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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH behaviour is not excusable.

206 replies

Yolo89 · 09/04/2019 11:37

So DH had a really, really stressful day at work. He got yelled at as he is leaving and lots of meetings. Anyway, I was emailing him.as we needed to send an urgent email regarding our property by end of play yesterday. He never mentioned the stress he was under but at 2pm said he wpuld look at my email. (He had to send I could not) and at 5pm I messaged had he sent. He said he was busy at work amd would look at last night. I then got angry thinking how can he not realise the importance of it being sent end of day. I had been.doing email with my DD in.tow so it could be sent. I got very angry and was in.disbelief. My peri menopause irratability camw into play here also and made it worse.

When DH came home, he exploded yelling amd crying and literally looked like he was about to self combust. He said he'd haf a bad day and didnt I realise from.the emails? He had been yelled and didnt need to be yelled at by me on.top of this. I feel like he was angry from.work and taking it out on me. He then belittled my perimenopause telling me that I have to get myself under control and I explode at the slightest thing..Perimenopause makes these things very difficult I would say at times impossible. He has depression.bit seems to compare his anger to mine and thinks it is ok to explode like this at me in front of children then.carry on.as normal. He is not really confronting his depression. Please tell me - is it normal to explode like this after a stressful day? He camt hamdke stress at all and has a drinking problem.also. I cant take it any more. I am.sick of him
comparing my issues (which im.trying my hardest to fix) and his..Mine is a physiological issue and his is mental. Please help!! I dont know where to turn

OP posts:
Original poster
Yolo89 · 09/04/2019 20:21

thanks optomistic -.I told the GP O see regularly who is managing my peri aboyt my husband and she said she was overwhelmed by it all. She also said I was an 8 out of ten for severity of symptoms.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 09/04/2019 20:24

The only constructive advice anyone can give you is to ditch the lying alcoholic. Confused
Nobody can make him seek treatment.

GreytExpectations · 09/04/2019 20:25

Well clearly the physio illness is creating side effects which are mental. Your GPs refusing to treat you for the symptoms you are experiencing is not right and you really should keep going back and complaining instead of using it as an excuse for your behaviour. You still are giving the impression that your peri is a bigger deal then you dp's depression.

AIBU is known for their bluntness and you were rude to quite a few posters so of course your going to get attitude back. You are just looking for people to agree with you

HarrysOwl · 09/04/2019 20:40

OP, if your behaviour is excusable due to hormones then lend your DH the same courtesy; his behaviour is excusable because of his stress at work and dependency on alcohol.

You can't be hypocritical and hate him for being stressed and shouting when you're stressed and shouting too. Whatever is going on mentally or physically, you should both be able to exert enough self control to communicate positively.

Iflyaway · 09/04/2019 20:41

He sleeps on the kitchen floor?!! Shock

Spent your inheritance?! What's that all about then?...you're a fool for not putting it to your own solo bank account

We still don't know why he had to deal with this particular email from you at work, maybe you both don't deal with official stuff in a timely manner.

I'm sorry you're both going through this hard time.

However, you are not coming across as sympathetic or nice to posters here taking time out to try to be of help.

Never had a problem really with menopause but had endometriosis, a horrible disease. Never felt that gave me the right to treat people like shit...

SidekickSally · 09/04/2019 20:43

This is not healthy for either of you and your children. Have you talked about or thought about separating for a while. If your foundations are strong you can salvage a relationship but I feel you have to both step out of it for a while otherwise it just will not get better.

corythatwas · 09/04/2019 22:11

OP, I know I was sympathetic re the alcohol, but at the same time I am absolutely staggered that you keep going on as if mental health problems were somehow "less real" than hormonal problems. The truth is, we don't know what causes most mental health problems and it may well be that a lot of those are hormonal as well.

And being refused CBT isn't some kind of proof that your illness is more physical: my dd had CBT to deal with her chronic joint pains which are definitely due to a chemical imbalance. CBT doesn't cure either mental illness or physical pain; it just helps you to bear them.

Icantthinkofasinglenamehelp · 10/04/2019 06:39

I actually think YABU and you should be more understanding. It sounds like your husband had an awful day, was under so much stress, and really didn't need any more.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/04/2019 07:49

Corey - let me make this clear
.In no way am.I stating my problems are more than mental ones at all
In no way. I had a friend who committed suicide a few years ago and I jabe siffered a bit of depression.after a break up. Different but I know how it feels. And truly it is harrowing I know not to be able to see light at the end of the tunnel. My issue wotj DH is lack of initative to help himself..I've called many places about alcohol and he had done nothing. I cant drag him.there. He is trying to fond a counsellor thay suits bit ive now said ill join as feel a few sessions together are good. I am talkimg tp his GP today
You must undetstand also he bottles ot all up and doesnt talk to me about it sp I dpnt know what he is really going through.

As for the CBT - i was told that i didnt habe mental health issues so NHS wouldnt treat me. ie low moods caused by oestrogen dtopping not me feeling nad about something. Not to say it couldnt be effective but they wpuld not offer it.

Mental health is very real please dont think i.dont think this cause I do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/04/2019 07:51

I can- yrs nit he communicated none if this pver email whhoch is when i started to grt angry. He expected me to guess he' d had a bad day

OP posts:
Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/04/2019 07:58

thanks @Lizzie48

I really appreciate you last post. Yes I was honed in on one thing - it is very hard to give all details that perhaps people might need to know!

