To be concerned about ExDH’s MUCH younger girlfriend

[Fpsb]

Recently divorced after 20 years of marriage with 2 DC. ExDH and I are both 45. He’s a very high earner (investment banking) in the city. As his success grew over the years, so did his ego and inflated sense of self worth, which lead to our divorce. He’s recently got in to a relationship with 25 year old model type and in just the few months they have been together, he’s funded a number of extremely lavish holidays, weekend breaks and has showered her with high end gifts. According to DC1 the latest included a Rolex. In such a short space of time, he’s done more and bought more for his new girlfriend than we ever did in 20 years of marriage!

Whilst ExDH is a good looking man and in good shape for his age, I’m rather perplexed as to what (other than money) a very attractive 25 year old young woman would be looking for in a man 20 years her senior..... I’d been merrily minding my own business until I hear via the DC that not only is he spending enormous amounts of money on said girlfriend, he is now intending to propose. ExDH has a large sum of money put away for the DC (most of which he earned whilst I was at home looking after the DC) and a number of assets which the DC are due to inherit in the near future. He has clearly fallen head over heels for this young and very attractive woman. AIBU in thinking that she is going to take this silly fool for all he has?! I worry that by the time he realises this, it’ll be all too late and the DC could be left with nothing!

Why are some posters so desperate to play amateur psychologist, bandying around terms that they just pluck out of the air?

What would you call a woman who has a preference for younger men then, CSIBlonde? A predator? Some creep with an Oedipal complex? I wouldn't, but then I don't feel the need to pretend to be able to diagnose.

There is a slew of double-standards applied that make no sense and then suddenly, when the sexes change, they revert so fast you could get whiplash. Bonkers!

OP...why did you not work for 20 years? That seems an awful long time to be a SAHM to me. What did you do before you had children?

People are being so hard on the OP. It'd be very hard to see your ex of 20 years get into a relationship with a much younger woman and dive head first into it. That's only natural.

Plus, if the OP was doing the same with a 25 year old man, planning on marrying him and getting so seriously involved I doubt people would be anywhere near as accepting

@Faeries it is none of the OP business who her ex-husband has a relationship with. Absolutely none. They are not married anymore.

The OP has her divorce settlement so she can do what she likes with her own money. Her ex-husband can do what he likes with his own money.

There are lots of ex-wives out there who have an issue with their ex-husband's new partners regardless of that new partner's age. However it is absolutely none of their business.

I was the new younger girlfriend in this scenario once although a 15 year age difference. I was absolutely drawn to his intelligence and personality and found him very attractive. He did buy me a lot of expensive gifts and holidays etc but aside from that I paid my way and we had a great couple of years together. Problem was I wanted to have kids and settle down and he already had his and didn’t want anymore so eventually we split and it was very hard. I suppose what I am saying is just because she is younger and attractive doesn’t mean she is just after his £££

Whether or not it's any of her 'business' doesn't change the fact that it would be hard to hear about and stomach. People aren't saints - it's normal to feel resentful or jealous under the circumstances the OP has described. Not saying she should do anything about it at all or that she has any place in commenting, just that I'm sure we can all understand how it might feel to be in her shoes and that venting about it on an internet forum is a perfectly understandable course of action

And as I said, if a 45 year old mother was behaving that way with a 25 year old man I'm sure people would have lots to say about it, and not much of it nice.

Why do you think Viagra exists if some of them don't have a problem?? You won't see the 25 year olds needing to pop it.

Imagine if someone came on here and spouted that older women weren't as good as younger women in bed because they might need more lube for dryness.

Faeries, of course it wouldn't be nice, because this is a site majorly comprised of women (who don't like other women much)... but then again, if said 45 year old woman was just having sex with this man she'd be back-slapped with a team of cheerleaders wanting the details. However, if said woman then decided to marry younger man then she could look out. She'd be told emphatically, "kids before cock". When said relationship breaks down said 45 year old woman will either be told "He wasn't actually your D'P, you've only been seeing him for 5 minutes" or sympathised with, possibly by the 'kids before cock' posters. I've seen it happen.

At least it's simpler with 45 year old men who were in a relationship (ever). They are just wrong, whatever they do. If the woman in the failed partnership posts here then inevitably, he is flawed and has failed.

Whiplash time again.. of course, it's fine if a woman wants to leave a relationship at any time for any reason, the cheerleaders plump up their pom-poms for just such an eventuality. If a man does it though? No. Mumsnet women say "NO".

It would be funny if it were a sitcom perhaps. Real life, not so much.

Expect you'll get a lot of nasty comments. I'm the dd of someone like the man you describe who you describes and its very complicated. You're maybe not the best person to talk to him but if he wants to leave anything to your dc he should put it in trust, it's expensive but works and hell avoid inheritance tax

People are being so hard on the OP. It'd be very hard to see your ex of 20 years get into a relationship with a much younger woman and dive head first into it. That's only natural.

Except that not what her problem is apparently. It's all concern that the kids may not inherit. Which might no happen anyway and is OP blowing it up to justify her problem with it.

And as I said, if a 45 year old mother was behaving that way with a 25 year old man I'm sure people would have lots to say about it, and not much of it nice.

