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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH behaviour is not excusable.

206 replies

Yolo89 · 09/04/2019 11:37

So DH had a really, really stressful day at work. He got yelled at as he is leaving and lots of meetings. Anyway, I was emailing him.as we needed to send an urgent email regarding our property by end of play yesterday. He never mentioned the stress he was under but at 2pm said he wpuld look at my email. (He had to send I could not) and at 5pm I messaged had he sent. He said he was busy at work amd would look at last night. I then got angry thinking how can he not realise the importance of it being sent end of day. I had been.doing email with my DD in.tow so it could be sent. I got very angry and was in.disbelief. My peri menopause irratability camw into play here also and made it worse.

When DH came home, he exploded yelling amd crying and literally looked like he was about to self combust. He said he'd haf a bad day and didnt I realise from.the emails? He had been yelled and didnt need to be yelled at by me on.top of this. I feel like he was angry from.work and taking it out on me. He then belittled my perimenopause telling me that I have to get myself under control and I explode at the slightest thing..Perimenopause makes these things very difficult I would say at times impossible. He has depression.bit seems to compare his anger to mine and thinks it is ok to explode like this at me in front of children then.carry on.as normal. He is not really confronting his depression. Please tell me - is it normal to explode like this after a stressful day? He camt hamdke stress at all and has a drinking problem.also. I cant take it any more. I am.sick of him
comparing my issues (which im.trying my hardest to fix) and his..Mine is a physiological issue and his is mental. Please help!! I dont know where to turn

OP posts:
JustHereWithMyPopcorn · 09/04/2019 13:14

For those dismissing peri menopausal symptoms or saying they've been through it and were fine, I think you are doing women a huge injustice. I have never been 'hormonal' through 30+ of periods but last year was hit like a brick with peri menopause. Huge depression, complete lack of tolerance, energy, will to live as well as the physical symptoms of horrendous hot flushes, lack of sleep, aches and pains, periods coming whenever they felt like it etc. etc.

If my DH had not sent an email that had been written for him, that he knew needed to be out by end of play and I was not allowed to do it then I would also be extremely cross. If my symptoms pre HRT were there than I could easily see that shouting would be happening.

Your DH had clearly had a bad day and is suffering from depression, the shouting won't have helped him but he was equally shouting at you and telling you to sort yourself out. You both need to visit your GPs - you to look into HRT or other treatments to help manage your symptoms and him to get help with his depression.

Good luck to you both.

Ce7913 · 09/04/2019 13:17

"...Please go easy on your husband. Show him love and compassion when he gets home..."

I suspect OP has been doing that for a very long time, to no effect and with nothing approaching commensurate effort from her husband, and is finally out of juice.

I would be, too. The emotional train in a relationship with an untreated, wallowing, self-indulgent alcoholic only goes one way. They inevitably suck you dry.

"...Home should be a safe haven from the outside world...."

Yes, home should be a safe haven.

Bur OP can't be both sides of a healthy relationship. OP's husband has been actively undermining her and her child's 'safe haven' for goodness knows how long, passing out in the middle of the kitchen floor and refusing to get therapy/maintain his medical regimen.

minmooch · 09/04/2019 13:20

@JustHereWithMyPopcorn I'm not dismissing the symptoms. I've been having them myself for years. But I still have to work full time, run a house, look after an elderly parent etc - without losing my temper and saying that people don't understand.

The op has bigger issues here - her alcoholic husband.

gamerchick · 09/04/2019 13:21

Jeez. I feel for your DH. If you’re like this peri I dread his life when menopause hits

Indeed. I actively avoid family members who are going through menopause because family members don't rein themselves in as they would with strangers.

OP you need to stop using this to excuse your behaviour. Just stop, find a way to manage your symptoms.

Your husband should be finding a way to manage his problems as well as you're obviously not communicating properly and in the middle of this shitshow there are little eyes and ears watching and listening.

Dyrne · 09/04/2019 13:24

Do people understand that sometimes being at work means, you know, actually working?

Things change. For example yesterday, I was suddenly pulled into a 3 hour afternoon meeting because the shit had hit the fan and we needed to do damage control. If i’d Promised in the morning to send an email, that’s because I was expecting to be at my desk doing admin/planning work. The reality turned out to be very different! Doesn’t mean i’m Unreliable or shit, just that my managers and co-workers would not appreciate me nipping out to take care of some personal life admin.

Honestly OP, I have had the kind of job which had me crying at home, and it’s utterly, utterly shit.

People are also probably still responding to your initial OP, where you basically said that because his depression is a mental issue, it’s not as important or as valid as your physiological one, which is massively unreasonable.

I recommend you start a new thread asking for advice on how to approach your husband about seeking help with his depression and his drinking and his general behaviour; because being fed up with that is not UR, but you’re just going to continue to get a pasting here because of your original post.