I have told my DH that things need to change and fast and I'm consulting with his GP today to come up with a plan. Ive told him this could be damaging to the children and I'm not having it any more. I'm trying my best to do all I can to manage my symptoms and he needs to do the same. O can't take it anymore.We talked last night and I told him this. He understands

thank you for your understanding

OP posts:
Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/04/2019 08:04

Ccrey - my symptoms are all about a chemical imbalance. Ie low mood,.anxiety, weepiness, cortisol. My only point was that I dont actually have a mental health issue so that is why they wont treat me. If it wasn't for my peri i would my my usual happy ,.content self which trust me I'm dying to get back to..I really really haye being this way and loads of facebook.support groups say the same..Women going through hell.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/04/2019 08:05

I have never ever said mental health is less real than othetlr problems.I just said they were different

please can we stop the comments on this.

OP posts:
Decormad38 · 10/04/2019 08:11

Your DH crying when he comes home is a serious sign he’s struggling badly.

Why couldn’t you just sort the emails. I did all of ours when we were buying a house. You can’t have it both ways. If he’s in charge of sorting house stuff then leave him to get on with it OR do it yourself.

Peri menopause yes Im in that but lets face it like pregnancy its a normal cycle of life isn’t it. It’s not a disease!

regmover · 10/04/2019 08:20

1 - Maybe time to stop beating the Op up now?
2 - Maybe before repeating things that have already been said to her - take time to at least read what she's posted on the thread?

It is like a feeding frenzy on here sometimes. Sad

GreytExpectations · 10/04/2019 08:44

OP, you still seem to have a warped view of what depression and mental illness actually is. you even said yourself "feeling sad about something.", depression really isn't just feeling sad about something. If this is the way you see it then maybe your DH bottles things up because you're not making yourself approachable to him? You yelled at him when he came home from work crying- why would he want to open up and lay out his vulnerable self to you if that's the sort of attitude you give him? Do you realize that someone who is suffering doesn't exactly see the suffering the way you would see it? It takes a lot of a person who is in the low of a place to understand they need help. If you can't support him through this or don't want to then you really need to leave him.

cherrytree63 · 10/04/2019 08:48

Yolo you have my sympathy re yoir peri menopausal symptoms.
I totally lost the plot when I was going through it.
I had never had PMT, always had regular periods with minimal pain, couldn't understand other women moaning about their periods. I was always happy and balanced, never moody.
I literally changed overnight into a monster. I bottled it all up so I didn't lash out at my family, until one day I erupted when I was home alone, and found myself head butting a door with rage.
I went to the GP and bawled my eyes out. She was lovely (which made me cry even more).
I ended up on Fluoxetine and having a Mirena fitted and the change was almost immediate.
And my OH is a drinker too, so I know how problematic it can be.

Holidayshopping · 10/04/2019 08:53

Mine is a physiological issue and his is mental.

Is that important-does it matter?

HarrysOwl · 10/04/2019 08:57

my symptoms are all about a chemical imbalance

So is depression. Depression is just as physical as a broken leg.

chuttypicks · 10/04/2019 09:14

Massive drip feeding from the op with regards to her DH here, and yet another op who asks if they ABU, is told that they are and then insists that they're not!!! Why even ask OP if you're not willing to take in what people are saying?

Welcometotherock · 10/04/2019 10:08

You can self refer for CBT in most areas OP if you think it would help.

GreytExpectations · 10/04/2019 10:13

I do agree with above, you should look into self referring for CBT for yourself. You keep saying about your moods being caused by a chemical imbalance and hormones, well what do you think depression is caused by? It has also been said to be due to a chemical imbalance in the brain which is why anti-depressants can work.

If you calm yourself down, and actually read and have a think about the posts on here that are explaining why YABU then it could really help.

reallyanotherone · 10/04/2019 10:40

I am talkimg tp his GP today

You can talk to his GP on his behalf but can’t send an email?

I have sent countless emails on my dh’s behalf. I either send them pp, or just add his name to the bottom, or send them from his account. An email address is fairly anonymous so ime even for legal stuff the account it comes from is not important. If it is that important you usually send the email then have to follow up with a signed hard copy, because anyone can send anything over email.

I can’t, however, talk to his Gp on his behalf as he has capacity to deal with his own health issues.

It sounds like you are picking fights rather than actively trying to solve issues.

DinaCaliente · 10/04/2019 10:42

I'm on Prozac for the Menopause.

GP's should try HRT in the first place but I wasn't getting on with any of the Progesterones they tried me on so I'm on Fluoxetine instead.

Does wonders, maybe you'd be better off on SSRIs.

Sorrywhat · 10/04/2019 12:02

OP, well done for finally seeing that you need to help and encourage your husband through this. From the earlier parts of this thread it seemed you were willing to give up as well. Remember that male suicide is do much higher than women's’. This is because they feel as though they cannot talk about it because of stigma and male perception. Perhaps why he is light-hearted about it and happy to brush it off. He takes things out on you because he feels comfortable to. Don’t take that personally. The fact he is trying to find a councillor speaks volumes, he is trying - one step at a time. Many men don’t even get to this stage.
Keep encouraging and helping him through this. When things get tough think back to the happiness you both shared, it will return one day. You are a unit, for better and for worse.