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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH behaviour is not excusable.

206 replies

Yolo89 · 09/04/2019 11:37

So DH had a really, really stressful day at work. He got yelled at as he is leaving and lots of meetings. Anyway, I was emailing him.as we needed to send an urgent email regarding our property by end of play yesterday. He never mentioned the stress he was under but at 2pm said he wpuld look at my email. (He had to send I could not) and at 5pm I messaged had he sent. He said he was busy at work amd would look at last night. I then got angry thinking how can he not realise the importance of it being sent end of day. I had been.doing email with my DD in.tow so it could be sent. I got very angry and was in.disbelief. My peri menopause irratability camw into play here also and made it worse.

When DH came home, he exploded yelling amd crying and literally looked like he was about to self combust. He said he'd haf a bad day and didnt I realise from.the emails? He had been yelled and didnt need to be yelled at by me on.top of this. I feel like he was angry from.work and taking it out on me. He then belittled my perimenopause telling me that I have to get myself under control and I explode at the slightest thing..Perimenopause makes these things very difficult I would say at times impossible. He has depression.bit seems to compare his anger to mine and thinks it is ok to explode like this at me in front of children then.carry on.as normal. He is not really confronting his depression. Please tell me - is it normal to explode like this after a stressful day? He camt hamdke stress at all and has a drinking problem.also. I cant take it any more. I am.sick of him
comparing my issues (which im.trying my hardest to fix) and his..Mine is a physiological issue and his is mental. Please help!! I dont know where to turn

OP posts:
Eliza9919 · 09/04/2019 11:51

Please tell me - is it normal to explode like this after a stressful day?

No, and that goes for both of you.

Who yelled at him at work? People shouldn't be yelling at people in the workplace.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 09/04/2019 11:54

Seriously - take a step back and re-read what you have written.

Between the two of you, you absolutely no communication. He is AT WORK , you know WORKING and has you faffing on about emails. Jesus its enough to drive anyone to drink. And stop using your perimenopause as an exuse for the inability to cope with life.

Seriously what is it with people constantly interrupting their partners AT WORK?

Send your own emails. SMH.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 09/04/2019 12:05

Plain speaking are you actually for real? I nevet ever chat to DH at work but je had to send a email from.his email as I am nlt legally entitled to. I wrote, he only had tp press send.

As for the perimenpause - you are joking arent you? Anyone that has experienced these symptoms would never say what you are. It is no excuse. I have changed a lot and gees I wish I could be my usual happy self. You clearly have no idea

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 09/04/2019 12:06

I don't even know where to start with this.

Your DH had a bad day to the point he's in tears and yelling when he gets home. He said he didn't need you yelling on top of that - had you been yelling? It sounds like you have form for having a go at him (by what he said and a couple of things you've said).

You say he then belittled your perimenopause, however he has depression and you do belittle that a bit. It's difficult for you, yes but depression is incredibly difficult. I know people who have been battling it their entire lifetimes and still don't have control of it.

It sounds like neither of you can handle the stress.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 09/04/2019 12:08

@Yolo89 X post.

You say you wish you could be your normal happy self and I'm sorry you're going through that but your DH will be feeling the same thing.

You're both going through problems, you need to support each other. Don't yell at each other, don't nag each other. Communicate like adults.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 09/04/2019 12:09

I knew no one would understand.

OP posts:
mynameiscalypso · 09/04/2019 12:09

You definitely sound like you don't think his mental health issues are as 'valid' as your health issues. That's absolutely not the case.

AryaStarkWolf · 09/04/2019 12:10

You're both going through problems, you need to support each other. Don't yell at each other, don't nag each other. Communicate like adults.

Pretty much. Putting all the blame on him isn't going to help matters

Quartz2208 · 09/04/2019 12:10

FIrst off stop comparing physiological and mental illness in a game of top trumps - they are both illness and neither excuse frankly how you both treat each other - you both belittle each others illness that is not healthly.

The drinking is a problem yes and one which should be addressed. But your communication together is yes a real issue

HollowTalk · 09/04/2019 12:13

When you say he has problems with alcohol, do those affect his work? Is he hungover at work? Does he need a drink to cope and find himself ratty and horrible without one?

If you are suffering so much due to the peri-menopause, you should make sure you get medical help. It sounds as though you have a young child so if you are getting wound up over nothing (which most of us are in the peri-menopause) then you could do with help.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 09/04/2019 12:14

OK, so he is not confronting his depression. How are you confronting your perimenopause? What has the GP advised? What treatment are you trying for it?

