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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH behaviour is not excusable.

206 replies

Yolo89 · 09/04/2019 11:37

So DH had a really, really stressful day at work. He got yelled at as he is leaving and lots of meetings. Anyway, I was emailing him.as we needed to send an urgent email regarding our property by end of play yesterday. He never mentioned the stress he was under but at 2pm said he wpuld look at my email. (He had to send I could not) and at 5pm I messaged had he sent. He said he was busy at work amd would look at last night. I then got angry thinking how can he not realise the importance of it being sent end of day. I had been.doing email with my DD in.tow so it could be sent. I got very angry and was in.disbelief. My peri menopause irratability camw into play here also and made it worse.

When DH came home, he exploded yelling amd crying and literally looked like he was about to self combust. He said he'd haf a bad day and didnt I realise from.the emails? He had been yelled and didnt need to be yelled at by me on.top of this. I feel like he was angry from.work and taking it out on me. He then belittled my perimenopause telling me that I have to get myself under control and I explode at the slightest thing..Perimenopause makes these things very difficult I would say at times impossible. He has depression.bit seems to compare his anger to mine and thinks it is ok to explode like this at me in front of children then.carry on.as normal. He is not really confronting his depression. Please tell me - is it normal to explode like this after a stressful day? He camt hamdke stress at all and has a drinking problem.also. I cant take it any more. I am.sick of him
comparing my issues (which im.trying my hardest to fix) and his..Mine is a physiological issue and his is mental. Please help!! I dont know where to turn

OP posts:
Original poster
Yolo89 · 09/04/2019 18:37

silvery - well because it has been amazing up until recently. we ve had s great life together but changung countries , finanicial issues and depression and peri has taken a toll. It diesnt mean we cant get back to amazing . the foundations are strong.

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Original poster
Yolo89 · 09/04/2019 18:39

It is regarding a landlord tenancy issue. He is the only one on the lease

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teletubbies123 · 09/04/2019 18:41

Try to breath and have some alone time you are all over each other with the pressure. You and him can not do anymore to better the situation. All you can do is continue to work hard until you both find a way out of it.

teletubbies123 · 09/04/2019 18:42

It is regarding a landlord tenancy issue. He is the only one on the lease

Why is that an issue does he want to charge you more in rent?

Original poster
Yolo89 · 09/04/2019 18:46

annas girl - thank you.

im really over people belittling or making light of peri when it can be completely debilitating. I am on medication bit i have terrible problems still. Today ive just been in.tears over nothing, felt very agitated and irritable in.the playground, high anxiety. I can hardly go out at night as im.fearful and anxious. I feel anger like nothing ever before. It is just bloody awful. I am normally happy and chilled and i feel like a shell of myself

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Original poster
Yolo89 · 09/04/2019 18:47

tele - issues over repairs. They wont legally accept an email from me.

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Original poster
Yolo89 · 09/04/2019 18:51

Teddy - are you actually joking about te drinking??? Am.I making up he hides beer cans all over the house, gets wasted lies about how much he has drunk then tries to put childten to bed after belittling me and making me feel so low i just want to run
Yes im.making all this up.

in.regards to peri - i have tried various meds and am on.3 diff types at the moment plus magnesium.etc. im trying my hardest. From.that woman at work you should be able to see just how real thes symptoms are

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Original poster
Yolo89 · 09/04/2019 18:52

thanls tele - deep.breaths are good

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Original poster
Yolo89 · 09/04/2019 18:54

teddy - i do work

corey thank you your comments are really spot on regarding my situation

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Wolfiefan · 09/04/2019 18:57

His name is on the lease yet you pay?
You don’t have strong foundations. You have an alcoholic who isn’t capable of being a partner in any real sense of the word. If you think this can be “good” then you need to review the meaning of the word.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 09/04/2019 19:17

Wolfie - no he pays

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Wolfiefan · 09/04/2019 19:31

But you have money so you can move out and get your own place. Stop tolerating his behaviour.

