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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH behaviour is not excusable.

206 replies

Yolo89 · 09/04/2019 11:37

So DH had a really, really stressful day at work. He got yelled at as he is leaving and lots of meetings. Anyway, I was emailing him.as we needed to send an urgent email regarding our property by end of play yesterday. He never mentioned the stress he was under but at 2pm said he wpuld look at my email. (He had to send I could not) and at 5pm I messaged had he sent. He said he was busy at work amd would look at last night. I then got angry thinking how can he not realise the importance of it being sent end of day. I had been.doing email with my DD in.tow so it could be sent. I got very angry and was in.disbelief. My peri menopause irratability camw into play here also and made it worse.

When DH came home, he exploded yelling amd crying and literally looked like he was about to self combust. He said he'd haf a bad day and didnt I realise from.the emails? He had been yelled and didnt need to be yelled at by me on.top of this. I feel like he was angry from.work and taking it out on me. He then belittled my perimenopause telling me that I have to get myself under control and I explode at the slightest thing..Perimenopause makes these things very difficult I would say at times impossible. He has depression.bit seems to compare his anger to mine and thinks it is ok to explode like this at me in front of children then.carry on.as normal. He is not really confronting his depression. Please tell me - is it normal to explode like this after a stressful day? He camt hamdke stress at all and has a drinking problem.also. I cant take it any more. I am.sick of him
comparing my issues (which im.trying my hardest to fix) and his..Mine is a physiological issue and his is mental. Please help!! I dont know where to turn

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 09/04/2019 12:26

Read the damn thread people-she wrote that she couldn't send the email! Reading is fundamental to comprehension!

Fairenuff · 09/04/2019 12:26

I cant trust him to take care of things like a deadline. This was important to send.

Ok let's just take a reality check. The email was not sent so what was the result of that?

Lobsterquadrille2 · 09/04/2019 12:27

Hi OP, regardless of who is suffering more and deserving of more sympathy and understanding - can't you set up a googlemail address for yourself? You could then have copied him in and he could have read at his leisure. To be honest, if he was that stressed already at work then I doubt he would have had time to read through an email and send it (I assume not from his work email either?) so his reaction was probably straws and camels' backs.

motheroftinydragons · 09/04/2019 12:27

You shouldn't be bugging him at work. If it was that important why wasn't it mentioned before work? "This will need sending today, it's very important I'll draft it, you just need to send". It's obviously not that important that it went when you wanted it to, it's not been done and the world hasn't caved in.

He equally could have sent you a "Busy day, no time will talk later" message. It takes seconds.

You're both unwell and need to address your issues. You're both equally UR.

Ce7913 · 09/04/2019 12:27

It sounds like you're both struggling at the moment; I'm sorry.

You 'exploding' at him is not okay.

That said, if he said he'd look at it yesterday and didn't, you are entitled to be irritated, especially if there are now serious consequences for his failure to act by the necessary deadline.

Him yelling at and belittling you is not okay.

Any of this happening in front of the children is not okay.

If he has a drinking problem, he has no right to be complacent. He needs to get into a program and get therapy asap.

If he is depressed, he has no right to be complacent about it and needs to see a professional for treatment asap.

I realise that there are no simple answers if you're struggling with hormonal volatility and irritability, but see your doctor anyway and keep practising mindfulness and breathing techniques etc.

Unless it's entirely unavoidable, either one of you leaving 'urgent' legal, financial or property matters until the last possible day or until one of you is at work is foolish and amounts to setting your family and you as individuals up to fail.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 09/04/2019 12:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 09/04/2019 12:31

The only living - I am at my GP managing peri about once a fortnight as the sympto.s are so severe..Dr says an 8 out of 10. I am trying all i canto improve.

DH is not..He sees a counsellor on.and off then.says it is ok to drink a bit even on antidepressants . He goes out comes hoe at 2am and falls asleep on.the kitchen floor. He hides beer cans in the bedroom.etc. V v hard to have sympathy. I have encouraged him.to get help but i can fix him. I am just at the end

OP posts:
Annasgirl · 09/04/2019 12:31

@Yolo86

I think if he drinks to cope with depression, and has wasted your inheritance then you have bigger problems than just one row.

Firstly, get expert help with your perimemopause, that means a real GP expert, not your local GP. Find a referral online in the NHS website.

Then, when you feel better, sort out a plan with your DH, either he gets help for depression and drinking or you split.

I think this is the only way to solve this.

lifebegins50 · 09/04/2019 12:31

I think if his behaviour is unusual then you have to cut him some slack. To be so stressed is awful from work.

