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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you do? (MIL)

210 replies

LOTR · 08/04/2019 17:40

Hi, would love to know what people do as a step between liking each other and no contact - how much interaction do you have weekly?

Me and DP have just bought a house together with the wedding booked for next year. I have tried really hard to get on with my MIL-to-be as she's important to DP obviously and I don't want to fall into the obvious, 'I hate my MIL'. But I really find her hard work. We have nothing in common at all but I've just tried to be polite. That's not the issue...

Every time I see or speak to her, she says something snide/pointed/nasty or bitchy to me - to the extent that my DP admitted that most of his family members have talked to her about how she talks to me (they did this without me knowing and I found out afterwards). Her exH (FIL) thinks this is hilarious and refers to it all the time, "How's it going with the MIL?" [Pointed chuckles]

My issue is that I have started to dread seeing her. My DP says it's not ok and has talked to his mum once about it but won't do more.

I don't really want to see her but I don't think it's a solution to sent him to events by himself as that's what she wants. Do I just need to put up with it? Send him alone?

Any advice would be much appreciated. AIBU in expecting him to deal with and stop his mum?

OP posts:
FudgeBrownie2019 · 08/04/2019 20:27

Absolutely what Fizzy says. Don't marry anyone who allows a member of their family to treat you that shoddily without challenge. He sounds wet and he'll only get wetter as the years creak by.

DH was wet when we met; all "oh she didn't mean it that way" (she fooking well did) and I was blunter than a plank of 2x4 to the face when I told him that I wasn't planning to say yes to him unless we were a team. Fortunately he's grown a backbone since then and MIL has realised that she'll be called out on all forms of bullshit. Obviously she now despises me for this but thats ok because I know I'm quit lovely, she just can't be snide with me any more.

timeisnotaline · 08/04/2019 20:38

It is a mistake to get married if you aren’t a united team with your partner. I think you need to tell him the current situation is a deal breaker, he needs to be very clear he won’t tolerate that behaviour from his mother to his partner. Have you asked him why most of his family are more supportive of you than he is, and should you be marrying one of them? It seems a mistake to be marrying one of the least supportive of them...

MissConductUS · 08/04/2019 20:47

She's mad that your stealing her boy away from her. She did the same with the other women in his life, that's quite telling.

Perhaps without even consciously realizing it, she's trying to see if she can drive you away. It's really an issue for your DP to call her out on and manage. You trying to mollify her is useless. You're the son thief.

stressedoutpa · 08/04/2019 20:57

Lots of great advice on here.

DP should be challenging her. If not, you either need to ditch him or go no contact with her.

I have found I have very little patience for these types of things as I have got older. Being nice doesn't get you anywhere I'm afraid.

Original poster
LOTR · 08/04/2019 21:11

What's silly is that in other areas of life I don't put up with this kind of thing. But for him I don't want to put his position in the middle a horrific experience. I see her twice a week and it's just too much to deal with anymore.

There has been some brilliant advice, thanks - I need to write down some of the phrases as well!!

OP posts:
Sarahjconnor · 08/04/2019 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

willowmelangell · 08/04/2019 21:21

Next time she says nasty rude anything about the wedding, say "what makes you think you'll be there?"

Yabbers · 08/04/2019 21:24

Call her out.

"If you want for us to get on, you need to stop saying things like that"

Don't be drawn into a slagging match, just tell her you won't stand for it.

SynchroSwimmer · 08/04/2019 21:37

This is counter-intuitive...but could you maybe give her one decent chance to prove herself? (So you can eventually walk away knowing you tried)

I would want to try taking my relative/MIL out for a lovely treat, say a special high tea and posh cakes somewhere nice for example, just the two of us, maybe even throw in some flowers or a small gift, and be ultra nice...(she might be squirming by this stage 😀)

....and then, after this one chance, if she didn’t change her attitude and respect for you, well, that’s the very last chance she ever had?

Redshoeblueshoe · 08/04/2019 21:42

Fizzy is spot on

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/04/2019 22:29

He's said previously that if he isn't told at the time then he can't deal with it

It's one excuse after another isn't it? Ditto avoiding the subject after she rang, when he could easily have returned to it (as could you)

Personally I wouldn't challenge her myself; she'd almost certainly run to her boy to snivel and you'd never know what they were saying behind your back. Anyway it's not her you'd planned to marry, it's him - therefore it's his job to speak up for you (or not)

Good luck, OP - you're going to need it Hmm

Chloemol · 08/04/2019 22:41

I would call her out in front of everyone, along the lines of I don’t know what I have done that you feel you have to be so rude to me every time we meet. I love your son and what to have a relationship with you, as his mother. However I feel you don’t want one with me, and I am sad about that. Unless you can have a nice conversation with me, without rude comments, undermining me etc etc etc then perhaps it’s best you don’t talk to me. If you insist and continue with the nasty comments I will simply ask you why you feel it’s necessary to be so rude to me, and will ask in front of whoever we happen to be with

ineedaholidaynow · 08/04/2019 22:44

Why do you see her twice a week? I assume your DP is with you then. Is she only rude when he is not in the room?

