To be concerned about ExDH’s MUCH younger girlfriend

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Recently divorced after 20 years of marriage with 2 DC. ExDH and I are both 45. He’s a very high earner (investment banking) in the city. As his success grew over the years, so did his ego and inflated sense of self worth, which lead to our divorce. He’s recently got in to a relationship with 25 year old model type and in just the few months they have been together, he’s funded a number of extremely lavish holidays, weekend breaks and has showered her with high end gifts. According to DC1 the latest included a Rolex. In such a short space of time, he’s done more and bought more for his new girlfriend than we ever did in 20 years of marriage!

Whilst ExDH is a good looking man and in good shape for his age, I’m rather perplexed as to what (other than money) a very attractive 25 year old young woman would be looking for in a man 20 years her senior..... I’d been merrily minding my own business until I hear via the DC that not only is he spending enormous amounts of money on said girlfriend, he is now intending to propose. ExDH has a large sum of money put away for the DC (most of which he earned whilst I was at home looking after the DC) and a number of assets which the DC are due to inherit in the near future. He has clearly fallen head over heels for this young and very attractive woman. AIBU in thinking that she is going to take this silly fool for all he has?! I worry that by the time he realises this, it’ll be all too late and the DC could be left with nothing!

At 25, you can genuinely be head over heels for a 45 year old. I was, and he didn’t have a pot to piss in - I was already ‘wealthier’ than him. So don’t fall into the obvious trap of think she is consciously and cynically interested in his money. Though of course she may be!

As for the inheritance and your children... you should have ring fenced something in your divorce settlement.

I’d be just as annoyed as you... but nothing you can do here. And 25/45 simply isn’t laughable to most people. Certainly don’t be to his peers.

When I was a young teen my 41 year old father left my mother for a 21 year old looker. They enjoyed a nice lifestyle whilst my mum worked several jobs and we moved to a v.small flat in a rough part of town.
I lost a lot of respect for him and was well aware of the disparity in wealth, despite him being free to spend his money how he liked. Admittedly they were married for 10 years but she took him for everything he was worth once he hit his 50s and could no longer keep up with her.

Hold your head high, he's just another silly fool who is being made to feel special. He has more to lose in terms of respect from his kids than just pride and money.

Some of the initial posters on this thread show a mindboggling lack of understanding about how upsetting and galling this situation would be.

It’s very upsetting, and I am sorry for you. There isn’t anything you can do but try to mentally disattach and think about the presumably inane chatter ex DH is having to listen to with his new girlfriend, and think about what a sad cliche he looks like. Big hugs.

I know what she sees, it's £££ signs and he sees his ego inflating more and a hot woman young enough to be his child having sex with him.
I hope they money is put aside safely for the kids and that you got a good share in the divorce. Tell the kids you don't want to know what he's up to as it makes you sick. The kids probably think he's being gross as it is.
Leave him to it, it'll all go pear shaped soon enough when she wants a hot younger guy. She'll take him for what she can.

He’s 45, not 75...

You can't worry about what your DC may or may not inherit from their father. You aren't in control of that so are wasting your time and energy being concerned about it.

My DSis married a man 20 years older (he didn't have money though) and they are still happy over 20 years later. It might well be that your exH's GF is a gold digger but equally I can see the attraction of an older man, especially one in a high flying job. It's to do with confidence and intellect. It can be very attractive (as long as it isn't negated by other unattractive qualities).

You need to try and just get on living your life and perhaps ask your DC not to mention any of these gifts if it is going to bother you so much.

I'm really sorry, I really feel for you, but there's absolutely nothing you can do. If your children ever had any inkling that they'd have a cushion in their adulthood, you might want to start gradually dialling back that assumption.

I think most men in his position would see sense before too long, though, and protect their assets. Most.

I would lose all respect for him, sorry, you must feel like it's all a big joke at this point.

I was the high earner who went on to a younger man!!!!

There is nothing you can do about this - as long as he is still paying child support, then he can do as he wishes with his money.

One way to look at it might be that, at 45, he's probably got a few years yet in which to impregnate and dump this young woman and the one after her for younger models. So you might want to consider making friends with her (and her successors) for future mutual support and good relationships between all the half-sibling DC.
Because, yes, there are still men like this, who think that wealth or power entitle them to young and beautiful partners that they can keep0 replacing...

be prepared for them to start a family too, if they stay together. She's young and will probably want them sooner rather than later, due to his age.

I understand why this is painful for you and why you’re concerned about the money but it’s SO bizarre the way some assume that people 20 years apart can have nothing in common other than pound signs.