Maybe you both need calming techniques and recognise each other are going through tough times.
I have been peri, it is not a get out of jail card, you have to own it and take steps to reduce irritability.
Hopefully this was just a very bad day for both of you and you can make up

Original poster
Yolo89 · 09/04/2019 12:33

Plain speaking - i never ever contact him.at work. Ever. ahhh ive worked in.a stressful job i get it love. Thanks way to make someone feel better rolling their eyes. I pity your patients you awful awful sad people

OP posts:
DishingOutDone · 09/04/2019 12:34

Does a doctor really help with peri-menopause? I thought they just said oh dear never mind so if your GP is helping you OP, I am impressed. That said, it doesn't sound like its helping much whatever it is, obviously you are very stressed.

Why did your DH have to send the e-mail, was it something only he can do? As someone asked earlier what will be the consequence now?

HBStowe · 09/04/2019 12:36

It doesn’t sound like either of you behaved brilliantly here, but overall I am very sympathetic because your DH sounds very difficult. A drinking problem is not easy to live with, especially as it makes him explode.

I don’t think it’s fair for you to suggest that his depression is less valid than your perimenopause just because your illness is physical and his is mental. Both are real. But it sounds like you are seeking treatment for yours and he isn’t.

I think you need to talk when things are calm and give him an ultimatum - either he seeks proper, professional help for his drinking and his depression, or you need to reconsider the future of your relationship. Sometimes a stark choice is needed to focus the mind.

Eustasiavye · 09/04/2019 12:36

I can see this from both sides.
I had an ex who used to ring me at work.
I am not allowed to have my phone on me at work so could only answering my lunch break.
He didn't seem to get this. I don't have a job where it's feasible to stop working and answer endless calls.
So I understand the email issue.
Would it be better to do communication through your e mail account?
Next is your husbands job too stressful for him? Would be be better stepping down a level of possible?
Or is him being yelled at related to his drinking?

Original poster
Yolo89 · 09/04/2019 12:37

Thanks Annas girl - I have a great GP and am trying all O can through the NHS before going private. The GP is vety good to talk to and we are trying a number of diifferent things.

The issue was a legal one a
and involved money and yes I was a gry my DH tpok no respbsibility over the weekend so was left to do it.

OP posts:
CarolDanvers · 09/04/2019 12:38

I think if you’d put the information about drinking in your OP you’d have got very different replies. I’ve lived with an alcoholic and I know just how horrendous it is.

MrMeeseekscando · 09/04/2019 12:38

My advice to him would be to LTB.
You sound awfully difficult.

MollysLips · 09/04/2019 12:39

Angus Castus is great for these mood swings.

As is divorce.

GirlcalledJack · 09/04/2019 12:40

You sound like you have zero empathy for anyone but yourself. You sound like the perpetual victim.

Your DH doesn’t sound much better!

I’m not sure what you want from this thread. You were both unreasonable and your relationship sounds toxic, as does both of your behaviours.

Fairenuff · 09/04/2019 12:41

The issue was a legal one and involved money

So what happened? Was he able to send the email in the evening or has it still not gone?

I8toys · 09/04/2019 12:44

I would never dream of contacting my husband at work - only if it was associated with the kids and urgent. I have peri-menopausal symptoms - it doesn't give me carte blanche to act like a screaming loon. Both of you need to step back and stop shouting, especially in front of your children. He sounds like he's under horrible pressure at work.

Welcometotherock · 09/04/2019 12:44

Mental health symptoms are just as serious as physical symptoms, in fact worse as you tend to get better understanding for physical symptoms!

Yes the drinking needs to be under control but it's not that easy with depression. He needs help.

The way you are throwing peri menopause around as an excuse for your behaviour and exploding but not his depression is strange.

And I say that as someone who has had full menopause. Full hysterectomy at 23 including removal of ovaries etc.

53rdWay · 09/04/2019 12:46

It sounds like a lot of anger and poor communication on both sides. But if he's an alcoholic who isn't seeking any help for that or for his depression there's no way it's going to get better unless he decides to change that. You getting angry with him and him getting angry with you won't make anything better, it'll just make you both miserable and be a terrible atmosphere for your DD to grow up in.

TacoLover · 09/04/2019 12:47

I pity your patients you awful awful sad people

You sound a bit horrible tbh. Your husband came home crying and you came on here to complain about him and belittle his depression because he forgot to send an email and he got angry at you for yelling at him.

Wheresthebeach · 09/04/2019 12:48

You sound aggressive and unsympathetic to your DH. Your issues are a reason for your behaviour, his only an excuse and not acceptable. Really unfair of you.

If you respond to your DH when he says something you don't like, as you've responded on this thread, then no bloody wonder your DH doesn't say much.

Rachie1973 · 09/04/2019 12:48

Jeez. I feel for your DH. If you’re like this peri I dread his life when menopause hits

You’re a bratty individual judging by your responses.