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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be concerned about ExDH’s MUCH younger girlfriend

212 replies

Fpsb · 17/04/2019 18:13

Recently divorced after 20 years of marriage with 2 DC. ExDH and I are both 45. He’s a very high earner (investment banking) in the city. As his success grew over the years, so did his ego and inflated sense of self worth, which lead to our divorce. He’s recently got in to a relationship with 25 year old model type and in just the few months they have been together, he’s funded a number of extremely lavish holidays, weekend breaks and has showered her with high end gifts. According to DC1 the latest included a Rolex. In such a short space of time, he’s done more and bought more for his new girlfriend than we ever did in 20 years of marriage!

Whilst ExDH is a good looking man and in good shape for his age, I’m rather perplexed as to what (other than money) a very attractive 25 year old young woman would be looking for in a man 20 years her senior..... Hmm I’d been merrily minding my own business until I hear via the DC that not only is he spending enormous amounts of money on said girlfriend, he is now intending to propose. ExDH has a large sum of money put away for the DC (most of which he earned whilst I was at home looking after the DC) and a number of assets which the DC are due to inherit in the near future. He has clearly fallen head over heels for this young and very attractive woman. AIBU in thinking that she is going to take this silly fool for all he has?! I worry that by the time he realises this, it’ll be all too late and the DC could be left with nothing!

OP posts:
GregoryPeckingDuck · 17/04/2019 20:22

Presumably you received a large divorce settlement. You can make provisions for your children then.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 17/04/2019 20:24

Are your children around her age?

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 17/04/2019 20:24

You need to write him a letter clearly stating he has to make sure his children's futures are taken care of before he starts the next chapter of his life. And wish him well.

I read some ridiculous bollox on this forum and this is right up there with the best of them.

Aprilladvised · 17/04/2019 20:25

Was it Mrs Merton who asked Debbie McGee what she first saw in the millionaire Paul Daniels

It was and what a great question. OP I think you are totally justified in being miffed/jealous/hurt/worried/disgusted by your ex-eijets behaviour. But as others have said: what can you do?

Would you want to be starting over with babies and all that again as your dh may be? He's been how he has been with you- he will be the same with her. But he'll be older and less interested even than he was with you and yours. I would try to protect your children's inheritance but if you can't then leave it. Too much inheritance isn't all that healthy anyway. See already it has a hold over you and its not even for you. If he was penniless and contibuted nothing, would you care who got the booby prize that is your ex?

reallyanotherone · 17/04/2019 20:31

Unfortunately that's what 45 year old men do

Is it? All of them?

I should tell dh. I am older than his ex. He is doing 45 wrong.

Inliverpool1 · 17/04/2019 20:34

Beyond the consent order his money is his business really. If he’s paying what he should be in child support I can’t really see what more you’d expect

TheFormidableMrsC · 17/04/2019 20:40

Actually OP, I hear you. Similar happened in my family with my Dad and his now wife who he met after my Mum died. I have nothing but nice things to say about her but I was very concerned about the huge age gap etc. It's worked out, but it's definitely not been without considerable difficulties. You're in a difficult situation because he's your ex. Anything you say will look jealous, unfortunately, but I totally understand your concerns about money set aside for your children. I think I'd just watch and wait for now. The fact that he's love bombing her (which is what he is doing) and considering marriage again within five mins of divorce suggests to me that this might peak quite quickly. That would have frightened 25 year old me to death...model or not! I think you just have to be there for your kids and say nothing. Good luck!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 17/04/2019 20:41

Presumably it's his money to do with as he pleases, not yours to ring fence.

Given the amount of people on MN who say they look at a mans earnings before dating etc it's hardly surprising. More fool him if he chooses an unequal spouse in the financial sense.

Unfinishedkitchen · 17/04/2019 20:43

I totally understand why you would feel the way you do OP but YABU.

You’re divorced and I’m assuming everything was sorted out then. He is now free to be with who he wants and spend his money how he wants and not everyone believes in denying their own pleasures in order to provide a healthy inheritance for their kids.

I’m not saying this is how he sees it but you said you were a SAHM. He probably thinks he’s born all of the financial responsibility including, I assume good educations for his kids, nice big house etc, stuff you get when you’re an investment banker. I’m sure you were also given a decent payout as your earning potential would not be good after being a SAHM for 20 years.

As much as it must hurt and worry you, from now on in its his money. His GF may even work at his firm or make her own money. He may be attracted to sex in city style go getting types now. She’s done nothing wrong, he never cheated on you with her.

As an aside you need to tell your kids to stop telling you stuff they know worries you as it looks like telling tales/shit stirring and focus on making their own money as opposed to enabling them to worry they may not get the inheritance they/you think they’re entitled to.

SuperSara · 17/04/2019 20:44

@tinkywinky777

I’m absolutely with you.

And not to mention the recent threads about seeking high earning men for husbands and men who don’t earn huge salaries being unattractive.

Double standards doesn’t even come close!

