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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think DH behaviour is not excusable.

206 replies

Yolo89 · 09/04/2019 11:37

So DH had a really, really stressful day at work. He got yelled at as he is leaving and lots of meetings. Anyway, I was emailing him.as we needed to send an urgent email regarding our property by end of play yesterday. He never mentioned the stress he was under but at 2pm said he wpuld look at my email. (He had to send I could not) and at 5pm I messaged had he sent. He said he was busy at work amd would look at last night. I then got angry thinking how can he not realise the importance of it being sent end of day. I had been.doing email with my DD in.tow so it could be sent. I got very angry and was in.disbelief. My peri menopause irratability camw into play here also and made it worse.

When DH came home, he exploded yelling amd crying and literally looked like he was about to self combust. He said he'd haf a bad day and didnt I realise from.the emails? He had been yelled and didnt need to be yelled at by me on.top of this. I feel like he was angry from.work and taking it out on me. He then belittled my perimenopause telling me that I have to get myself under control and I explode at the slightest thing..Perimenopause makes these things very difficult I would say at times impossible. He has depression.bit seems to compare his anger to mine and thinks it is ok to explode like this at me in front of children then.carry on.as normal. He is not really confronting his depression. Please tell me - is it normal to explode like this after a stressful day? He camt hamdke stress at all and has a drinking problem.also. I cant take it any more. I am.sick of him
comparing my issues (which im.trying my hardest to fix) and his..Mine is a physiological issue and his is mental. Please help!! I dont know where to turn

OP posts:
teletubbies123 · 09/04/2019 14:41

53rdWay I know she put it in her original post but there is no such thing as cant do it. She could have done it for him but choose not to because she wanted him to do it. The amount of things that I do for my dp to help him out that he should do but it doesn't mean that I cant do it to help him out. My dp would have a nervous breakdown if he was made to do it all.

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 09/04/2019 14:44

so she should have forged her DH's email in a legal matter, tele?

corythatwas · 09/04/2019 14:44

Do you think pioneer women had 'peri-menopause'? No, they just got on with it. Next time you get a bit emosh, close your eyes and imagine it's 1840.

Have you ever thought of reading some history instead of just spouting about it?

People had MH problems in the 19th century. In fact, that is where a lot of modern psychiatry started developing and specialised institutions were built- presumably not because they foresaw it would become needed 180 years later, but because it was needed then.

Poor people develop MH problems.

In particularly stressful places, such as refugee camps, MH problems are rife: ask any medical aid staff.

The myth of the jolly no-nonsense, no nervous nonsense people of the past/"the third world" is just that, a myth. All it means is "I can't imagine that they were real people, as vulnerable as you and me". It's like when people used to say servants have no feelings.

Yes, the OP said a bloody stupid thing with her "mine is physiological, his is mental" and speaking as the menopausal mother of a child with "mental" problems I very much hope she never says a
anything as bloody stupid in her life again.

But otoh, she is dealing not only with her own health problems and her husband's health problems but also with a husband who drinks. That is a lot to cope with and it is harder to deal with an ill person who seems to exacerbate his problems rather than seeking help.

OP, hopefully this will act as a bit of a wake-up call for both you and your husband. He is not coping, his problems are real, but he owes it both to himself and to his family to try to get help.

Teddybear45 · 09/04/2019 14:48

I worked for a lady who was going through perimenopause unmedicated because she didn’t want to put ‘drugs into her body’; yet she was horrific to work for. It got so bad that our company got occupational health involved and they then gave her an ultimatum to get treatment or they would start proceedings for dismissal. Just because you don’t work doesn’t mean you have a carte blanche to abuse your DH. Sort your treatment out.

I don’t believe he has a drinking problem for a second. OP clearly made that up to save face.

Chloemol · 09/04/2019 14:52

Sounds like you are as bad as each other, both using your health as a reason why you can legitimise shouting at each other. Take a step back and look at what you wrote, hardly sympathise is it

Annasgirl · 09/04/2019 14:52

@Aquilla

Would you say to someone with severe depression "do you think the Romans had depression, get on with it?"

If so then you have zero understanding or empathy. If you would not, then please realise very bad perimenopause is the same as clinical depression and anxiety.

teletubbies123 · 09/04/2019 14:54

so she should have forged her DH's email in a legal matter, tele?

She is not a stranger to what he is doing is she?

She did type out the email for him and from what she has posted all he had to do was press send. That's it. Why did she type it out for him. If it was me I would have sent it if he was busy especially if there was a deadline to meet.

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 09/04/2019 15:01

OK, not engaging any more with someone who is so up themselves they can't be arsed to read the OP's posts.

AhhhHereItGoes · 09/04/2019 15:06

You sound like you are not good for each other anymore.

He has depression which can be very serious, dehibilatating and Avery lonely place - but it doesn't mean you have to put up with his bad behaviour. Whether he can control his behaviour is quite irrelevant - his behaviour is negatively effecting the family.

I've suffered from depression from 11 years old - I know what a crap place it can be. But I also know I had to make a step to make things better, otherwise they never would be.

Comparing which is worse is not helpful but seeing what negatively effects your child(ten) is important to consider.

I think some posters aren't paying attention to the details of some of his behaviour. I think what trumps it for me is you're reaching out for help, he is not.

I know some are more 'hidden' than others, but when you have a family you need to consider them in your actions too.

IHateUncleJamie · 09/04/2019 15:06

very bad perimenopause is the same as clinical depression and anxiety.

