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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be concerned about ExDH’s MUCH younger girlfriend

212 replies

Fpsb · 17/04/2019 18:13

Recently divorced after 20 years of marriage with 2 DC. ExDH and I are both 45. He’s a very high earner (investment banking) in the city. As his success grew over the years, so did his ego and inflated sense of self worth, which lead to our divorce. He’s recently got in to a relationship with 25 year old model type and in just the few months they have been together, he’s funded a number of extremely lavish holidays, weekend breaks and has showered her with high end gifts. According to DC1 the latest included a Rolex. In such a short space of time, he’s done more and bought more for his new girlfriend than we ever did in 20 years of marriage!

Whilst ExDH is a good looking man and in good shape for his age, I’m rather perplexed as to what (other than money) a very attractive 25 year old young woman would be looking for in a man 20 years her senior..... Hmm I’d been merrily minding my own business until I hear via the DC that not only is he spending enormous amounts of money on said girlfriend, he is now intending to propose. ExDH has a large sum of money put away for the DC (most of which he earned whilst I was at home looking after the DC) and a number of assets which the DC are due to inherit in the near future. He has clearly fallen head over heels for this young and very attractive woman. AIBU in thinking that she is going to take this silly fool for all he has?! I worry that by the time he realises this, it’ll be all too late and the DC could be left with nothing!

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 17/04/2019 21:33

It’s just going to take me a bit of time to get my head around the fact that it may no longer happen

What may not happen op? There is nothing to suggest your children won't inherit from him. He will continue to earn, there is nothing to suggest the children aren't protected. In fact I'd assume as he's an investment banker he knows exactly what he's doing with money.

Aridane · 17/04/2019 21:34

What she sees in him is primarily money

Actually, in my mid 20s I preferred good looking men in their mid 40s to overgrown student types!!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 17/04/2019 21:34

When I was 25, I considered any 45 year old who tried to sweet talk me, a very creepy old fucker. And I didn’t give a fig how much money they had; I just wasn’t interested. I find it really strange that a young woman would want a middle aged man.

OP how about retraining for a new career?

Belenus · 17/04/2019 21:38

Only you can be the fullest intellectual version of yourself, for yourself, after your 40s, and whatever vision of yourself you have, it's unlikely to be reflected in male admiration.

Unlikely perhaps. But any admiration that does follow is more likely to be about you as a person, not so much what you look like. So if you do find it, it will be worth so much more.

Aridane · 17/04/2019 21:38

There isn’t anything you can do but try to mentally disattach and think about the presumably inane chatter ex DH is having to listen to with his new girlfriend

New girlfriend is 25, not 6 years old! Inane chatter?

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 17/04/2019 21:40

I wish people wouldn’t always pull out that old chestnut about Debbie McGee and Mrs Merton.
Debbie Mcgee met Paul Daniels in 1979 four years after his divorce from his first wife. They married in 1988 and were still married 20 years later when Paul Daniels died.
I don’t care now much money a man has it won’t substain a 30 year relationship.

Bluntness100 · 17/04/2019 21:42

This is totally confusing me. There is nothing to suggest because this woman is 25 she's not genuinely attracted to this man. The op herself says he's attractive, he's successful. Likely confident. There is nothing to suggest the woman is some form of idiot who talks inanely. She's not a small child. She's a grown woman.

And there is nothing to suggest the children aren't protected financially. The op has no idea what he is currently earning, he may have has a bonus or an increase in salary. He could likely be spending his own disposable income whilst still providing for his kids.

I don't understand the thought process that she must be a money grabber, and him some old perv. He's 45 not 95. She's 25 not 5.

Aridane · 17/04/2019 21:42

You need to write him a letter clearly stating he has to make sure his children's futures are taken care of before he starts the next chapter of his life

Just don't!!

NameChangeNugget · 17/04/2019 21:42

Now that’s magic

Aridane · 17/04/2019 21:47

I would try to protect your children's inheritance

You see, I just don't get this. But then maybe I don't come from a culture or mindset where inheritance is seen as an entitlement or something to work towards and build up.

Plus as another poster said, care ho,e fees will erode many inheritances

tinkywinky777 · 17/04/2019 21:48

I am feeling suffocated by the narrow minds of some women on here regarding age gaps in relationships.

It must be so tedious to lead such blinkered lives.

Rollindowntheroad · 17/04/2019 21:50

Just be smug in the knowledge that you know what is probably going on.

If they get married just say to your kids I wish them well. It will be sad if their inheritance is impacted but that will be his doing and not your responsibility.

Aridane · 17/04/2019 21:52

He's disappeared up his own arse
So common for men like this
Just focus on your own life, you can do nothing for this arrogant prick
He's getting his dick sucked by a 25yo model, she's got a rich man in good shape who probably doesn't quite look his age. So everyone's a winner in that scenerio. Until it all falls apart of course, when instead of sucking his dick, she's looking after a baby.
People are such cliches.

Hmm - a few bitter generalisations here. Projecting much?

