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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH behaviour is not excusable.

206 replies

Yolo89 · 09/04/2019 11:37

So DH had a really, really stressful day at work. He got yelled at as he is leaving and lots of meetings. Anyway, I was emailing him.as we needed to send an urgent email regarding our property by end of play yesterday. He never mentioned the stress he was under but at 2pm said he wpuld look at my email. (He had to send I could not) and at 5pm I messaged had he sent. He said he was busy at work amd would look at last night. I then got angry thinking how can he not realise the importance of it being sent end of day. I had been.doing email with my DD in.tow so it could be sent. I got very angry and was in.disbelief. My peri menopause irratability camw into play here also and made it worse.

When DH came home, he exploded yelling amd crying and literally looked like he was about to self combust. He said he'd haf a bad day and didnt I realise from.the emails? He had been yelled and didnt need to be yelled at by me on.top of this. I feel like he was angry from.work and taking it out on me. He then belittled my perimenopause telling me that I have to get myself under control and I explode at the slightest thing..Perimenopause makes these things very difficult I would say at times impossible. He has depression.bit seems to compare his anger to mine and thinks it is ok to explode like this at me in front of children then.carry on.as normal. He is not really confronting his depression. Please tell me - is it normal to explode like this after a stressful day? He camt hamdke stress at all and has a drinking problem.also. I cant take it any more. I am.sick of him
comparing my issues (which im.trying my hardest to fix) and his..Mine is a physiological issue and his is mental. Please help!! I dont know where to turn

OP posts:
outpinked · 10/04/2019 12:05

If he was crying he obviously had an enormously stressful day and I think you should go easy on him tbh. I would also explode if I came home crying from a shit day at work and my OH started bitching on at me about a sodding email.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/04/2019 19:10

can everyone please stop about the email. It was regarding a legal charge re our house thay he had known about, id wrotten but was not legally entitled to send as Im.not on.the lease and they have told me i cant send. They have very clearly said I am not allowed communication with them. If we didnr reply by COB the charges went up a few hundred pounds. This is bit one in.a long long line of things entrusted to DH that he hasnt done, hence my frustration.

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Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/04/2019 19:15

Mental health and peri are different but can be just as debilitating as the other.

My frustration is the drinking and not being very active seeking treatment.We are hoping to see the counsellor together on friday.

DH admitted that I am being proactive eoth my treatment and he is not. The xlunsellor is a start but he has seen three once and not like them
This has taken months of cajoling. No.treatment for alcohol

I

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Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/04/2019 19:16

outpinked -.I was having an overwhelming day too with peri. We are a terrible combination right now.

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Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/04/2019 19:19

Thanks Sorrywhat. I know - DH is very very bad at talking. This is why I really didnt know it was this bad. The drinking has been made a joke of until recently too. Everytime I mentioned, he made light of it. It had taken a long time to realise what was going on

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Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/04/2019 19:31

thanks reg!

Cherrytree - ah im so sorry you had such awful time too. This is very much how I feel. I've tried various forms of HRT and am now on.a combined pill as a form of HRT. I have not heard of Flouzetine (exvuse spelling)

Thanks for the other suggestions re meds. All the meds so far have made my symptoms worse.

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Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/04/2019 19:33

Cherry - I'm sorry you have also had to deal with this and alcohol. It is very difficult to manage wjen two people are gping througj challenging times.

Ah it was all so blissful until peri started

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cricketballs3 · 10/04/2019 19:34

I agree with 99% of PP that if your DH came home crying and your reaction was to yell at him why would he open up to you and be honest with his feelings? For someone to return from work in that state I'd' imagine the last thing on his mind was an email that you had sent as he would have had work to do that was driving him to the point of crying when he got home. I'm also flummoxed as to what you expect to happen when you see his GP.

I've been there with peri - if you are seeing your GP have you had blood tests? If they are pointing to peri then I'm very surprised that you have not been prescribed HRT as this would be a far cheaper/simpler solution to having appointments every 2 weeks which don't result in any solution.

I really don't want to add into the 'pile on' however OP you are being very poor me and he's a bastard no matter the numerous PP pointing out the inequalities to your arguments

Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/04/2019 19:45

cricketballs - I go to the GP to discuss meds and get immediate help like diazepam just to get me through my severe symptoms.

If you lived with an alcoholic that becomes irrational and yells and says he can put children to bed when clearly he cant then.belittles my symptoms then yiu might undestand why I am so perhaps low on sympathy. Someone that is being destructive to their family but not seeking help.

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Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/04/2019 19:46

I have tried about 3 diffetent types of HRT and each has made the symptoms worse.

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GreytExpectations · 10/04/2019 20:01

Ah it was all so blissful until peri started

It couldnt be that blissful as your DH has depression, which unlike your peri is just a temporary change in the body that soon subsides. For a lot of sufferers clinical depression is a life long battle. Imagine how he must feel dealing with that for years on end? At least ypu have a light at the end of your tunnel. The alcoholism sounds like self medicating and again your behaviour towards him doesnt exactly leave him with much support. Of course people will keep talking about the Email- its what you post was originally about! If you can speak to his GP about him then you could have sent it from his Email, its not that hard.

GreytExpectations · 10/04/2019 20:01

That should have said isnt* not is!

Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/04/2019 20:28

I could not legally send the email!! They wpuls have ignored it and charged us hundreds of pounds extra for something. He didnt take responsibility to think about i before Monday. This is frustrating and in a long line of things he has not done. He ran up a massive tax bill and didnt tell me. I only found out when the tax men knocked on.the door with a bill for £26,000 . Yes.

I dont have access to his email account as I have not been in.this situation before!!!!!!

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Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/04/2019 20:29

Apologies to the drip feed police but how can you ever tell the full story in.one post???

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Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/04/2019 20:31

Grey - he has only mentioned his depression a couple of years agp thoigh he has suffered on and off a bit since bwfore we met. But we have been very happy up until I'd say a year ago.

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Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/04/2019 20:36

well from all indications he was giving me.I dont think he has been depressed much since we met - he would explain it more as having down days. Ie not all the time. I guess he kept them quiet..I think finances have taken a huge toll on him and made his symptoms far far worse and led to the drinking.

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Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/04/2019 20:38

Grey - peri symptoms cam go on.for years and can be hugely debilitating also so please dont belittle them. I feel like a totally different person who cant enjoy life. I know this is temporary but it can go on for ten years! Sometimes longer.

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GreytExpectations · 10/04/2019 20:48

I didnt belittle peri symptoms i simply pointed out that they have an end point. Depression often doesnt. Its actually you thats been belittling illness on this thread.
From what you are saying it seems like you are only noticing your DH's depression now that peri has been so hard on you. Once again, you need to either be more supportive or leave.

Honestly, this thread just keeps going around in circles

m0therofdragons · 10/04/2019 21:05

He'd clearly reached his limit. If my dh came in and did that it would be out of character and I would throw my arms around him and tell him it'll be okay. We all reach breaking point at times. I've had days when dh is asking about home stuff while I'm at work and I just don't have the mental capacity to deal with it.

Binting · 10/04/2019 21:37

Your DH probably doesn’t have the energy to ‘sort himself out’. He’s battling depression, a stressful job and what sounds like a stressful relationship at the moment. He is seeing a counsellor, so he is doing something? And suicide is the biggest killer of men, so his illness is life threatening.

I’m not sure that his GP would be allowed to talk to you about your DH’s health, so not sure what plan you can come up with. My guess is that he might feel that the main cause of his stress at the moment is you, whether that is fair or not.

Many people with depression drink to feel better, or to numb the noise. I did. It took me over 30 years to address my drinking. It’s not easy to walk in to an AA meeting, but if I’d have felt pressured by others to do it I would have resisted and told them to f-off.

It sounds like you need some couples counselling. Things are difficult for both of you and you have DC(s) to think of. I hope you can work it out.

GreytExpectations · 10/04/2019 21:41

My guess is that he might feel that the main cause of his stress at the moment is you, whether that is fair or not.

This 100%

Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/04/2019 22:00

Grey - my dh maybe had low days in.the past but depression as such..He has bern happy but kids, an unstable job, huge debt, lack of confidence due to a medical condition etc etc has made his symptoms worse. olus a wife also suffering and has at times uncontrollable symptoms which if you have never experenced you cant understand. I never have lost control with a friend or cried at the drop of a hat in.front of strangers ever until now..

Ive been on antidepresants before after a break up and felt so low I stopped eating pretty much along with feeling so low work told me i had to shape up or ship out.

So it is ok for my DH to run up huge bills I dont know about, drink, not take responsibility for things, etc etc.and do hardly anythingg to help himself and im supposed to fling my arms around him wirh all my sympathy. Im.sorry but ive been.trying to help him.for a long time and if he has reached breaking point it is not through my lack of wanting to help. I have been.trying and trying and have reached my breaking point.

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Original poster
Yolo89 · 10/04/2019 22:01

I cant respond to anything more. The cpmments are now getting so inaccurate there is no point.

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Ihatehashtags · 11/04/2019 03:03

Why didn’t you just send the email?? Perimenopause??!! Well get some medication then if it’s making you crazy.

GreytExpectations · 11/04/2019 07:29

Plus a wife also suffering and has at times uncontrollable symptoms which if you have never experenced you cant understand

Ok please stop with this pity me attitude. Depression also has uncontrollable symptoms and someone close to has suffered with it for a lifetime. Have a bit of sympathy and maybe you'll receive some back.