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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you do? (MIL)

210 replies

LOTR · 08/04/2019 17:40

Hi, would love to know what people do as a step between liking each other and no contact - how much interaction do you have weekly?

Me and DP have just bought a house together with the wedding booked for next year. I have tried really hard to get on with my MIL-to-be as she's important to DP obviously and I don't want to fall into the obvious, 'I hate my MIL'. But I really find her hard work. We have nothing in common at all but I've just tried to be polite. That's not the issue...

Every time I see or speak to her, she says something snide/pointed/nasty or bitchy to me - to the extent that my DP admitted that most of his family members have talked to her about how she talks to me (they did this without me knowing and I found out afterwards). Her exH (FIL) thinks this is hilarious and refers to it all the time, "How's it going with the MIL?" [Pointed chuckles]

My issue is that I have started to dread seeing her. My DP says it's not ok and has talked to his mum once about it but won't do more.

I don't really want to see her but I don't think it's a solution to sent him to events by himself as that's what she wants. Do I just need to put up with it? Send him alone?

Any advice would be much appreciated. AIBU in expecting him to deal with and stop his mum?

OP posts:
Weathermonger · 09/04/2019 00:20

I'm sorry OP but it sounds like your fiancé is a bigger issue than his mother. For her to call you an idiot, and your fiancé not take her to task on it would be a deal breaker for me.

justilou1 · 09/04/2019 00:36

I think he knows exactly how this exactly going to go. If he confronts his mum, she will play “poor me” and he doesn’t want to be the bad guy who hurt his poor mummy’s feelings and accused her of being mean and nasty, potentially having to choose between his mummy and his fiancée as well.
You haven’t put him in that position, have you? You haven’t asked him to man up, nor have you realised that so far he has chosen to toe the line on his mummy’s side of the fence becaus it’s easier and that’s how he’s been conditioned.
You need to have a very serious chat about conditioning, because you are NOT his mother and you don’t want to have the same relationship with him as she does, ie manipulating and nagging.

Chlo1674 · 09/04/2019 00:41

Think very carefully before you marry into this family. My mil was like this to me for years and my DH conveniently never sees her for what she really is. Its always me who has been painted as the baddy and it has eaten away at my feelings for him. In the end I grew a backbone and stood up to her myself (after realising he was scared of her and too gutless to say anything). People might say I have a DH problem not a mil problem but at one point we had a close and loving relationship and if it wasn’t for that nasty cow we still would.

Merryoldgoat · 09/04/2019 00:46

This would be a dealbreaker for me I’m afraid.

I want my marriage to last and it’s at a distinct disadvantage if you are being undermined and picked on by MIL at every opportunity.

From very early my (now) DH told me to let him know if his mother was difficult at all and he’d deal with it. Thankfully I get on with and love PIL a great deal but I know my DH would’ve dealt with it properly. I’d not stay with someone with no respect for me.

To be fair though I’d deal with her myself.

Original poster
LOTR · 09/04/2019 06:30

I talked to DP last night using some of the statements above and he has said that after the previous conversation about this he's agreed to go out to lunch with his mum to discuss the subject.

He said he'd hesitated to tell me that because he wants the conversation to die and now it won't until a debrief tonight.

FIL is coming over for tea and by then will have found out...and will comment on it if something was said so I'll know whether he did it or not

OP posts:
HJWT · 09/04/2019 06:44

@LOTR if your DH to be has no respect for you how can you expect your MIL to? He is letting her walk all over you so she is going to carry on doing it... my MIL has disrespected me once and my DH hasn't spoken to her since...

Beargrin · 09/04/2019 07:37

You don't go to her house and she's not welcome at yours until she learns manners. Be firm with your DP about this. There is no other way, she clearly doesn't care if you call her out so you need to just cut her out. She sounds like she enjoys the drama so take it away.

Original poster
LOTR · 09/04/2019 08:13

He admitted he had been avoiding it as he wants everyone to be 'happy families'. But he accepted it when I said I'd been putting up with it for him and it was getting worse not better...

I basically told him that either we are a team or we're not.

Interested to see what the fall out is from their lunch...

OP posts:
cuppycakey · 09/04/2019 08:52

OP MIL will cry and paint herself as the victim. You cannot "win" this war.

And yes - that's what MIL sees this as - a war.

MrsMorse · 09/04/2019 09:19

Have just gone no contact with my mil after 20 yrs of these digs and snide comments. Dh is super supportive as he can’t deny he sees what she does. Wish I’d gone no contact 19.5 yr’s ago to be honest as she definitely saw our relationship as a war to win her son

Weenurse · 09/04/2019 09:24

Good luck 💐

Bentley111 · 09/04/2019 09:57

I could have (and did) write your post this time last year.

I had a wonderful relationship with her until we got engaged and bought a house... it sounds like a very similar situation to you. Nothing awful but just passive aggressive comments and behaviour that leave you feeling humiliated, weak and embarrassed?

I put up with it for the sake of my DH. She made me cry on my wedding day. She was awful to me when I lost my baby. When confronted, she lies or cries.

8 months into my marriage, I am starting to feel a huge resentment towards DH. She is the only thing we argue about. She has never once apologised for any of her actions and as a result, I have lost so much respect for DH.

You may think PPs on here are being overdramatic when they say reconsider the wedding - I disregarded their advice this time last year and am suffering the consequences now. Please, please make sure you nip this in the bud before you get married as it will only get worse, not better.