CherylCheshire · 17/04/2019 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MumOfOne92 · 17/04/2019 20:52

I prefer older men, not because of the money though 🤷‍♀️

The only drawback is once you're older, they are really getting old!

choli · 17/04/2019 20:55

Whilst ExDH is a good looking man and in good shape for his age, I’m rather perplexed as to what (other than money) a very attractive 25 year old young woman would be looking for in a man 20 years her senior.....
Most likely the same things you saw in him when you married him.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 17/04/2019 20:56

Was it Mrs Merton who asked Debbie McGee what she first saw in the millionaire Paul Daniels

Married to him for 22 years and nursed him through a terminal illness …. kind of makes the Late Caroline Aherns question redundant

tinkywinky777 · 17/04/2019 20:57

Also OP, remember that what you need to do (particularly as you are concerned about ex H's finances) is make sure that YOUR provision for your children is organised as you see fit.

So, I have been with my dp for years (despite him being 20 years older than me!) but I had a son when we met (who is now a young adult). I have chosen not to remarry and I have life insurance/will written out/work in service benefits/death benefit left in its entirety to my son. This is because a) I WANT to leave this to my son as it is my choice b) I cannot ensure that my ex husband - son's dad - will make the same provision and c) my dp is financially independent of his own means, does not have children, and completely understands and respects my choice to leave my estate to my son.

I guess what I'm saying, in a long winded way, is that all you need to think about is what YOU want to leave your children and make sure that everything is put in place accordingly in case, god forbid, something happens to you.

Original poster
Fpsb · 17/04/2019 21:01

Thanks everyone and to those who can empathise. I really don’t feel jealous, in the sense that I’m happily divorced and living a better life already, but I am concerned. I understand though that there is very little I can do. In terms of the divorce, everything was settled fairly but I have still not found employment after years of staying at home... so I’m far from wealthy. I did everything I could to ensure that ExDH could work all of the hours he needed to in order to progress and earn money for our children and our future. It’s just going to take me a bit of time to get my head around the fact that it may no longer happen.

OP posts:
yearinyearout · 17/04/2019 21:09

foodiefil a 45 year old man is definitely not at his peak 😂

choli · 17/04/2019 21:14

yearinyearout that depends on what you are measuring the peak of. Generally 45 is peak for earnings. Can also be peak sexually because of experience, it's not all about the penis.

AndromedaPerseus · 17/04/2019 21:16

He’s probably at the peak of his earning potential and that can be very attractive to some women

WithLotsOfSprinkles0 · 17/04/2019 21:21

I hear you, I'd be miffed.

You say your not wealthy? Well You should be, you must have had a shit solicitor.

You should be getting payments from him. You've enabled his career, you had a gap in your employment to look after children while he worked, now as you say, it'll be hard to get a job after not working for so many years.

I'd get a new solicitor.

Kaddm · 17/04/2019 21:23

He's disappeared up his own arse
So common for men like this
Just focus on your own life, you can do nothing for this arrogant prick
He's getting his dick sucked by a 25yo model, she's got a rich man in good shape who probably doesn't quite look his age. So everyone's a winner in that scenerio. Until it all falls apart of course, when instead of sucking his dick, she's looking after a baby.
People are such cliches.

TheNavigator · 17/04/2019 21:23

I am sorry OP, but there is nothing you can do - children of divorced parents often miss out on inheritance when their parents remarry, but what can you do?

My lovely dad remarried after my mum divorced him, so of course when he died his wife inherited - as is right and proper. I get on well with his widow and we still meet regularly - I am glad they had a happy marriage. Your DH is only 45 and may well have a long and happy second marriage and his wife will inherit when he dies. Please don't raise your children to resent this, it is part of modern life where divorce is common.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/04/2019 21:24

crispysausagerolls... "...think about the presumably inane chatter ex DH is having to listen to with his new girlfriend."

Well aren't you a delight? So much women-hating on this thread and it just smacks of jealousy. It's possibly to support the OP and acknowledge her pain without being a judgemental bigot when you have no facts to support your fatuous statement. Urgh.

I don't think most posters on mumsnet are 25 and under yet this site is testament to fantastical amounts of inane chatter.

Fpsb, I'm really sorry to hear that things haven't been so easy since your divorce. I'm glad you got a fair settlement but I totally get that this wasn't the life you had planned for.

Would you be able to retrain do you think? Many people are working longer now, retirement age has gone up and it may be that you'd be able to launch a new career or enterprise for yourself. It would be great for your self-esteem too. It's what I did, complete reinvention. It was hard but definitely possible.

What did you do before you had your children?

justarandomtricycle · 17/04/2019 21:30

Two grown adults having a relationship. Money that's actually die your children can be secured during divorce or placed in trust, take him to court if you aren't happy and you can secure anything you and your children are entitled to.

It sounds, a bit, like you feel entitled to control over things that are none of your concern to be honest. I apologise if that's not the case but on face value, yabu

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 17/04/2019 21:32

crispysausagerolls, looks like yours wasn't the worst post by a long shot so I'm sorry to have picked on yours particularly.

Reading some posters' posts, I'm really not that surprised that the husbands have cleared off, I would have too, I can't abide double-standards.

Bloody hell, it's said that women have no idea how much men hate them... but that pales into insignificance with how much other women do.

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