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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be concerned about ExDH’s MUCH younger girlfriend

212 replies

Fpsb · 17/04/2019 18:13

Recently divorced after 20 years of marriage with 2 DC. ExDH and I are both 45. He’s a very high earner (investment banking) in the city. As his success grew over the years, so did his ego and inflated sense of self worth, which lead to our divorce. He’s recently got in to a relationship with 25 year old model type and in just the few months they have been together, he’s funded a number of extremely lavish holidays, weekend breaks and has showered her with high end gifts. According to DC1 the latest included a Rolex. In such a short space of time, he’s done more and bought more for his new girlfriend than we ever did in 20 years of marriage!

Whilst ExDH is a good looking man and in good shape for his age, I’m rather perplexed as to what (other than money) a very attractive 25 year old young woman would be looking for in a man 20 years her senior..... I’d been merrily minding my own business until I hear via the DC that not only is he spending enormous amounts of money on said girlfriend, he is now intending to propose. ExDH has a large sum of money put away for the DC (most of which he earned whilst I was at home looking after the DC) and a number of assets which the DC are due to inherit in the near future. He has clearly fallen head over heels for this young and very attractive woman. AIBU in thinking that she is going to take this silly fool for all he has?! I worry that by the time he realises this, it’ll be all too late and the DC could be left with nothing!

OP posts:

VladmirsPoutine · 17/04/2019 19:27

YANBU. But be prepared to be told you are.

hsegfiugseskufh · 17/04/2019 19:30

Its none of your business though is it?

HavelockVetinari · 17/04/2019 19:34

That sounds really upsetting for your DC.

If its any consolation, at least she'll end up having to care for him in his old age rather than your DC - just as she's thinking about retiring he'll be in his mid 80s and very unlikely to be trekking up Kilimanjaro or similar.

HavelockVetinari · 17/04/2019 19:34

*it's

BeansandRice · 17/04/2019 19:42

I’m rather perplexed as to what (other than money) a very attractive 25 year old young woman would be looking for in a man 20 years her senior

I'm reading this in a Mrs Merton voice.

I think you've answered your own question. And you can just laugh and point at him - he's being ridiculous.

BeansandRice · 17/04/2019 19:46

And I agree with PP - YANBU - he is effectively denying his DC resources that you both earned.

TellItLikeItReallyIs · 17/04/2019 19:48

I had a relationship of that gap when I was in my mid twenties. When you are that young, any man over 30 seems incredibly sophisticated and educated. The whole relationship has a cinderella feel about it.

Sorry to be blunt about it, the sex is amazing. I didn't appreciate at tht time but the man is bowled over at having sex with such a young woman and is very excited about it all. A man that much older (especially one who has been in long term relationships and marriages) has a very different attitude and approach to sex than a 25 year old. They are very sexually confident, prepared to take their time and expose you to sexually experiences you've never had.

I was thrilled by him and the whole relationship. He was of course more financially secure than any previous bfs I'd had but no where near the luxury gifts you are talking about.

Add into that a shed load of money and glamourous gifts it's no wonder they are both keen.

The younger partner gets glamour and excitement and the kudos of having (to her young friends) a sophisticated older wealthy man. The older partner gets the glamour and thrill of having pulled an attractive younger woman. It's win win and although the money may have picqued her interest first off, it's far more likely its these other factors that keep her interested.

NameChangeNugget · 17/04/2019 19:51

Neither of them are doing anything wrong. YAB a bit U

ContraryAnn · 17/04/2019 19:57

ExDH has a large sum of money put away for the DC (most of which he earned whilst I was at home looking after the DC) and a number of assets which the DC are due to inherit in the near future

You need to write him a letter clearly stating he has to make sure his children's futures are taken care of before he starts the next chapter of his life. And wish him well.

Ask your children not to tell you about what's going on as much.

CripsSandwiches · 17/04/2019 19:57

I can see why a 25 year old is attracted to a successful (and rich!) older man. He probably seems much more mature and worldly than men her own age. I don't think it's necessarily the ingredients for a marriage that will last - in 10 years time she'll be 35 and be more interested in kids and school runs than hair and make up. He'll now be 55 a little rounder, greyer and balder and starting to get a bad back. They'll be arguing over where they should buy their next house and how they should decorate it instead of jetting around the world and exchanging expensive gifts.

viques · 17/04/2019 19:59

If your divorce lawyer hasn't managed to secure an equitable split of the marital assets, including provision for your children if they are still children then it's your lawyer you should be annoyed with.

category12 · 17/04/2019 20:01

Presumably you had a clean break financially in your divorce. What he chooses to do with his money is his own business, even if it's piss it away.

At 45, the dc are a long way off inheriting anyway. It's not wise to be eyeing up people's assets assuming you're gonna get them.

hsegfiugseskufh · 17/04/2019 20:03

You need to write him a letter clearly stating he has to make sure his children's futures are taken care ofbeforehe starts the next chapter of his life. And wish him well

Its his money. Its not up to his ex wife to tell him what to do with it.

Bluntness100 · 17/04/2019 20:06

Why are they going to inherit in the near future, is he ill?

If this is simply a trust fund that matures then there is no reason to believe he is risking his kids money. In fact there is no reason to believe he is spending anything other than his own disposable income here.

I would also be concerned your nose is out of joint here, because he is lavishing gifts on her and considering remarrying and she's so much younger,

But unless there is a drip feed on his health or you have reason to believe he is using money ear marked for his kids, I'd back right off if I as you, as you will just look jealous.

XingMing · 17/04/2019 20:06

I've only read a few posts into this thread, but as a woman over 60, I know he holds most of the aces. He is still enough George Clooney to pull a clever 30 year old, but in a female in her 40s is only going to beat the equation by heading for the wealthiest oldest chap, who wants a pretty but intelligent nurse/cook/companion. Despite what the press tells us, the hormonal drop off with menopause and all the general tiring family shite that falls mostly to women takes its toll on looks first and fertility soon after.

Only you can be the fullest intellectual version of yourself, for yourself, after your 40s, and whatever vision of yourself you have, it's unlikely to be reflected in male admiration.

BeansandRice · 17/04/2019 20:07

But don't PP get it? It's his DC (and hers) that the OP is concerned about. And it's the DC and their financial security which their father doesn't seem at all concerned about. Selfish man.

hsegfiugseskufh · 17/04/2019 20:08

Yes and shes entitled to be concerned about her dc. She can arrange to leave them her money or assets but its nothing to do with her what he does with his money.

Bluntness100 · 17/04/2019 20:08

You need to write him a letter clearly stating he has to make sure his children's futures are taken care of before he starts the next chapter of his life

Please don't do this. You will look unhinged.

hsegfiugseskufh · 17/04/2019 20:08

And tbh i dont think dc should rely on parents for financial security. Thats what jobs are for.

Ribbonsonabox · 17/04/2019 20:09

Well the relationship doesnt sound like a healthy one and perhaps she is just in it for money... but that has nothing to do with age. Theres the same age gap between me and my husband. He does earn more than me because hes much older hence much more highly qualified and further on in his career.... but that's not why I'm with him... I'm with him because I love him very deeply.
You're passing judgement on a woman you dont know here... I mean fine to think hes a bellend for the way hes treated you... but dont project this onto a woman, you have no idea what shes about really...

stucknoue · 17/04/2019 20:13

Unfortunately that's what 45 year old men do, mine claims not to have anyone but just doesn't want me - I suspect otherwise. A 25 year old is attracted by the lifestyle he can offer

tinkywinky777 · 17/04/2019 20:17

I find this thread extremely judgemental in terms of the ex H.

Firstly any assets will have been dealt with in the divorce and the point is that you are now separate and it is entirely up to each of you what you do with your finances (aside of maintenance payments etc).

Secondly, it is likely that your ex H WILL marry at some point(as you might too) and at that point, it is again, entirely up to each of you how you conduct your individual finances. It is entirely normal for exes to go on and remarry (he may even have more children) and thus the amount of any inheritance to existing children may change. Even if your ex never remarried, whose to say he wouldn't end up in a care home for example? Nothing is guaranteed. Plus, as an investment banker, your ex H should know exactly how to safeguard any trust fund for his children if he sees fit to do so.

Thirdly, the judgement of a 25 'model type' being with a 45 year old for one reason only is ridiculous and bloody immature. After my divorce I met a man 20 years my senior ( I was in my late 20s) and we are still together years later.

Bluntness100 · 17/04/2019 20:18

Good post tinkywinky, you articulated my thoughts.

Putthatlampshadeonyourhead · 17/04/2019 20:20

Mn is an odd place sometimes. Theres been quite a few posts with women talking about getting with a man much younger.

Lots of other posters post, that they should go for it. See where it goes etc. Lots of other posters talking about their wonderful marriages to much younger men.

Yet, when it's a younger woman and older man, words like creepy are thrown around.

OP I get that you may be concerned for your kids assets. Is there anything you can do to protect them? Wasnt their anything in the divorce that protected them and didnt leave him in sole charge of them?

If not, discuss that with him.

I have to say I do think this is, understandably, more about jealousy though. Whether it's a mistake or not. Theres nothing you can do.

BenjiB · 17/04/2019 20:22

Are you on good terms. Could you talk to him about putting the money in their names or in trust to protect it? You don’t sound jealous at all just concerned your children.

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