To think DH behaviour is not excusable.

[Yolo89]

So DH had a really, really stressful day at work. He got yelled at as he is leaving and lots of meetings. Anyway, I was emailing him.as we needed to send an urgent email regarding our property by end of play yesterday. He never mentioned the stress he was under but at 2pm said he wpuld look at my email. (He had to send I could not) and at 5pm I messaged had he sent. He said he was busy at work amd would look at last night. I then got angry thinking how can he not realise the importance of it being sent end of day. I had been.doing email with my DD in.tow so it could be sent. I got very angry and was in.disbelief. My peri menopause irratability camw into play here also and made it worse.

When DH came home, he exploded yelling amd crying and literally looked like he was about to self combust. He said he'd haf a bad day and didnt I realise from.the emails? He had been yelled and didnt need to be yelled at by me on.top of this. I feel like he was angry from.work and taking it out on me. He then belittled my perimenopause telling me that I have to get myself under control and I explode at the slightest thing..Perimenopause makes these things very difficult I would say at times impossible. He has depression.bit seems to compare his anger to mine and thinks it is ok to explode like this at me in front of children then.carry on.as normal. He is not really confronting his depression. Please tell me - is it normal to explode like this after a stressful day? He camt hamdke stress at all and has a drinking problem.also. I cant take it any more. I am.sick of him
comparing my issues (which im.trying my hardest to fix) and his..Mine is a physiological issue and his is mental. Please help!! I dont know where to turn

taco - ah far more to it than I can go into.

If you talk to your husband the way you’ve replied to some pp then I feel sorry for him

exactly Rachie - you have no.idea!

@Yolo89 I really don’t think you being shitty to other posters is going to help people see things from your side.

I understand how frustrating it is when someone suffering from depression won’t help themselves. You need to issue an ultimatum about the drinking because alcohol can be a depressive substance in itself. Your DH is an adult and as such he needs to take responsibility for his mental health and understand that excessive drinking is only going to make him feel worse, not better.

However, you sound incredibly self absorbed, saying that none of us understand. Illness is not a competition, nor is the severity of hormone problems. Mental illness is REAL. It’s not an excuse. If you want to stay married then you need to accept that you’re not the only person with health problems.

Your DH is depressed; it sounds like his job is horrific and I find it hard to believe that you only had between 9 and 5 on the same day to get this email written and sent. What if your DH was an emergency services worker and physically too busy to send an email while at work?

Your husband came home crying

He came home crying and yelling at her. It sounds like a lot of unhealthy anger on both sides.

Mollys is right.
If he’s so awful and abusing alcohol and drinking away your money and generally being shit? Leave.

I think you are both fighting different personal/physical/psychological battles and that all came to a big unfortunate head that day.

You need to both take a deep breath in and stop for 5 minutes to wrangle all the moving parts into order and priority and requirements and responsibilities.

To paraphrase a MN fave, menu plan your respective workloads for the week so there are no nasty last minute surprises like this.

He came home crying and yelling at her. It sounds like a lot of unhealthy anger on both sides.

It also sounds like a chronically stressful environment for a child.

Yolo - you don’t understand AIBU clearly. You’ve come on here to have everyone agree that your husband is a wanker not to be given perspectives on whether you are or are not unreasonable. Now you’re getting snippy and only thanking people who agree with you. Plus massively drip feeding. You’ve committed all the crimes. I hereby banish you from AIBU

CE and HB stowe - you have summed it up very well and made it very clear what i need to do. thank you.

thanks for the other constructive understanding comments - very helpful

YWBU.

I imagine whatever the email was, 'by the end of the day' meant no one would read it until the next morning anyway. Everything is fixable as long as no one is dead, imo. Pick your battles and I say this as I'm trying to learn this myself. Yes, you're entitled to be pissed off but try and understand where he's coming from

It sounds like there are way bigger problems that need addressing other than emails, perhaps you both need to look to the reason for his drinking?

Honestly, I think you need to take a look at your relationship and decide if in the middle of all of this is a good place for your children to be. It sounds toxic and certainly not a stable environment for them.

In the meantime, it seems like you both need to work on communicating effectively rather than getting angry, exploding at each other and fueling each others' anger even more - it's a vicious circle where no one wins.

In answer to your actual question - yes, you were BU, but so was DH - you both need to take a step back and look at how you could have handled this differently, and learn from it. Next time, maybe you could ensure that important emails aren't left until 3 hours before they have to be sent, maybe he could be clearer about the type of day he is having at work, maybe you could avoid getting really angry when something doesn't go how you want, maybe he could avoid taking out his bad day on you (especially in front of the kids).

If his drinking is that much of a problem, you might want to consider contacting his GP - alcoholism generally gets worse, not better, with no intervention or help.

Good luck to you both.

I feel sorry for your child. You both seem consumed with yourselves. If you can't communicate with each other, then your child will have very bad role models.

I would advise that you draw a line under it and start talking rationally, listening to each other. You both sound entrenched in your positions, determined that each of you are the victim and not willing to compromise.