You both sound overwhelmed by life at the moment and are taking it out on each other in a sort of "competitive misery" way rather than sitting down to try to communicate about how you can work together to make things better for each other and yourselves. At the moment you seem to expect him to understand your perimenopause while showing no understanding whatsoever of his depression or his stress levels - if he is coming home from work and bursting into tears then that is a pretty big sign that he is very far from all right - and yet you seem almost contemptuous of him?

It is not fair to hassle him at work. If the email was urgent, it needed dealing with earlier so that it didn't have to be sent last minute. Either that, or you need to get your own email account so that you can send emails independently of him.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 09/04/2019 12:15

I knew no one would understand.

What is it that we are not understanding?

Original poster
Yolo89 · 09/04/2019 12:18

I was getting angry at him over email asking him to send the email. It is built up from.the fact I cant trust him to take care of things like a deadline. This was important to send.

He says I should read btween the lines of his email saying he was having a busy day to that he was having an awfully stressful day. I did not reafmd it as such. He
never speaks up, his family dont talk. I am just supposed to guess he is having a bad day..This is why he explodes. He never talks yet expects me to know he is depressed and take care of him. He drinks a lot and does not much to help himself therefore it is hard to have sympathy.

OP posts:
TacoLover · 09/04/2019 12:18

He was crying when he came home, sounds like he had an awful day. Nobody cries after a day at work for no reason.

And you say he belittles your peri menopause yet you are clearly belittling his depression too. I think you're both to blame here.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 09/04/2019 12:19

The only - read comments by plain.speaking.

More have reached out with some more constructuve and kind comments

OP posts:
ForksintheRoad · 09/04/2019 12:20

I think you are being selfish about this and should sympathise more with your DH. Your symptoms will fade - his probably won't, so cut him some slack.

My periods stopped in 2017, but I still get hot flushes. I can over react a bit sometimes but I would never use being peri-menopausal as an excuse and never expect to be treated differently by anyone (I'd be too embarrassed!).

Get a grip - putting others first can be its own reward a lot of the time.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 09/04/2019 12:20

Taco - my tolerance is low as he drinks to cope and is horrible and wont do anythjng to help himself

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 09/04/2019 12:20

I knew no one would understand.

Oh give over. A lot of us have coped with the peri-menopause, I certainly have, and I'm struggling with depression. It's not an excuse to take it out on those close to us.

Your DH was at work and he'd had a particularly stressful day by the sounds of it. He's also depressed, which you seem to be at pains to believe makes him less worthy of sympathy than you. He sounds as if he's in a bad place, too.

The drinking is him self-medicating, I think. What help is he getting with his depression?

It shouldn't be a competition over who has the worse condition.

You also shouldn't hassle him at work. If his boss is giving him a hard time, you interrupting his work will give his boss more ammunition to hold against him, it sounds like he's being bullied at work actually.

AuntMarch · 09/04/2019 12:20

Mine is a physiological issue and his is mental.

So? His actually sounds more unstable and dangerous so stop belittling it.

Did you really only find out about this email on Monday morning, to have to send it by the end of the day Monday? If not, you really should have had it done over the weekend anyway.
Or sent it him earlier in the day at least so he might have had a chance to read it before sending. All well and good saying he just had to press send, but I wouldn't send something that makes it look like I've written it, without reading it through first - and it sounds like he had the kind of day that just didn't allow for that. That's not his fault. He was at work.

MollysLips · 09/04/2019 12:21

Your opening post kind of skimmed over what you actually did or said when he told you he'd read the email later.

What did you actually say and do? The fact you've fudged those details suggests to me that you feel you were unreasonable at that point.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 09/04/2019 12:22

Fork - my DH drinks himself stupid and hudes empty cans around the house.

I have very bad peri - it is real a.d im.sorru even my dh says i have never acted tjis way before. so you may not have experienced the same.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 09/04/2019 12:22

It sounds like you could have been more supportive as he had a shit day at work and probably didn't have time to look at the email. He must be under a lot of stress. Do you work? Why couldn't you send the email?

Original poster
Yolo89 · 09/04/2019 12:24

lizxie give over - do yiu have a husband that drinks, is terrible with money and wasted your inheritance and wont do anything to help himself?

OP posts:
Thisnamechanger · 09/04/2019 12:25

So....you're allowed to yell at him but when he yells back that's not allowed? Am I reading that right. Your OP is really unclear.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 09/04/2019 12:26

Lizzie - i dont male it a competition. he dies. he is always comparing and i say not to.

ps i never ever contact him.at wprk ad he contracts. This was the one day gees!!!

OP posts: