To think DH behaviour is not excusable.

[Yolo89]

So DH had a really, really stressful day at work. He got yelled at as he is leaving and lots of meetings. Anyway, I was emailing him.as we needed to send an urgent email regarding our property by end of play yesterday. He never mentioned the stress he was under but at 2pm said he wpuld look at my email. (He had to send I could not) and at 5pm I messaged had he sent. He said he was busy at work amd would look at last night. I then got angry thinking how can he not realise the importance of it being sent end of day. I had been.doing email with my DD in.tow so it could be sent. I got very angry and was in.disbelief. My peri menopause irratability camw into play here also and made it worse.

When DH came home, he exploded yelling amd crying and literally looked like he was about to self combust. He said he'd haf a bad day and didnt I realise from.the emails? He had been yelled and didnt need to be yelled at by me on.top of this. I feel like he was angry from.work and taking it out on me. He then belittled my perimenopause telling me that I have to get myself under control and I explode at the slightest thing..Perimenopause makes these things very difficult I would say at times impossible. He has depression.bit seems to compare his anger to mine and thinks it is ok to explode like this at me in front of children then.carry on.as normal. He is not really confronting his depression. Please tell me - is it normal to explode like this after a stressful day? He camt hamdke stress at all and has a drinking problem.also. I cant take it any more. I am.sick of him
comparing my issues (which im.trying my hardest to fix) and his..Mine is a physiological issue and his is mental. Please help!! I dont know where to turn

I don’t understand how anyone can ‘get angry’ And ‘explode’ at someone who is already crying with stress and misery and then take umbrage they get angry back.

It doesn’t sound like you or your husband are very nice to each other. Is this relationship worth it?

People going through what you're going through can - quite unintentionally - be hell to live with.

Perhaps take a step back and think about how that stacks on top of depression.

As for the work/email thing, most people would read an email before sending it themselves, and personally I would ignore that task until the work day was over if I had the pressure on at work by necessity, I think most people would. Shouted at for it or not, it is better not to fail in your job.

Most importantly you guys both have difficult problems and have to stop competing. I can't stress this enough - as soon as you are comparing and testing each others' problems, even if you don't say it out loud, you're not a team you're an arms race. This is not sustainable, it will lead down a dark path. Stop competing, have a heart to heart where you lay that notion on the table and decide to put it in the past. This is step one to supporting each other properly, co-operating, and dealing with your issues in a healthy manner.

I missed out the point which I meant to include after the second paragraph, that the reverse applies. He will hopefully take that step back if you talk to him about it. Communication is key here.

@justarandom great post. It feels like the adults in this relationship are so self absorbed with their own problems that they’ve lost all empathy. To lose empathy for your DP is bad enough but what this explosive environment is like for the children doesn’t bear thinking about.

Wrt to emails @Yolo89 when your DH is sober the very simple solution is that both his and your email accounts are put on a shared PC or laptop so that if necessary you can send an email from his account. That’s what DH and I do.

I think you need to take a breath, step back, stop competing over who has it worse and have a joint counselling session or a mediated talk LIKE ADULTS for the sake of your poor children.

It feels like the adults in this relationship are so self absorbed with their own problems that they’ve lost all empathy. To lose empathy for your DP is bad enough but what this explosive environment is like for the children doesn’t bear thinking about.

@yolo89 This sums it up well. You seriously need to calm down and reflect. Also that's nonsense about the Email- just ask for his log in details so you could send it

Yolo, I think many of us struggle with empathy when our own issues feel overwhelming.

A great tip that I've found to help me when I'm finding I need to dig deep to be kind to DH is to look at my son's face and ask myself how I'd like him to be treated when he's older and making mistakes. If you start from a place of compassion and empathy you can't go far wrong. Even though I understand that you feel angry in the moment, you need to find a productive and healthy way to move forward. This also works because as soon as you admit a fault to anyone, it gives them a safe space to do the same.

Of course, that doesn't mean being a doormat or excusing his behaviour but it helps. Perhaps you could hug him when he comes back tonight and just for 5 minutes apologise for your part in things, it might give him the confidence to do the same and then hopefully you can support each other and feel what the other is feeling.
It always works for us, we would have split up years ago without this approach. However, it's entirely up to you.

I'm peri menopausal too, good food helps brilliantly with mood swings.
Another great tip I've found is when I'm angry, unless it's important, is not to talk. I don't mean in a sulky or aggressive way such as being passive aggressive or ignoring people, just take time to find your inner strength and kindness. I think marriage can be lonely sometimes but making someone share all your negative feelings isn't going to help.
I really do wish you well op. You both need to see that each of you is going through hell at the moment. It really isn't so important which of you starts that process.