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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you do? (MIL)

210 replies

LOTR · 08/04/2019 17:40

Hi, would love to know what people do as a step between liking each other and no contact - how much interaction do you have weekly?

Me and DP have just bought a house together with the wedding booked for next year. I have tried really hard to get on with my MIL-to-be as she's important to DP obviously and I don't want to fall into the obvious, 'I hate my MIL'. But I really find her hard work. We have nothing in common at all but I've just tried to be polite. That's not the issue...

Every time I see or speak to her, she says something snide/pointed/nasty or bitchy to me - to the extent that my DP admitted that most of his family members have talked to her about how she talks to me (they did this without me knowing and I found out afterwards). Her exH (FIL) thinks this is hilarious and refers to it all the time, "How's it going with the MIL?" [Pointed chuckles]

My issue is that I have started to dread seeing her. My DP says it's not ok and has talked to his mum once about it but won't do more.

I don't really want to see her but I don't think it's a solution to sent him to events by himself as that's what she wants. Do I just need to put up with it? Send him alone?

Any advice would be much appreciated. AIBU in expecting him to deal with and stop his mum?

OP posts:
Gizlotsmum · 08/04/2019 17:45

Why won't your dp say anything else? If he won't call her out on it I think you have too. Everytime she says something rude/snidey pull her up on it... Something along the lines of asking if she meant to be so rude..

GreatDuckCookery · 08/04/2019 17:50

Stand up to her. Now. Call her out every time she says something you don’t feel is kind. Ask her what her problem is.
If she won’t address her issue with you and start treating you differently then you go NC with her.

What sort of things is she saying?

Ewitsahooman · 08/04/2019 17:57

Don't ask "did you mean to be so rude?" because she'll say "yes"! If you're going to call her out on it then be blunt "I think that's really rude/unkind/nasty, MIL" but be prepared for her to use it against you and twist it so that you're the rude one.

It's a difficult situation to be in because realistically she's not going anywhere, she's his mother and will be a fixture in your lives for many years to come. NC is a huge decision to make with lots of repurcussions and your DP needs to be on board for it to work. We're NC with MIL and it was very difficult in the initial years because we were portrayed as the bad guys, we had peacekeeper family members trying to force a reconciliation and then the flying monkeys carrying messages to and fro, telling tales, etc. Other family members didn't want to be seen to be taking sides and it made get together a fairly awkward if we were both invited. What helped a lot though was DH going NC with her too as we were united in the decision, your DP doesn't want to cut his mum out though, does he?

You could go low contact where he still sees her without you and you only see her when it's absolutely necessary.

You could kill the bitchy comments with kindness. Be polite, be friendly, and don't react. Let other people see her for what she is and don't rise to the bait.

mbosnz · 08/04/2019 17:57

I sympathise. My FIL was like this.

It can be a very hard thing for a relationship to weather, and if there is one thing that is likely to cause friction in our relationship, it is when the topic of that revolting little man comes up.

Good thing his parents split up, the rest of the family no longer talks to him, and he's 10,000 miles away. (DH still talks to him, despite it being a relationship of filial duty, because he is a good man, who always does what he thinks is right, and I'll always support him in that even though it may ultimately kill me in increased wine consumption).

You have to decide what you can live with. And you both need to get on the same page. If he's not going to call her on it, then is he prepared to unambiguously back you up if you do?

Or is this ultimately going to be a deal/relationship breaker?

BlueMerchant · 08/04/2019 17:58

Your DP needs to grow a backbone and stand up to her. He knows she's still doing these things and won't stand up to her?
I'd keep on going to family events but I'd try not to interact directly with her. When you do see her I'd smile, be polite and graceful. If it looks like she's not getting to you it will really p* her off.

Original poster
LOTR · 08/04/2019 17:58

I've just been biting my lip to avoid drama but maybe you're right.

Your name is so funny....I'll find it hard not to laugh during the ceremony...

This idiot has got her priorities all wrong by putting this picture up first (when moving house shouted to friends)

I think the bookcase would look better there. (I explained I really would like it to stay and left the room) Came back to find it moved.

I'm not exaggerating it's everytime I see her. I feel like I'm moaning about nothing writing it down but the way its said...she's horrible.

OP posts:
MrsCasares · 08/04/2019 18:03

Every nasty, bitch comment you need to say to your dh “your mum has just said this”.

Every time.

It’s the only way to stop her. Get your dp on side.

Original poster
LOTR · 08/04/2019 18:06

Most of the time he insists it's her humour. Even when our friends tell him (they were all around during the move and heard her)

OP posts:
DisplayPurposesOnly · 08/04/2019 18:09

If you're going to call her out on it, keep it calm and factual....

"You're being very rude"

'You're being very rude again"

At least you know the rest of the family has noticed and spoken out.

Wallabyone · 08/04/2019 18:12

Gah, she sounds horrid-did she really call you an idiot? Your fiancé needs to call her out on it, otherwise she will just carry on and it will appear (to her, and you) that he's condoning it.

Shapesandshops · 08/04/2019 18:13

Keep calling her out on it

LordNibbler · 08/04/2019 18:15

I think unless your DP does something to stop his mother from speaking to you like this, you perhaps ought to rethink marriage. It really is the sort of thing that rocks relationships, and you need to feel he is 100% on your side and supporting you against his mother. She obviously feels she can get away with it or she wouldn't still be doing it. She probably knows it will cause trouble between you and your OH and is hoping to get rid of you, thinking he will not confront her.

TeaForTheWin · 08/04/2019 18:17

Agree with the posters that say call her on it. EVERY time she does it. A flat 'do not talk to me like that' and then walk out of the room every time she is rude. She won't change. Nasty people don't change. She might behave for a while...or infront of the family but I can guarantee you the shit remarks wont stop.

If it were me, the next time she says something infront of your partner and you I would get up and say 'that's it, I'm done. I won't be meeting you anymore'. Get up and leave. And make a point of avoiding her in the future. You can still go to family gatherings of course, just don't talk to her.

Babdoc · 08/04/2019 18:18

“Are you feeling all right, MIL? Inappropriate rudeness is an early sign of dementia, DP and I are quite worried about you”
Go on, I dare you!

IncrediblySadToo · 08/04/2019 18:21

Tell him that you won’t tolerate it and either he says something or you will.

One of you needs to deal with it each & every time.

Don’t let her away with it it she will neverchanj

GabriellaMontez · 08/04/2019 18:21

If your dp is not supportive of you in this situation you need to rethink your future.
How long and how much of this will you put up with?

What do you envisage happening?

What does he envisage? A lifetime of watching his mum be rude and unpleasant to his wife?

Sorry, you have a dp problem.

SchoolOfLife2 · 08/04/2019 18:23

Limit your encounters and try be with DH around her not alone. Never b with her alone. If u have to then turn the voice recorder on... “oh mil, I forgot I was recording with the wedding planner and left it on by mistake... I shall listen back to ur comments and have a good laugh with DH”

Floralnomad · 08/04/2019 18:23

My inlaws were much like you describe and frankly it gets grating . Eventually after one gaff too many that sent me over the edge dh spoke to them and they decided to not speak to me again . It is a brilliant solution , they eventually started talking to dh after about 4 weeks and since then (20/21 years) dh has visited them and I / them ( now just MIL ) are NC . Our dc one of whom was born when we first went NC and the other who is late teens have very limited contact through their own choice now but they never really had a relationship with them as they never looked after them as children .

cuppycakey · 08/04/2019 18:25

Agree with PP - you have a DP problem. I wouldn't marry him.

Imagine you have DC and your DH is taking them to spend time with a woman who hates your guts and takes every opportunity to slag you off/run you down.....

HotSauceCommittee · 08/04/2019 18:28

“You called me an idiot. Get out of my house now”
Do it. What’s the worst that could happen?
You aren’t getting anything out of the relationship. Is she a bit rough and thinks that you need taking down a peg or two?

SchoolOfLife2 · 08/04/2019 18:29

U literally can’t go NC if u have kids and ur dp is going to stay in touch. She will manipulate both ur DH and kids against u.

Good thing is that she can’t keep her rudeness discrete and so they will probably eventually just hate her. Some mothers in law are too good at disguising rudeness and are more dangerous.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/04/2019 18:33

my DP admitted that most of his family members have talked to her about how she talks to me

So all these family members can see how bad this is, but all your DP can manage is one mention (so he can claim "he tried" Hmm), then falls back on the old chestnut about it being her humour?

This isn't going to get any better unless he takes action, so please don't kid yourself it will; all you'd be doing is signing up for years of hell. Personally I'd put this to him before the wedding plans go any further and find out - no backsliding, no excuses - what he intends to do about it

GreatDuckCookery · 08/04/2019 18:33

DP has to tell her that the way she treats and speaks to you is absolutely not on and then you carry on calling her out on it. Every time. I don’t know whether this is enough for her to stop or that you’ll be able to have some sort of relationship with her in the future but you can’t sit back and do/say nothing OP.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/04/2019 18:38

BTW, can I recommend insisting that any wishy-washy things he promises to say are said in front of you?

Otherwise - as I know to my cost - you'll end up with claims of remarks which were never actually made

GabriellaMontez · 08/04/2019 18:39

She called you an idiot?

If you say "I'm not going to be spoken to like that please leave". What will your dp say/do?

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