To be concerned about ExDH’s MUCH younger girlfriend

[Fpsb]

Recently divorced after 20 years of marriage with 2 DC. ExDH and I are both 45. He’s a very high earner (investment banking) in the city. As his success grew over the years, so did his ego and inflated sense of self worth, which lead to our divorce. He’s recently got in to a relationship with 25 year old model type and in just the few months they have been together, he’s funded a number of extremely lavish holidays, weekend breaks and has showered her with high end gifts. According to DC1 the latest included a Rolex. In such a short space of time, he’s done more and bought more for his new girlfriend than we ever did in 20 years of marriage!

Whilst ExDH is a good looking man and in good shape for his age, I’m rather perplexed as to what (other than money) a very attractive 25 year old young woman would be looking for in a man 20 years her senior..... I’d been merrily minding my own business until I hear via the DC that not only is he spending enormous amounts of money on said girlfriend, he is now intending to propose. ExDH has a large sum of money put away for the DC (most of which he earned whilst I was at home looking after the DC) and a number of assets which the DC are due to inherit in the near future. He has clearly fallen head over heels for this young and very attractive woman. AIBU in thinking that she is going to take this silly fool for all he has?! I worry that by the time he realises this, it’ll be all too late and the DC could be left with nothing!

I think it's quite clear from this thread, that lots of women think younger women dont deserve respect and must be a bit thick.

I think the comments about only being interested in money say a lot more about those making said comments than they do about Fpsb ExDHs new GF.

Mmm don’t marital assets get split when you divorce and the children provided for with maintenance? Surely his money is his money to do what he wants with.

Also just because the new gf is 25, and attractive it diesnt automatically mean she’s thick, grasping and a gold digger. Your ex husband is 45 not 65 and if he’s taken care of himself, fit and good looking , with a good Jon and lots of confidence, yes that would make him a good catch vs a 25 year old ( rich or not!)
It’s akways hard to see an ex partner move on, ( im sure most people have experienced this before and recognise it’s not easy ) but focusing on him and his new life will just stop you from moving forwards and enjoying what you have..

"I think the comments about only being interested in money say a lot more about those making said comments than they do about Fpsb ExDHs new GF."

I disagree that all 20-something women are vacuous airheads who don't have anything interesting to say, or that they couldn't possibly be genuinely interested in a man who is a couple of decades older.

However, it is certainly true in my experience, that middle-aged men with well-paid jobs, smart cars and nice houses fare better at attracting younger women than, say, similar/aged men who are collecting the trolleys at Tesco.

For that reason, people will roll their eyes at a middle-aged man feeling pretty good about attracting a partner younger than his daughter, and privately wonder at the motives of aforementioned youthful partner.

However, it is certainly true in my experience, that middle-aged men with well-paid jobs, smart cars and nice houses fare better at attracting younger women than, say, similar/aged men who are collecting the trolleys at Tesco.

This may seem terribly classist but I imagine having those things is an indicator that the person with them is far better at managing their lives in general and is therefore potentially a more stable partner (I realise there are exceptions both ways).

She’s 20 years younger, not younger than his daughter!

Well the 25 year old is an adult.
I think their relationship is their own business even though it might be a difficult pill to swallow.
As for the money. Expect your dcs to get nothing. If he married the gf she will become his next of kin. If they have children, yours will get pushed further down the pecking order.
It's not nice but I've seen it time and time again.

For that reason, people will roll their eyes at a middle-aged man feeling pretty good about attracting a partner younger than his daughter, and privately wonder at the motives of aforementioned youthful partner.

How is the relevant to the OP? She hasnt said the younger woman is younger than his daughter?

And Is it really surprising someone with a stable and good income, is seen as a better option as a partner? Regardless of age of the 2 people in the relationship?

It’s the ‘high earner’ and ‘model looking’ that has people thinking it’s about money not the age as a stand-alone issue. A 25 year old woman that looks like a model just isn’t going to date a middle age man that works in Poundland. Are we all going to pretend otherwise so we seem ‘right on?’

That doesn’t make her stupid or shallow anyway, far from it. What’s attractive about a man halfway through life that hasn’t got his shit together anyway?

The two issues need to be separated.

I totally understand OP, why you’re concerned that everything you supported your husband in earning, essentially to provide for you as a family unit, could be jeopardised. The thing is though, all of that should have been legally secured when going through the divorce. Why would his assets/Children’s security etc be at risk? Any possible holes in the legal requirements of, and provision for the children’s future need to be closed regardless of your EXDH’s current romantic situation.

Re the age gap. It’s not that dramatic. I was that young twenty-something woman once, although age gap was 13 years. I wasn’t after money, my bf at the time was divorced after 18 years with two kids, and we had a fantastic relationship. He didn’t want more children, that was the only reason we split. Other than that, we had a fantastic connection, and I still miss his friendship and advice to this day. We are still in contact after 15+ years, but obviously it wouldn’t be appropriate to communicate every little thing, but I sometimes wish that we could. I wasn’t a bimbo, but I can only imagine what his ex wife was thinking. My ex spoilt me too, but his kids were everything to him, absolutely everything. The ex wife and children were very well taken care of from my perspective, he always insisted that they must be, and I always whole heartedly agreed. I wasn’t after his money and he wouldn’t have been fool enough to disinherit his children for me. I’m just trying to give you another angle OP. Her age doesn’t equal-gold digger, and your ex-DH hopefully is on board with making sure your children are provided for in the way in which you both agreed.

ParrotWithACarrot but it also doesnt follow that they are only together because she is a gold digger.

Men who have their shit together are attractive. OP also adds that he is attractive and in very good shape.

What people are saying is that while his stability may add to the attraction, it doesnt mean it's just about money.

If he worked in pound land and looked the same etc, she may have still been attracted to him but decided against the relationship due to financial instability. I would date someone who is financially unstable, regardless of their age or their how they look. I was in a marriage with a dickhead who at, 45, still is shit with money. I wouldn't go down that route again

I’m sure he can be very charming and certainly generous.
Some women are attracted to the money but also the power/prestige.

Then they get bored.

This is 20 years told working on the city and 12 years interacting with families at posh schools talking.

Leave him to it. You can’t live his life and he’s a big boy.

I totally understand OP, why you’re concerned that everything you supported your husband in earning, essentially to provide for you as a family unit, could be jeopardised.

That's why I also thought. Investment banking isn't a "normal" career, because you're expected to work insane hours at short notice, it's v. unpredictable. To have a family, you really do need either a full-time nanny and/or a SAHP because normal childcare won't cover the hours you need to work. I know an investment banker in NYC and she can literally work all night and all weekend on a deal, travel at v. short notice, etc. They get paid alot of money, but someone else has to create and organise family life. Her DH now works part-time AND they have a full-time nanny!

I suppose I think that the OP is somewhat justified in being concerned, because, given her ex's career choice, she really has "run" the family unit alone for 20 years. By not working, she saved the expense of a full-time nanny - money she probably thought would be put away for her DC's future. I'll bet she's wishing she'd hired the nanny and got on with her own career.