Hope the lunch goes well today Flowers

oh4forkssake · 09/04/2019 10:14

Let's see how the lunch goes but I'm afraid I agree with others who say be very very careful.

I actually got on very well with MIL until I had children. There haven't been awful rows or anything but we have very different views on raising children. Contact is now kept quite low. DH is a sensible sort but does have a blind spot when it comes to her, so I let him lead on contact and interaction with her once the children got past the very tiny baby stage. The result is that he is now careful about interactions too - constant reminders, calmly and quietly, help.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/04/2019 10:42

You won't want to hear this, LOTR, but because (quelle surprise Hmm) they're doing this without you present, you'll find out only what they want you to hear. Neither can I understand the bit about learning from FIL if anything's been said, or not wanting to put DP in an awkward position; he's there already because of his own inaction, and his only aim seems to be to wriggle out of it by keeping you in second place and avoiding the issue

Basically you're being stitched up - even in circumstances where others in the family can see what's happening - because nobody's prepared to have a proper, adult conversation which involves everyone. I don't know if you're tolerating this for the sake of the house and a lovely wedding, but I genuinely wish you you best of luck ... as I said, you'll need it desperately

AnnaMagnani · 09/04/2019 11:01

He wants everyone to be happy families - well they aren't.

He also has to get real that he is getting married and starting a new family and as a PP stated, only one woman in his life will be having sex with him, raising his children, holding his hand when he is ill - and it's not his mother.

Best thing I ever did with DH was fall out with his mother. Spent ages trying to be the 'good DIL' and make nice and keep family in touch. Waste of bloody time.

As soon as I stood up for myself the relationships got a lot better - and she respected me more!

We now see each other rarely, she communicates with her son, not me and we both manage politeness.

Making nice only works if every one is doing it. Over and over it seems to be only one person a woman doing it.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/04/2019 11:08

He said he'd hesitated to tell me (about the lunch) because he wants the conversation to die

Just to revisit this bit ... why doesn't he feel you're worthy of enough respect to keep you involved in what's being said? If he won't even tell you about it beforehand, it doesn't bode very well for honesty afterwards, does it? Hmm

Cherrysoup · 09/04/2019 11:15

I agree with pp, doesn’t matter what is said at the lunch and I bet he placates her! Only what he wants you to hear will be repeated to you.

tensmum1964 · 09/04/2019 12:19

He sounds like one of these men that is frightened of his mother. I have met (and lived with one) like this. I would hate to feel that my son was frightened to confront me if I were out of order. What an awful way to raise a child.

aweedropofsancerre · 09/04/2019 12:59

Oh dear and your not married yet and have no DC..... if your OH is unable to support you with his unpleasant DM and set some clear boundaries with her this does not bode well for your future. My OH parents are hard work and have caused no end of arguments between myself and him. My OH only really stood up to them after we had been together for 8yrs after I put my foot down and they went NC for a while. It requires that to reset the relationship.....

FizzyGreenWater · 09/04/2019 13:20

Yep the private lunch isn't a good sign.

Firstly the fact that he had arranged this but not told you - err what?! This is ABOUT you. This IS your business. He needs to wise up very very soon here - you are not some object sitting there at the edge of his family waiting to be married and installed. That simple fact tells you so much. He should have discussed this with you first -whether you wanted to be there, what he should say. Not good. He doesn't get it.

He's fence sitting - unsurprisingly for a man trained from infancy to keep his aggressive nasty mother happy. He knows he needs to be seen to do something or you will lose it. However he isn't going to upset his mother. So this is perfect - he will be able to sit there and be meek, then come home and tell you that she's sorry and things will be better etc.

Come back and tell us what was apparently 'said' ...

justilou1 · 09/04/2019 13:51

Holy crap! This is a weird set up! Why are they deciding your fate?!?!

cuppycakey · 09/04/2019 13:55

The lunch will go like this...

DP " I really want you and LOTR to get on better mum, it's stressing me out"

MIL "Oh I am so sorry, I expect it is because we are so alike. I will try much harder, I know it must be difficult for you."

DP "Thanks Mum"

Then they will have a lovey lunch together where you/the situation isn't mentioned at all and he will comeback and tell you it's all sorted.
MIL will just find more devious ways of twisting the knife that make you look like the one with The Problem.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 09/04/2019 13:55

Beautifully put as ever, Fizzy ...

Butterflyone1 · 09/04/2019 14:24

You're a grown women so stand up for yourself!! Whilst I appreciate you don't want to cause any issues for your DP or any 'drama' you can not allow another person to belittle you.

I would explain to your DP that enough is enough and if she does not stop with the comments then you will say something every time she says something wrong.

If it still doesn't work then you'll have to stop interacting with her. She isn't your family and your DP can still have a relationship with her even if you're not involved.

I do always find it very odd when people don't get along with their DP families. There must be something underlying for this women to act the way she does. Does she feel threated by you? Like she thinks you're taking her son away? It all seems very odd. Or she could just simply be a nasty person.

sockatoe · 09/04/2019 14:38

She'll laugh at your wedding? I think she should find herself not invited to your wedding if she doesn't change her behaviour!!! Your DP can not control her or what she says. You may never have a pleasant relationship with her. However, you are DP's soon to be wife and as such, he should have your back and demand that you are treated with respect. That means a) she is spoken to and told she will not be welcome in your home unless she behaves and b) if you see her at other functions, she is challenged immediately and you leave if she is rude to you.
Hopefully, she values DH enough to learn that she is pushing him away by treating you badly.
Good luck.

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