Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be concerned about ExDH’s MUCH younger girlfriend

212 replies

Fpsb · 17/04/2019 18:13

Recently divorced after 20 years of marriage with 2 DC. ExDH and I are both 45. He’s a very high earner (investment banking) in the city. As his success grew over the years, so did his ego and inflated sense of self worth, which lead to our divorce. He’s recently got in to a relationship with 25 year old model type and in just the few months they have been together, he’s funded a number of extremely lavish holidays, weekend breaks and has showered her with high end gifts. According to DC1 the latest included a Rolex. In such a short space of time, he’s done more and bought more for his new girlfriend than we ever did in 20 years of marriage!

Whilst ExDH is a good looking man and in good shape for his age, I’m rather perplexed as to what (other than money) a very attractive 25 year old young woman would be looking for in a man 20 years her senior..... Hmm I’d been merrily minding my own business until I hear via the DC that not only is he spending enormous amounts of money on said girlfriend, he is now intending to propose. ExDH has a large sum of money put away for the DC (most of which he earned whilst I was at home looking after the DC) and a number of assets which the DC are due to inherit in the near future. He has clearly fallen head over heels for this young and very attractive woman. AIBU in thinking that she is going to take this silly fool for all he has?! I worry that by the time he realises this, it’ll be all too late and the DC could be left with nothing!

OP posts:
Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 18/04/2019 05:50

When the bop said due to inherit in the near future, did she mean from a different relative who is older?

OP could do to explain that. Either her exh has inherited and will be giving some to the kids. Or they have inherited in their own, right from someone else. In which case he cant spend it.

noego · 18/04/2019 08:07

The man is insecure and full of fear if all he can do is throw money and this young thing. He is obviously frightened of losing her and his reputation because if it goes tits up he'll look a right twat. Not a good look when you're in a high flying job. It also smacks of financial control and is a bit sugar daddy-ish.
As for you OP all you can do is get your finances in order, do your will, make provision for your kids as best you can and move on.
If the kids want to approach him about their inheritance they have every right to do so.

crispysausagerolls · 18/04/2019 08:25

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

My comment was mean but also just based on my own bias - a family member is 50 and with a 29 year old and she is the most vapid, awful creature and none of us see wtf they see in each other/it’s mortifying going to venues with them because she turns up in knee high PVC boots and a mini skirt and thinks asking “what’s your favourite colour” is scintillating conversation. Bitchy of me, yes. But true.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 18/04/2019 08:30

25 isn't that young! I agree with PP who said that 25 year old men aren't on the whole attractive to me, and a 45 year old would be.

Are the DC still financially dependent? Are they going without? That would bother me though I'm not sure what you can do about it as presumably you thought there was a good chance of him remarrying

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 18/04/2019 08:34

You need to write him a letter clearly stating he has to make sure his children's futures are taken care ofbeforehe starts the next chapter of his life. And wish him well

Shock is this for real?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/04/2019 09:10

crispysausagerolls (I wish you'd change your username, every time I see it, I want one lots)
I get that. We all look at our own life experiences and reference what we know. You know someone like this. I do too but perhaps my circle's a bit wider or the people in it not so close to me that I feel aggrieved at family members being 'used', or perceiving them to be used.

I expect I'm going to get leapt on this but when I was 26 I'd just finished my MSc, part-time uni, had no science background, was given an 'try' to see if it worked as I was a secretary. I was just out of a terrible marriage and I worked bloody hard as I was still working full time.

If I was chattering inanely, then so were the 14 or so other men and women I was educating myself with.

The comments about this woman (not so much from you) are horrible and the women who make them, somehow 'less than' because anybody (man or woman) who can post as Kaddm did isn't even worth reading, in my opinion.

goes off in search of a sausage roll

outpinked · 18/04/2019 09:13

She’s attracted to his wealth and supposed power. Having said that, 45 isn’t massively old and 20 years isn’t a humongous age gap.

hsegfiugseskufh · 18/04/2019 09:24

or outpinked she might just like him for who he is, it is possible you know.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 18/04/2019 09:30

Unless the dc money was tied up legally as part of the divorce there’s fuck all you can do about it.. it’s his to spend as he wants. If he’d rather spend it on his new gf than put away for his dc, that’s up to him. Nothing to do with you, and you’ll sound like a jealous ex if you say anything to him. Keep out of it

Slarti · 18/04/2019 12:08

You have to wonder if the nasty comments about this couple would be made if it were the other way round - divorced woman finds new relationship and her ex DH wants to have a say in how she spends her money, cue MN calling her things like "arsehole" and "insecure", calling her new DP vapid and advising the ex DH to bide his time and enjoy it when his ex wife's relationship ends. Can't imagine it myself. Hmm

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 18/04/2019 12:13

Slarti of course they wouldn't. I even bet the age gap would be more of a 'dont worry about it, enjoy all the hot sex' thread.

Birdie6 · 18/04/2019 12:31

By the time he dies, your DCs could be middle-aged with lives of their own and no need for this "inheritance" which you talk about. Their father only has to leave them the legal amount - not money that he put aside years ago when things were very different. Talking about "their inheritance" is just not valid - an inheritance is what you get after someone dies, it isn't a given that they'll get anything at all, and they certainly shouldn't be made to think that they will. If he marries this woman she'll get half and his kids ( including any he has with her) would get the rest .