GreytExpectations · 09/04/2019 19:34

Honestly, are you sure this is just peri? Id be concerned it may be masking a mental illness based on your responses and descriptions. Also, keep in mind you DP may not realise he needs help. You are giving him anger when he needs support. You say you arent comparing but your posts come across as if you think your peri trumps his depression. He is clearly suffering a lot and so are you. You both need help but he needs it a lot more as your anger towards him is probably making him feel worse.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 09/04/2019 19:40

Cory - yes the problems are made worse with alcohol and the fact he is nlr helpung himself then lying about drinking

Last night was the final wake up call for me. I cant live anymore like this as it is damaging for the family. He just carries on today like nothinghas happened..He gets cross if I try and address it. I have asked to see his counsellor with him this week (a new one) he has tried a few but doesnt like them. I have made an app with the gp tomorrow to put an.action plan in place so there are goals andso i knkw who he nedds to see - ie for alcohol etc. I have reaxhed out to his family begging his parents to come. They live on the other side of the world so it is not easy. They think he is ok as he sounds ok when they chat. I am trying my best to help but I just dont seem.him.doing the same..He makes light of it all.But this is definitely a wake up call.

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Original poster
Yolo89 · 09/04/2019 19:46

Grey - no it does not trump. Only that I am very actively seeking help and he is not being so active about getting help ad then drinking, all of which doesnt help me and the children..I look after the chilfren mainly so peri and them is very stressful. Do when you are in.this snd then your DH decies tp go out drinking til 2am when he should not be at all, then it is really really hard to feel empathy.

Why do you say there are more issues than peri? I have suffered depression after a break up so know what it feels like . I dont have this. All my symptoms are peri related..I am a very happy content person with peri andan alcohoic depressed husband and young children.

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Original poster
Yolo89 · 09/04/2019 19:47

Grey what is it that I describe that makes you think this??

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Original poster
Yolo89 · 09/04/2019 19:48

Wolfie - it is make or break.right now. He has to seek help or i will need to consider options

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optimisticpessimist01 · 09/04/2019 19:52

Why are you blaming him entirely for this? If my DH came home yelling and crying about how awful his day was I would be very, very concerned and getting angry about an e-mail would be the last thing on my mind

You both have issues going off and you both need to support each other. Yelling at each other is unacceptable.

Stop putting all the blame on your husband, he's crying from stress and you indicate he has a drinking problem- you should be concerned for him not angry. I think you need a step back, or a night alone without your husband to reassess everything

optimisticpessimist01 · 09/04/2019 19:55

You both need to seek options, not just your husband. Look at your behaviour as well as his. None of this is healthy. Go to the doctors, tell them the extremity of your life, this is very extreme to be just peri-menopausal.

If your making out your husband is as bad as he is then you need to leave him. If he is getting seriously stressed out and has severe mental health problems you need to support him.

Lizzie48 · 09/04/2019 19:56

I'm really sorry, OP, your situation is clearly a lot worse than it appeared from your opening post. I think that if you'd mentioned how bad the drinking was then you would have had completely different responses. I understand why you didn't, though, because at that point you were angry about one specific issue.

It's great that you're taking back control, but I do think you need to lay it on the line with your DH that you're not prepared to live like this any longer, and if he doesn't take steps to help himself the marriage will be over. It's a toxic household that your DC are living in.

I apologise for my earlier posts, I hadn't picked up how bad things were. No wonder you're angry all the time, especially with the peri-menopause as well. Thanks

GreytExpectations · 09/04/2019 20:01

Grey what is it that I describe that makes you think this??

Its the level of hysteria, anger, anxiety and sadness in your posts. Its difficult to believe that is all just peri menopause. And having a bout of post break up depression is not the same as clinical depression or anxiety. Its a illness that comes in different forms. You and your do need help. You need to start being kinder to him and accept the fact that he is seriously suffering. If you cant take on the reality of supporting a partner with his mental illness as well as your own than you need to leave him.

louise987 · 09/04/2019 20:03

The topic of this forum is AIBU - but it sounds like you only want one type of answer to that question and all others you dismiss.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 09/04/2019 20:16

Grey do you know much about peri?

I have been refused cbt on the NHS as they assessed me ad said my.problem.was not mental bit purely physiological..It is purely peri..

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Original poster
Yolo89 · 09/04/2019 20:17

louise - I am after constructive advice really. Rudeness no

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Original poster
Yolo89 · 09/04/2019 20:18

*rudeness

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