What about political beliefs, art, culture, fitness, sports, literature, travel.. all things that people in their 20s can enjoy as well as people in their 40s, 50s, 60s etc. If he’s in good shape I see absolutely no reason why a 25 year old couldn’t find him genuinely desirable, especially these days with people living much longer, 45 is no age.

My best friend is in an age gap relationship (not 20 years but more than 10) and it’s just not a thing, nobody bats an eyelid, they’re a great couple who are on the same page and that’s that.

He is 45 not 95 so barring illness or accident it could well be 50 years until your children have to worry about who is getting dads cash. Hopefully in 50 years time your children would have good careers and be earning their own high salary.
He could have several more children with a host of younger women, every penny could have been spent Hugh Hefner style or gone on care home fees.
So as long as his new lifestyle now doesn’t mean he stops paying maintainace then really it is nothing to do with you or his children.

You sound really jealous OP and you're not even doing a great job of hiding it.

Oh she doesn’t at all! MNetters are so full of shit. Like you’d just sit there complacently saying “well it’s his business after all” if twenty years of financial security contributed to by YOU as an equal partner in the marriage, was being spent of some new partner old or young.

It's not always the money. Bumped into ex when he was 48, he was accompanied by his 22 year old girlfriend. 4 years younger than our son. Made me feel urgh, not jealous but felt distasteful. But he was, as always, not well off, not earning much. He is, even now, extremely good looking and she kept him for about 5 years before she came to her senses.

which the DC are due to inherit in the near future

Is your XH terminally ill?

Aside from this, I think you are being VERY judgy about this relationship. She might be lovely.

You sound really jealous OP and you're not even doing a great job of hiding it.

You have zero emotional intelligence.

Is your XH terminally ill?

I gather the OP and her ex arranged some kind of trust and she's now worried about him revoking it.

he is now intending to propose. ExDH has a large sum of money put away for the DC (most of which he earned whilst I was at home looking after the DC) and a number of assets which the DC are due to inherit in the near future.

Potential new wife, new babies, half siblings, split inheritance - that's why this ExWife is upset.

Can you speak to him about the kids investments on the guise of wanting to be sure where everything is and check it's in their names and encourage more into junior ISA's etc that he can't touch? (Though chances are as a banker he's got far more complicated investments that won't help but just make sure you get it all written down). What was agreed in divorce re the kids investments?

I gather the OP and her ex arranged some kind of trust and she's now worried about him revoking it.

Sorry I have never heard of a matured trust being referred to as inheritance - only ever heard that terminology when someone died and left money in a will.

As you were....

In terms of future inheritance, that would be 30, 40 maybe even 50 years down the line. I wouldn't bring anyone up to expect to inherit from their parents. It's just too much of an assumption.

I would be concerned if he was expected to fund their higher education but would hope that if so, this money had been ring fenced in some way in the divorce settlement. It was likely that he would meet someone new and whatever her age, that he would share his money with her. I can appreciate it must be galling but detach as far as you can. Concentrate on making things as secure as possible for you, without relying on him beyond what he is legally obliged to give.

You divorced him with reason. Be glad he's gone.

Because he appears to be throwing away the money they built up as a couple so they and their children had some security. St a guess

Presumably any money built up as a couple has been divided appropriately in the divorce settlement. Any money invested for the children should have been included as well.

On divorce finances are separated. So as long as he is paying any spousal and child maintenance due, the rest he can do what he likes with.

In terms of future inheritance, that would be 30, 40 maybe even 50 years down the line. I wouldn't bring anyone up to expect to inherit from their parents. It's just too much of an assumption

This. My dad died when I was 9. He was an extremely high earner, financially astute, and had multiple life insurance policies that left my mum a millionaire with a 1m/house and significant income.

She’s pissed it all up the wall in the last 30 years. My brothers and I will inherit nothing. Maybe a few grand from the sale of her last property, if she doesn’t need to sell it for care home fees.

If he does indeed marry his girlfriend I think you can have a conversation regarding that the assets planned for the children will remain that way and, should he die, his wife will not inherit anything intended for the children.

Likewise, should he have more children he should start new investments for his new family.

My lovely DH was 22 years older than me. We met when I was 20 and he was 42. He was a single dad, gorgeous and the kindest man I have ever met. What I saw in him was his good qualities. To be fair, he was also skint, but money isn't the main motivating factor in all age gap relationships. We spent 20 wonderful years together and I miss him every day.

Perhaps your ex's girlfriend really loves his good points?