You can't control this situation at all - I'd suggest taking a big step back and letting him live his life while you live yours.

Luxembourgmama · 18/04/2019 13:58

He's a sad cliche. You'll be laughing when he's having toddlers in his 50s!

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 18/04/2019 14:12

The man is insecure and full of fear if all he can do is throw money and this young thing. He is obviously frightened of losing her and his reputation because if it goes tits up he'll look a right twat.

An awful lot of projection going on there!

As a young 20s man I used to get a bit grumpy and jealous when the attractive women in my peer group went off dating older men who seemed to have it all while most of my male mates were still living in fleapit flat shares while paying off student debts on a crappy salary. Although some of these women tried to pretend that they were drawn to these men because they were mature, intelligent and cultured or whatever but most were happy to admit that the relationship was just a fling and that both parties knew what the score was, namely that an attractive wealthy older man got the company of an attractive young woman and she got weekend breaks across your Europe, designer gifts and evenings at Londons swankiest venues.

hsegfiugseskufh · 18/04/2019 14:48

would any of you call a woman a sad cliché?

disgusting.

choli · 18/04/2019 15:09

*PlantPotParrot

would any of you call a woman a sad cliché?*
I'll say it. There are a number of sad cliches posting on this thread.

MsTSwift · 18/04/2019 15:16

Dh met a few chaps like this at his cycling club - he came back horrified as they confided that the hot new wives after a few years all wanted babies - no shit! So instead of taking delightful pre teens out to dinner and doing lots of cycling like dh is they are back to sleepless nights nappies and softplay. Hope dh wouldn’t bin me for a younger model but his peers experiences make that less likely Grin

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/04/2019 15:56

choli... aren't there just. Pathetic.

ChiaraRimini · 18/04/2019 15:59

The hot young new GF is totes a status symbol for the sad 40s man.
OP how old are the DC, I'd be thinking about having a friendly chat with their dad re plans for university finances/house deposits. You can't stop him blowing his cash on what he wants but if he has a sense of how much he needs to keep in reserve for them that might put the brakes on.
If you have daughters make sure they get a good education and never rely on a man to support them.
Apart from that I'd stay well out of it and maintain a dignified distance.
PS I have a new partner who is 4 years younger than me so not all men in their 40s are like this.

ChiaraRimini · 18/04/2019 16:03

And for those that say 40something men are better in the sack, you have got to be kidding me! Younger men are physically fitter, have much more stamina, faster "recovery" period, harder erections.

harrietpn · 18/04/2019 16:12

Ouch, i think the OPs concern is totally normal and I find it hard to believe that many people would truly not care about this situation.

OP, it seems like there is very little you can do to secure this money for your children. I think you need to be really practical and start preparing your children for a life without university funded or money for a deposit. I don't know how old your children are but at some point you need to be honest with them about their choices and opportunities (ie, working for a charity in London you will likely not be able to start even saving for a deposit until you are in your late 30s). It must be heart wrenching to see the future security taken away from your children, but they won't be the first for it to happen to and if they are wise it really won't affect their happiness or quality of life. When DC are 12 or 13 I think it would be ok to ask your ex-H if there is anything in a trust for your DC and say you want to know as part of discussions you'll be having with them about future choices.

A friend was a dreadful example to her DC about the level of lifestyle they could now afford and it's been disastrous. Both children expected to be fully set up, which never eventuated. Both children are now depressed to the point of not being able to work.

MsTSwift · 18/04/2019 16:25

Also trying to be positive I know several dc from wealthy backgrounds who never had the drive to do much or fulfil their potential because they knew they had the money anyway. Might be blessing in disguise re character development

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/04/2019 17:43

All these posters spouting on and on endlessly about 'future security taken away'... what are you on about?

Where has OP said that her children are NOT provided for? She hasn't, on the contrary, in her first post she says that "DH put aside money for the children'.

The children will not inherit anything (not in trust) until their father dies. By which time they will (hopefully) be adults, not children any longer, and forging a life and opportunities for themselves. I agree with Ariadne farther up the thread, I too was brought up to become self-sufficient and not so ill-bred as to hanker after or seek out inheritances.

I think this is an MN thing, navel-gazing and fantasy in equal measure, I don't know anybody like most of the posters above and thank fuck for that.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 18/04/2019 17:59

Hey, I ain't a sad cliché! Grin

Seriously though, children certainly can get pushed aside when a parent starts a new relationship/family unless the parent makes a concerted effort to reassure them that they're still the priority.

Perhaps this is what's happening here - age isn't really the issue, it's more that the OP's DC are noticing that their Dad is lavishing money and attention on his girlfriend, perhaps far more than he does with them?

That's bound to make them feel insecure. No info. on how the girlfriend is treating them either.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 18/04/2019 18:37

And for those that say 40something men are better in the sack, you have got to be kidding me! Younger men are physically fitter, have much more stamina, faster "recovery" period, harder erections.

So older women should be shagging younger men for good sex?

Also speak for your own experiences. Dp is mid 40s. He is as you describe young men above.