Actually there have been quite a few threads on here about this lately. The majority post, supporting the OP. With quite a few women who claim to be in long term relationships with much younger men.

The odd poster may say they find it odd. But it overwhelmingly positive.

I havent seen one who has told the OP they have issues, sad, creepy etc.

@ChiaraRimini, I feel genuinely sorry for you if you think an 18 year old jumping all over you for oh, all of five minutes if you were lucky, would give you a more fulfilling sexual experience than a man who’s spent 30 years finding his way round a female body. How hard his cock is and how quickly he can go again are the least of it.

I began a relationship with a similar age gap at 25, however he was my best friend and despite what everyone said it wasn't his money interested me(luckily!). We are married almost 10 years now and have 2 living children. I don't see why you can't trust him to take care of his children's future simply because his new partner is younger

A lot of people seem to be convinced that the OP is just consumed with jealousy because the new girlfriend is younger.

I'm sure there's a touch of "meh" among her feelings, but surely it's obvious that her primary concern is for her children?! I'd be the same if DH and I split up and he got together with ANYONE, regardless of their age.

OK, she has no legal say in the matter, but it's quite normal to be concerned about a new partner when children are involved. All I'd want is for my children to come first with my ex and ANY signs that they were no longer coming first would worry me. Parents want the best for their DC, it's a natural instinct.

Anyway, this is getting boring.

No, amI - I don’t think it’s obvious. Jealousy, bitterness and resentment are what shine through (rather than an overriding concern for DC) - though who can blame her!

I've read this thread open mouthed! Seriously what's with the sourness?

If everyone involved is happy (and not just a bit jealous) then what's the problem? All this talk of inheritance etc is just tacky. My dps parents are spending their money hand over fist and rightly so, they deserve to enjoy life. My parents have saved every penny for their DC only to have most of it sapped away in care fees. I told them for years to enjoy what they have earned :(

Good on your ex, hopefully you can move on too. Bittertown should only be a weekend break destination rather than somewhere to emigrate too.

but surely it's obvious that her primary concern is for her children?! I'd be the same if DH and I split up and he got together with ANYONE, regardless of their age.

No its for her children's inheritance. Which they arent guaranteed anyway.

No its for her children's inheritance. Which they arent guaranteed anyway.

Whatever you think of inheritance, it's for parents to decide how they want to plan for what they leave for their children (or don't). If you establish a trust, then get a divorce and decide that what you'd ringfenced for your children is now yours, then probably that's going to cause quite a lot of upset. Would have thought that was obvious, really.

I’d just think he was a sad bastard chasing women young enough to be his daughter and that she has obvious issues. Never seen a relationship like this that wasn’t creepy and gross tbh.

OP, I understand completely how you feel and of course it would be galling to see your dc suffer financially; I separated in similar circumstances and absolutely get it.

However, your xh has a lifestyle and a job that suggests he is a smart man and astute with money. Surely he will make appropriate provision for his dc from his first marriage?

Mine remarried someone 15 years younger. I wasn't jealous of her, but it did sting because it felt like he'd traded up and was enjoying a fabulous life while I felt old and discarded, and it felt so unfair.

But he did seek legal advice, make a will and ensure that all of his assets would go to the right place on his death.

Basically he made provision for his new wife and for our dc, ensuring that his home would eventually reach our dc after both he and his wife pass.

It's complicated but solicitors have seen this scenario a thousand times. If you have a good relationship with him you could broach it for peace of mind, but if not you will have to trust him.

it is none of the OP business who her ex-husband has a relationship with. Absolutely none. They are not married anymore

That’s true when there are no children involved. But simplistic when children are involved because the moving on process can have a massive impact on the lives of existing children - not always negative - and it is the other parent left picking up the pieces when things go badly.

CanILeavenowplease except her children arent young.

You dont get to be involved in your exs life forever. OP isnt concerned about what happens if this women disappears out of the kids life.

She specifically mentioned, some unexplained inheritance, and the fact that she is being bought more gifts that she was.

If the inheritance, is what her exh is leaving when he dies, that's probably not going to be 'soon' and not guaranteed anyway. If it's not, its will be in the kids names or should have been sorted during the divorce.

Even if the OP and her ex had stayed together, inheritance is not guaranteed.

I get the ops position. She made some choices and isnt happy and now feels discarded. He is moving on quicker than her and that makes her feel bad. But disguising it being a bout the kids future inheritance or saying it's because she gave up work for their future is disingenuous.

Some ridiculous comments about a 25 year old woman who none of us know, including the OP. Why would a 25 year old be guilty of inane chatter? When I was 25, I was embarking on a second degree and liked nothing better than intellectual debate in seminars. Now, at 49, I have 2 adopted DDs of 10 and 7 and my head has been filled with CBeebies and Disney for years. (Much less so now, thankfully!)

I can empathise in terms of where you are career wise, OP, it feels as if life is passing me by sometimes. But that’s not the fault of your ex’s new partner.

I can empathise in terms of where you are career wise, OP, it feels as if life is passing me by sometimes. But that’s not the fault of your ex’s new partner.
No it's not. It's a side effect of choosing to remain out of the workforce for 20 years even after your kids are in high schooll.

I think it's quite clear from this thread, that lots of women think younger women dont deserve respect and must be a bit thick.

It's quite a shame really.