Aridane · 17/04/2019 21:54

Let this good looking fit man in his 40s never date or marry or spend money. He must live a life of sober restraint and preserve all funds for the inheritance of the children of his first marriage.

justarandomtricycle · 17/04/2019 22:03

I don't understand the thought process that she must be a money grabber, and him some old perv. He's 45 not 95. She's 25 not 5.

Well quite. Two grown adults, they even have time to have a huge family if they want to. I had a relationship with this sort of age gap when I was around that age, and was perfectly capable of making my own decisions. The pathetic bitterness you see, and the insinuations that you are a whore that the older man is basically a pervert are pretty laughable. All grounded in "I am jealous because I feel bad about myself, and your happiness makes me feel judged so I'm going to rip you down".

Now I'm older, I try to avoid doing this myself, hopefully with some success.

LyingWitch said it perfectly. Almost nobody hates women like other women.

Onceuponacheesecake · 17/04/2019 22:10

From what you've posted it's not hard to see what she finds attractive op, sorry. I do find big age gaps weird but 25 and someone in their 40? Meh. He sounds wealthy, attractive and ambitious and he wants to spoil her. These things either fizzle out or he'll go on to become a dad again in his 50's. It goes either way IME.

Henrysmycat · 17/04/2019 22:11

This so much reminds me of the film, “It’s complicated” and I’ve seen it in real life. It might take a bit longer for you, OP, to get your life in order than him. Most likely, he’ll start a new life and he’ll be a new dad in his late-40’s, if not early-50’s. Then he’ll be back to square 1, because even tho, the new wife is young and pretty, it’s still a Groundhog Day of raising kids and mundane crap.
By then, your kids would be older and independent, you’d have a different career and life and you wouldn’t even dream doing the same.
You just have to make peace with the fact that your kids inheritance will be divided by a bigger number.

Thatsashame · 18/04/2019 02:21

My dh is 17 years older than me. Hes notbwealthy and im not a model type.... so i guess the age gap is ok for us Hmm

Greeborising · 18/04/2019 02:43

I can understand you being worried that your kids might lose out but basically it really isn’t your business what he does in his private life.
As long as he is financially supporting his children you have little say.
Your post does, however, come across as very bitter.
Again, understandable, but not very healthy.
Your ex is living the high life.
He’s going out with a model type 20yrs his junior and why not?
Whether it’s genuine or not really isn’t your concern
Let it go OP
The cold shouldn’t bother you anyway 😉

SandyY2K · 18/04/2019 03:01

but I have still not found employment after years of staying at home... so I’m far from wealthy. I did everything I could to ensure that ExDH could work all of the hours he needed to in order to progress and earn money for our children and our future.

Time and time again, women give up their careers and support their H to climb the career ladder.

A fit and good looking 45 year old, who has loads of cash will certainly be a catch for many women, including a 25 year old.

Although I don't think a 25 year old from a wealthy family who is doing well financially in her own right, would gravitate towards him.

It's even less likely if she wants kids...why would you want kids with an 'old' man when you're her age. He'll be old enough to be the grandfather if they have kids....and UF they do...he may leave everything to the wife in order to support their 'young kids'...while yours are more likely to be financially okay being older.

I've a friend who married an older man. Yes she loves him...but if he wasn't wealthy, she wouldn't have considered it.

He has 3 older kids and knowing my friend, she will make sure he has done a will and that their young kids have trust funds and are set up financially.

She got him to get his late teen DS to move out, because he was too messy.
Love and blindness can make men imparticular forget about DC and inheritance from their first marriage.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 18/04/2019 03:05

Two grown adults, they even have time to have a huge family if they want to.

Exactly - and that's why I do understand what the OP is worried about. I've witnessed this IRL and in the couple of cases I know (I'm friends with the second wives, don't know the first ones), the older children have been deprived of Dad's attention and money. It's not deliberate really, in both cases he's just focused more on his new family.

So, I get it, OP. It's not jealousy, it's the worry that your children's Dad won't put them first anymore. But, you still can and I think you should decide what you want to do and retrain. We're all going to be working longer than previous generations so you have at least the next 25 years to have a successful career. Go for it!

Seniorschoolmum · 18/04/2019 03:07

“Due to inherit in the near future”.

Op, he’s 45. He could live another 60 years!

He could have another four or five children.
Presumably you received a fair settlement when you divorced? And your ex pays maintenance on time?
So what he does with his other money is not your concern. Don’t waste energy thinking about it.

Monty27 · 18/04/2019 03:09

So long as he's paying his way for his DC's it's all good.
What he does with the rest of his money is up to him.
he sounds like an arsehole and you're best rid
Best of luck Flowers

Devilrocknroller · 18/04/2019 05:36

30 year age difference here! Don't be judgey. Some of us do find people's personalities attractive and age can be of no consequence. Also, it's his life.....

PregnantSea · 18/04/2019 05:43

It really is none of your business. You have no idea what kind of relationship they have because you aren't part of it. Just put it out of your mind. Maybe take up a hobby?