I understand that you feel stressed - I'm in the peri-menopause period at the moment. However, you need to start expressing your feelings in a calmer way. Tell him how his drinking makes you feel, that it puts extra pressure on both of you. Explain that you would like him to be more explicit if he is under pressure and can't act, not assume that you can tell.

As for the peri-menopause, despite how it makes you feel, it is not your husband's or your child's problem. Find something that can help. Mild exercise, getting out, swimming, etc. I take a walk every evening to get out and clear my head. Even if I'm tired, it helps.

Most of all, find something to relieve the pressure as a family. Otherwise this is only going to end badly!

What a brat.

I don't think this relationship sounds healthy for either of you. It's certainly not healthy for children.

Him exploding at you is not okay..
You exploding at him and blaming perimenopause is not okay.

I was getting angry at him over email asking him to send the email. It is built up from.the fact I cant trust him to take care of things like a deadline. This was important to send.

In this case you should have asked him for his password so you could deal with & send the urgent email, from his account.

"...I cant trust him to take care of things like a deadline. This was important to send..."

"...je had to send a email from.his email as I am nlt legally entitled to. I wrote, he only had tp press send..."

So you reminded him at least twice that we know of, and even wrote the email for him, and he still didn't send it?

He could have reminded himself, or written it himself, set an alarm to make sure it was sent on time or scheduled the email to send automatically, but did none of those things.

He made every single step of the way your problem, your responsibility, and now it's still your problem because of his failure to adult.

I'd bet all my internet money that the weight of emotional labour in your marriage as almost entirely your burden to bear.

I'd also lay odds that your marriage is characterised by you overfunctioning to compensate for his chronic underfunctioning.

Have you read "Codependent No More"?

"...He never talks yet expects me to know he is depressed and take care of him..."

"...he drinks to cope and is horrible and wont do anythjng to help himself..."

He sounds self-indulgent, entitled, immature, emotionally lazy and irresponsible.

*"...husband that...is terrible with money and wasted your inheritance and wont do anything to help himself?..."

How did he 'waste' your inheritance?

'Waste' is a blame-laden word. It implies more recklessness or irresponsibility than, say, 'lost'.

"...He says I should read btween the lines of his email saying he was having a busy day to that he was having an awfully stressful day. I did not reafmd it as such. He
never speaks up, his family dont talk. I am just supposed to guess he is having a bad day..This is why he explodes. He never talks yet expects me to know he is depressed and take care of him. He drinks a lot and does not much to help himself therefore it is hard to have sympathy..."

Definitely read "Codependent No More" and consider therapy for yourself regardless of what treatment your husband seeks or fails to seek.

His extreme inability to identify or adequately and appropriately communicate his feelings or needs is one hundred percent not your fault or problem, yet he is trying to make it so, then blame you for not meeting them. This is unacceptable, and another example of the disproportionate emotional labour and under/overfunctioning dynamic that I strongly suspect is in play.

It is not your job to scurry around like Dobby the elf, anticipating and pre-emptively addressing his feelings and needs while he does nothing to address them himself.

You need to grow up, you need to manage your symptoms instead of transferring them on to others with excusing your behaviour due to you not managing your symptoms, honestly OP group up.

I have family members going through cancer treatment and have life limited conditions and they don’t behave remotely in this matter.

You throwing your toys out the pram like a spoilt brat !!!

What time was the deadline and was the email eventually send off?

I think I get where you are coming from. I also have a DH who is head in the sand about all financial and legal matters. After 20 years I apply this test: will [whatever] not getting done directly inconvenience me and/or DD? If the answer's yes, I do it myself and if it's no, I leave him to deal with it and accept no responsibility if there's any fallout. I figure he benefits enough from my unpaid secretarial work as it is.

Seriously what is it with people constantly interrupting their partners AT WORK?

Many normal people communicate with their partners while at work. That isn't particularly unusual.

Your poor husband. I had a job once where the manager kept shouting at me. It made me depressed and I cried as soon as I got home. I understand that you're going through hormonal changes that do affect your life. Please see a gp and see if they can start you on hrt. Please go easy on your husband. Show him love and compassion when he gets home. Home should be a safe haven from the outside world.

Everybody has 'peri-menopause'- it's not an excuse for failing to cope with ordinary things. Get over it!

You seem to have much bigger issues than this email.

Your husband sounds like a (not very well) functioning alcoholic. Only he can help himself. If he won't address this issue then I suggest you look in to leaving him. This is no fun for the whole family.

As for your perimenopause - you probably pissed off a huge number of women on this board all going through peri/menopause. We have to work, look after elderly, look after children, run houses whilst still going through the menopause. When you say we don't understand, we do only too well.

Your husband should not take his depression/ anger out on you - you are right, it is no excuse.

But neither should you take your perimenopause/anger out on him - it's no excuse.

Deal with the much bigger issues that you have.

You still have not answered the question as to what happened when the email did not get sent?

Mental health symptoms are just as serious as physical symptoms, in fact worse as you tend to get better understanding for physical symptoms!

^^This. I can understand your frustration that your DH isn't getting help for his depression and is drinking, but he really does sound like he's in a bad place. Nagging him isn't going have the desired result. (Sorry, that is what you're doing.)

Either way, it's a toxic environment for your DC.