JustHereWithMyPopcorn · 09/04/2019 13:28

My comment was not aimed specifically at you minmooch, it was a general comment to several posters. I also work full time , have 2 DSs secondary school age, dealt with my mum's cancer and subsequent death last year etc. I think most peri menopausal women are in a similar boat and we are allowed to get angry sometimes especially when other people add unnecessarily to our stress - we are human.

Yes, her DH does need to get help.

EmNetta · 09/04/2019 13:45

I've only read about three-quarters of this thread, but am surprised that in all the comments, suggestions and own-stories etc, no-one seems to have suggested Al-Anon for the OP, whether her DH gets help for his problems or not, it's really the best way forward for both.

SerenaOverjoyed · 09/04/2019 13:48

It sounds like you've both had a tough day.

There is a big theme of invalidating your DH's frustrustion and pain, while downplaying your own accountability -

  • I am more enyitled upset and shout because I am experiencing peri-menopause
  • DH is less entitled to feel upset and shout because he has a MH problem
  • DH's pain is invalid because he does not seek help
  • DH does not seek help for drinking and therefore deserves no sympathy

You have bigger problems than an email. Your DH was tearful after work and is trying to hide his drinking. This is concerning, and I would encourage you to try and reframe your (understandable) frustration as concern, because it's clear your DH is not coping. He does need to tackle this, but this is no easy task, and he will need some understanding and compassion. If you really can't drum this up I can't see a point in continuing with the marriage.

number1wang · 09/04/2019 13:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 09/04/2019 13:55

you both sound in a very bad place but having read all your posts I think he is more at fault overall. Not getting help for his depression and drinking to excess regularly are not good at all. And a spendthrift as well, it sounds like.

I think you need to step back from this relationship for a while and I would suggest you post in Relationships, not about this single incident but about the whole situation, I think you will find help and support there.

teletubbies123 · 09/04/2019 13:58

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EdWinchester · 09/04/2019 14:00

You seem a bit consumed by your own problems, but I’d be more worried about him tbh.

HollowTalk · 09/04/2019 14:05

@teletubbies123 did you miss the bit where she said the email had to go from her husband's email address? He had to send I could not

If the property is in his name, he would have to deal with it.

teletubbies123 · 09/04/2019 14:10

My mum suffered depression and still is. She used to visit a therapist and you know what she said to her in the end and she weren't wrong it was my dad who was depressing her. It could be the op who is depressing him and it wouldn't surprise me if it was true. He would rather get drunk and sleep on the kitchen floor than spend the night with her. Women can be abusive to not only men.

MyFavouriteDress1 · 09/04/2019 14:10

You both have problems by the sounds of it. Can you sit down together and talk about them in a non confrontational way. Perhaps show him that you have some compassion for his problems but explain that you have your own too and work together to avoid such explosive situations. Alternatively, you could call it quits and split up.

BlueSkiesLies · 09/04/2019 14:11

six of one and half a dozen of the other - your relationship sounds stressful

teletubbies123 · 09/04/2019 14:12

If the property is in his name, he would have to deal with it.

She will not benefit from it then?

Aquilla · 09/04/2019 14:15

Do you think pioneer women had 'peri-menopause'? No, they just got on with it. Next time you get a bit emosh, close your eyes and imagine it's 1840. Now open them and look at all your labour saving appliances and medicine. And thank your lucky stars!
FWIW, my DH is really easy going but hates me bugging him at work too.

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 09/04/2019 14:16

Do you think pioneer women had 'peri-menopause'?

err, what? Pioneer women would have been dead before they got to that stage.

Bluntness100 · 09/04/2019 14:17

Op. I'm struggling with this. You wrote a very unpleasant and selfish op regarding your husband, then when replies didn't go your way you drip fed in he was a raving alcoholic and shit with money.

I seriously wonder if that is true or you're so desperate to be validated you're over exaggerating and throwing your own husband under the bus.

Acis · 09/04/2019 14:19

Why couldn't he send the email from home before he went to work? It's always iffy assuming you can send things from work because (a) you're paid to concentrate on your employer's business and (b) you can rarely guarantee that you'll have time.

Are you able to control your perimenopausal symptoms around your children?

53rdWay · 09/04/2019 14:21

Christ people, at least read SOME of the thread.

She explained in her original post that she couldn’t send this email. It had to go in his name.

She also mentioned the drinking problems in her first post too.

LEELULUMPKIN · 09/04/2019 14:23

If my DH had come home from work crying the last thing on my mind would have been an email.

FactsOfLife · 09/04/2019 14:34

People explode sometimes. If it's regular then it's a problem.
You both should apologise.
And there is medication that both of you can take.
Seriously get both of you to the gp!

AuntMarch · 09/04/2019 14:39

Your husband had such a terrible day and is a bad enough place mentally that he came home and cried. And instead of being there for him you made him feel worse.

Then you ask "AIBU" and are then unpleasant to the posters who say you are.

Why did you post it?! You clearly didn't want to listen to anyone else any more than you were willing to listen to your husband.