Well, that’s not entirely accurate. Depression and anxiety can be lifelong; peri-menopause at least has a finite duration. The symptoms might be equally distressing (in different ways) but to say they are “the same” is not true.

What does stand out is that the OP seems to think that her symptoms entitle her to yell and explode but her DH’s don’t. Which is not ideal, to say the least.

buzzbobbly · 09/04/2019 15:07

Regarding the "he had to send it" bit, I frequently send legal and similarly important docs from my own work email, adding "sent on behalf of " because they are offline at the time.

It can't be such a hard and fast rule because then what do you do about people who have joint [email protected] or non-specific "[email protected] addresses.

It could just be down to satisfying audit trails - they need something in writing with the written authority of the named person. Whether that is OP sending it on behalf of, or her just sending it and signing his name, is really neither her nor there for those purposes.

Acis · 09/04/2019 15:09

Teletubbies, it looks as if they email had to go out from her husband's email address and something sent by OP wouldn't have had legal validity. What I don't understand is why it couldn't have gone from a home email address, assuming that they have one.

CantStopMeNow · 09/04/2019 15:09

do yiu have a husband that drinks, is terrible with money and wasted your inheritance and wont do anything to help himself?
Yet you choose to remain married to him and go through this shit over and over again.

Seems to me like you're choosing to stay in this dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship.

Danesmommy1 · 09/04/2019 15:13

Both of y'all sound a mess. Focus on your behavior and ask him to focus on his And both of y'all DO BETTER.

BollocksToBrexit · 09/04/2019 15:27

You make it sound like there's no love or respect in this marriage or even basic human compassion. So what's the point of it continuing?

echidna1 · 09/04/2019 15:33

do yiu have a husband that drinks, is terrible with money and wasted your inheritance and wont do anything to help himself?

Let's cut to the chase here, OP (as you have started with saying the above statement)..........

You are inadvertently setting him up to prove that he can be relied upon and trusted to do an important task. He failed, because he can't be relied upon anymore, can he?

You keep giving him chances to prove himself and each time he will fail.

If he really has depression, then alcohol is the worst possible thing to keep having - it's a depressant!!

He sounds like he has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, and you sound as though you are in total denial about this.

You can't change his behaviour, but you can change yours. Get off his back, stop depending on him, open your eyes to what is really going on here.

Palaver1 · 09/04/2019 15:35

I just know how it can feel and be when your under pressure at work.
House moves are also stressful.
If he came back and cried it’s. sounds really bad.
You both might need support.
You want to hold on too your marriage or end it cos this is the slippery slope to an ending.Trust me I’m going through one.
I hope things work well for you and him.
Maybe you wrote that post in anger.most people are giving you good advice.

JaneEyre07 · 09/04/2019 15:36

Do you think this is a healthy environment to raise a child in, OP?

I think you both need to take accountability for your own actions. You were presumably together all weekend which is when the email should have been sent.

teletubbies123 · 09/04/2019 15:41

OK, not engaging any more with someone who is so up themselves they can't be arsed to read the OP's posts.

WeepingWillowWeepingWino I think its a case of we are not reading the op's post properly even I missed this bit. I could have made my point better. Read below.

Anyway, I was emailing him.as we needed to send an urgent email regarding our property by end of play yesterday.

OUR property. WTF is she forging then its their property. The op is choosing to be difficult.

WeepingWillowWeepingWino · 09/04/2019 15:55

There are plenty of things (broadband/phone package springs to mind) that are 'ours' but in my name only with my email against the account. I know your desperate to paint the OP in an even worse light that she's done herself but do try to think a little. When I was a SAHM and DH was paying the mortgage alone was our house no longer ours? Just his?

teletubbies123 · 09/04/2019 16:08

WeepingWillowWeepingWino You are not reading it properly why do you think she is pissed off. I get it now after reading that. They are buying a property together and he ain't pulling his weight he's messing about. I think its her inheritance money going in to that property. Forget the menopause she is upset about this man who drinks and struggles to take responsibility. He is a man child.

I would be very difficult to live with if I had all that going on around me and all I wanted to do was progress.

SilverySurfer · 09/04/2019 16:17

Yet another thread which makes me thankful and happy that I live alone.

What is the point of being in this relationship when neither of you are understanding of the other's medical issues and you communicate by shouting and yelling? What do you think your child is learning from this?

Yolo89 · 09/04/2019 18:32

i never ever meant my problems are more than his. Never ever. I was stating a fact - mine are pyshiological and his mental. Just the fact that is true. I have low moods but they are caused ny my drops in oestrigen rather than being depressed about anything.

So my DH issues are diffetent but no.less valid. The difference is ge is nlt dping much to help himself and n fact being self destructive drinking. He rants in front 9f the children and tells me he is capable of putting them to bed when he is not. It is awful.

This is where i lack empathy for him.- an unwillgness to help himself.

OP posts:
Yolo89 · 09/04/2019 18:35

jane - no it isnt. it is bloody terrible. i am at my drs every few weeks trying to deal wotj mamaging my issues. plus we are seeing a family psychologist. I hate it. im.a happy loving person and peri has changed me.

My husband took no responsibility for this email over the weekend and it was left to me to do.

OP posts:
teletubbies123 · 09/04/2019 18:36

Whats about the property you are both getting. If he is so dysfunctional why are you investing more with him. Do you want to be with him.