staydazzling · 17/04/2019 18:37

some of these responses are painfully right on, of course she's entitled to be concerned. what she can do about it though I don't know.

foodiefil · 17/04/2019 18:37

@Loopytiles

Yes tell me how the fit, attractive, wealthy man in his mid-40s isn't in his prime?

He won't have been this attractive at 25. Probably not even at 35.

ReanimatedSGB · 17/04/2019 18:38

It's not surprising that you feel that way but there is absolutely fuck all you can do. Well, assuming that you good good legal advice and a reasonable division of assets in the divorce, and he's not skimping on maintenance.

foodiefil · 17/04/2019 18:39

Also really hope you have an excellent maintenance plan in place so your children can enjoy a good life as well as his new gf!

Lolatall · 17/04/2019 18:39

Well he's at he's peak if you're after his money, which is exactly the ops concern.

I wonder if the model type 25 year old would've given him a second glance if he worked in the coop

Someoneonlyyouknow · 17/04/2019 18:40

Tell your DC to stop feeding you information about their father - I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that you are not interrogating them to get these details.
Are you, or the DC, suffering in any way? Struggling financially? Either the 'soon to be inherited' (?!?) assets are in trust and can't be spent by your ex or you are counting your chickens before they are hatched. If your DC lose out it will be a life lesson to them not to take things for granted and to make their own way.
Presumably they are both getting what they want out of the relationship as I hope you did for most of your marriage. Move on and don't look back.

foodiefil · 17/04/2019 18:41

I think men peak in their 40s.

They're often much more attractive than their younger selves. And more attractive than their older selves. Hence 'peak'.

Much more mature and 'together' and of course the money and gifts will appeal.

Will being stepmother???

SilverGoldBronze · 17/04/2019 18:42

I’m about your age and a few of my friends marriages have ended in recent years. Without exception, these newly single professional men have found younger girlfriends. It’s extremely common. My own exDH is currently dating someone 15 years younger than him.

There is no point in stressing about this because there is nothing you can do and giving the situation headspace will not do you any good. It’s hard, I know.

OKBobble · 17/04/2019 18:42

Any money that the kids are due to inherit - do you mean they have inherited and it is held in a trust for them until a certain age. If so, he can't touch that anyway - it is theirs.

Any money that became his after the divorce is his to do what he wants with. when it was accrued during the marriage it may have been earmarked for the kids uni funds or whatever but if it became his in the divorce it is now up to him to choose what to do with it in the same way any money or assets you got is for you to decide what to do with.

Would you feel the same way if it was a 45 year old woman or is it because she is 25 you have marked her down as a gold digging bimbo? Maybe he met her through work ie. she is an investment banker too with her own money and earning potential. Maybe he is handling her investments?

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