QueenDoria · 08/04/2019 22:56

I’d love bomb her. Honestly. How can she be rude to you if you are constantly delightful to her?
I.e MIL: oh, you again.
You: Yes my darling, lovely to see you. And I’m here with your lovely son. Did I ever thank you for bringing up such a wonderful man? Sorry to be so gushing but he really is special. Thank you...

MIL: I don’t like your curtains.
You: oh, really? Thank you for your opinion. I wasn’t so sure myself but they’re growing on me. Still, stuck with them now!!

Mil: you’re a very opinionated young women.
You: I know dear but you brought up your DS to respect strong women, so I guess we’re just two peas in a pod... more tea? Or a glass of something fizzy? Btw, thanks for popping round, it’s lovelyto feel so well supported...

Honestly, there’s a lot of whining women on MN, you just have to learn how to handle people...

QueenDoria · 08/04/2019 22:58

Oh, and thanks for popping round twice a week. Some women can’t cope with their MILs dropping in but frankly, I love a bit of female company... and saves the constant shagging!!

tensmum1964 · 08/04/2019 23:09

My mother in law is a very unpleasant woman (not quite as bad as yours) I decided very quickly that I wasn't going to have much to do with her and twenty years later I can count on one hand how many social events etc that Ive attended with her there. Its not comfortable for my partner but he know,s what she's like and had no say regarding my decision. She isnt my family and her behaviour is not my problem so I wasnt going to tolerate it. Best decision I ever made.

woolduvet · 08/04/2019 23:10

I'd say either he chooses to actively challenge mean behaviour with no excuses made for her.
Or
She's not allowed at your house as you're sick of putting up with it and he won't help.
Or.
You find someone who puts you first.

SchoolOfLife2 · 08/04/2019 23:15

Fully agree with puzzle...

Some men like it for u to deal with it yourself so they wouldn’t lose face infront of mama and you deal with the stress yourself..

Absolutely don’t step up and keep it as his job.. defend yourself by withdrawal until he earns your closeness to his Mum with his fair boundary keeping

SchoolOfLife2 · 08/04/2019 23:19

QueenDoria your approach only works when there’s a misunderstanding, not when dealing with someone chronically rude and falling out with people.

Ur approach was my natural go to... I judged DILs just like you did... until it came backfiring in my face..

Would you tell a woman to love bomb her rude ass emotionally abusive husband ?

ItsInTheSpoon · 08/04/2019 23:23

FizzyGreenWater has it exactly right.

It won’t just go away and your relationship with your partner will never be properly close with this going on. He is putting her first, ignoring your feelings.

SchoolOfLife2 · 08/04/2019 23:32

Yes I too agree with fizzy.. I relate to you OP and I had nervous laughs at the beginning and prior to my wedding... thought she would grow to like me with time or trust me..

Believe me how I wish I had someone like fizzy slap sense into me, as I wouldn’t be in this position if I gave ultimatums

Cherrysoup · 08/04/2019 23:41

He's said previously that if he isn't told at the time then he can't deal with it

What utter fucking horseshit! 🤬 He doesn’t want to deal with it because it’ll mean showing his mother that he has made a choice and his choice is you. I couldn’t marry such a spineless wuss. Tell him she is no longer welcome at your house and if she tries to come round, make a bloody big stand, ultimatum if necessary. Certainly don’t go anywhere you’ll see her. You need to toughen up, or would you prefer to carry on allowing her to bully you your entire life?

Call her out on it, every time and re-read Fizzy’s post frequently until it sinks in.

Cheby · 08/04/2019 23:52

Why are you so worried about putting your DP in a difficult position? He clearly gives zero fucks about you being upset by his mother on a regular basis.

GreenTulips · 08/04/2019 23:54

OP try repeating things back exactly as she said them and wait for a response

Your name is so funny....I'll find it hard not to laugh during the ceremony...

My name is sooo funny??

This idiot has got her priorities all wrong

My priorities are wrong??

Now this creates a silence as it’s now MIL turn to speak and first she will hear how rude she sounded and them she needs to think of an answer - so double silence - just wait - she’ll be flustered and unable to answer - she’ll stop doing intakes practice but can be done

SchoolOfLife2 · 08/04/2019 23:56

This isn’t about putting him in the middle... this isn’t about him prioritizing you and putting you first..

This is about respect which is a basic human right and we are all equal in this.

If you were saying this shit to his mother he would’ve definitely told you not to.. hell if you were saying it to a woman on the street he would’ve told u not to be abnoxious...

This is just him being so used to seeing his mum enabled with her rudeness by people around her..

A simple :

“Mum I love you, and really want my wife to like you and you to like her, and your rude remarks are sabotaging that”..

That’s not being in the middle, that’s just not being a wuss

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